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My husband's father is staying with us during this pandemic. His caregiver of 4 years went out of the country before the quarantine and she has been gone for a little over a month. We've both heard him call her on the phone to see when she will come back and notice he's been saying "I love you." His reactions towards her has my husband wondering if he is in a position that he could be taken advantage of. Obviously having the same caregiver for 4 years one would almost see them as part of the family, but is that normal? Any advice on how to monitor this?

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Nothing wrong with keeping an extra close eye on the situation, but it's more likely than not nothing if he's got alz or dem. I've caught myself saying "I love you" to patients myself that remind me of my mother of father's accent before (since I always do before saying goodbye to them), it may just be a habit for him.
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Hummingbird30 May 2020
Of course we realize that many agency caregivers have ethical standards, but some red flags were raised with the way he would say it. Definitely will keep a close eye out. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
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A caregiver who's been with the family for 4 years and one you've come to know and trust, I would certainly consider part of the family. "I love you" has many different connotations. Saying it to your husband is different than saying it to your parents, your best friend, or anyone else. I wouldn't be concerned with it. The only way he could be taken advantage of with her out of the country would be for him to be sending her money.
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Hummingbird30 May 2020
Yes, that's what we would hope that the connotation isn't an infatuation, but hearing him on the phone say that made us both think it didn't sound right. We'll be monitoring. Thanks for sharing.
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Hummingbird, you don't mention if your FIL has dementia or some other cognitive decline. If he does and your husband is FIL's financial PoA I hope he is monitoring his dad's bank accounts, maybe have a credit alert service, and check his phone to see how often they are communicating with each other. If the caregiver is hired through an agency, him calling her directly may not be appropriate or allowable policy, but you'd have to confirm that with them (you don't want her to complain about the calls if they aren't wanted). If she's calling him I'd let the agency know. My cousin was in a situation where a very well-loved caregiver totally cleaned out the person she hired to care for her brother. And this caregiver knew exactly what she was doing. So, just proceed with eyes wide open. At some point she will return and who knows how much more enamored FIL may be with this woman. Even if she's innocent of any dubious intentions he may become infatuated enough with her that he'll do something rash (like make her his PoA) or something more. It happens a lot (just search on this website for "financial abuse"). Make sure FIL's sensitive and financial info is protected: passwords, checkbooks, cc's, etc. An ounce of prevention etc.
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Hummingbird30 May 2020
Your suggestions are well taken. Thanks for sharing. He 's in mid 80s but does not have dementia however stated that sometimes he is confused. He does crossword puzzles, reads the paper and is aware of current events, but there are slight signs that some decisions he makes are a bit off. My husband has taken care of some legal issues and maintains the checkbook. Doing as much prevention as we can since he's still considered competent.
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Thought about this. Just rambling here.

Yes, aides can become a very important part of a person's life. Sometimes its the only interaction a person has during the day. But, there is such a thin line here. They aren't family they are employees. Its their job to care for their client and do it in a caring way. But I see where abusing the situation can happen. The aide gets a little too comfortable. You can be caring but an aide needs to keep it professional. If a client, especially a man, starts showing signs that he wants more from the relationship, then its up to the aide to remind the man that she is an employee and anything more than that can't happen. Aides should except no gifts (especially if with an agency). If the person insists, then the aide should talk to the family. There's a post now where an Uncle or father hired a live in Caregiver and she moved her family in. He is being taken for a ride financially. But he is competent.

So what I am saying, is keep your eyes open. Maybe mention to the aide that you overheard a conversation and you hope she is professional enough to remember she is an employee and not allow FIL to think anymore than that.
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Hummingbird30 May 2020
Thank you for your insight. We are keeping our eyes open. I dealt with caregiver issues years ago when my mom passed so I'm just sharing my caregiver experience with my husband, but since I never had to have a home health aide for my mom I have no experience with that, but have heard stories of various types of elder abuse especially when a family member is not real close by.
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My clients all told me they loved me. I took it in stride and as it was meant. They weren't IN LOVE with me, but they loved 'me' for what I could do for them.

