My husband had a stroke last May and I had to quit my job to be with him. Now his mother needs care and my husband is the Agent for Financial and Healthcare for her. She fights us every step of the way. My husband has had me doing all of the work on his behalf. However, I can't care properly for 2 people. Hubby's doctor just informed him that he absolutely shouldn't be his mom's Guardian and that I absolutely can not be a CareGiver for two people. MIL has Dementia, early stages. Hubby is suspected to have early stages of Dementia from his stroke last year. I cannot mentally or physically do both. MIL lives in an apartment 20 minutes away.
Yes, it is EXTREMELY hard to care for 2 at the same time, but you can get assistance with both.
***be extremely cautious when you're told MIL can get help via the County or State. My step-sister was all for this until I said no!! To get this type of help....MIL will have to "pay down" all assets until she has an income of around $3.000 a month. IF she were to have a house, the County or State will place a lien on it AND THEY GET BACK ALL OF THE MONEY PAID OUT AFTER MIL DIES!!***
That, my friend is NOT my definition of assistance.
Medicare will provide assistance, if she has the proper coverage, $35 an hour, no more than 35 hrs a week. The person is 99% always a CNA. They will not be able to administer medications, only RNs, Practioners and Doctors can do that. You can have an RN come in to do that, but it is out of pocket. Do the due diligence on Medicare, people are surprised with what one is entitled, I know I was these last few months.
Please, do not get sucked in by these social workers who tell you, yes the County or State can help; MIL also has to qualify in many categories.
It takes time, but if you know how to use Google you can find help. Even a place for Mom is a scam. It really isn't any better than latching onto the State, County or the 1st in-home care agency who blows sunshine up your chimney.
Talk with your doctor, he/she should have access to many agencies that can come out, do the evaluations. The nice thing is you do not have to pick the 1st one. Just like any devastating illness, get a 2nd or 3rd opinion.
The POA thing...that's going to be a tough one.
I searched for paralegals who worked with an attorney. Paralegals are lawyers without a degree and just like nurses, know more than someone charging per hour only to find you can't do what you thought.
I have a wonderful paralegal doing all of the leg work for me, has access to an attorney without having to bill me for his time. Answers all of my questions and if she doesn't know the answer she has numerous people to help her. What's even better, a paralegal cannot charge by the how, so they provide "package" deals; mine includes the attorney to represent me when I have to go to Court either in June or July to make Mom a minor just like a child.
You're tired and overwhelmed, but please please research EVERYTHING you're being told.
FYI, step-sister was upset that daddy wasn't on house deed, so she's been draining Mom's accounts under the ruse of DPOA for daddy. She has a rude awaking coming her way....falls under Elder Abuse as well as fraud!! As soon as that ink dries on the Court docs, yeppers....
Hubby does talk with his mother each day which is a lifetime habit. He calls her every morning. They can have a conversation about the weather and be just fine which is what they normally do.
MIL has decided that I am a bad guy so I don't call her, I just go over when I'm asked to and take out garbage or run errands if she wants.
Until we get another guardian, we do have to deal with her.
Thank you so much.
When I was attending my DH and my Dad, i moved Dad onto the property. Even 3 miles away was putting a strain on me. Back then, my DH was in good condition so it was easier to help my father.
You are only one person and we just don't stretch that far.
MIL will have a public guardian who will look out for her interests. You can visit from time to time, but please don't wear yourself out. She made her choices.
Unlike Hubby's mom, we are very open with the kids.
I think that was the hardest ... yet best thing we ever did for our kids!
The county has some money allocated for this program,...so far we are trying to set things up.
MIL has stated that she will never move until she is dead. Ohhhkay.
I have had to cut back on time with MIL as I also run our farm and it is spring time.
I have set up an appointment to go back to the attorney who did handle the original paperwork. She will file guardianship papers for us through a third party.
MIL 'knows' there is nothing wrong with her and that she is just fine 'thank you so much!'
SIL sent us a letter of resignation and my husband will have to resign also.
MIL has requested to have a 'competency' test.
She has great days and terrible days, just like my husband.
My husband is a veteran with disabilities along with COPD, post cancer, and post stroke. His VA doctors feel he has lost a bit of capacity for cognitive thinking. This is the reason I cannot manage his mother and him at the same time.
I hate to say it, but MIL may have to come under that 3rd party Guardianship.
I am not looking forward to that conversation.
It seems that MIL will have to move into an assisted facility or nursing home. The problem will be how to get her there. Since you said that she fights you every step of the way I wouldn't count on her to be amenable to this solution. You can discuss it with her, hope that she sees the logic in it, but don't count on that. You may be in a situation where you'll have to wait until she has a fall or an illness and needs to go to the ER. Once in the ER you can summon a social worker and get the ball rolling for MIL to move into another place. If she won't go looking at places with you, go alone. Pick out something you think she'd like. But when the time comes, be ready with a destination for MIL.
While you didn't say, I'm assuming that you go over to MIL's on a regular basis to take care of things for her. You don't have to do that. Your energies are better spent caring for your husband. If MIL needs that much help she can hire caregivers. Offer to help her. But continue to cut back the time you spend assisting her.
Get in touch with the attorney who handled the guardianship. Find out what you and your husband have to do to have it revoked. Is there someone else willing to be MIL's guardian? Another sibling? But not you!