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82-year-old dad doesn’t like to wear clothes anymore. He won’t wear depends, underwear, pants, nothing. He has accidents and has to have his housekeeper clean his carpets. He won’t do even the slightest house work or chores. He won’t put dishes in the dishwasher or walk down the hall to take his trash out. He does not have dementia. He says that clothes chafe him. At wits end. I dread going to visit him. Today I brought dinner over and he was sound asleep at the scheduled time. He came to the door nude and holding a towel in front of him. I dropped the food off and left immediately. He begged me to stay but it was too depressing to me. I just don’t understand it and not prepared to see him naked.

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You say he doesn't have dementia, but there is certainly SOMETHING going on, as this isn't normal behavior. While some of us may love going without clothes we are certain to have a robe ready for visitors. Get a coat tree near the door with a few nice looking robes. Tell Dad he must put on clothing right away to have a somewhat normal visit with you. If he isn't clothed you will leave.
My heart goes out to the housekeeper! Can't really imagine how long she might stay with Dad.
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Michelle2828 Jun 2022
great advice. I was thinking, me myself, my skin is so sensitive that if you look in my closet or drawers, any type of top, blouse, t-shirt, etc, if you were to look at the back of the neck part (inside the shirt), you will NOT find a single tag; as a matter of fact, even before I hang them up or put them away, I will have already used the seam ripped and then if necessary, they will be sewed if by chance I've made a hole taking the tag off.

so I'm thinking his skin may be bothered by certain material. me, I only have 100% cotton.

so maybe if the daughter in this post considered this ie getting him 100% cotton, comfortable pyjamas, this may help.

also, who knows, maybe he was always nude around the house his whole life, and a bit of dementia is setting in.

anyways, I wish all the very best, and I hope there'll be some sort of resolution 😊💕
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Buy Dad a Sarong. Many men in Hawaii wear Sarongs 🌺🌺
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No more visits or dinners brought unless he is dressed when he opens the door. If he want to sleep naked or be in his own room naked, fine, but refusing all the things you say he won't do would lead me to believe that he is incredibly self centered, or needs some mental help. Somehow, there has to be at least a few rules to live by. Is this a change from what he used to be like? If so, that might indicate dementia. Dementia can present in a lot of ways I would think. I would consult his doctor. What does the housekeeper say about all this. I would have quit a long time ago.
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https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.silverts.com/givingcare/coping-with-disrobing-in-a-senior-loved-one-with-alzheimers-and-other-dementia/amp/

I
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Michelle2828 Jun 2022
awelcome article!
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Tell him you are not comfortable with his nudist colony approach. Might want to get him into a hospital for evaluation, treatment, and placement into assisted living.
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you can also, put cameras and video take everything w/o them knowing. just so u can get an idea of what's going on. Don't always go by what someone says check for yourself as well.
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first-take him to see a dermatologist. it maybe medications that's bothering him and or whatever, he's washing his clothes in. also, you can take him to seek counseling. tell him your willing to stay if he puts some clothes on. tell him you love him and this works both ways. I know its tough. It's like he's being child like again at least this is what they say when you reach that age. give him time. you know they took time with us even though we did not asked to be here. Only God knows that answer. I don't think he's doing this on purpose. It's just life. Bare with Dad and try to work it out. God Bless!
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Any behavior or personality changes should be reported to his doctor, OR have a “welfare check,” so they can see this for themselves.
Nobody is going to think this is ok.
No home health aide should have to endure that either.
The kaftan idea is a good one, IF you can get him to wear it.
He might have a urinary tract infection that’s causing these behaviors.
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Edit - Sorry that I erred on your name JuJu212.
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Julu212: Your father needs a medical evaluation.
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I would like to point out that your father’s housekeeper doesn’t deserve the indignity and dangerous conditions of having to clean feces and urine off of surfaces because your father refuses to wear underwear, and/or moves too slowly to make it to the toilet.

The housekeeper also doesn’t deserve the indignity of having a naked elderly man hanging around as she tries to do her paid job.

Being a slave in olden times was no worse than what (you and) your father are putting the housekeeper through. She obviously doesn’t feel she has many options or she would’ve already told your father where to stick it. I fear for the health and well being of the housekeeper.
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I came here to write the identical thing that Santalynn did: get your dad soft caftans as many men in hot climates wear.

