Caregiving doesn't end when Mom or Dad dies. Now, I get to take care of the Estate!

Mallory, I do not envy you at all in this position! I provided care for the folks for four years until the family situation became more than I cared to deal with any longer. One of the twisted sisters has Mom's POA's that are to pass to successor if she is not able to handle things responsibly. That second person is me. But, now I am done and kept out of the loop on anything related to Mom either health or financial wise. This is purely vindictive on ts part, but in a way I think that is ok, even though she is not handling things as responsibly as she should. I did my time!

But you, to have done the care and now taking care if the estate! And now the sibs that you would have appreciated help from, never heard them say "what can I do?", are now coming out of the woodwork, literally! WORMS!

I would put my phone on ignore, send them an email telling them this is a huge job and offer to report progress maybe monthly. The trust may require some sort of reporting anyway. Do what the trust tells you to do nothing more! If necessary send sibs and whoever else the portionof the trust if there is anything related to reporting requirements.

My sib has one heck of a mess! She has the position now needs to put together fifteen years of records. She just did not understand what her responsibilities were to my mom! Now she is overwhelmed! And if you don't mind me saying so, deservedly so!

Mallory, typically a Trust or Will will state that expenses of the last illness need to be paid before any distribution to heirs. Check your mother's to see if it also establishes that expenses of estate administration (which could include cleaning out the house) are also in that category. If so, just tell the other heirs that - there's no reason why they can't wait.

Keep detailed records of all the time you spend on the estate. It is my understanding that the executor is entitled to reimbursement through the probate.

Interesting. My will, on the other hand, instructs the executor to immediately give out $10,000 each to the major beneficiaries of my estate. Money comes in handy and no reason why it can't be done like that.

Mallory - the paperwork reproduces in the closet!
Everybody has their hands out just waiting for funds, now that is nothing but family fun time. At least you don't have to deal with MERP.

Have you opened probate? If so or if not, when you do get extra Letters Testamentary for every family member and with them send a short note (along with the LT) that states what the allowable time frame is for probate is in your state (put in your states administrative code reference on this just to keep the bs down) and that probate and settlement will happen within that timeframe. Put in something about mom in the note - like "we all miss her smile and the deviled eggs she was famous for".

These you send certified with return receipt (the green card) from USPO to every member of the family. Will run abt $ 7.00. Keep the receipt as this is an administrate cost of the estate - & you as executor get reimbursed for these costs (unless you are paying from an estate of account that has $). puts everbody on notice and equal.

Give hubby a big hug & whatever else too, he's a gem to be there and wading though paperwork with you.

How probate done depends on your states laws. TX is a level of claim state from class 1 to 9 and paid in the order of class and within 4 years. Not all states do this and many have it as a level claim state.

I have done a lot of things as POA with an eye on the future requirements of acting as executor. Selling off property, downsizing and the type of investments I have made should all help to minimize what I will need to do at a time when I probably will not feel up to dealing with any of it. I dread having to jump through all the bureaucratic hoops and will hopefully be able to delegate some of the responsibility to others, just because you are named executor doesn't mean you have to personally do it all, it just means you have to assure it gets done.

