Dad has dementia and has lived in LTC facility for a year and a half. I am his only child and the closest person to him. About 2 weeks ago, his facility started allowing indoor visits (daily) for an hour. I’ve tried to make the most of the hour, and for the most part our visits have been pleasant. Today, dad seemed sad and a little irritated. I tried talking to try and keep things upbeat, but I knew something was wrong - so I finally just asked.
Dad said, “I’m upset because I haven't heard from my daughter” (thats me) He said, “I don’t know if I did something wrong or if she’s mad at me, but she’s not answering my calls and I haven’t heard from her (again, me).
I literally sat there and felt like I was hit with a Mack truck. I know it may not be the right thing say, but I looked him square in the eye and said “dad I AM your daughter. It’s me and I’m here with you”
He definitely didn’t believe me and said - let’s just drop it. He was distant and sad during the entire visit. Yes I’m sad that he doesn’t recognize me, but what makes it worse is that he’s genially saddened that I would desert him (which couldn’t be farther from the truth). Is there anything I can say or do to help him feel comfort and realize it’s really me? Side note: he calls me by my name, and even introduces me by name, but on the same day, he look ME straight in the eye, and asks me - have you seen Ann (yea, that’s me). Ugh
If you can get the facility to "prep" him just before your visit. Have them say.."George" you are getting a visit from your daughter Ann today, that must be exciting.
When you enter the room say.."Hi dad, it's Ann, how are you? When you start the conversation be right in front of him and get down to his eye level if he is sitting.
Part of the problem may be the mask if you are wearing one. (and you should)
If you can find a Clear Face Shield that would enable him to see your face it might make it easier for him to recognize you.
If he insists that you are not his daughter then as hard as it is go with it.
Tell him that you are there to visit him. You could say you are a very good friend of Ann and tell him some of the things only you and he would know. Ann is at the store and she asked me to stop by and say hi.
Do not push it. No need to stress him and it may just upset him.
Talk about Ann in the third person, and go through old memories. Finding that he loves his memories of you will make you feel a bit better.
Just one idea, one of those scrap books that you can paste pictures of yourself in, with him. Long term memory is sometimes easily triggered, and he would see the little girl grow and see his own changes. I am so very sorry; I know how this hurts. Going to recommend a book. It is called "Still Time" by Jean Hegland. She worked as a volunteer in memory care for years. It is about a professor and his daughter, he in memory care, she visiting, about their relationship, and it is told from inside HIS mind, so you can see all the memory loss and confused things as they happen. I found it a comforting and beautiful book. I am glad you are getting to see him again.My heart goes out to you.
My godmother with Alzheimer’s started doing this to me when I visited her in the nursing home.
I told my godmother who I was. She knew me all my life.
It’s devastating not to be recognized. It’s especially hard for you because it’s regarding your father.
I would read the book that Alva suggests and try to educate myself on this situation as much as I could.
I would speak to his caregivers at the facility for feedback. Stick around on this forum because there are many others that will chime in.
Best wishes to you and your dad.
You know, when I would visit mom at the nursing home when mom was there for rehab there was an older woman with ALZ sitting in her wheelchair in the foyer area.
She always wanted to talk to me so I would chat with her before or after seeing my mother.
This woman was convinced that she was only 32 years old. She kept asking me to tell her where her car was parked. She wanted to drive home.
Then she asked me to call her son because she needed to speak to him and explain that she was being held against her will.
This old woman actually told me her son’s name. I looked up his name out of curiosity. I found his name on my phone. Her son was around my age.
I asked her the age of her son. She said that he was a young boy, four years old. It is very sad.
I’d just greet him as normal. Some days, he may know you. It’s difficult to say. You might consider sending a card that says you were out of town on business and were thinking of him, will see him soon, etc.
If he doesn’t, and you feel comfortable doing so, try telling him that you know his daughter very well, and that she always says that she loves her dad very much and hopes to see him soon.