Stopping your dad’s nudity will be the easy part. The hard part is that he refuses to wear underwear of any sort, which means he finds it easy to urinate and defecate around the house - that is UNACCEPTABLE in all cultures. Only animals in the wild do that.

Your father is not an animal in the wild. He has mental decline of some sort or this would not be happening. It will not get better, it will only get worse,

Prepare yourself mentally that he will, most likely, soon need to be placed where a team will take care of him 24/7. I guarantee they won’t let him urinate and defecate everywhere and possibly spread pathogens all around through his bodily secretions. They will make sure he wears undergarments and will change them for him when soiled.

Get started on finding out how to place him now.
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Agreeing with all the answers/ideas, and just adding that 'meanwhile' give dad a caftan, like is worn by men in North Africa and other hot areas of the world. They are not 'gowns' but daywear, out of nice, not frilly, types of cloth, but flowing, very loose fitting, and Modest. Yes, he may still soil them but it's just an interim idea for covering up. Just be sure they are only calf-length so he doesn't trip or become tangled in the hemline and fall. Even just knee length. And even hospital-type gowns are better than nothing; many new designs these days; even if the 'caboose' is still exposed in certain positions it is less of a problem than 'full frontal' nudity for a man or woman. In hottest weather this item could be just like a very long tank top, reaching to knees: no binding at neck/armholes, easy to pop on and pop off, etc. And keep washable protective covers on all furniture dad sits on; have thick towels for seating for others as a barrier on any surface dad may have rested upon. All the best.

oops...sorry for double posting!
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Agreeing with all the answers/ideas, and just adding that 'meanwhile' give dad a caftan, like is worn by men in North Africa and other hot areas of the world. They are not 'gowns' but daywear, out of nice, not frilly, types of cloth, but flowing, very loose fitting, and Modest. Yes, he may still soil them but it's just an interim idea for covering up. Just be sure they are only calf-length so he doesn't trip or become tangled in the hemline and fall. Even just knee length. And even hospital-type gowns are better than nothing; many new designs these days; even if the 'caboose' is still exposed in certain positions it is less of a problem than 'full frontal' nudity for a man or woman. In hottest weather this item could be just like a very long tank top, reaching to knees: no binding at neck/armholes, easy to pop on and pop off, etc. And keep washable protective covers on all furniture dad sits on; have thick towels for seating for others as a barrier on any surface dad may have rested upon. All the best.
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Wow you guys, Thank You so so much for all the helpful ideas. To answer the question regarding dementia I guess I am the one who thinks he doesn’t have it since he can carry-on a rational conversation, he seems lucid most of the time and I don’t know a lot about dementia. He has defecated the carpets twice and doesn’t make it to the bathroom in time to urinate so he carries around urinals. He says different things about clothing. You might ask him one time and he’ll say that underwear and pants diapers chafe his skin, then he may say they make him too hot, and then the latest thing he said was that he can’t make it to the bathroom in time to pull his underwear down or I guess open the flap in the front because his hand shakes so bad so he ends up soaking his underwear and prefers just not to wear any. One time when I went to visit he had a shirt on and was sitting in his chair with a towel draped over his lap and no underwear on. I didn’t realize it until later on but it grossed me out. It makes me feel really uncomfortable and not want to go visit him at all. In the past when he was in his 60s and 70s he likes to go without a shirt on and just wear shorts. I always disliked this but never really said anything until he got older. Then if he would answer the door and he didn’t have his shirt on I would say I’ll wait for you to put your shirt on before I come in and he looks so shocked like what’s wrong with me. Anyway he has a nurse practitioner coming to his house on the 17th and I am going to be there to meet with them. You guys have given me so many good ideas and invaluable support thank you again so much.
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Beatty May 2022
Definately mention (in a low-key factual way) the incontinence.

Maybe a referral for a continence checkup is needed. It may be something quite treatable.

In the meantime, many people wear elastic waistbanded shorts for speedy access (avoiding fiddly fly/zip/buttons). Also adult absorbent pull-up style briefs.