My husband's family is all messed up, my husband and I had/have always been close to his parents and lived near them in the Seattle area forever, and been there for any assistance nessasary. Husband's absent sister lives in San Francisco, and his absent brother is a drifter, an often hard to locate. While my MIL lay dying in hospital with End stage COPD, and Pneumonia, I was doing my best to visit her, notify the sinlings, and fielding their phone calls from them on her status. I had only just lost my own Father to a long standing illness, and my Mom was on Hospice care, living with my eldest sister, and I was doing all I could to help there, old down my job, and raising my kids. MIL'S daughter called, ann RN, called ME, to see if she should come to see her own Mother and if she is close to dying! I said I don't know, but she's your Mom, so get the hell up her, but she didn't, and MIL died the next day. My FIL and Husband and I are noe distraught, and Sil, showed up the very next day, not to help us with funeral arrangements or memorial service, no, she went to my in - laws apartment, pulled every piece of clothing, and MI's personal items out into the livingroom, and placed them into a huge pile on th floor, EVERYTHING! We were doing all the arrangements, with the FIL, and she ruffled through all of her belongings, and had the nerve to say she felt it would be a huge help to us here, if she took what she wanted, and then left the rest for all of us to then distribute to ourselves and our Kids, then to send the rest to the Goodwill. That was the extent of her help in any way shape or form! We were busy getting our house ready for the Wake, making the picture board's, arranging for food, and making the memorial pamphlets with her bio, and pix and prayers, and poems, to have printed up, and SIL was nowhere to be found. BIL, was notified, he showed up, and apparently the two of them hung out together while we took care of everything! We of course were on autopilot, and my own Sweet Mama was bed bound, dying of Cancer at my Sisters, and I barely saw her in those 3 days, it's just sickening! On the day of the funeral, there was a pre planned open casket viewing, and neither of her other two childhood could/would even go in to see her for the last time, which, OK, that is a personal decision, or even be there to greet, and chat with other visitors. We had to do that too. The funeral went ell, we rushed back to our house to make the cofee, , put out the refreshments and food, with help from my siblings, our kid's, and even my husband's ex-wife, her Mother and sister. Yes, we have an excellent relationship thank God! There was ABSOLUTELY ZERO HELP FROM EITHER OF MY HUSBAND'S TWO SIBLINGS from out of state. The event went well, thank God it was July, and we has nice weather, so it could be outside in our back yard, but when everyone else had gone, after so much help from Others, cleaning up and storing away food, finally sitting down for the first time in 3 days, my SIL & BIL, had the gall to ask my FIL, if there was going to be a READING OF THE WILL! WTF, we ha barely slept in 3 days, and they are sitting there waiting to hear if they are going to receive anything from their Mother's estate!? Well no, FIL hadn't even thought of that, as he was her sole beneficiary, and until he passes, then their estate will be distributed. They truly though that they would be receiving big chunks of money and jewelry and such! I nearly fell of my chair. I looked at them and said, Get the F out of my House you Fing in grateful A**h*les! The Sad part is that my MIL, was such a sweetheart, who was always there for her kid's, who had been taken advantage of, so many times by these two, bailing them out financially and she never got any Love or Respect from either of them. Not even in the end or after. They contributed Nothing to the memorial, said no words, or helped their grieving Father in any way, not a meal, not a penny, and both just sat back and watched us do everything. I'll never forget or forgive them for doing this to him, and then in the aftermath, we then, exhausted, had to gather our grieving kids, go to their Grandpa's apartment, to sort out and donate all their Grandmother's personals, to donate what they themselves did not wish to receive. Nobody could even think at this point. SIL explained to her Father, that she thought that this was her way to help, that dumping her diseased Mother's things into the livingroom would help him to get this task done quickly, and would be less painful for him, and to help him to get on with his life. She actually had him convinced it ould, in his grief, sadness and confusion! BIL & SIL left to go back to their respective homes immediately, and I've only seen them 3-5 times since. My FIL immediately moved in to our house and has been living here for 11 years now. My Mom passed away 6 weeks later. I never received a call or card from either of them, not even a thank you for doing all the arrangements for their own Mom's memorial, they had zero compassion that my Mom was dying during this time, or any appreciation what so ever. Their Dad was diagnosed with Mantel Cell Lymphoma, tow months after he moved in with us, a whole nother story, but no phone calls, no checking up on their Dad through 13 months of Chemotherapy, nothing, and NO help ever since. Their Father id failing Healthwise and only in the past 3 or so months have they been calling, like Vultures circling, Gee I wonder why? They will be surprised whe we READ THE WILL, as only minimal monies have been left to them, very minimal. We have now had offers of help and respite fron the brother, but he will never step foot in my home, ever! Nor she! They are garbage to be sent to the dump, just like they did to both there parents. FIL is now 85, and all his legal documents are confirmed, Will, Trust, POA, Living Will, and DNR, and POD for his Life insurance.
His burial and all are prepaid, so we are quite prepared for the aftermath with these two. God, I haven't ever gotten this daid, written or off my chest like this before, thanks for listening! STACEY B

