My FIL has lived with my husband and me for over 3 years. I am his caregiver. He is on hospice now, so I have help several times a week.
My SIL is verbally vicious to my husband. He has blocked her phone. In support of my husband, she can only text me. She spews hate for him via that method but at least I don’t have to listen to her.
She wants to talk to her dad on the phone. So far he hasn’t wanted to talk to her.
I have been sending her short updates on how my FIL is doing. She vented again and said she was going to tell our kids how awful my husband has been to her. She sent a ranting message to each of our six kids and my husband’s ex-wife.
Our kids are in their 40’s and 50’s and know their aunt.
They basically said “don’t involve us in this”
As one son said, if she will try to turn our kids against us, what else will she do?
She has denied “calling” the kids. Well, technically, she didn’t “call” them or “talk” to them.
She cannot talk to my FIL on the phone unless I am involved. But I am sick of her attacks on my husband and her lies to my FIL. I would let her chat with him every day if she was kind and actually held a conversation without lying or attacking my husband.
My FIL prefers to be left alone. You should see the faces he pulls when he finds out his CNA or RN is coming. 😉
So the occasional 30 second phone call would be all he would endure.
If I am the only way she can talk to my FIL, can I say “No more. You are unable to stop attacking your brother and lying to Dad. Consider yourself blocked from Dad.”
Can I do that?
Don't block her access to her father. Only he can do that.
My SIL has no access to dad except through me.
Then, if she spews hate, I would stop her immediately. It’s really important that you say the same EXACT message EVERY SINGLE TIME so that she knows if she behaves a certain way, she’ll learn very quickly what your reaction will be. Something like,
“STOP. We cannot condone you behaving this way. It is unacceptable. If you want to speak to dad, you need to treat us all with respect. I am going to block your number for 24 hours, and hopefully we can all move on and treat each other with mutual respect and understanding the next time you text or call.”
At first, she will make a GIANT stink, but after you doing this a few times she will learn that this reaction is your ONLY reaction to bad behavior. That you aren’t going to get sucked into a power struggle anymore. Ultimately, if your dad doesn’t want to talk to her either because of her behavior, she doesn’t really have any other recourse.
I am specially trained in altering and dealing with people with behaviors. This is my jam. The key to success here is consistency. You cannot alter from the program. It has to be the same message every time, and you cannot deviate from the plan.
If I tell her dad doesn’t want to talk to her, she says we “influenced” him.
I guess I could video him saying he doesn’t want to talk to her.
When my FIL’s wife had to go into a long-term care facility, he basically turned her over to the government. No access to any of their combined funds or assets. Medicare and the facility were her only “family”. Perhaps it was a Texas thing. I wish we had done that to dad. I will make it my legal wish. Families should not be divided because siblings are selfish.
Your FIL should tell his daughter that he doesn't want to talk to her if she can't be pleasant.
I would videos tape the call with him telling her this and if she continues to be abusive, I would file a restraining order against her. Your FIL definitely doesn't need her nonsense and neither does anyone else in the family.
I would also install a recording app on your phone and tell her that she is being recorded. This will help you if you have to file a restraining order.
Best of luck in a crummy situation.
If you have to get FIL a cheap phone sis can call him on - he can answer, not answer, have a conversation or hang up on her.
I'm so sorry, it really is a bad and poisonous situation.
You have an absolute _right_ to require _anyone_ who wants access to your home or your phone to be polite and courteous to yourself and the other people you have chosen to grant access to your home and phone.
SIL may call APS; so what? Tell APS she can converse with her father when she is able to maintain a polite and courteous conversation with him and others. It will help APS if you have a couple of recorded conversations where she was discourteous.
Although I agree it is morally preferable to allow the daughter to maintain contact with her dying father, you have no obligation to let her treat you and others badly because she feels like it. DEMAND she treats you and her father well.
Tell your SIL that you will ask Dad if he would like to call her. This is your "broken record" message, which you use to respond to every contact you receive from her no matter what the tone of voice or content.
And *do* ask him, every time, in as neutral a tone as you can manage.
This puts you absolutely in the clear in terms of ethics: you are leaving the choice to Dad, whose decision it is to make. Supporting a phone call is also a task that is, or should be, within the remit of a CNA so you shouldn't have to be involved at all.
A hospice CNA’s duties include phone calls?
I didn’t know that.
thank you.
I will ask her tomorrow when she comes.
thanks again.
The only thing I'd add is to document as much as you can. Jot dates, times, witnesses, specific wording. Take screenshots of any emails or texts. Be as specific as you can. This way should you have any concerns that your SIL would call the authorities that you had influenced him, you'd have a clear record. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
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