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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
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My mom had gotten sick and wound up in the hospital and passed away 2 months later in the hospital. My dad thinks she's still alive and needs a ride home.
I'm a big believer in 'gentle story telling'. 'Gee Dad, The doctor wants to keep Mom a few more days to be sure everything is all right' or, Mom got a little cold and the nurses can check on her and give her medicines right away. It's all repetitve to you but for him, it will be like a new story each time.
I agree. Give him a vague, plausible answer then redirect his attention to something else. If he continues to ask for your mom you'll have to be creative in coming up with scenarios but as your dad's dementia progresses his questioning is liable to stop. If your dad isn't able to remember that your mom passed away he won't remember that you went through this same conversation a day ago.
I agree. I woudl suggest just telling him ok we will go as soon as I get done with what I am doing. If he still remembers, get him in the car for a ride. He is liable to forgeet and say lets go home.
Something to consider... when someone has dementia, they have difficulty expressing themselves. Things can come out oddly. Maybe dad needs to talk about mom. You could say, "Are you missing mom? Me too."
Posting signs does a lot to help Mom (95 with dementia) orient herself without constantly asking questions.
I got a kick out of the response about the sign that says "Your parents aren't in McDonald." After a while it does get tedious answering the same question. When Mom went through that stage I answered the question twice and the third time wrote the answer on a slip of paper and handed it to her.
An idea for the man who wants to go get his wife who passed away might be to put up a photo of her and label it with her birth/death dates and a loving phrase. This could be placed where he sees it often, maybe decorated with fresh flowers or something.
I had and continue to have the same experience with my mom. Dad passed away almost two years ago but everyday, at least 20 times, she will ask "where's Dave?" I have tried to say things like "in the hospital getting tests" or something similar and she will say "he is gone, isn't he?" I generally just gently say he is in heaven and then maybe speculate on heaven for awhile. I have gotten a laugh when I make up silly things like "he is off in the Bahamas can you believe he didn't take us?" changing the subject works but it is difficult to think up constant distractions.....I guess, for me, it does not matter what I say because, as so many of us know, nothing sticks. I am grateful that, with time, she does not become hysterical anymore or blame me for not telling her...on some level she has internalized what has happened. Dealing with dementia calls for a lot of creativity (and energy) something that caregivers always wish they had more of!
I would try to gauge how he is at the time he's asking. If he's agitated and particularly fuzzy, I'd be inclined to say "not today" and keep it as vague as possible instead of forcing him to accept her death again and again at times when he's most confused. If he's more lucid, I might gently explain that mom is gone. I kind of like the idea of the memorial photo, except again, you'd have to gauge how he responds to it. It could backfire and become a real focus of agitation during particularly confusing moments. I could imagine him staring at it saying, "what on earth is this about!" Though I agree that 'entering their world' is the kindest way to care for someone with dementia, people who aren't in the position really have no idea how exhausting it can be and how you give up a little bit of yourself each time you do it. It's hard enough for you to manage your own grief without having to do a complex dance around it for your father's sake. Deep breaths and silently counting to ten help me – a little bit : )
Agree that an alternative answer should be provided, then his attention directed elsewhere. My sister was a psychiatric nurse and told me that when questions like that are asked, or other questions of questionable reality, there is no point in trying to be realistic because the brain isn't functioning properly (I won't get into the synapses and other explanations).
It was so sad to read about your father though; he must miss your mother so much but hasn't yet internalized her loss, and is dealing with his own confusion as well.
Can you think up things he really enjoys doing to redirect his attention when he asks about your mother? Maybe go for a walk, a drive, get a Dairy Queen, watch tv, something to redirect his attention. Or listen to music; music therapy has worked wonders for my parents.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I got a kick out of the response about the sign that says "Your parents aren't in McDonald." After a while it does get tedious answering the same question. When Mom went through that stage I answered the question twice and the third time wrote the answer on a slip of paper and handed it to her.
An idea for the man who wants to go get his wife who passed away might be to put up a photo of her and label it with her birth/death dates and a loving phrase. This could be placed where he sees it often, maybe decorated with fresh flowers or something.
If he's more lucid, I might gently explain that mom is gone. I kind of like the idea of the memorial photo, except again, you'd have to gauge how he responds to it. It could backfire and become a real focus of agitation during particularly confusing moments. I could imagine him staring at it saying, "what on earth is this about!"
Though I agree that 'entering their world' is the kindest way to care for someone with dementia, people who aren't in the position really have no idea how exhausting it can be and how you give up a little bit of yourself each time you do it. It's hard enough for you to manage your own grief without having to do a complex dance around it for your father's sake. Deep breaths and silently counting to ten help me – a little bit : )
It was so sad to read about your father though; he must miss your mother so much but hasn't yet internalized her loss, and is dealing with his own confusion as well.
Can you think up things he really enjoys doing to redirect his attention when he asks about your mother? Maybe go for a walk, a drive, get a Dairy Queen, watch tv, something to redirect his attention. Or listen to music; music therapy has worked wonders for my parents.