Please help! My dad's not getting the best care he can could, but they have threatened to hurt me if I come back?

I am so sorry that you are going through something so painful ... it is clear that you love your father very much, and are already grieving his loss. My heart goes out to you and all who love him.

Please understand that it can be difficult for people to have anything useful to offer in a situation like this, other than sympathy. I'm not personally at all familiar with your situation or previous posts, but it sounds from this one as if your conflict with your family has been ongoing (and possibly escalating) for some time. I'm assuming you've contacted an elder care attorney to find out whether there's anything you can do legally to ensure that you're at least allowed to visit your Dad, or possibly even to apply for guardianship? If not, then that seems like the right place to start.

If so, and you've been told for various reasons that there's nothing you can do (or that the chances of successfully applying for guardianship are low), then the only thing I can think to suggest is that you try to de-escalate things with your family so that you're at least able to spend time with your Dad. This may mean biting your tongue about the things you disagree with, and possibly swallowing your pride, apologizing for previous dust-ups/accusations, and asking just to be allowed to see your father (even if such “visits” must be supervised). Please don’t misunderstand me -- I am NOT SAYING that you are wrong. I don’t know you or your family, so I don’t know the whole story. But I do know it will be of little comfort to you to be right and to miss time left with your father.

On another note, I understand absolutely that you want to keep your father around for as long as possible ... but I do want to suggest to you, very gently, that to many, quality of life is infinitely more important than quantity. Speaking hypothetically, I personally would trade a five years of "living" stuck in a hospital bed, for example, for a year of good mobility ... or three months of "good" time for a year or more of nausea and brain fog on chemo. I have friends with chronic, serious health problems that have forced them (for their remaining lives) onto very bland and restrictive diets, or who have had to be in nursing facilities following strokes, and have seen firsthand how utterly miserable and depressed they become as a result of what they're now "allowed" to eat. I have a friend who's been on dialysis three times a week now for two years (immediately following a stroke), and she tells me, very calmly, that at 58, she is tired of living like this, and no longer fears dying.

Your father has some serious and chronic conditions ... perhaps eating what he likes is one of the few joys still in his life. If eating things outside the “approved” list shortens his life, but makes the time he has left better for him, perhaps this is a trade-off he wants to make (or would have chosen to make if asked before the dementia set in). I fully expect to make some choices for myself when the time comes that may not be what my family and friends would want me to do ... Yes, I know those choices may minimize my time, but I know, too, that they will maximize my happiness and enjoyment of that time ... and I hope fervently that the choice remains always mine to make.

I wish you the best of luck with a heart-breaking situation ... if you are not able to secure guardianship in this situation, or to find a “legal” way to compel your family to let you visit your father, I hope you will be able to find a way to calm the waters between yourself and your family enough to be able to spend some of your father’s remaining time with him.

Wow, thanks so much for the input... I will go back to my crying

My father was put back in the hospital for another UTI.... Did anyone notify me? NO! All I have ever done is love my father, and now he is being taken away from me. He will not be on this earth forever...so, why change the way things have been. I should be allowed to see my father. He asks about me all the time!! Karma is a bitch....