Today I decided to use her old towels & linens to pack up breakable items. I have set up row of shelving in my own garage, and putting all the items for estate/garage sale in there. Family can come shop there, the day before general public. Mom's cleaning lady is going to help clean after I get the papers with mom's names/account numbers out of there (mom stuffed bills invoices and Financial statements in just about every room of her 3,600 sf home). I will definitely hire someone to wash windows. Hubby is not afraid of heights so he can do brighter light bulbs everywhere (real estate trick!). Sofa & loveseat was 40 years old... not even Salvation Army would take it, but a neighborhood college student was very glad to get it. I am here again today with a plumber to fix a drain and toilet, and replace kitchen faucet. Tomorrow is a new garage door. YES I am keeping a running tab of my own time. Just wish the Will and Trust actually stated it in neon lights that the Executor would be paid 2x the minimum wage or some such figure. My regular wages is about 4 the minimum wage actually.

Sorry for the typos, it's difficult to do that on my little tablet, but I am sure you can figure them out, lol SB

Stacy -the typo "sinlings" instead of siblings is just wonderful, roflmao!

Mallory - you may want give thought as to how to limit "advance family shopping" day. There always seems to be one who brings their worthless kids or its the in-law who comes & take all they can cart or carry & borrows a van to do so....

Igloo-- oh gosh, that is so true, I better make sure only my 4 siblings come and not their spouses kids and step kids (even though mom adored them all, at least their photographs since they were always too busy or too cheap to visit in person....). And according to my lawyer, who has been wonderful BTW, the items not designated for a certain person, must be PURCHASED, not just given. So I have to get it all appraised, even if it's a set of kitchen dishes or Le Creuset, it all has a price on it, and they either pay cash to the estate now or they will have the cost of items deducted from their estate distribution.
Maggie Marshall has an interesting idea with what her own will says, the immediate distribution of $10,000 to each of the major beneficiaries. It's great you can foresee having the funds available to do that. My mom's situation had all the looks of stretching out another 7-10 years and I was extremely worried she would outlive her assets, which is where most people arrive, sometime before Ave 80 or 90. My mom's 5 kids will now be getting well under $100k, depending on how much the house sells for and all other bills that come from hospital and rehab center. Also taxes! And lawyer bills, accountant, and perhaps I will charge 2 or 3 percent as an Executor fee, I'm not sure, how much does an Executor charge? In my state there MAY be an Executor fee, even if the Will tries to say none can be paid, it is a state law. Mom's will doesn't say anything about it, yeah or nay. It just refers to "expenses of administration." Maybe that includes Executor ' s time too.

Mallory, I can really sympathize with you. My mother was a collector among collectors...a "tidy hoarder" you might say. She has been gone for 7 years, but my father would not give anything in the house to any family member (only ladies from church and other "friends") My father has been in NH only 3 months. I have started on parceling out things, but the amount of 'things' is daunting. Everyone says "put that stuff on ebay".....taking pictures of and listing 400 pieces of porcelain plates and nick nacks could take eons!

In a perfect world, elders would buy a rubbermaid tub for each child or grand child. Write their name on it and take a week and fill it with tools, antiques, albums, momentos, linens, art, pottery, glassware, any thing that is not currently used in daily living, gathers dust or could be of good use and sentiment to others!!!!!

You have been given some great ideas here!! How about you give each sibling an IOU or credit voucher for $2500. They can spend it on items from the house. If they spend more, they can give you the executor the IOU for deduction from their future share. Then they can stop squacking and you will be the hero because they can finally feel like they have gotten something. You can sleep at night because it is fair. I have also heard of instances that if 2 siblings want the same thing, they put their names in the hat and go at it with other games of chance...family poker night, etc.

mincemeat, LOL, it's very easy for someone to say the words "Just put it all on eBay"......but that only takes 3 seconds to say that. I used to sell on eBay!! and it was a LOT of work, a LOT of time, and even after a sale, there could be customer service emails needing to be answered....not at all a "3 second solution" which is all the siblings care to do. It took me at least an hour to prepare items for sale on eBay, and another hour to pack for shipping and drop off or arrange for pick up. 2 hours of my time, $45, and I'm not going to do that with 500 items at my mom's house, just to "make money" for the estate.....
MUCH easier to hire someone to conduct an estate sale, even if it is small, one day affair. They can set it up in my garage, and if they want to take their 30 percent commission, that is FINE with me.

