I've posted here before. My mom is 83. Not demented, but has had numerous health problems in recent years and basically never leaves the house. She's doing OK at the moment, but I am terrified of how I will cope with losing her eventually. I'm her only child and my father died tragically when I was 6. My mom drank a lot after that and I was/am extremely co-dependent and "enmeshed" with her. I know people grieve terribly when they lose their parents, but I do think that if you had a relatively healthy relationship (ie not enmeshed) it's easier to cope with. I feel like my mother is an artery in my body, like I couldn't possibly survive without her (ie I would have a mental collapse). I have kids, friends, but no partner right now, so I don't feel like I have anyone who will "save" me when this happens.
Thanks for listening. I just had to get that off my chest.
In the natural order of things, people lose 2 parents (and often 2 in-law parents). If a child dies before a parent, that is out of the expected sequence and especially difficult. Yes, almost all of us have or will experience the death of parents, and we do through it.
In your case, the "enmeshed" circumstances will be the biggest challenge, not simply your mother's death. The fact that you are now working on that factor with a therapist is an awesome sign that you will be able to cope when the time comes.
I'll tell you one thing that made things easier for me. My Mom was 92. Her poor old body had been through so much. Cancer, open heart surgery, kidney failure, osteoporosis, you name it. That last week in the hospital when I knew she was going to leave me, uppermost in my mind was her welfare not mine. I didn't want her to suffer anymore. As much as I hated to say good bye I knew that its what was best for my dear mom who I loved so much. I'll never stop missing her but I would not want her to be sufffering just so I could keep her.
It will be tough xinabess but you will get through it. If I can, anybody can. I still cry and grieve her loss terribly but I am a person of faith and I feel that we will be reunited one day. People on this site have helped tremendously. Feel free to visit this site whenever you feel scared and alone. God Bless.
Comments directed to you are helping me.
M88.............feeling physically and mentally exhausted.
:^(
M88
Anyway, two weeks ago she had a stroke and ended up in the hospital. While she was there, they also diagnosed an arrythmia and installed a pacemaker. Now she's in a rehab nursing home for the stroke. She also has some (minor, I think) CHF with some fluid build-up around her lung. She is able to tolerate PT, though, and is progressing pretty well.
She is finally being properly medicated and well cared for for all these conditions. She is completely on the ball, though she insists she's ready to go home (more denial). I figure she should be in better shape now than she was at home, since she was taking none of her meds and is now being monitored and medicated. Still, I'm a complete basket case. I'm her only child and we are extremely close, enmeshed, codepended--all that good stuff (ugh). While of course I realize that at 83 with all these health problems, she is unlikely to live for years and years, I am so anxious. Every time the nursing home pops up on my caller ID, I panic. I visit her frequently and she never wants me to leave (this is a woman who wouldn't let me visit her for 6 months when she was living alone).
I guess my question is how do I take care of myself and my own life without letting this constant terror of her demise consume me? I find myself calling her a lot to make sure she is OK. I guess I am trying to maintain control of this thing that I can't control.
I'm glad you are posting on the site. I had missed you and was wondering how things were going.
A lot has happened in your life.
Mom's stroke and rehab hospital. My goodness!
Like you say, she's in good hands, since she has care 24/7.
What are the people at rehab saying, as far as discharge plans?
What is going to happen?
They're going to ask you, and explain to you her prognosis, and they'll want to know if she's going to go home, or to a facility.
Be prepared for those questions.
What do you want to do?
Can you, perhaps, use the transition from rehab to ??? instead of going back home where she's not taking care of herself...........
Big help at rehab is the CASE MANAGER SOCIAL WORKER.
Will LISTEN to you, and the surrounding circumstances, and will help you
determine what is best for MOM and, thereby best for you.
I cringe at the thought of my mom having to go to a facility, especially when we're not independently wealthy. She's on Medi-Cal, same as Medicaid.
I am scared, and will be seeing a therapist for the first time, this week.
I understand what needs to happen, but I don't think I am strong enough to endure it. So much is the unknown, and it frightens me to no end.
M 8 8