What you’ll be doing is speaking of your own feelings for him, but in the third person. At some point he may say “I know you Ann. You’re my daughter”. Just continue as Ann. Ultimately your goal is to confirm his hope to hear from his daughter and know that she cares for him and dearly loves him as she always has.
I hear your “ugh”, and I second that. This is SO PAINFUL. If you can share your own feelings it may help you feel a little less uncomfortable that he’s missing you and is unable to realize that you are actually you.
There’s no question that you miss him and love him still. For at least the time being, if you can let yourself become part of what he’s believing in his present, you can help him find his way to looking forward to your visits and enjoying the time he spends with you. That’s a gift that you can give him that you’ll never regret.
When that happens I suggest telling him that his daughter will be over tomorrow. It’s more important to make him happy than expect him to do more than his brain can really do now.
I recall a story about a woman with AZ who kept asking where her husband was. Each time she was told that her husband had died which caused her grief. Over and over her family kept telling her he was dead. Why? Why not allow her the fantasy that he was in the next room and would soon be in to see her? You cannot force someone with dementia to conform to what they were.
My husband is now now having difficulty remembering his children-in-law and grandkids. With the grandkids, he’s confused because they grow up when, in his mind, they stay very young. Two years ago we took a granddaughter to dinner for her 18th birthday. I talked about her on the ride over so he’d be prepped. He was very quiet all thru dinner, but livened up considerably at dessert and told her how amazing she was and how proud of her he was. Brought tears to her eyes. After we dropped her off he told me that he had a devil of a time figuring out who this young woman was and why the heck we were taking her to dinner. Said he knew we were taking granddaughter out, but was expecting an 8-year-old. Said he finally figured out who she was toward the end of the meal. As sad as that was, I was happy he figured it out and said those beautiful words to her. Just wish I knew of his struggle as I could have easily fixed it. At family gatherings now, I don’t think he’s able to keep track of who’s who and who belongs to which family, but - like my grandma way back when - he knows they’re his people. Now I always say who people are and their relationship to help him out.
My mother has been in MC almost 4 years now. She slipped back in time after 9 months, asking about her mother (gone 40+ years now.) At that same time she also forgot about her condo, where she had lived for about 25 years, and was asking about the house we lived in before that. One brother isn't local, so he only saw her a few times when up to help a bit with getting her condo ready for sale. The other initially came a few times, but it became rare for him to show up and other than a couple of appts he had to take her to, she really doesn't see him.
She used to ask about them more often, but over time she asked less and less. I don't recall the last time she asked. Out of sight, out of mind is likely. My mother always knew me when I visited, even from across the room. Even though she's gone back over 40 years, I was an adult by then, so she still knows me, despite being locked out for so long. She can't hear, so no phone and never did computer stuff, so no visual either. No window to access from outside. However a staff member recently asked about us and her comment about me was "Oh her and all those cats!"
I did a brief belated birthday visit outside in August, but combination of the heat (it was under a canopy), the distancing and the mask, it isn't clear she even knew I was there.
We (daughter and I) stopped by yesterday before picking up her bed (hospice brought a hospital bed.) They have been allowing short indoor visits in their cafe, so I set it up. She recently had a stroke, but again, the lack of hearing, dementia and distancing with masks, I'm not all sure she knew who we were. I used an LCD Boogie Board when I was able to visit before. It would be too small at 6', so I bought a bigger white board, but she kept losing focus and going back to her sale catalog. The stroke hasn't helped this either.
FWIW, even before we had to move her, in the early stages, she thought my daughter was her cousin. I wish I had a pic of her! Not much I could do to change her mind. I'd heard the name many times, but have no idea what she looked like - must resemble my daughter a lot! We just laughed it off.
If you've been unable to visit for a while because of the virus, it's likely your recent "self" may have gotten lost. Try having a recent picture he can see each day, maybe several hung up in different parts of this room, so no matter where he looks he will see it, perhaps he will remember you. If he has a small album or wallet he can keep pics in, have some that size in those too.
