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I just need to vent, and hoping someone will understand, or has the same type of situation.


My mother is 96, and has been having health issues for quite awhile now. She recently had another hospital stay, and is home now, but requires constant care. My sister is her main caregiver, but I help out because my sister is in her 70's.


Here is the issue. I truly do not like my mother. She is a nasty, manipulative, demanding, selfish person, and always has been! She does nothing but scream at us if we don't do what she wants, when she wants it, and we never seem to do anything right! She was physically and emotionally abusive to me when I was growing up. She has mental issues, and she fakes many ailments to get attention. She treats my sister, her main caregiver, like trash and my sister just accepts it. I won't tolerate it, and if I speak up to my mother, my sister gets upset with me! I'm having some health issues of my own, and also have a daughter who has been ill for many years that I need to be there for. I am beyond stressed out with the pressures of it all, which makes my health condition worse due to high stress. My siblings, who live far away, also put pressure on me to help my sister more, while they get to live their lives!


I feel like a horrible person for resenting my mother, but I can't help it. She was never there for me, and emotionally and physically abused me when I was younger, and even though I went through therapy, I still cannot get past it. I look at her and feel disgusted. I dread going to take care of her, and I don't feel like giving up my life for someone who treated me so horribly. All I have is flashbacks of how I was treated as a child. I also can't stand my sister catering to her, and condoning her behavior. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you for listening!

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I have to ask, if your mother is so toxic to everyone, has mental and health issues and is abusive as well, why is she not in a facility? Any promises made at any time to not put her in a facility became null and void when she started abusing you when you became an adult. Document the off the wall behavior; the screaming and yelling, using the video feature on your phone or even purchasing a tape recorder. If she becomes physically abusive to you or is out of control when you’re caring for her, call 911.

Your sister is enabling her and making it worse for you. I would back out of the situation. Suggest if your sister needs help she should contact Medicare and sign on a Home Health Care aide because your health is suffering.
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Kenzi,
You say you have siblings who live far away. Well, THEY obviously aren't helping. I would ask each of them for a monetary amount equal to what a home health aide would cost to cover your part of the care. You already have your hands full with your health conditions and your sick daughter. Do NOT buy into any guilt put on you. Contribute financially, if you can.

Does your mother have dementia? If not, then you can't forcibly put her into a facility if she wouldn't want to go.

Your caregiver sister is coping by ignoring the verbal abuse and trying to keep the peace. That's her way of getting along. It's OK that YOU can't do that. Sis is able to live that way but don't feel bad that you can't. You shouldn't be taking care of someone that you find emotionally abusive. It wouldn't be good for you or your mother. It's OK not to love your "egg-donor" (it sounds like that's all she was). Not all mothers are worthy of the gift of love.

Speaking from experience, therapy is a great tool to learn about your situation and give suggestions for what you can do to change your situation. Sometimes it is impossible to change feelings imbedded in your emotions. "Forgive and forget" is practically impossible if the abuse is continuing.

Hire a caregiver to give your sister respite from her burden and live life without your mother.
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You need to sit down calmly with sister. Tell her you can no longer take care of Mom. That she is effecting your health and you need to be there for your daughter. That sister needs to get help in. If Mom has no money, try Medicaid to see if you can get some homecare. Office of Aging sometimes have aids. Tell sister you will help like getting groceries, doing laundry, etc. Tel, your siblings the next time they call, that if they are so concerned to give up some of their time and give sister a break.

Tell sister its time for a home.
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Kenzi your so hurt over your relationship with your mom. Your sister appears to be content with taking care of her. Let go now! Its Ok. Step back from the situation. You have unresolved issues from childhood along with resentment & pain. Your constantly being there trying to be helpful & gain acceptance is not working. You need to find love and support else where for now. Come around once or twice a week or call your sister to check on mom. You do not have to be a victim of their insensitivity towards you. You are your own person. You can decide what you will and will not accept from them. Let your mom miss seeing you and evaluate within herself what she is feeling about you. That's her issue not yours. You can't change how their treating you but you can stay away and get control over your feelings about them. You will feel better when you make the decision to distance yourself from them.
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Your feelings are perfectly understandable - your egg donor was your mother in name only. Tragic but true. 