Regarding incontinence:
Aim for cure. If not possible, aim to contain.
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Sounds like he needs a 72 hour hold for a psych eval. Adult Protective Services - a social worker can get him placed because he is a walking bio-hazard. Psychiatric Hospital?
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Id go straight to his doctor. Sounds like it could be dementia to me. Get a 2nd opinion. It is not normal to walk around the house with urine running down your legs, and he thinks thats fine.
Could he be hiding that he can no longer dress himself? Might forget how to put pants on. Maybe started to fall over when he did. Maybe he cant put his foot in a pant leg 1 at a time, or can reach down to pick them up, and pull up. That requires balance. He might have started to fall, and scared himself. Or cant remember the sequence of how to do it. Who helps him dress? That may be the real issue. People do cover up that their mind is fading. He might be thinking it is too hard, so won't do it. Or cant get pants undone in time and urinated on himself. Is he supposed to put his depends on? Again stepping thru them and pulling them up might be to hard to do.

Id definitely make a big deal of him not wearing clothes.

What does his housekeeper do when he's naked? Does she leave? And why is it her job to clean urine on the floor daily. That problem needs to be addressed. That's got to be on diff chairs, and bed/matress, on floors and carpet. Id get a breatable waterproof mattress cover, and someone to help him dress. Is he taking showers? Has someone checked his skin for urine skin breakdown.
Id find a geriatric doctor or psychiatrist for him to see. 2nd opinion time. Sorry that is happening to you.
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Candyapple May 2022
Great response. it's not all the time someone is losing it. It's sometimes something as simply changing one's diet/meds. etc.
they don't always have to be sent somewhere. I do feel for the housekeeper. that is a no-no. that's unsanitary and should be dealt with. God Bless! Hang in there. this to shall pass.
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Nudity is a deal breaker. It is 100% totally unacceptable for your father to be naked in front of you. The advice is great here but you can tell him. "Dad your being naked around me is unacceptable and unless you learn to cover up I will not be visiting". The next time he is naked and holding a towel to answer the door, turn your back toward him and give him a few minutes to get clothes/robe on if he doesn't don't visit till he learns that he crossed a line and you will not permit it.
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I second a previous responder's statement - Who told you he does not have dementia?

I just learned a new word today from a different AgingCare forum post - "Anosognosia". It is the lack of ability to perceive the realities of one's own condition.

I wonder if there is a fancy word to describe the lack of ability to perceive the realities of a loved one's condition. Doesn't seem like enough but I think that word would be a distant cousin of denial. It's tough but you may be in charge now.

About his complaint that clothes chafe him. As my husband's dementia progresses, among other things, many physical sensations are exagerated. Perfectly warm showers are scalding hot, or freezing, until he gets refocused on to the effort at hand. Wonderful gentle breezes are near unbearable. Sounds are too loud, or annoying, lights are too bright, and waiting 5 minutes genuinely (to him) feels like an hour's time has passed.

Make an appointment with a neurologist, and a doctor. The earlier you get him evaluated the sooner you can either get a hopefully simple medical problem remedied or put a game plan in place.

In the meantime pick-up a couple of robes.
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lealonnie1 May 2022
Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt either. :)
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Please get him to a neurologist. From my experience over decades, he DOES have dementia of some sort. I'm not sure who told you he doesn't have it or if it's your own thinking. Memory care is a good place to start.
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Is there a male friend he respects and can talk to him about this? Sometimes men need to talk guy-to-guy about certain things... and another male friend can talk bluntly to him in ways that his daughter will never be able to do and tell him in no uncertain terms to cover up the private bits.

Has the housekeeper observed any other odd behavior, perhaps him holding conversations with non-existent people? Kudos to them for sticking around.

Agreed.. you should never have to see your dad naked and I'm thinking that this needs to be stopped right now before dad gets much more comfortable and just assumes that everybody (neighbors included) are perfectly OK with his clothing-optional lifestyle. Good luck to you.
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It sounds as though your dad was never a nudist before and this is a new symptom or personality trait that has presented itself. This sounds to me like he has some cognitive issues going on. Add in the incontinence and it would be a deal breaker for me. He needs evaluated by a professional. If he goes outside naked and has a conversation with a child, he is going to get in trouble. Get pop a doctors appointment asap!
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Just because he has not been diagnosed with dementia of some type does not mean he does not have it.
This sounds a lot like Frontal temporal Dementia to me. He should be seen by a Neurologist or a Neuropsychologist for a full exam and proper diagnosis.

