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My husband who has dementia has started changing his clothes multiple times a day. At night he spends at least a couple of hours in his closet and then appears "ready for bed" wearing multiple layers of outdoor clothing, EG. two pairs of shorts with belts under 2 pairs of pajama pants and an outdoor jacket. We live in a warm state so cold isn't the issue. I have begun putting out the appropriate nightwear but he disregards it and getting him to change escalates into a scene. My therapist suggests letting him wear what he wants but my bed is a sanctuary to me and I hate the idea of outdoor clothing that could be less than clean. Frankly, I've given up SO much that I'm firm on this. I don't want him to sleep in the guest room as he could leave the house at night and I wouldn't hear. Is anyone else dealing with this?

Glasgow,

Your doctor is right. Pick your battles.

Better to concede than try to fight daily with DH about what he wears to bed.

Your sanctuary was gone when DH developed dementia.

You may have to find a new place to draw the line in the sand.

This behavior will pass and another take its place.

Perhaps you could wash or remove all his clothes you feel contaminate your space?
Then put the other items he might need for when the climate changes out of his sight.

I’m sorry it is so difficult.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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If you're worried he could leave the house at night, then your home is not properly set up with the right locks on the exterior doors for a dementia patient who's an elopement risk, regardless of where you sleep. Hire a handyman to install locks up high on the exterior doors where DH cannot reach them. If they're slide locks, you can unlock them yourself with a long stick or pole when DH isn't watching.

I'd sleep separately if it were me, and let him sleep in whatever clothes he wants. It's only a matter of time before incontinenence or some other offputting behavior forces you to separate beds anyway, realistically. Because you will NOT get thru to a dementia patient no matter what, period. You can remove his outdoor gear from the closet and see what happens, but prepare yourself for the next behavioral issue that comes down the pike. It's the nature of the beast, unfortunately. You need to start taking the approach of what's best for YOU now. And how to make your comfort a priority.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I’d pack most of his clothes away except for a few weather appropriate items.
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Reply to southernwave
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I would move to another bedroom and let him wear whatever he wants to bed, no sense in continuing to stop him, he has no clue.

You do not have to sleep with him, either he would move to another bedroom or I would.
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Reply to MeDolly
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I think there will be few sanctuaries in home as long as this continues; it won't get/is unlikely to get better. I think that another bed in the room that is all yours is one answer at this point, but eventually you are looking at a situation that simply cannot be handled 24/7 by one person. It will be more of a situation where several shifts of several people each is needed to manage care. You could consider two closets, one with a big SUN painted on it and one with a big MOON, and the one closet is kept locked during day times while opened when readying for bed. Not an easy buildout, but a division could perhaps be created by a handyman.

I do think overall, no matter how clever and determined, the time for care has come, and honestly that is up to you, and only you can make those decisions. I surely do wish you the best.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Its a fire hazard to lock someone into a room. Your not suppose to put key locked deadbolts on a door. My cousin did, but my uncle had someone with him 24/7. If you have round knobs, there are baby proof covers. You can use baby monitors so you hear him if you don't sleep in the same room. You have some good suggestions. One is getting rid of clothes he does not wear.

He will only worsen. You may want to consider placing him in memory care if u can afford it, if not LTC with Medicaid. An Elder Lawyer can help you split your assets. His split going to his care and when almost gone, you apply for Medicaid. As the Community Spouse you remain in the home, have a car and enough of ur montly income to live on.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Remove the clothing you don’t want him wearing
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Dementia patients, do much grosser things than sleep in there clothes.

You may need to change a lot more things in the future, as things get harder.


Many of these things seem to go in phases, might be his clothes this week something else next , ya just gotta go with the flow.

Just be careful he doesn't get to hot. I would do what others said, pack much of his clothes away.
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Pack away some clothes .
Get separate twin size beds, and on his put a waterproof mattress cover on right away before the first episode of incontinence in his new bed .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Anxietynacy Oct 30, 2024
What a great solution!!
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Like others I think having him in his own room is a good idea. You can purchase simple inside door alarms (under $30 on amazon) that are easily installed rather than locking his room; you can put a discreet lock high up on the inside of the main house doors; use a child-proof door knob ring if he has a round bedroom doorknob, set up a baby monitor, and also consider prescription sleep medication.

If you just can't control his nighttime habits or it gets to be too much for you, then please consider MC.
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Reply to Geaton777
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