I would try to form a good working relationship with your sister - what she wants to do is her choice, but explain your feelings honestly to her. Communication is crucial here and you can do so much to support each other just by being honest with one another. As to other sibs, if they want a say, they have to step up. Or shut up.
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Hey Kenzi... some of us get stuck with bio parents that aren't good for us. It's an awful situation to be in, for sure.

Can you get a social worker to act as the go-to for your mother's care, and then you don't have to be re-traumatized by trying to be her advocate while she needs care...?

That may be for the best. If there is money to pay for it, you could hire a geriatric case manager independent of social programs, too, if the sister ever gets tired of being mom's punching bag.
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Will your sister be on board with the possibility of residential care?
In my situation I did everything humanly possible to keep my mother home after she fell and broke her hip at the age of 89, gained about 50 pounds, developed a sleep disorder and severe depression and anxiety, only to find that she was far happier AND HEALTHIER, in residential care. Her 5 1/2 years in “her” nursing home were the best years of her prior 20 years alone in her own house.
IF your sister and you can agree, find out from your local Office of the Aging if you can have her tested for dementia.
If, as she might, she refuses an evaluation, trained geriatric specialists can actually determine useful information from the behavior they see.
Start a journal of her behavior when you are there. Try not to use emotionally charged language if you can. “Screaming” is a specific sound, so if she yells, swears, or talks in insults note that.
For yourself, consider her aberrant behavior as evidence, and as such, jot it down in your “behaviors journal” instead of reacting emotionally to it.
Whether you or your sister, NO CAREGIVER has “absorb abuse” as a requirement. Start thinking of a solution that will improve the lives of all THREE of you. Feel free to disregard comments from out of town sibs that don’t function as part of the solution you and your sister are working toward.
You are NOT alone.
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You have every right to step back from your abusive mother. And so does your sister. But she has to make that decision for herself.

I like the idea of getting together with this sister and being honest with her. Your mother needs to be placed in a facility. The heck with what the uninvolved sibs say.

You can only make choices for yourself. Don't continue to allow yourself to be abused because your sister has made that choice. With any luck, SHE will also walk away from your mother!
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Please consult a social worker who could try & find respite care so you'd get a break. Otherwise it's best you place her in a nursing home while you apply for medicaid, (cuz your life is important too).
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If your mother was NOT a real mother to you and made you suffer and you are being physically, emotionally, mentally abused - then you have one choice to make. STAY AWAY FROM HER COMPLETELY. She has no right to think she deserves your care and affection. She doesn't. And if your sister is in "cahoots" with her and abuses you too, for heaven's sake, stay clear of both of them. Take are of you and your own first - starting now. Check into Medicaid so she could be put somewhere where you assured of no contact. If your sister wants to care for her, let her do it.
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stay away from her. you don't owe her anything and neither does your sister. enjoy your life
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I am so sorry for your situation. I hope you might try with all your will to detach. Certainly detach from your sister. She has to make her own choices and you caring will only hurt your well being further. If your mother has been this abusive then she is clearly a mother in name only. Your life has worth. I hope you can claim that.
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Hello there. I’m glad you decided to vent! I’ve also been struggling for years with my mother. I have a very similar situation. I’ve been abused since I was 10 years old. She has never been there for me either. She divorced my dad and I immediately got put in the role of taking care of her as a spouse, mother and friend. It was like I never had a mother. It was never about my needs, dreams or future. She is manipulative, narcissistic, mean, critical, and a lier and faker. She also physically abused me in the early years. I have 2 sisters and we all learned different ways to cope with this over the years. I am the oldest. One of my sisters has gone the route of just being mean back to her and just talks to her once every 6 weeks. The other sister cut mom out of her life 10 years ago. The 2 sisters live in another state. They have never helped with mom. They have been free to live much better lives. Mom did move away for about 5 years to pursue her opera career. I finally felt somewhat free! But she called me ever week or when she needed something. So I dreaded every time she called. I got off the phone with her shaking and crying almost every time. If she was ever nice it was because she wanted something. She moved back to our town and my marriage almost fell apart. I’ve raised 4 kids through all this. It was extremely stressful with my mom here. She moved in with us for a year on 2 seperate occasions. We hoped she would make friends and make a life for herself. It never really happened. My kids are all grown now but I feel like I didn’t give them enough attention because they were forced to share it with my mother. My youngest said he was tired of every holiday, every decision for our family, large or small, had to revolve around her. We’ve been and still are walking on eggshells around her. Now that she really does need a lot of care, she told me-point blank “I need to move in with you so you can take care of me” “you know you’re not really good at anything, but you’re good at taking care of me” What a whopper! My husband and I think it’s best that she go into a care facility. I am dreading telling her this. I’ve been on one long constant guilt trip. I do forgive her for everything. I do love her and do not wish her harm. I just want to make the right decision. I’m sorry I didn’t have an answer to help with but I sure do know what you might be going through.
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bettina Feb 2019
Your husband's got it right. Hope you listen to him!! Your family has suffered long enough. Your mother made certain choices and you and your family have suffered as a result. Please say no more!!!
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Cinderella,
You know you must NOT take her into your home. Your first responsibility is to hubby. With your family grown, now is the time to retire and enjoy yourselves. That does NOT include being your mother’s servant and caregiver.
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Please don't get sucked into this. Your mother can receive appropriate care in a facility. If she wanted to have things work out differently she needed to have planned for this years ago. Now it's too late and a facility is the way to go.

