Caregiving, COVID, and my relationship starting to fall apart as a result of both. Could do a rehab stint right now for pop's PT...Thoughts?
Hello all,
The newest update in my chaotic lifestyle as a caregiver is that now, a magic ingredient has been sprinkled in called "romantic relationship decline". My boyfriend is getting his usual round of winter seasonal depression, this time flavored by my unavailability because my mother who recently returned home and my grandfather got COVID back to back. We haven't had any aides since December 22nd. My mom tested positive on Christmas. The shortage of home tests and appointments caused further delay, as I wasn't able to test my grandfather until the Thursday after xmas.
AND OF COURSE HE IS POSITIVE
So the quarantine continued and we won't have our first aides until the 12th. Pop had to go to the hospital this Friday that just passed because his sundowning was completely out of control (swinging at people), and then the night before, he had a vasovagal episode as I had never seen before----I thought for a moment that he had a ministroke/TIA. I cleaned up vomit, pee, feces, and blood all in one night. And then the sundowning...17 hours of aggression, rudeness, anger, bitterness, and pacing and swinging so he fell twice.
I already have an appointment with a lawyer to consult about my options, because taking care of him at home is getting out of hand. My mother has stepped up, gotten sober, and is now helping, but she is still fragile and not able to cope with the intensity---she knew he became demented, but had no idea how intense it would be. So she just has frustration fits and crying spells. They had a very bipolar relationship with each other, and so I understand how being someone's child comes with closer attachments and drama than being one's grandchild.
He is in the hospital for a severe UTI, and possibly his prostate blocking catheters and emitting seminal fluid into his catheter line. One day the bag looked like it was full of egg drop soup. Naturally, I was horrified by this realization that I was now cleaning up seminal fluid probably. His body is a mess. He has a cancer appointment coming up to check for remission, but now the prostate thing is a mess. Anyway, the PT at the hospital wants to send him to rehab for a small stay, because his mobility has gotten worse since he got COVID, and his PT home service isn't available right now because of COVID.
SO all of this is starting to destroy my relationship. I'm sure my boyfriend feels sidelined, and I don't blame him. We had a wonderful vacation while my pop was in respite care, and now its right back to my absence and hell. He watches me have to be patient with people who have treated me like s***, and I can tell he's getting jealous and bitter. I managed to upset him with a text message about how I was upset and had a day full of grief, and I was bummed that it felt like he wouldn't have reached out first, even knowing I'm free right now while Pop is hospitalized. And now he is stonewalling me. He is seasonal depression-prone and shy so this is within his character, but INSANELY painful for me. I had to counter it with the "I'll give you space and check-in Tuesday, so that I don't spiral from a lack of control/being ignored, after begging him to tell me what is going on. His behavior sucks but I sort of don't blame him.
So do I send him to rehab, semi-selfishly? I know people with dementia get derailed by rehab, but my life is completely getting jacked up from this, and I need a minute to think. I wouldn't have him stay past ten days. What do I do? Why does dementia have to be this brutal? Wish he planned for his own care more with long-term care insurance. UGH.
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2. Sometimes the closer the relationship (your mom to your grandfather, spouses to one another), the worse it is to be a caregiver or the one to make decisions. You're detached just enough to be a better choice for that task.
3. Consider dating mentally healthy people. You're worth it, and you aren't required to juggle everyone's fragile emotions all the time.
Take the rehab and let the professionals decide when he is ready to leave or go into LTC.
If you are in fact living in Pop's home, he has more power to set the rules.
What is happening in your relationship would happen in many a relationship, seasonal depression or not. The dating prospects for live-in caregivers isn't great, and declines with how intensive the 24/7 is getting.
I do not live there, but my mom does, and she has been a legal resident for a pretty long time, which is great for the eventual Medicaid application.
And I agree about the relationship stuff, its just brutal on the other person, and he has a pretty solid case that my family has been pretty crappy to me. We aren't married but practically, it's a 6-year relationship thus far. I also have mental health diagnoses, but I am properly medicated and have put in the work for stability. I just had a really sad day with having a moment to breathe and getting grief smacked from my pop's decline (he was my closest relative and the one who never treated me like s***, and now he can be awful with dementia), as we as a hit from the universe finally having a moment to grieve an ex that died recently (god what complicated feelings).
Do you think rehab is s***** of me to take advantage of, especially while his home PT also has covid, and I haven't had aides for relief since December 22nd? Be honest lol
Your dad needs you healthy and able to supervise his care. There's a lot of work in being POA; organizing his care and finances and advocating for his best situation is time-consuming.
I believe that one person can't be the 24/7 caregiver for a close relative with dementia. I tried to do it and ended up crying in the emergency room after my stepmother fell in her nightly wandering for the third time. They told me to keep a neck brace on her all the time and I said that I couldn't keep clothes on her or get her to the toilet in time. Fortunately her doctor had already filled out the form that my state requires before a person can be put into a nursing home by a POA.
When my father was ill, my five-year live in relationship didn't survive the stress. If your partner agrees, look for online couples therapy. Your relationship still may end but there's a chance it may continue if that's what you really want.
Respite care for yourself or at least step away from the drama. It's too much.
You and your boyfriend need a break from each other. If possible, re-evaulate your relationship and examine the expectations. No rush, just mull it over.
Grieve as you need to. Which is easier without all the distractions you have described.
I would suggest therapy for yourself, if you're not in it already.
Get all the POA paperwork together, make sure it's all up to date.
Review your finances-just to make sure you know how your money flow is going.
This is all basic self care. Don't have to do it all at once.
Say yes to the rehab. While he is there have him evaluated for 24/7 care. If its felt he needs it, tell them he needs to be transferred to the LTC side if in the same building. That you cannot care for him because u already care for Mom and he is too much for you. If he has any money, use it for his care and apply for Medicaid about 3 months before its gone. If not, then u need to apply for Medicaid now. If LTC is not available at rehab, then you need to find one (maybe they will help). If you find one he can transfer to then you talk to them about Medicaid. Make sure they except medicaid. Maybe u will luck out that there's another rehab with LTC.
In this instance not having POA, may be a plus. You refuse to take him home and the State takes over his care. If you have POA, you can still refuse but need to make other arrangements unless willing to revoke POA and again, allow State to take over his care.
he needs the professionals that will be there to help through what is currently going on and if it’s available to you, it’s available for good reason in that it’s needed as part of his care