Mallory, you are doing a great job and problem solving really well. You and your mom have my admiration, and I hope you are feeling encouraged. One other resource to consider is one called Freecycle where you can advertise more stuff like the sofa and loveseat instead of having to haul it off somehwere...hugs!

Vstefans, Thank you, I appreciate the kindness (especially now.....) . I will check out the freed cycle system. There will be plenty of things that won't sell I'm sure, and I certainly don't have room to store them.

We fortunately went through my Mom's things while she was still living before the transfer to the nursing home.

My sister is executor and my Mom stated in her will that her estate should be divided equally among her children. Since I was POA while she was alive I know how much money there is so my sister can't pull a fast one. Not that I think she would. But with my family no one is hoping are expecting much monetarily cause there wasn't much there anyways.

I was extremely fortunate that my parents divided their valuables, collectibles over time to us all. They sold and moved from the big house we all grew up in after my Dad retired, as it was too much for them to continue to manage, they then moved to an apartment, so all that was downsized, they bought an RV, and were lucky enough to travel for ten or so year's, then they downsized again to go and live in one of my sisters attached MIL apartments, so we divided more of their thing's, they were declining at this point, but were able to go with each of us (6) kid's on car trips, then my Dad died in hospital of disease related Pneumonia, and my Mom had been diagnosed and was going through Cancer treatment, and at this time she moved into my eldest sisters home. We then cleared out their MIL apartment. It was a lot of moving, but not too bad, but at least the folk's were there to see that it went smoothly and fairly. The after distribution was done by my two brothers, both money guys, and my Mom who died in early September had indicated to them that she wished that we all receive our inheritance for that Christmas, and that's just what they did. All tied up in a nice bow! In the New Year, there was a few thousand dollars from her tax return, which My Mom had wanted for us all to use that money to take a nice little trip together with all our spouses, so we were able to do just that and we took a cruise from Seattle to Los Angeles, then flew home. It was their final thank you to us all for taking such good care of them both to the end. It worked out extremely well for our family. We were close before, and we are even closer now.

You are very fortunate, Stacy! Seldom does it work so well. Your parents raised you well!

Glad, thanks, I do indeed know, and appreciate it beyond measure. I had the very best, and feel so bad for people who are struggling so! Don't get me wrong, both my parents suffered so much throughout their life ending ilnesses, but the love and strength of our family, and of course the fact that there were 6 of us plus our kid's, and most of them were over 18 at the time who pitched in a huge amount also, made our plight so much more bearable! To the people who are struggling alone, or with disagreeing and or absent siblings, well my heart aches for them! Between my husband and I, we have lost 3 of our parents, and hubby's Father has lived with us 11 long years. Now I am facing the other side of the coin.Yes all of the moving and ddownsizing is for the most part done, unless FIL does someday end up in Nursing facility, but we face the absent and uncaring sibling situation with my husband's sister and brother, but because this is our 4th time up to bat, and because my marriage is so very solid, and that our life and our own children are now in their low 30's and all close by and very self sufficient I have faith that together we can get through anything, and of course I still have my sibling support which is a great comfort. Our issues now, are that as the old man is declining and frail, we too are getting older and each have our own health issues. My husband's sibling's are stirring up trouble, and I feel the rumbling under the ground. So it is now the stress factor, and I'm no good with stress anymore! Life is full of twists and turns, and we can only try to have a healthy outlook, but boy, there are days!

I haven't been through settling an estate yet but we went through moving dad and shredding papers, estate sale and selling house right after he moved. So I know what a job you are dealing with. I'm sorry your siblings are not helping at all and just have their hands out. My 3 sisters and I each had jobs and none of us lived in dad's home state. So we traveled to do it all. I hope all goes well and you get your just share from all your hard work. Anyone will tell you settling an estate can take lots of months and sometimes years depending. My best wishes towards your efforts.

