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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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Opposite situation here. She wants me to be with her. She has mobility issues and can not move around easily. She has said that she is lonely. We are together in a small home so there is not much room for me to get lost. Alone time for me is grocery shopping once a week and a small volunteer program which is no more than 4 hrs a month. We are both 84 years old, married 62 years old. Is it too late to run away from home {grins}
vickij1967: Perhaps his neurologist can offer medication add on/change out. However, dad has come to quite possibly become frightened when mom is out of eyesight.
For starters NEVER allow a shadowing habit to even form. Most people don't know this. I was a caregiver for 25 years. I have never allowed a shadowing habit to form even when I did live-in. If one has already been established, the only way for it to stop is your mother will have to force your father out of it.
If he's following her around the house, she is going to have to have periods of time where she leaves the the house and has someone else be there while she is gone. If this is going to be done by a hired caregiver coming in, then your mother has to leave when they are there.
Another good way to break someone out of a shadowing habit is to put them in adult daycare.
He will most likely start panicking and getting agitated at first when he's away from your mother. His doctor can prescribe medication to help that. Your father will get used to a new routine where he isn't with your mother 24/7. It will be difficult at first, but he will get used to it. Then it won't be.
Your father has to be away from your mother for periods of time every day. After a few months the time away can be cut down. This is the only way to break a shadowing habit other than not allowing one to form.
Good luck, and please help your mother find homecare or daycare to give her a break and to break the shadowing habit.
Daytime activities can help regulate a patient’s sleep/wake cycle, improve sleep quality and minimize sundowning, but fatigue and anxiety sometimes combine to worsen dementia-related behavioral symptoms.
See: https://compassionstl.com/shadowing-in-alzheimers/ (and some content copied below):
Our dementia caregivers suggest using the following techniques to help:
Avoid conflict.
The older adult may become angry or combative in an attempt to communicate their anxiety about being alone. Regardless of what they do or say, it’s important that you avoid arguing with or correcting the person. An appropriate reaction is to validate a loved one’s feelings (“I can see you’re feeling upset,”) and redirect the discussion to a much more calming topic (“Would you like to try a slice of the cake we made this afternoon?”)
Help with tracking time.
Because the sense of time is often lost in people diagnosed with dementia, telling the person you will just be away for a few minutes will most likely not mean very much. Try using a standard wind-up kitchen timer for short separations. Set the timer for the amount of time you’ll be out of sight and ask your loved one to hold onto it, explaining that when it dings, you will be back.
Provide distractions.
Finding a calming activity for the older adult to take part in can be enough of a diversion to allow you a brief period of respite. Try repetitive tasks, such as sorting nuts and bolts or silverware, folding napkins, filing papers, or anything else that is safe and of interest to the older adult.
Increase the person’s circle of trust.
Having a friend or two with you as you go through the person’s routines can help them learn to trust people other than just you. Over time, once that trust is in place, the person will become calmer when you need to step away, knowing there is still a lifeline readily available.
Record yourself.
Make a short video of yourself taking care of chores like folding laundry, reading aloud, singing, etc. and try playing it for your loved one. This digital substitution could be all that’s needed to give them a sense of comfort when they are away from you.
What Causes Shadowing in Dementia Patients?
Anxiety and Confusion-Dementia-related behaviors are very complex and influenced by countless factors. Shadowing is thought to be rooted in anxiety and confusion. James Huysman, Psy.D., LCSW, indicates that most dementia patients are saying with shadowing behavior “I am alone, scared and have no social support systems other than you.” Memory loss associated with AD and other dementias leaves elders feeling disoriented and fearful. They may then cling to familiar people that bring them comfort, guidance and reassurance.
Constant following and mimicking may seem harmless, but it can have serious repercussions for patients and caregivers alike.
It is a very common behavior in those with dementia. See 97yroldmom's link below. It won't stop anytime soon so she will need strategies to deal with it, since it creates a lot of stress for the caregiver.
I think this behavior is better than eloping when the person runs away from home, even in the middle of night. My husband eloped a few times at the beginning of his illness and it was extremely stressful to keep him safe.
Your mom is a "safe person" for your dad. As other things that he "knows" fade this is what he does "know": He knows that she will be there for him. He knows that she understands him. He knows that she won't make fun of him if he makes a mistake. He knows that he is not "lost" if he knows where she is.
Is there an Adult Day Program where they live? That can help. It gives him a safe place to go a few hours a few days a week. It gives mom a break, gives dad a break. If there is no Adult Day Program getting a Caregiver in to help is a good idea. It gives dad another person he can trust. (eventually, it will not happen right away) Introduce the caregiver as a "friend" and the friend can help mom. then the second time the "friend" comes mom can say she has to run to the store. Leave for an hour or so. Dad will by then trust the caregiver. The next time mom leaves for a bit longer.
If mom wants some "alone time" she should give dad a task to do. Fold laundry Cut recipes out of a magazine Peel potatoes Wash dishes / load the dishwasher make the bed. (Obviously if any of these things are not safe for him to do then you don't give him that task) ((and if any of the tasks are not done the way mom wants them done she should not say anything .. doing them kept him occupied and that is the goal.))
If he has been formally diagnosed by a geriatric behavioral specialist (psychiatrist, psychologist, neurologist, psychiatric social worker etc.) it may be that he will respond to medication for anxiety/depression carefully administered in small doses.
