Please help! My dad's not getting the best care he can could, but they have threatened to hurt me if I come back?

My father was put back in the hospital for another UTI.... Did anyone notify me? NO! All I have ever done is love my father, and now he is being taken away from me. He will not be on this earth forever...so, why change the way things have been. I should be allowed to see my father. He asks about me all the time!! Karma is a bitch....

Wow, thanks so much for the input... I will go back to my crying

I am so sorry that you are going through something so painful ... it is clear that you love your father very much, and are already grieving his loss. My heart goes out to you and all who love him.

Please understand that it can be difficult for people to have anything useful to offer in a situation like this, other than sympathy. I'm not personally at all familiar with your situation or previous posts, but it sounds from this one as if your conflict with your family has been ongoing (and possibly escalating) for some time. I'm assuming you've contacted an elder care attorney to find out whether there's anything you can do legally to ensure that you're at least allowed to visit your Dad, or possibly even to apply for guardianship? If not, then that seems like the right place to start.

If so, and you've been told for various reasons that there's nothing you can do (or that the chances of successfully applying for guardianship are low), then the only thing I can think to suggest is that you try to de-escalate things with your family so that you're at least able to spend time with your Dad. This may mean biting your tongue about the things you disagree with, and possibly swallowing your pride, apologizing for previous dust-ups/accusations, and asking just to be allowed to see your father (even if such “visits” must be supervised). Please don’t misunderstand me -- I am NOT SAYING that you are wrong. I don’t know you or your family, so I don’t know the whole story. But I do know it will be of little comfort to you to be right and to miss time left with your father.

On another note, I understand absolutely that you want to keep your father around for as long as possible ... but I do want to suggest to you, very gently, that to many, quality of life is infinitely more important than quantity. Speaking hypothetically, I personally would trade a five years of "living" stuck in a hospital bed, for example, for a year of good mobility ... or three months of "good" time for a year or more of nausea and brain fog on chemo. I have friends with chronic, serious health problems that have forced them (for their remaining lives) onto very bland and restrictive diets, or who have had to be in nursing facilities following strokes, and have seen firsthand how utterly miserable and depressed they become as a result of what they're now "allowed" to eat. I have a friend who's been on dialysis three times a week now for two years (immediately following a stroke), and she tells me, very calmly, that at 58, she is tired of living like this, and no longer fears dying.

Your father has some serious and chronic conditions ... perhaps eating what he likes is one of the few joys still in his life. If eating things outside the “approved” list shortens his life, but makes the time he has left better for him, perhaps this is a trade-off he wants to make (or would have chosen to make if asked before the dementia set in). I fully expect to make some choices for myself when the time comes that may not be what my family and friends would want me to do ... Yes, I know those choices may minimize my time, but I know, too, that they will maximize my happiness and enjoyment of that time ... and I hope fervently that the choice remains always mine to make.

I wish you the best of luck with a heart-breaking situation ... if you are not able to secure guardianship in this situation, or to find a “legal” way to compel your family to let you visit your father, I hope you will be able to find a way to calm the waters between yourself and your family enough to be able to spend some of your father’s remaining time with him.

Excellent post Paula. I have been racking my brain trying to find something of help to say to her.
All I can offer you House is an ear to vent too. Can I ask...when and why did you stop being the caregiver? I wish you lived on Long Island...my brother is a very prominent lawyer here, and has an elder attorney on his staff.

P.S. House. Not many are here during the day....I don't think you were being ignored.....try not to feel hurt at the lack of immediate response. I think you are feeling extra sensitive, with good reason due to the way your family is treating you....But what I have learned is ...there is ALWAYS support here....even if it takes a little while. Relax, deep breaths.......HUG!

Household6 -

Was that last one a shot at us for not answering sooner?

I'm sorry for your troubles. I have a friend who was railroaded by the cops who were buddies with her father - dragged her out of her house in a slip!

Can you get any support from friends or neighbors or other relatives who see that they are not taking proper care of him? Has he been declared incompetent? It would have to be more than just taking him out to eat junk food. Do they take him to the doctor regularly?

Unless he has been declared incompetent, there probably isn't much you can do. A lawyer would be the only one who could help you to find out if there is anything you can do. He would know whether you can get rights to visit him. I understand how distressing this must be for you, and hope things can work out.