The words "I love you' are not spoken enough in this world!
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Bootsielou May 2020
I sympathize with caregivers but we had a situation with my father-in-law. After 65 years of marriage my mother-in-law died and he went a little nuts. I can totally understand this but he found a caretaker through his lawn care man. She had no training and was in her 40's and he was 86. After one week he wanted to marry her until we stepped in and threatened to call the sheriff. She told all of my husband's siblings all she wanted was his house none of his money. He died within a week of all this happening so they never married. He died at home and she was caught loading up all of his furniture.. My husband was the executor of the estate and showed up as she was going through all his papers etc with a trailer loaded with household goods. He told her to get out. Afterwards we found he had bought her a new car and it was titled in her name. There are some from shady people out there and most of them involved in this sort of scam are woman.
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Bootsielou, the reason most of the ones involved in scamming are women is because most caregivers are women. Let's not be misogynists here...
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I personally don't think saying "I love you" to a caregiver is suspicious, unless you've noted other concerns. My Mom has 3 caregivers. She tells them that she loves them each time they leave. She knows that she can depend on them they treat her good and they care about her.
Mom is 91.
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JoAnn29 avatar
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JoAnn29 May 2020
Thats not a woman caregiver and a man.
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A friend had a caregiver for dad. He ended up divorcing his wife of several decades and going to Mexico with caregiver and her children. Her mom was suicidal for a while. When my 92 year old dad moved in with me, one care giver was quite chatty and friendly. Then she became what I considered a bit flirty. She wanted to take my dad out to get a chocolate malt and to appointments. I had to tell her to stop, be more professional, and don’t take him anywhere without my prior approval for each outing. She became passive aggressive toward me and finally quit. I keep my dads wallet and checkbook in my purse. His POA, POLST and trust are all in order. I check his bank account regularly. My dad is legally blind and needs a high degree of help.
what is FIL’s status? Is son on his accounts? How many caretakers are there? How many backup caretakers are available? Have you met these caregivers? Let them know you are watching in a kind way. Who is watching his house, belongings, doing maintenance? Lots to take care of now. Many opportunities for loss here.
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theguardian May 2020
You are 100% correct in all your advise. No matter how long they've been employed to take care or your loved one and have become "like family" the fact is THEY ARE NOT. I had to learn that costly mistake.
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We had a wonderful caregiver that took care of both parents until their death. She was part of our family, we loved her and continue to have her involved with us. You must be happy to have someone you can count on. It sounds like he does love her so she must be important and caring.
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Care givers can be a mixed bag. My parents in their 90's living in their own home now have 24/7 care due to dad's issues and mom unable to do everything dad needs. They also have long time house keeper many years-recently added to the will to receive money. Nosey neighbor also now in the will to receive cash-in spite of mom saying from time to time the lady was too controlling and also took things from them and not asking first. My brother reminds me that parents money is not my money and they can do what they want even if it sounds crazy to me-i would probably give some cash to long term employee but not the nosey neighbor and not the amount they are promising-does not seem "normal" to me. I would listen to your intuition about relationships and have a word with both sides. I would rather nip something odd in the bud before it gets out of hand. I personally don't like either of the persons i have mentioned. Housekeeper has taken items offered by mom-in spite of me asking to be informed of items before accepting by housekeeper but this has not happened-the lady telling me she accepted things she thought no one in the family would have wanted-how do you know this if you don't bother to ask me. Same lady did not tell me when she saw red flags of bad caregivers treatment towards my dad. My parents don't take my advise-saying i am trying to control them not protect them from users-takers. Just my 2 cents.
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Depends...do you have FULL CUSTODY of the finances and handle the checks & payments and credit cards then you have nothing to worry about. I would be concerned of Opportunists & Predators they are everywhere in the world. My mom has Dementia & isnt all their if you know what I mean...

