Hi,
Our dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer less than 2 months ago. It has been a complete shock and has been so fast. He is in hospice now. He comes from a big family (no one in his family has ever had any type of cancer). They also have a strange relationship. He has been able to be around them and talk to them, but he just recently told me that he isn't close to them and it doesn't bother him. My dad had the opportunity to call his family and tell them what is going on and he didn't. He talked to my brother and me about what he wants for his funeral and things, but did not mention anything about his family.
One of the last times he went into the hospital recently, my brother and I asked him if he wanted us to tell his family and he immediately said no and shook his head. My dad has never been able to make a decision so fast in his life.
So, we are wanting to respect my dad's wishes and not tell his family until he passes, but this is hard. Our dad also told us he wants a closed casket. How do we go about telling them when the time comes? What do we say?
Thank you.
Why is this hard for you to follow your fathers last wishes?
What other family members think is up to them are you afraid to upset these family members? If so, IMO you are on the wrong track.
My father did not want any type of funeral, as his wife and friends were mostly dead and the other family members were distant at best.
Of course, I did as he wished, made no difference to me what others thought.
An elderly family friend was like that. She had cancer and wanted peace in her last days. She had no children, and her closest friends knew she was sick but not what she had. Ann Landers, the advice columnist, didn't even tell her identical twin, Dear Abby, that she was fighting cancer. Abby didn't know until Ann had died. I had a dear friend who died after I hadn't seen her for a while, and I never knew she was sick until she'd passed. In a way, I thank her for sparing me the pain of watching her struggle during her last illness.
When the time comes, you can call family members and if you like, tell the closest ones and ask them to inform others. You don't need to explain anything other than dad has passed and you know they'd want to know. Funeral plans will be announced later, perhaps by you via email. You keep the conversation short, which they will understand.
I'm very sorry for your dad's situation, and I wish him a peaceful passing.
I'm so sorry for your Father's diagnosis. PC is just the worst.
I agree with MeDolly that you will simply need to explain to the family that you are carrying out his wishes. You don't need to apologize to them or add to this comment.
When your Father passes, I'm wondering if you are "obligated" to inform them of it at all?
May you receive peace in your hearts on this journey with him.
Isn't that the simple truth? How much time does it take to tell?
As to the funeral, honor his wishes to conduct it as he requested. Again, that's quite easy.
I think a lot of worrying about these things is a way to avoid the immediacy of losing someone you love. Leave all the extraneous things at the wayside. It doesn't matter a BIT what the family thinks of all of this. They can be sad. They can be made. They can be inappropriate as they please. As the poet and undertaker, Thomas Lynch says "Once someone has died there is utterly nothing you can do to, for, with or about them that will make the slightest difference to them."
I am very sorry for your coming loss. I am thankful your Dad has you and that you're honoring his wishes. That is the dearest wish of all of us who are "close to going".
I'm so sorry about your dad. I don't think his reluctance to tell his family is all that unusual. My brother had a rare and extremely devastating cancer, he didn't want anyone to know until it was very far along. I'm not even sure it was his decision, because he was pretty out of it by the time we found out. I desperately wanted to see him once more to say goodbye (he lived a long distance from me) but his daughter, who is an RN and was his POA, said he was so agitated and in pain so much of the time that a visit wouldn't be good for him. I found out about his illness about Thanksgiving time and he was gone by mid December.
Your dad may decide later to let others know and to say goodbye, or he may not. This is one of those horrible things life throws at us that just can't be made right. The sick person deserves to be the one to decide. Don't let your family blame you if he doesn't. My niece was worried that we'd be mad at her because we didn't know he was ill until it was too late. I was very upset about what happened, but not at her--she was just following her dad's wishes. Just tell them that.
Cherish the time you have left and just do what he wants, the others will have to understand.
Its really no ones business how you and brother handle things concerning Dads passing. Just say, "we did what Dad wanted". My sister died of breast cancer and the funeral director suggested a closed casket.
I think in your dad's situation, I'd be that way too. The last thing a sick person needs is people hovering around and wringing their hands while avoiding being any help at all. Which is often the case.
Good luck with all this.