My father was put in the hospital last September for his first UTI. I stayed with dad for about 3 months and it was good until Dad found out my brother stole his will and found out his net worth. That is when it all changed between my brother and I, he would get in my face, hit me in the chest with his pointer finger, yell and scream at me and call me crazy..when I would cry. Dad had him as POA since I am a military spouse and have not lived there for many years.
My dad put his brother, my uncle as POA, someone who lived 15 minutes from Dad but HAD NEVER BEEN TO VISIT DAD SINCE HE HAD MOVED INTO HIS PLACE 9 YEARS AGO!
My Uncle and my brother became very close NAND when Dad was hospitalized I stayed the night with him every night, Dad liked to get out of his bed and I wanted to be there so he wouldn't hurt himself. My brother and I went to day's house to get some of his belongings because he was getting released from the hospital and going to rehab. My brother pushed me, hit me, chased me around. I called the Police..it was a joke. All of this is happening because my father is donating a very large sum of money to the church! Unfortunately, my brother who, with his family...lived with my parents, had my parents purchase a house for his family, cars..pool tables , you name it believes that he is entitled to the money that Dad wants to go to the Church!. The POA has made comment that he believes it should go to the children too. After I called the police on my brother, the POA told me I was not allowed to see my dad any more. Locked me out of dads condo, with my belongings inside.....so I left IN and went home to FL. My dad has mentioned several times that he knows my brother is trying to kill him...for money!
If I call, they hang up on me, so I decided...I just couldn't do it anymore. I would give up my relationship..and hope he would call.

I gave and gave and let them walk all over me. My brother was smoking in dads car and I mentioned that he did not need to do that around dad, My uncle said "he is already sick, it's not going to kill him". I just had to walk away...... My Uncle has listened to all the lies my brother has said and didn't even give ME a chance. That is sad! I have spent the last 17 years volunteering and helping people my brother has been in and out of jail... Grow up and get to know me for me!!
Don't take my father AWAY

Jinx, if you are here to take shots at me.....find someone else.

Um....who shot 1st? Just saying.
If you need help or to vent we are here for you....but don't take your anger towards your brother out on us.

household6, did you ever talk to the District Attorney about the things your brother did to you? I'm thinking that if you can get formal charges against your brother at least taken seriously, then maybe his POA can be revoked. What it sounds like is that your dad needs a court appointed person to take over his finances all together. Get the family out of the way by a disinterested third party. If I were you, that's the route I'd take to de-throne your brother. Forget the police, ask the District Attorney first hand. Good luck.

BoniChak, I am not taking frustration out on anyone.. I do not think it is appropriate to take stabs at me and my post....when you have no idea how incredibly hurt I am.... I did not come on here to be poked and have rude comments thrown at.

I called the Atty General, they said they could not do anything, and I called and talked to the Mayor. The Mayor was resistant and continued to direct me to the Chief. I worked for a Police Department for almost 4 years as Grants Manager and Accreditation Manager. I am going to send the text messages I have to the Police Dept. the text messages are from my brothers Boss telling me the day I was assaulted that my brother has told him on several occasions that he will hurt me next time he see's me. My brothers boss begs me not to say anything because he is also scared of my brother!

Some times we are all a little fragile, and just sugesting that we are bad or ignoring you for not having an answer to a question right away gets peole edgy. You posted "Wow, thanks so much for the input... I will go back to my crying" and
that's what people thought you meant. But you have got to be feeling that way yourself.

I would put the unhealthy food thing in perspective, but the threatening and the chance of inappropriate financial management is more serious and my heart goes out to you that you cannot get help with that. Is there anyone from the church with connections that could help (they would at least have an interest, since it is their potential "gift" being squandered?) It almost sounds like your uncle, your brother, and you dad are turning the whole thing into a stag party...of course, Dad picked the uncle to be POA, at least he knew not to make it your brother, and maybe not you because he knew brother would threaten?? Maybe, maybe not, but all of us may have to live with consequences of not picking the right POA. I had just posted my own question about that even before reading this post of yours...

Dad did not pick me because I am a military spouse. While I take time out and visit him..I still live in FL and he in IN. My uncle has POA because my fathers first choice, another brother also has Dementia. My uncle, the POA, literally had it fall in his lap.

The Church knows nothing of the gift.., it is in OH, dad moved back after Mom passed from Lou Gehrigs in 2001. My Mother stopped going to dad's family functions because they are very mean people! All I can do is PRAY and hope things go the way they are suppose to..

As for the crying.. I found out my father was back in the hospital at 11:30 last evening.. All I have been doing is crying since then. My family did not tell me, I saw it on a friends post on FB..

Sorry to hear you are getting such shabby treatment. I guess the guys have decided to cut you out of the loop. If there is not enough evidence for the police, adult protective services, or anyone else to have your uncle removed as POA though, you have done all you legally can...and at least one person on here (me) thinks you have a right to feel OK about not banging your head on that particular wall any more. Lord knows you had enough heartache for a lifetime, losing your mom to ALS!! I have found that prayers do get answered, even for the things I am not bold enough pray for in words, for the things that really do need to happen...