As to cause, in the early stages of dementia, a patient can be aware of the failing ability to use thought and reasoning for problem solving, and become panic stricken to “keep the secret” while trying to maintain the appearance that everything’s FINE and the same as it was before.
Being with your mother may allow your dad to assure himself that if she’s there, he’s OK.
Part of the tragedy of this disease.
Hope you are able to give Mom “time out” and also find ways to soothe Dad.
And also, be good to yourself, too. Being the kid who loses a parent this way is tough on you too.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If one has already been established, the only way for it to stop is your mother will have to force your father out of it.
If he's following her around the house, she is going to have to have periods of time where she leaves the the house and has someone else be there while she is gone. If this is going to be done by a hired caregiver coming in, then your mother has to leave when they are there.
Another good way to break someone out of a shadowing habit is to put them in adult daycare.
He will most likely start panicking and getting agitated at first when he's away from your mother. His doctor can prescribe medication to help that. Your father will get used to a new routine where he isn't with your mother 24/7. It will be difficult at first, but he will get used to it. Then it won't be.
Your father has to be away from your mother for periods of time every day. After a few months the time away can be cut down.
This is the only way to break a shadowing habit other than not allowing one to form.
Good luck, and please help your mother find homecare or daycare to give her a break and to break the shadowing habit.
See: https://compassionstl.com/shadowing-in-alzheimers/ (and some content copied below):
Our dementia caregivers suggest using the following techniques to help:
Avoid conflict.
The older adult may become angry or combative in an attempt to communicate their anxiety about being alone. Regardless of what they do or say, it’s important that you avoid arguing with or correcting the person. An appropriate reaction is to validate a loved one’s feelings (“I can see you’re feeling upset,”) and redirect the discussion to a much more calming topic (“Would you like to try a slice of the cake we made this afternoon?”)
Help with tracking time.
Because the sense of time is often lost in people diagnosed with dementia, telling the person you will just be away for a few minutes will most likely not mean very much. Try using a standard wind-up kitchen timer for short separations. Set the timer for the amount of time you’ll be out of sight and ask your loved one to hold onto it, explaining that when it dings, you will be back.
Provide distractions.
Finding a calming activity for the older adult to take part in can be enough of a diversion to allow you a brief period of respite. Try repetitive tasks, such as sorting nuts and bolts or silverware, folding napkins, filing papers, or anything else that is safe and of interest to the older adult.
Increase the person’s circle of trust.
Having a friend or two with you as you go through the person’s routines can help them learn to trust people other than just you. Over time, once that trust is in place, the person will become calmer when you need to step away, knowing there is still a lifeline readily available.
Record yourself.
Make a short video of yourself taking care of chores like folding laundry, reading aloud, singing, etc. and try playing it for your loved one. This digital substitution could be all that’s needed to give them a sense of comfort when they are away from you.
What Causes Shadowing in Dementia Patients?
Anxiety and Confusion-Dementia-related behaviors are very complex and influenced by countless factors. Shadowing is thought to be rooted in anxiety and confusion. James Huysman, Psy.D., LCSW, indicates that most dementia patients are saying with shadowing behavior “I am alone, scared and have no social support systems other than you.” Memory loss associated with AD and other dementias leaves elders feeling disoriented and fearful. They may then cling to familiar people that bring them comfort, guidance and reassurance.
Constant following and mimicking may seem harmless, but it can have serious repercussions for patients and caregivers alike.
I researched this on the internet.
Gena / Touch Matters
The OP should put her father into adult daycare. Or bring in a hired caregiver in the home, then the mother goes out for the duration of their shift.
You break a shadowing habit by removing the person for periods of time that is being shadowed.
Your mom is a "safe person" for your dad.
As other things that he "knows" fade this is what he does "know":
He knows that she will be there for him.
He knows that she understands him.
He knows that she won't make fun of him if he makes a mistake.
He knows that he is not "lost" if he knows where she is.
Is there an Adult Day Program where they live? That can help. It gives him a safe place to go a few hours a few days a week. It gives mom a break, gives dad a break.
If there is no Adult Day Program getting a Caregiver in to help is a good idea.
It gives dad another person he can trust. (eventually, it will not happen right away)
Introduce the caregiver as a "friend" and the friend can help mom. then the second time the "friend" comes mom can say she has to run to the store. Leave for an hour or so. Dad will by then trust the caregiver. The next time mom leaves for a bit longer.
If mom wants some "alone time" she should give dad a task to do.
Fold laundry
Cut recipes out of a magazine
Peel potatoes
Wash dishes / load the dishwasher
make the bed.
(Obviously if any of these things are not safe for him to do then you don't give him that task)
((and if any of the tasks are not done the way mom wants them done she should not say anything .. doing them kept him occupied and that is the goal.))
As to cause, in the early stages of dementia, a patient can be aware of the failing ability to use thought and reasoning for problem solving, and become panic stricken to “keep the secret” while trying to maintain the appearance that everything’s FINE and the same as it was before.
Being with your mother may allow your dad to assure himself that if she’s there, he’s OK.
Part of the tragedy of this disease.
Hope you are able to give Mom “time out” and also find ways to soothe Dad.
And also, be good to yourself, too. Being the kid who loses a parent this way is tough on you too.
https://www.alz.org/media/cacentral/dementia-care-39-the-light-beyond-shadowing_1.pdf