I have been caring for elderly parents since 2018. I managed when my mother had Alzheimer's and did the best I could until she passed away. Now I am responsible for my dad that I have almost no relationship with after my parents divorced 40+ years ago. This is taking a toll on my mental and physical health. I am struggling with taking care of someone I don't know or even like. It is affecting my work, home life, and marriage. I don't know how to maintain my sanity.
Please consider counseling so that you can have healthy boundaries.
Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area? That’s a good place to start. They can do a needs assessment for your father and suggest recommendations for him.
In my opinion, hands on care for many hours in such a situation is just impossible. I think you need to get him placed in assisted living or similar, so you can minimize your time. We dont know the logistics and financial scenario of your situation, but my advice is to do whatever you can to reduce your time with him. Or reduce it to zero by having a state appointed guardian appointed as others have said.
Are you though?
In what way?
Legal responsibility? As Guardian?
Or Legal Power of Attorney?
Society expectations? Expected by your wider family? Because you are a daughter (or son)?
Because HE expects it?
You are not obligated to run yourself into the ground for what is basically a sperm donor. He sired you but he is NOT your dad.
All HIS way. Need it now etc.
Little thanks & a lot of complaints.
Any other options were shot down. Taxi. Meals on wheels. Grocery deliveries. Senior centre for company. Only wanted his son to be servant.
I mention this in case this is similar for you?
Please consider that you are NOT responsible for him. He's an adult. He had his WHOLE life to plan for his old age. If YOU were the plan, you needed advance notification.
Practice saying "no, I can't do that. You'll have to make other arrangements.'
He can only abuse you and cause you anxiety if you allow it.
If other family or people don't like this or will judge it, so what? Tell them they can go do it. This all may seem so hard for you (due to F.O.G.) and perhaps complex trauma, dysfunction and codependency. This is why I suggested counseling.
You DO have control. Claim it.
I mean really....what are you thinking??? And why does it have to be you?(it doesn't you know)
For some reason you have chosen to take on this martyr role, perhaps to seek the love and attention that we all need and crave from a father figure, yet a lot of us never get.
And you won't either, so don't you think it's best to just cut your ties now while you still have a bit of sanity left, and before he sucks the rest of it out of you?
It's time to learn the word NO, as that word is a complete sentence.
I hope you value your life and marriage enough to start using that word today with the man who's sperm help create you.
You do not want to do it so you can either choose to be a care martyr or you can choose to not be.
There are options. Homecare (that your father pays for not you). Or he can be placed in the appropriate living to meet his care needs. If he needs LTC or memory care, find a facility for him. If he still has some level of independence, look to assisted living or even senior housing. Or you could call it a day entirely and let him become a ward of the state. If you're his POA, you can easily get yourself removed by going to the lawyer who did the POA or by going to the probate court and removing yourself fro it that way.
Don't become a martyr though. When people do they ruin more than just their life. The ruin the lives of everyone who loves them.
I have read your responses to the answers below.
It is rare that those of us on the Forum, given our diversity of age, race, creed, and even country, agree. But all here seem to agree, and I will add that I do as well. There is no reason for you to continue in this care. It is self-harming behavior.
You have made choices and as an adult you are RESPONSIBLE for your own choices. We are a Forum. We cannot make choices for you.
You are not responsible for your father and no child is. In fact, it is PARENTS who are responsible for CHILDREN, not the other way around. When you bring, by purpose or accident, a new being into this world you OWE that helpless child a support, love, attention, a home until they reach age of majority. They then fly the nest. The contract is OVER.
Someone below has asked you to consider just WHY you are doing this care of your father, and you answer that ALL the reasons mentioned are why you are doing so.
The responder's point was that these are NOT valid reasons to continue caring for someone who isn't deserving nor owed your care.
I am certain you realize that many elders HAVE NO CHILDREN. They therefore are dependent on the help of the state for their support when they cannot function. That is the same help your father, if you move 1,000 miles away (I recommend that) can avail himself of.
Only you can make choices for your own life. I hope you will get support in doing so. Playing this forward generationally will harm your own family.