If you choose to take on an active care giving role you can very likely lose your life
physically and mentally under the stress. She will not change and will use and abuse you, while complaining about you to all who will listen. (this is the pattern
we have all experienced with care giving abusive and/or narcissistic parents)
Many of us have suffered severe consequences as a result, our warnings to you
have come from a high personal cost with first hand experience.

These types of people do not change unless forced to do so alone. When others
are jumping through their ever higher and higher hoops, they remain in their abusive entitled behaviors. The care giver runs a real possibility of dying before the parent they have so loyally (and foolishly) cared for.
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The wicked live long, unfortunately 96!! This is the result of medication that keeps as going far past our use by date. I bet you thought you would be free of her by now and it’s our generation that is paying the bill. As I have said before super old age is great if you have decent health and the money to pay for it
it most definitely is not supposed to be this way. Your poor sister being in her seventies looking after this woman when she should well and truly doing her own thing
i agree. Time for full time care. Move her on. Document her behaviour and tell your siblings it’s put up or shut up time
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mally1 Feb 2019
"use by date" - I love it! Ain't it the truth?
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Hello everyone, and thank you so much for your responses.

My mother passed away a few months ago. I'm now trying to make peace with her death and the fact that I will never get the answers or the apology that I long for. I did stay by her side until the end and told her how I felt, even though she was incoherent, and I have no idea if she could even hear me.

I do not have much contact with my siblings now. My sister let me know that she resents me for not helping more, and that she "almost" decided to cut me out of her life for good. I reminded her that I have been caring for a sick child for many years, have a serious health issue of my own and trying to hold down a job. I do not think it matters what I say, but she did open up about many of her own emotional issues with our mother. Very sad to say the least. I'm happy that she is now living her own life happy and stress free...she truly deserves it!

I feel for those of you who are going through, or have went through this situation. It leaves very deep emotional scars. Sometimes there will never be any answers. I do not want to be bitter for the remainder of my life, so I'm working towards forgiveness. God Bless all of you and thank you again for your kindness and support.
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grandisle49 Feb 2019
Sorry for loss of your mother & what you went thru taking care of her, i know how hard it is taking care of an elder parent. God bless you & peace to you.
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I have a simple question to you? Why on earth are you allowing her to be with you forcing you to take care of her when she is so mean and abusive and evidently has been this way for her life with going back. Why on earth would you have even one tiny drop of guilt about this? You have health problems and a family of your own. Your responsibility is to take care of YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER. When someone, regardless of who they are or why they act as they do, is abusive, nasty, mean, etc., YOU OWE THEM N O T H I N G. I will never again until I take my last breath allow another human to do this to me. I learned too much, far too late - when people are evil and act accordingly, YOU GET THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE AT ONCE AND DON'T LOOK BACK. I am sorry you are dealing with this but you do NOT have to. Seek out agencies, an attorney, and other professionals who can help you . Talk to the local office on aging. It seems to me she needs to be removed and placed somewhere that she can be taken care of before she totally DESTROYS YOU. DO IT NOW.
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Kenzi22: I'm sorry, but I'm relieved for you. Thank you for the update.

You and your married family and blood family did all you could under terrible circumstances not of your doing. I hope you all can find peace. {hug}
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