If not, well, enjoy the visits as best you can. You KNOW it isn't deliberate, so don't let it hurt you. Just the fact that he longs for the "real" you tells you he loves you very much!! Others suggested you could be Ann's "friend", who she sent because she can't get time off work or something similar, and was worried about him. Fibs can help deflect his queries (she's working, under the weather, something that reassures him.) Send cards and letters often, so he knows you are out there and care! Promise in those to see him soon can reassure him, gives him hope, but his dementia will impact his sense of time and what he remembers. Some people get a call right after they visit asking when they're going to visit, they haven't seen you in a long time! Once you get past the intro and or excuses for Ann, then change the subject. Perhaps ask him about his "Ann", so you can hear all the stories he has about you!
It's tough, but again, you KNOW he certainly loves you!
No longer being recognized is just part of cognitive decline. When my mother was in a nursing home, she never failed to recognize all of her kids, even at the last, but she told me herself that she could not remember her deceased husband of 55 years and thought she was still living in the home of her parents and remembered the address. Cognitive decline causes a “Swiss cheese” type of fluid memory loss that often changes from day to day. Other strange things happened. If my brother and I took Mama to a restaurant in the community, she would forget that she was in a nursing home and be upset that we had placed her there when we returned her to the facility. We would have to explain the whole thing again and then walk away. When we would return a day or two later, she would know where she was again.
When she does barely recognize me, she gets insulted and says, "Of course I know who you are."
I can't understand why she can remember the doctor that she just met only twice, why she can recognize relatives that she hasn't seen in years, why she can remember my sister, but she can't remember me.
I know that it is part of the disease, but it sucks.
You can't change what is going on in your dad's brain. It is a horrible disease that robs them of the joy of knowing family and thinking we are terrible. I'm sorry you have to hear that but it is nothing many haven't already heard.
Have you tried calling the local Alzheimer's Assn. and see if you can get involved in their support group?
Take care and cling to those good memories. Tell yourself..."this is not my dad" who knows and loves me.
During the shutdown while visiting thru the window, my mother was obviously distraught because she thought my dad was having an affair with a younger woman. That woman was ME!!!! We never could get her to understand that I was her daughter and it was extremely upsetting for my father that he would be in tears. After visits were allowed, she recognized both my two sisters but never me. I am the only child that lives in town and that visits several times a week. I believe she looks at me as a nurse etc. However, just last week while feeding her between her semi consciousness, she opened her eyes while I was spooning food in her mouth and suddenly blurt out “Why it’s JANET!!!” ( That’s me). Later when my dad and I prepared to leave, we prayed over her and both kissed her goodbye on each cheek simultaneously. In that moment in her sleep she burst into the biggest most beautiful “Grinch” smile one had ever seen!! It was obvious that mom finally felt (at least at that moment) that she was not abandoned and she was pain free, comfortable, being taken care of, and most importantly, LOVED. That moment was a gift from God and THAT is what Dad and I cherish over and over again.
Focus on a wonderful memory and let the bad ones roll away. ❤️
Show him pictures of ya'll together.
Reminese about things ya'll use to do together.
Play music he use to like.
Let him smell familiar things.
Tall about things you remember growing up.
Words like, " I might have changed a bit since I was a little girl, but you haven't dad! Remember when... (something you and he did together... funny times..)
Repeat at beginning of each visit - a pleasant trip down memory lane.
All the best,
C
Truthfully, I believe it helped her some. When I used to visit in her Memory Care unit, I would drag out the album and go over the pics with her. I think it helped me too. Good idea.
It made me remember a lady I met when volunteering in a NH. She had Alz & her son had come to visit. She called to me that "this man said he was her son & he was not!!" She had two photos in frames on her dresser. The sweet little blond boy with curls & a grown man. Only a small resemblemence to the (older) man now in the room.
I asked what her son looked like & she pointed to the sweet boy. Her son just laughed & told me some days that's him, some days the adult photo, some days she knew him instantly. He just went with whatever. So that day, he asked about her memories of that sweet boy & I left them to it.
My heart certainly goes out to you ❤️.