My mother has been the full-time caregiver to my dad during his decline with terminal cancer. It's always been about him, but I'm becoming concerned about her well-being after observing signs of burnout: short-term memory lapses (asking me a question, I answer, 2 minutes later asks me same question again), distractibility (I will be speaking to her and her attention suddenly goes to something else and she doesn't hear me anymore, very unlike her), general scatterbrained-ness, fatigue, frequent headaches, not as able to handle as many things as she used to (at first my brother and I wondered if she was making excuses or just overly doubting her abilities). I live an hour away and come over often, usually wanting to visit but instead ending up cleaning the house, fixing things, helping with assorted tasks-- often things she could have handled on her own 2 years ago. Dont get me wrong, I'm not bitter about her needing my help more. I'm just concerned that her mind and personality have changed so much. Sometimes I worry she has early signs of dementia, other times I assume its just burnout, sometimes I wonder/worry whether her mind will get better after he passes. I'm planning on bringing some of these things to her attention in a very gentle manner, suggesting her getting a physical, finding support groups, maybe informing the hospice nurse or case manager of my concerns... Not only do I worry about my father's anticipated passing, but now I worry about my mom's mental and physical health. I'm only 26 and its so hard to see them both this way.
Hospice is a wonderful gift made available to the dying, such as your dad.
Talk with your parents primary health care provider & I pray that you have durable & medical power of attorney. If not, get it now...
Your a true blessing to them & to you.
I experienced some of the changes you describe when I cared for my sister during her final battle with cancer. Although the changes did reverse themselves after her death, it was unsettling to experience mental confusion and find myself unable to move forward.
These are some things that helped me:
The infusion center where my sister received chemo has a healing arts program. I've read that more and more cancer facilities have these. They're absolutely, wonderful and provide so much respite.
Our center had ceramics, retreats, mental health boot camps, needlework shows and art classes. They were drop-in classes, unlike traditional academic classes with a planned curriculum. Open only to individuals affected by cancer, the relaxed and comforting atmosphere allowed us to talk freely about our experiences and feelings among people who experienced similar changes.
I also used music therapy extensively as well as meditation and workouts. Walking helped as well. Pet therapy was equally helpful. Just petting a soft furry cuddly creature brought instant relaxation.
Medication was not an option; I wasn't going to rely on it.
OP, I would start by providing some respite for your mother and go out for a meal, visit a garden, free concert, park...someplace where she can appreciate the inspiration of nature and be reminded that there still is beauty in life.
If you have relatives or friends, perhaps they could stay with your father for awhile if he needs constant care.
Put the cleaning and housework on the back burner and focus first on your parents' health. Women (me included) tend to feel that the housework needs to be kept up, regardless of the circumstances. At this time in your parents' life, their mental and physical health is more important. The dust bunnies will also reproduce exponentially and be there when you're ready to go after them.
If your mother has a hairdresser, make sure she takes time to visit. Just knowing that her appearance is at its best will help her feel better.
If she feels guilty taking time for herself, remind her that she needs to remain healthy in order to care for your father, so that the time she spends on herself is also helping him.
And by all means try to find a support group, starting with the hospital and/or infusion center if your father gets chemo.
But really, do insist that she take time for herself, even if it requires letting some noncritical tasks lapse and if it means bringing in someone to help. My sister's oncologist asked if she needed household help and stated that she could arrange for that.
Good luck, best wishes, and thank you for being such a caring daughter.
Remind your mom that she will not be there for her husband if she is ill. Women "do for others" rather than themselves. My mom felt it was her "duty" as a wife. also, just because one spouse is ill does not rule out the other from becoming ill. No one has that kind of superpowers.