If I were the housekeeper I would quit but not before first checking with a lawyer to see if this might qualify for sexual abuse/ (just kidding here but this is serious and he could get into trouble answering the door in the nude. )
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My dad also prefers to be nude because he says it’s uncomfortable and easier to go to the toilet. Then he started soiling himself. The breaking point was when he went out to get the paper nude!! The neighbor saw him and actually was very understanding. Their are kids on the block that could have seen him! His doctor evaluated him. So since then we have an aide that dresses him every day and every day she has to monitor his dressing and hygiene. Everyday as part of my checking in I casually check on him. Now my mom is having the opposite issue. Is it contagious? 🙂
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Grandma1954 May 2022
Not contagious per se but there are studies that say that elderly people that care for a spouse that has dementia will develop dementia themselves.
Not sure if that is because they are elderly and may have been diagnosed with dementia anyway.
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Incontinence is a deal breaker. Nudity is a deal breaker. There is no going back after the first time you see urine or fecal matter anywhere but in a pull-up or in the toilet. The situation has clearly changed.
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Just a couple stories about senior men and nudity.

When I was in my early twenties I owned an audio/visual production company. I met Rodney Dangerfield doing a video for his night club show. We became friends but, whenever he was in his suite, he wore a bathrobe that didn't meet in the middle. It didn't matter who was there, 2 people or 12 people, bathrobe that was too small was worn.

Being fairly naive and young, I figured he was a single guy that just didn't shop and the robe was old, weight gain and all that. So I bought him a bathrobe for his birthday, that would actually reach ALL the way around and provide coverage.

I was told that the robe was great but, it was way to big and needed altering. OMG!

Yep, next time we visited, he was wearing the robe and it had been altered so it didn't meet in the middle.

Another time, we were out four-wheeling in the desert outside of Quartzsite, AZ and we came across a nudist camp. Not one of them had a stitch of clothing and they were all in their 70s, 80s and 90s. I know this because they were very hospitable and offered us a cold drink and conversation. Weirdest encounter if my entire life but, they all had great tans :-)

I truly believe that some people are going to be comfortable and it doesn't matter what others think.

The accidents are gross and inappropriate but, I don't think the desire to be nude is as off as we would all like to think.
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Beatty May 2022
Good points.

However, that first guy 🤯 umm yikes.
The elderly nudists, LOL 🤣🤣
(Reminded me of visiting Germany..)

Yes liking nudity is not wrong.. (we were all born that way after all 😁). I wonder if the gent wouldn't put his pants on - or couldn't. Like people who are barefoot because they can't reach their feet to put their shoes on.
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You may be now considered to be in the *Await the Crises Club*.

Your gut (& ahem eyes & nose) tells you something is not right.

Dad however, cannot feel it.

If he calls for help, his housekeeper calls for assistance, he falls, he is confused, looks pale, shaky or just wrong - get medical help. This may mean wrapping him in a blanket to drive to ER or calling EMS to do so.

Then speak up for him to reveive a medical check up & a geri review.
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lovingw1f3 May 2022
Hi Beatty,
My husband has vascular dementia and sees a neurologist. But I have had trouble finding a doctor in my area that specializes in gerontology. Any suggestions other than a google search to find one?
Thanks,
Pam
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Sounds like this behavior was not the behavior he exhibited a decade ago, and that the omission of household routine items such as attending to dirty dishes is also not a lifelong habit. Ruling out medical causes of unusual behavior comes first. May need internal medicine, neurology, or geriatric psychiatric to help with that process.
Figuring out what to do - I'm a nurse, but I still recoil when entering my mom's apartment and smelling the distinct odor of dried urine. And there are health risks in cleaning human waste without wearing gloves, and using appropriate cleaning materials. I'd suggest checking with housekeeper to learn about her perspective, what she thinks is causing the problem, and what ideas she has that might change his behavior/help her manage the problem. A raise might help, too!
Getting carpets steam cleaned, putting waterproof doormats or runners (securely attached to carpet/floor, and investing in some odor neutralizing products might make the house a bit less awful.
There are some folks who have a preference for minimal/no clothing in the privacy of home. Or sleeping nude. With frailty in body and mind, adapting to social expectations may fall off of their radar screen.
Good luck.
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I agree. This is not normal behaviour. And if I was his housekeeper I would quit. You need to get him to a Neurologist. He could have had a stroke and it effected the part of the brain that controls this type of behavior.
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He needs an updated medical evaluation. This new behavior isn’t normal and needs checking out. No one just likes to shock or offend others with nudity or have accidents or live in disarray without there being some issue
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