I feel for you. My mom passed in May. One of my sisters and I were mom's main caregivers for the past 4 years. My brother was the sole heir to her estate and was set up as the executor. Well since he lived out of town and was only here for a few days past her funeral and wanted the house cleared before he left town. I always thought we'd have time to go through her things but were rushed. Pack and cry, pack and cry. He pulled all the expensive stuff from the house and told us if we wanted anything else to get it out and donate the rest. Well the probate was just completed after 3 months. We rushed to deal with it for the house to sit for 3 months. I say plan, plan and plan some more. I didn't enjoy the way mom's estate was handled but it was not my choice. You have control of this. Take your time to do what you feel is right and the rest of the family have no choice but to be patient. Hang in there.

Well, isn't it just so true that "every family has one"? That "one" being at least one sibling with their hand out demanding "their" money even though they were never around for anything else much less to help. Same thing happened here.I took care of MIL and husband is the executor of her estate, druggie sister in California whom we don't hear from for decades at a time wants to know on a weekly basis "Where's my money?". Of course there was no contact from her to her mother either for years and years and years but by damn she WILL have HER money and why is it taking so long and did we just lie to her and blah blah blah and so on and so forth. My husband, after trying to explain to her the process of probate and the paperwork involved in getting the annuities honored and the house sold etc., finally gave the attorney info and told her to call them.....well since they told her any time she called they would bill HER for the time and not us, and that since they would be sending her the money from moms estate when all bills were paid, they would deduct from her check any monies owed them from phone calls..... Well guess what? The phone calls have stopped! Perhaps the best way to deal with all those people with their hands out is to refer them to your attorney and let them pay for the answers they are looking for. As a side note, it seems that this is the narrative of most families, someone does ALL the work and everyone else just wants the "reward". We see too often here that there is a primary caregiver who does everything up to and including the final wishes of their loved ones while the "peanut gallery" lurks in the background doing nothing but perhaps criticizing and saying how they "think" things ought to be done all the while not lifting a finger to even help with anything.
There, I've said my piece. We are not yet done with moms estate settlement and it has been 10 months since her passing, looks to be a at least another month before it is all said and done. Anyone not having hands on experience with these things really doesn't have a clue what it takes. With all the problems we have had to go through with moms estate my husband and I are redoing our wills and are having a sit down face to face conversation with our children in the hopes to avoid these problems for them.

Doodlebug, I like your characterization of the "peanut gallery". Good choice of words!

GardenArtist,
Thank you, it seemed apropo.

An excellent example of why everyone needs to plan ahead, document, go slowly. The hurry up, pack and cry, pack and cry is a common scenario that takes much time to recover from. It can overshadow the grief of losing a loved one and turn it into a traumatic, stressful, and family dividing issue.
There has got to be a better way. Today, I am going to consider my loved ones by shedding stuff they don't need to deal with after I'm gone.

well today's challenge is trying to find an estate appraiser.....they all seem to charge as much, or more, than a lawyer! and I'm not entirely clear on WHY the household contents need to be an appraisal? apparently there is something with the IRS? but if the house & its contents were listed as belonging to mom's Trust, then why does it need to be appraised? can't I just have a glorified garage sale (also known as an Estate Sale)?

Have you tried calling and auctioneer or auction company? That is who did ours, he was certified for our state and was very reasonable.

well, the lawyer (who seems to go by the book, which I suppose is a good thing?) said that the entire contents of the house--furniture, kitchen stuff, china/crystal/silver, and any jewelry that didn't have someone's name on it, all of that had to be appraised according to the IRS. But I have tried searching the IRS various instructions & forms, and not finding the reason why I would need to do that. And anyhow, if the contents of her house is specifically mentioned in her Trust paperwork, to be divided amongst the 5 kids, then why would I have to have it all appraised (at a cost of probably a few thousand dollars)?
My conundrum is if I call the lawyer back, they will charge a few hundred bucks just to answer the question.....if I have an appraiser come out just to give a ballpark figure (verbal) that will also cost a few hundred (and nothing in writing).
So I figure it should be OK to just have an Estate Sale, and when the auction or sale person puts a price on everything, I figure they are fairly educated on what things sell for, in our city, and that should be good enough. There are a couple mid-century bedroom sets which seem to be sought after, and some silver dishes, but I have read that the silverplate is really worthless. Why would anyone "appraise" the stuff that is worth less than, say $50 or even $100?