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Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I feel same. Drove up last week ago (2+ hrs each way) purged for 6 hrs with my Sister, took Mom to grocery store. Was wiped out ..drove home. Haven't been back since bc of work demands, and it is met with attempts at guilty me (continuously) "I have nothing to do...absolutely nothing." (Mind you, she is Borderline & NPD) I make suggestions & everything is met with a "NOOOOO!" So draining. Where is the desire to be independent..to age gracefully..to support that your Kids & G-Kids deserve to have experiences/lives that won't include you..?? We should all be planning to be as independent as possible. Visit with neighbors, go on a walk.. take up a hobby. Elderly should be a cheerleader, excited to hear great news re: family. Read an article how some elderly relish being independent & self soothing. Others feel it is on everyone else to cater for them. Fave hobby is playing the tiny "poor me" violin. Wild disparity between these styles/philosophies of aging & of living. I say visit when you can muster up some desire to visit. But put space between. Saw this inspirational quote other day.. "You can't save someone who is not willing to participate in their own rescue."
You have nothing to feel guilty about. They are the ones who should feel guilty because of their abusive behavior.
Ironic how the people who should feel guilt or remorse never feel any. That is because they are defective and have always been that way. They are not capable of love or caring and most times just pretend to be normal.
Visit them as much or as little as you like. Whatever option keeps you sane.
Only you can decide to stop feeling guilty about how little you actually want to be around them.
It's ironic, the whole thing! I agree with your comments very much so. And I think you hit it on the nail...your last sentence. Due to conditioned and cultural thinking/beliefs that inner voice (her voice) keeps saying,,,"you should visit your elderly parents, you should be taking care of us, you should obey us, you owe us now after all we did for you" . Yes,only I can decide to stop this guilt! Thanks!
Of course you feel guilty, because abusive parents are MASTERS at creating guilt in children. How about changing out the G work from guilt (which belongs to evil doers and felons) to "GRIEF" which belongs to those who witness their elders failing, who will never receive from them the one thing they needed all their lives which is "Thanks. You are such a good kid. I love you". Seek a therapist for help. Professionals, whether MD or Lawyer or Accountant or Therapist have their place in this world and this is one of them. With good therapy you will come to inner peace and acceptance that your parents were and are and always will be very flawed folks. You have two choices for family. The one you are born to and the one you make yourself. You are down to that last one. Heal yourself, so you can make it good and stop the legacy of inadequacy now. I wish you the very best. I know the path that is KNOWN, even when it is habitual and dark, the the path easiest to stay on. When you begin to make changes for yourself give yourself a huge pat on the back because it takes enormous courage. Your parents have had their lives. This is your one and only time for you. Make it as good as you are able to make it.
Generally, topics posted under the heading of "Elder Abuse" will be about situations where posters are concerned that their elders are vulnerable to abuse.
Your issue seems to be the other way up. What are your parents' needs, what do you feel is expected of you, and what would you like to do about any mismatch between that and what you're comfortably able to do?
Their needs are that their children are meant to 'give them company'. Ideally I would and have done in the past. But I have awoken to their toxicity big time. When I saw more of them I too behaved poorly in many ways...couldnt see it then. I CAN NOW and oh my oh my have I shed some tears about that and dished out apologies to my own children for it. Seeing it, and fortunately stopping a repeated cycle of blame shifting/gaslighting etc is like a miracle. It now means I squirm internally when I am in their presence and recognise their abuse. Of course I have tried to talk totem but its no use AT ALL they get even more defensive and more abusive. My last visit lasted 2/3mins after my mums commented on my poor physical appearance. (It can be anything thou...why hasn't my son found a proper job, why dont you eat the cake I MADE ESPECIALLY FOR YOU, press my feet I'm in so much pain...etc etc) No isn't a word they like at all. I would like accountability for when they say and do mean things. What happens is they say and do mean things I put up a boundary, they discredit it, I walk out (calmly and politely now and say I love you) and they tell me how selfish I am for walking out, I then dont want to visit anymore, over period of time feel so guilty and goo over for the same thing to get repeated. "No contact" is popping onto my head more and more these days and that is why I found this site.
I agree. I am low contact and try to use gray rock but it is not always easy. Mother keeps trying to bully guilt me to move to where they live. Never mind that I have a family, job, life where I am at. I also have health issues which means keeping up with my stuff is hard enough. I have told them no so many times and made suggestions on what they can do to get some help put of course they do nothing and prefer the disaster plan. This makes me very angry as they think when the time comes they can bully me into being their plan. I am starting to pull away more and more as I am just sick of it all.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Ironic how the people who should feel guilt or remorse never feel any. That is because they are defective and have always been that way. They are not capable of love or caring and most times just pretend to be normal.
Visit them as much or as little as you like. Whatever option keeps you sane.
Only you can decide to stop feeling guilty about how little you actually want to be around them.
Seek a therapist for help. Professionals, whether MD or Lawyer or Accountant or Therapist have their place in this world and this is one of them.
With good therapy you will come to inner peace and acceptance that your parents were and are and always will be very flawed folks. You have two choices for family. The one you are born to and the one you make yourself. You are down to that last one. Heal yourself, so you can make it good and stop the legacy of inadequacy now.
I wish you the very best. I know the path that is KNOWN, even when it is habitual and dark, the the path easiest to stay on. When you begin to make changes for yourself give yourself a huge pat on the back because it takes enormous courage. Your parents have had their lives. This is your one and only time for you. Make it as good as you are able to make it.
Visit if you must, but only until your tolerance level is reached then get up and walk out.
Your issue seems to be the other way up. What are your parents' needs, what do you feel is expected of you, and what would you like to do about any mismatch between that and what you're comfortably able to do?
I would like accountability for when they say and do mean things. What happens is they say and do mean things I put up a boundary, they discredit it, I walk out (calmly and politely now and say I love you) and they tell me how selfish I am for walking out, I then dont want to visit anymore, over period of time feel so guilty and goo over for the same thing to get repeated. "No contact" is popping onto my head more and more these days and that is why I found this site.