You can call APS , or local County Agency of Aging to get involved to help your father get the help he needs . You don’t have to be the one helping .
Forty years have gone by since mom and dad split. You and dad didn't see each other much. And now - wait for it - YOU are obligated to take care of him in his old age, including keeping him from being bored! If the tables were turned, would he be taking care of you? No.
You need to summon the courage to back out of this unfair deal. He'll find someone else to take care of him. Narcissists always do.
You deserve a life that doesn't revolve around this jerk. There's one out there, but you have to jettison him first. You can do it! Get started on that project right away. The light at the end of the tunnel is beckoning and bright.
Basically, you stepped in to help.
Slid down into the bog of neverending needs. You KNOW you are there now, being smothered.
So if you are struggling now, today, let's see if we can find some practical ways you can get yourself out. So you can breathe again.
What does your week look like?
What ADLs does your Father need help with?
List out the tasks then add who does it. Eg;
Shopping: Belle.
Cleaning: cleaning service
Transport: taxi
Wound dressing: nurse home visits
A good therapist will help you change your thoughts and behavior. That's what congitve behavior therapy is all about.
Hoping you will find the courage to walk away from this toxic situation.
If he is capable of caring for himself let him,. Do not fall into a trap. (I guess you are already there)
Are you POA for Health and Finances?
If not then let him arrange the care and help that he needs.
If you are POA rescind that. Send a letter to him and his attorney that you can not effectively carry out the duties of POA. You do not have to give reasons. (If this is effecting your Mental and or Physical health that is reason enough to back away.)
You are not responsible for caring for him.
Do not let him "guilt" you into thinking you are.
Now, if dad has dementia you can place him in Memory Care and then you can almost fully step back as his day to day care needs will be done by staff.
By the way if dad is a Veteran the VA may have some solutions for reducing the caregiving. Check with the local Veterans Assistance Commission and see what benefits he may be entitled to.
If you are POA it does not mean your at Dads beck and call or that you need to care for him. Its a financial tool. It gives you the ability to hire an aide. Hire a house cleaner. Pay someone to drive Dad where he needs to go, all with his money. There are lawyers who are POAs and believe me they are not caring for their clients.
I have been divorced from my ex for 43 years and our daughter is in her late 40s. He passed 2016 and I will tell u, she never would have cared for him because he was never her "Dad". He did nothing for her.
What do you do for your Dad? What are his health problems? You may just need to tell him you cannot do for him anymore for the reasons you list. Its effecting your job, homelife and marriage. And you are not giving any of that up for him. Your marriage trumps caring for him. The solution...if he has money, go into an Assisted living. If he wants to remain in his home, then he hires someone. If he is low income he can get help thru Medicaid. Either in-home help or be placed into Long-term care. You do not owe this man. Call your Office of Aging to evaluate his situation and offer resourses. If hevis bad off and stubborn, call APS and explain to them you cannot continue to care for him. He needs help and could the evaluate him. Let the State take over his care. Have ur POA revoked.
My mantra "I am here to help people find a way, not be the way"
So glad you called, he does need help. I’m not able to get his groceries for him any more. It would be great if you could take this on for him. I’ll go ahead and let him know you called and are concerned. He would love to talk with you. Maybe you could take him to lunch? He complains about being bored and I’m sure would love to see you. He’ll be so happy when I tell him you called, I’ll go ahead and share your number since I’m sure he would want to talk with you. It’s been nice talking to you. Thanks so much for jumping in to help out! Glad you called, bye now!
Let’s see if they call YOU any more!! On the positive side, what if it worked?! Rinse & repeat with each nosy caller.
You aren’t responsible for this man, don’t fix his life for him. You can say something like:
Oh, yes, I see how that’s a problem for you, what are you going to do about it? IDK either, but you have friends/doctors/neighbors I’m sure you will work it out.
Then change the subject before jumping in to solve the prob for him. “Did you watch the game last night?
Go fix your own life before this sucks your soul dry. :)
Good luck!