Very confused about Mom's anger at me. Any advice?
My mom, 88 yrs old with heart failure, living in her own home and not doing well at all physically. Also, is quite depressed and does not want to talk to people any longer. Brothers call once a week, for a few minutes. I call every couple of days now. This question is about our conversations which take place over the phone:
I try to be there for her and listen as other family members won't/can't and have even told her not to talk abut her problems. That leaves me, the daughter. I listen. But, I always pay for it. She will talk about all the things that are troubling her (that's okay), but then she will say "you don't understand". I try to tell her that I DO understand and then it turns into an argument. . She will say "I did not mean understand in that way". So I ask her what do you mean when you use that word? (I am at this point lost) and she then says: "It does not matter. It is just a saying and why are you so particular and precise about everything? And why are you trying to correct my English? I am thinking what??? What has happened here? I am totally confused by what has happened. I am sure this is confusing to you, the reader, too? Then, my mother will say, if you keep on asking, this conversation willl end. And this time, I got angry and said "I have done nothing wrong here, I was just trying to understand, and so be it, let it end and I say goodbye. And then I feel like I have done something wrong, but I don't know what and I feel guilty. Has anyone experienced this and, if so, what is this? As to whether of not she has dementia, the doctors are out on that one. The basic test, she passes. And she wont go to doctors very much, so no testing. She will only go with my brother to the doctor as he was the one who used to take her. He will not listen to me, is difficult, and so I no longer communicate with him, as it is pointless to send a "heads up" about possible dementia in an email and get a response saying "just don't write to me and stop expecting me to do everything".
This is so not true. But that is not the question. The question is why does this make her so angry? Thank you.
Jackie
9 Answers
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The sentences that start "You cannot understand" bother me a lot, because they ignore the human capacity for empathy. "You cannot understand" to me means that the talker is feeling that they alone are the only person who has ever suffered such trouble and grief. It is usually used like a bullet to cause guilt in a person who is being sympathetic with them. I think it is just anger at the world aimed at the person who least deserves the anger.
I know that when I was staying with my cousin in her house after she took a fall, I was bending over backwards to help care for her and her household. However, as soon as I would walk in the door, she would start picking for an argument. She would say things that were so off the wall and untrue. She was very unreasonable and did push me away. Sadly, when I got the phone call to check on her later, she had gone way downhill and was no longer able to care for herself.
I then realized the dementia had caused her disagreeable behavior. So, I would not judge her too harshly. Perhaps your mom is not able to prevent her behavior that makes you feel so bad. She may not be able to control it. There's no need to blame yourself for that.
It's too bad she won't pursue more medical evaluation. It must be scary for her, but at least the truth could give some answers on what is actually going on with her. I would keep check on her, but don't blame yourself. That is not productive and only adds to the problem. Do what you know is right and have peace in your heart. That's my motto. Good luck.
She sounds depressed. Can you mail a note to the doctor about that? If you are not her healthcare proxy, the doctor can't GIVE you information , but you have the ability to send him your observations of her behavior and mood.
I hope this might explain one little aspect of it, as an example. That skirmish about whether or not you understood. You meant you understood what she was saying to you, and you did, because you were listening closely and contact her frequently. She meant you don't understand how it feels to be 88, have heart failure, feel like crap all the time and have bugger all to look forward to - well of course you don't! Why would you? You were, then, talking at cross purposes. Can I ask, without its sounding snotty, whether this happens a lot between you and your mother?
The thing is, I think there might be a parallel disjunction going on emotionally. You end up feeling bad about your mother, unfairly, and are looking for some kind of answer as to how it's your fault, what you've done wrong. The point is that it's NOT your fault, and it's none of your doing. But of course you still feel bad *for* your mother: she's elderly, and ill, and not in an enviable position. It's about sympathising with her, but not accepting responsibility for something you can't change - let alone blaming yourself. You're not to blame.
If your brother is also a bit of a chip off the old block, by "don't write to me and stop expecting me to do everything" perhaps what he means is that he's paddling as fast as he can and he doesn't want to hear about another thing to put on his To Do list. He might have phrased it better. In fact he'd have done better to pick up the phone and talk to you about your concerns, but…
Your mother's anger with you. She's not angry with you for failing to cure her ills. She's angry about having those ills, but not with you. What she probably does get annoyed with you about is your hoping, trying, to make it all better. You can't. You don't have the answer.
What I'd suggest is keeping your conversations shorter and more varied - tell her about your day, talk to her about small normal things, keep it brief and keep it ordinary. See how it goes for a week or two and whether the mood lightens.
Looking ahead, if your mother has had heart failure for a while (I mean years and years) she may have vascular dementia and she may have depression - I stress the "may." There is nothing to stop you telling her doctor of your concerns, as long as you bear in mind that the doctor cannot tell you anything in return - you'd be putting in a report, not opening a discussion. It might be worth doing.
I feel so sorry that your poor mother is clearly suffering, you would like to do something about it, and you must feel thwarted. It's an upsetting position to be in. If you can get a firmer handle on what it is possible to help and what you can't do anything about, I hope that at least you'll feel much less hurt personally. Best of luck, please keep posting.
Always thank the aides for putting up with a tough customer.