Dad with Dementia has begun the dying process. To those who've gone through this, how long will this period last?
As I posted previously, Dad fell and broke his hip two weeks ago. He was in the hospital 5 days before being moved back to the nursing home. Though he seemed to make progress, he began to sleep extensively. Saturday he ate some of his breakfast, but only about ten bites of lunch before refusing to eat further. He hasn't eaten since then and has had only a few sips of fluid, which was on Monday. Today is Thursday. He has been in a deep sleep since early Monday. We can feel the vibration in his lungs from fluid and he was suctioned several times. That has stopped now. His oxygen content on Wednesday evening was 90%, even with oxygen being supplied, but his blood pressure was still very good. He seems comfortable, is getting pain meds when needed but they don't seem to be needed that frequently if at all now.
For those of you who've gone through this, how long might Daddy last at this point? Most folks I've spoken to say maybe 3-4 days after eating and drinking has stopped, some say several weeks. I hope he doesn't linger for weeks... It seems Dad just decided he didn't want to eat anymore -- he was having terrible trouble swallowing and I think most of what he was eating was being aspirated toward the end. On Saturday as we sat with him during lunch he just sat and stared into a corner of the room above the table. He wouldn't look at either Mom or myself, seemed like he couldn't figure out how. Late as he lay in bed he asked for Mom though she was right there. She asked, "Can't you see me?" and he said no.
Thanks so much for your response. Letting my Daddy go was difficult and I understand everything that you went through, as it was much the same with with my Dad. The past several weeks have been odd. Not heading over to the nursing home to visit him, not seeing him or hearing him, even if he only said a word or two. I guess you could say the past month has just been surreal. But things are slowly getting better. I never knew there were so many things that had to be done when a person passes away. Just doing these things has helped my Mom a lot as she's had to be on the go and active most of the time, so she hasn't had to do a lot of thinking during the days. She is also beginning to sleep better. Daddy is and will be missed, but life does go on.
Thanks for your reply. It is my understanding that a person who is truly brain dead cannot breathe without a ventilator. I assume that your friend's son was on a ventilator after he was pronounced brain dead as you said the family kept him on a support system until they were ready to let go. I understand how difficult it is to have to say goodbye to someone who is in the process of dying or who has passed on. I think there is a need to want to hold on and to hang on until the last possible moment before letting the person go. I guess I really don't have a pat answer to your question. If a machine is keeping a person alive, is that person still "alive"? Isn't the machine just an aid in denying death? If the person is brain dead, which means all bodily functions would soon cease if the person was taken off life support, isn't the body just not being allowed to die as it is supposed to do? I do believe God determines the passing of a person, as you said you do also. I believe that once a person is pronounced dead, from whatever cause, keeping him/her alive via machines is only keeping the body alive. The spirit has passed on. The machines are for "life support". They are just helping to keep the blood and oxygen flowing through the body to keep the tissue from dying. The person's spirit has left the body already. That is my take on it, and again, I'm sure many people wouldn't agree with me.
My mom has been in Hospice care since the end of January. She is the same every day they tell me. Some days she will eat some of her pureed foods given her, other days she will not, and she does sleep a lot. I read that sleeping a lot is part of the dying process. Her body is just too tired. But when I was there she was more alert and awake and talking, sometimes mumbling a lot, but now she does not talk at all, just one word now and then, "bye", "fine". Since hearing is the last to go as I have read so many times I told my mom by phone about me and my daughter reaching out and skyping with cousins in Israel whom my mom met in '98 when she went there. I told her this on the phone, but my cousin said she showed no emotion, but she seemed to hear me according to my cousin. I am going to call her again today and tell her that I, myself, actually talked by Skype to the cousins, one daughter in law translating. It was the one of the most exhilarating experiences. I knew of these cousins and my family had always been in touch by letters translated by my uncle as they were in Hebrew, so I finally connected with them something I so wished my mom could have done. So they say share whatever good news there is in the family to a dying person as they will hear you. Of course, give them your love.
virtualhorizon your statement "As a Christian, I believe that the spirit will be released at the point at which God decides its time and that the body then becomes just the physical shell of the person. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. My Dad wasn't waiting for anyone else to show up or for some event to take place. He was in a coma-like state and his body eventually gave out. His heart held on as his other organs began to shut down and was beating strongly until the end. Most of the actions of our organs, our breathing, etc. is reflex. " is quite interesting. I truly believe God determines the passing of a person. I'm also sure that you have those who do not agree with your statement. So are you saying that a person pronounced brain dead with heart still beating perhaps still has not had their spirit transitioned yet? I have a friend whose son had an aneurism at the age of 36. He was pronounced brain dead but heart still beating. Family kept him on support system until they were ready to hear the results of pulling him off. He passed soon after. His mother did go in to him to talk to him about his faith in God before pulling him off the system. If you care, please pass along your thoughts on that.
I'm very sorry for your loss. It seems like 9 or 10 days seems to be a general time-frame from the responses I've received from others whose loved ones have passed. It does seem to be a long process, but when I sit back and think about the 9 days my Mom and I spent with my Dad, it seems to have passed so quickly. I guess that happens when your entire life revolves around your loved one for that period of time. Everything just seems to blend together. But as you said, your Mom is now in a much better place, surrounded by family and friends who've gone before, with a new mind and a new body. Believing on that makes everything so much easier to bear.
janap48, I would like to respond to your post regarding your Mom and how she is hanging on for something to happen or someone to be there before she passes. I've heard many people say things like this, and have read articles about the possibility. Personally, I don't really believe that a person in this condition is waiting for something. I believe that the body goes through a dying process which may take days or may take a week or two, depending on the person and the health issues involved. As a Christian, I believe that the spirit will be released at the point at which God decides its time and that the body then becomes just the physical shell of the person. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. My Dad wasn't waiting for anyone else to show up or for some event to take place. He was in a coma-like state and his body eventually gave out. His heart held on as his other organs began to shut down and was beating strongly until the end. Most of the actions of our organs, our breathing, etc. is reflex. The body will continue to do what it was made to do as long as it can. While its nice to think that a person is waiting for a long lost daughter to miraculously appear, or is waiting to see a just born grandchild that hasn't been seen before, I personally don't believe that things like this can keep a person hanging on beyond his/her time, and that it is mostly coincidence when it does happen. I know there will be those that don't agree with me, but that's just my take on it.
I have been trying to convince the court system to let her go home.
One of the symptoms of Dad's decline was the inability to swallow. He really struggled with it. He began receiving thickened liquids and his food was pureed. This worked for a few days but then he could no longer eat or drink at all. The few bites or sips he had been taking were being aspirated. I have read and heard that when a person stops eating or drinking he has simply begun the natural process of dying. We had to remind Dad to chew and swallow because he would just chew a few times and stop, as though he had no food in his mouth or forgot that it was there.
I sometimes think people are so misinformed about the true process of dying. All we hear about are people dying from accidents, murders, suicides, during their sleep, etc. We don't hear that much, or see that much, about the process of death when the body actually shuts down and the person dies over the course of several days or a week. Being with my Dad when he passed away was an experience I'll never forget. It was an honor to be there. It was difficult to watch at times, due to his weight loss, breathing problems, etc. But I believe that being exposed to this (I also was with my FIL during his dying process, but not the end of it), instead of it being perceived as something to keep people away from, would be a benefit to us all as human beings, as it would teach about the sanctity of life and what living and dying is all about. People shouldn't be sheltered from it.
Missing your father and being grateful that he is at peace go well together, they're both part of loving him. But the loss is still always hard to take. Please accept my sympathies and best wishes.