How do I continue to cope with caring for mother (89) who constantly complains and refuses to go into an assisted living?
I am 64 years old and having been living with her for seven years after my husband passed away and left me in debt. She doesn't drive but expects me to get her out at least three times a week even though she is on a walker and can barely stand for five minutes without having to sit down. She is able to do little things around the house but refuses to because she thinks she is the center of the universe and everyone, especially me should cater to her every whim. I have brought up the subject of an Assisted Living arrangement which would certainly give me my life back and mentioned she would have other people her age to talk to. Her answer to that was " The only way I'm leaving this house is in a body bag!!" How do you react to that??? I am so stressed, depressed, angry and cannot sleep through the night anymore because of her constant nagging the demands she puts on me.
My parents [who were in their 90's] had stopped driving but expected me to pick up where they had left off. No problem.... until I found out they liked getting out of the house 3 times a day. Kinda hard for me to do while I was working full-time, so that meant I had use to all of my vacations days, sick days, and days without pay. Eventually I had to tell them only Saturday afternoon, and only one grocery store, not 3 or 4 because one store had a sale on soup, another a sale on ice cream, etc.
Another thing happens, you once again become "the child" and your Mom "the parent" and what she says goes. They are in denial that you, yourself, are a senior citizen with your own age decline, aches and pains. Even waving my Medicare card and AARP card in front of my parents didn't change their thinking.
My Mom also refused senior living as she felt she and Dad could still manage on their own... she died trying to prove herself right. Dad quickly moved into senior living and loves being there. The house was too much work for him.
Have Mom visit some of the Assisted Living places... I know, easier said then done... many offer free lunch and a tour, they understand how stubborn an elder can be, so the Staff will fuss over your Mom... and will fuss over her even after she moves in :)
If Mom says again "The only way I'm leaving this house is in a body bag!!", ask her what color would she like that bag :P
No is a complete sentence.
Angel
Angel
My mother in her late years has turned totally narcissistic. She has lost sight of needs I might have because they aren't relevant to her. I've lived with her for 6.5 years now and know what I'm dealing with. If I were to drop dead tomorrow, her only thought would be "Who's going to care for me now?" Like your mother, my mother is determined to live here until she dies. I know my mother well enough to know she would fight going into AL or a NH. She would stay in her house until something catastrophic happened.
Life here would be more simple if I just did anything she wanted me to do. The trouble is that she is never satisfied, so there is always one more thing I need to do to make her that way. Trying to make her happy is like a dog chasing its tail. Even if it catches it for a moment, it lets the tail go. A person will either be happy or not. Doing one more thing for them makes no difference. I've learned to say No a lot and that makes my mother unhappy. She then acts like I'm a rebellious teenager, instead of a 64-year-old woman. The only way I can stay sane in this situation is to set those limits on what I will do for her. I know that I always have the option of walking away. But I also know that would make a mess.
The way I handle my own mother is staying in another room of the house. I'm available if needed, but I don't have to be pulled into her misery. If I am in the same room for more than five minutes, she starts with a list of things to be done that don't need to be. I feel guilty like I'm neglecting her, but I know that keeping my distance is the only way I can stay. Going for long walks and to the local senior center to exercise and chat with people helps, too. And getting on AC to talk about things is priceless.
You actually hold the high card because you can leave at any time. But we don't actually need to win. The best solution is one where each of you benefit the most. I have a feeling from what you wrote that you already know this. You just have to find a way to work through the problems.
It can get crazy. Whenever I say No, she forgets all that has been done and starts yelling about how I never listen to her. We talk on the group about having a helmet so we don't hurt ourselves when we bump our heads on the wall.
I am 64 taking care of her. She wouldn't have done this for anyone at the age of 64, but expects so much from me. Patience is all I can answer. I'm still stuck in my situation and I agree........just ignore and walk away to another room. It's a very difficult time for me but there really is no answer. Good luck to all!! Just remember you are not alone.
My mother fusses to high heaven if I don't jump and drive her to the store at the drop of a hat (and she can barely walk) She told me that my sibling - the GOOD child - would do it, so I relayed the message and let her go with the good child to get her makeup ( she buys new lipstick every other week - and then leaves the top off so it melts) The good child did not enjoy the trip, but seems to be able to placate her better than I can. When you only deal with someone about two hours a week, it's a lot easier to have patience. I mentioned that perhaps she should move in with them, and that was not acceptable. In other words, the good child would have a different lifestyle , than they are accustomed to, why not just let ME deal with all the crap. My wants and needs do not matter.
The only way to get her into assisted living is to walk out. My father has said the same thing about being 'carried out' of the house, even though it is killing me trying to simply maintain it. One of my aunts hated her son until her dying day because he put her into a nursing home. His marriage was on the rocks because of his mother. It's sad that you have to hit people over the head to get some common sense and courtesy out of them. Especially when they are related to you.