And hey - at least they took him to the hospital when he needed it, and get him out of the house for some outings. They could be doing him a lot worse, from some of the stories I've read on here...

I know that something can be done. The Chief talking to my uncle/POA and then not talking to me...is unprofessional at best. I know from my experience with the Police Dept., (in a different state) the Atty General's Office will conduct investigations on a Police Department, if evidence is shown to back up the allegations. I have the text messages that I received threatening my life, if I were ever to come back to IN. An Officer friend of mine looked over these and stated my brother could be charged with a Felony.
I have tried to find an attorney before, but I guess the whole out of state issue has scared them off.
Praise God!! I found a wonderful Attorney! I even checked them out with my Father in Law, who was a Judge in IN for years. He spoke VERY HIGHLY of this firm and this Attorney!
I want nothing more than to be in my fathers life, to know when he is sick and in the hospital and to be able to visit him without fearing for my life. Simple... I LOVE HIM SO!

Oh, my cousin still is a member of the Church where the gift is to be made to. I have contacted her. So all in all, the Church does know about the gift.

Glad to hear that things look more hopeful.

I would certainly think you deserve to be in your fathers life, to know when he is sick and in the hospital and to be able to visit him without fear...it does not seem too much to ask! People may be legally stuck with all communication going through the current POA, but if you can get that changed, more power to you. Please continue to let us know what happens...hugs...

That is just it, the POA will hang up on me. I get very little info from Dads caretaker and from FaceBook. The POA has not contacted me at all. When dad was released from rehab...I found out by calling his room and an elder lady answered, said there were no men there.
I am to the point where if I want dad in my life...I have to fight for it...and fight I will. I am hurt to the core...but this is just wrong. They are hurting my dad too. Enough!

Well, I have an update and it is not very good. I was given the name of an attorney by my fil who is a Federal Judge. I called and they do not want to mess wit it unless I seek guardianship. I would love to seek guardianship but I know my father does not want to be in FL. He want to be in his home in IN. So this attorney gave me another attorneys name and I called them.. Even though my father is asking to see me and the POA has broken the law by locking me out of dads home when I had permission to be there and my personal belongings were inside...NOBODY WANTS TO HELP ME!! THEY DO NOT SEE DOLLAR SIGNS WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME, THEY SEE WORK, AND I GUESS THEY ARE NOT WANTING TO WORK WHEN THERE IS NOT A SETTLEMENT AT STAKE. SO, I will continue to mourn for my father.....even though he is alive. I guess this is my only way of dealing with it. Thanks to those for the "kind" comments.

Sorry to hear it turned out this way. But thank you for updating and if anything changes, especially anything for the better, we would love to hear it too. I will hope and pray there will be some way for you to be part of your father's life again.

I, too am so sorry to hear this. The situation sounds miserable. Unfortunately, as I have learned the hard way (not related to caregiving troubles), there are many terrible situations that cannot be resolved without spending a lot of money and time (assuming you can even find a competent lawyer interested in taking your money and, hopefully, actually producing results in exchange!) ... and even more unfortunately, even spending the money and time is no guarantee that things will work out the way they should. :-( I will continue to hope that something happens at least to reduce family tensions to a point where you're able to spend time with your Dad again ....that separation is clearly the worst aspect of this very sad situation.

Dad is in the hospital again. UTI and Pneumonia..they have given him a feeding tube and put him on Dialysis. ( this could of been prevented if he was eating correctly). They may have to put him on a vent because the pneumonia in not getting any better. Crazy, now my brother wants me home. Still will not go alone, too much has happened.
I only get to see him when he is sick, not when he is doing well. At this point I will take what I can get!

I understand that my father has many ..many chronic health conditions. I also know that my father would rather spend his last days at home. From his last release at rehab, it has been about a month and a half. With heart failure, you have to be on a somewhat strict diet. Bob Evans and MCL every day is something that will put you back in the hospital quickly...dads body can not handle the salt and the fluid retention therefore it causes the pneumonia. I know my father will not last long, but they need to try and keep him at home, where he wants to be..

You are all suffering from caregiver burnout, and the end is very near if he has dialysis and a feeding tube. Go, make peace with your father and ignore the rest.

I have no reason to make peace with my dad, no love lost there. As I have said before..I love him very much!

Pstiegman, I wish... I was not my fathers care giver this last time, by taking the time to read through the comments or heck the title/question you would have known that.

Dad passed on July 2. He was in the hospital 10 days with pneumonia and then his Kidneys shut down.... All because he was out there eating food that he was not suppose to have. He has congestive heart failure and was taking his weight; but when he gained, he never called the Dr. He only went to ER when he could not breathe.

You did what you could, god bless you and take comfort in knowing you were faithful to the end.