Professionals should remain professional but many Aides dont know what that means & cross lines. You dont call the Doctor at all times of the day & mention how much you love them correct? The patient should never be giving out there personal phone number to noone & the Aide should never give out their personal number to patients. They have a job to do but neither do you want someone uncaring & cold. Its a fine line & try to establish Boundaries with the company hired to Assist your loved one

They have Adult Day Care for Seniors that will keep them busy & fullfill Socializing Needs ... everyone likes chatting and sharing with others

Look Up Transferrence & CoDependence
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I'm wondering if his expression of love is romantic or platonic. On the one hand, she has been his caregiver for 4 years. On the other hand, it is reasonable to wonder if his feelings have crossed the line. Is there a diagnosis of dementia? Have you thought about speaking with the caregiver? Just because your Dad is expressing his love for her doesn't mean that it is reciprocated. As a caregiver, I'm thinking that she may have encountered this before. Professional caregivers are aware that engaging in a romantic relationship can be subject to dismissal as well as potential legal involvement. I would try to be present during visits as much as possible as well as having a frank talk with the caregiver. Additionally, I would limit his access to money (credit cards etc.) so that financial abuse doesn't come into play. You also may want to inventory and possibly remove any items from the home that he may want to gift. Good luck.
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At the risk of sounding disrespectful, what is wrong with a little romance in a person’s life? Unless of course he is legally married, then the possible affair would not be appropriate. To have someone that excites your daily life is a powerful motivator to start the day, but if in the other hand this caregiver might be plotting some fraud against professed lover, that is totally wrong. Does the possibility of this caregiver wanting to take advantage exists? Is the age gap between both both too wide to make a relationship plausible? Or is it just platonic, or is this guy falling head over heels? Better to err on the side of caution, if any indications of foul play appear to be on the making. Either way, he is mighty lucky to have people that cares for him.
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My 93 yo mother has dementia & has same private pay caregiver to take care of her since 4 years. Each time she comes, my mother tells her she hates her...& curses racist language. My mother was never racist when she was “normal”. I’m glad she comes back. She knows & realizes it’s part of the disease. Other aides came & left because of it...But $$$ & jewelry should be hidden. Get cameras & pop In unexpectedly. Have control of his finances. Always be aware & have eyes open, but not to the extent that you make caregiver uncomfortable. Hugs 🤗
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I'd hide the jewelry and the silverware just to be on the safe side. Hopefully you have POA and control the finances and have possession of the checkbooks and bank statements. I've had caregivers in here to take care of mother for 5 years now, and some of the ones I thought were the sweetest the nicest and the most trustworthy ended up being just the opposite. Personally, I'd put a kibosh on the love talk even if it meant getting a different caregiver as from my experience you can't be too careful these days.
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Imho, he might have misspoke. On the off that there is something amiss, at least you are aware enough to keep your ear out for more convos.
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What type of care giving is she administering to your dad? Does she come and go or is she in house. Does he live alone or with the caregiver? The answers to those questions would determine if there is a concern. I would think.
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Contact the company and remind them of Boundaries with patients. Depending on your father's condition ask him about it. Also check with the administrators at the Center. Also check with all the banks....to see IF he/she is on any accounts. Tough road God Bless You I've been there several times! Dr Jack Grenan
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As long as you have POA and dad doesn’t have access to accounts and cards that part is fine. We have a safe to keep valuables and documents. My mother has had some caregivers that they have exchanged I love you with. Since dad lives with you that creates a safety net. We put up Nest cameras in the open in places mom is in. We did this when she was still alone and would not accept help to check on her. But it is a safeguard now. If it turns into a romance in dads mind and makes him unhappy then it is a problem. The fact that you have someone for 4 years is wonderful. You are lucky. Yes caregivers do become like family. Good luck!
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As a self-employed caregiver for many years, I have to say that giving a client my private number is a big NO-NO. I have an answering service to prevent that. Also, there are two more caregivers with this client, we've chatted about this, and we all agree that will not happen. It can / will cause phone calls in the middle of the night, leading to caregiver rushing to see what's wrong. If she's the only caregiver, look into finding another part-time, giving her some time away from the client. Separate the client and caregiver for short amounts of time. Sounds like he's becoming attached, in the sense of believing she's the only one that cares.
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