My sister is the live in caregiver for my 85-year-old mom and refuses to communicate with me. Can my sister keep me from my mom?

Well what's her big problem? Is this an on going thing between the two of you? Can you bring in a family friend or someone that your sister WILL let in, to mediate?

No she can't. Your a grown up, not a kid that "isn't allowed to". Of course you can see your own Mom. How can she possibly be stopping you. Just go &see her. If you have to go as far as to take a police escort to her home, or where ever she is. I'd be damned if I would let ANYONE tell me I couldn't see my own mother. GOOD LUCK!!!!

No she can't. If needed, talk to a lawyer. Or have a welfare check done on your mother to see what is really going on. Or both, talk to a lawyer and have the check done. Our local senior center has a free lawyer come in once a month to give individual advice. Maybe you could do that if $ is a problem. But no she can't stop you from seeing her.

Is it possible your sister resents the fact that she's the one taking care of your mom and not you? Could that be the reason she appears to be retaliating against you by not allowing you to see her?

Who owns the house? Does your sister or your mother? My mother lives down the road from me. We moved my parents to live near us because my parents were no longer able to care for their home or themselves. Dad now in a nursing home. Anyway, my narcissistic, money grubbing sister has done nothing, not one thing to participate in their care. And when I had a break down from exhaustion, I asked for help from both siblings. They both said no, they had no time and no interest.Taking care of two elderly people is extremely difficult. I agreed to take my parents to live closer to me becasue I thought my siblings would help, even now and then. Nothing. I get NO help in anyway. I am responsible for their well being, their health, their finances, their housing, all the doctor appointments (they don't drive), meds, haircuts, groceries and more. I have my own family, raising teenagers and a business to run. Sooooo...back to your question. If my mother lived with me, I would not allow my selfish sister in my home. If she wanted to see my mother, I would drive my mother somewhere and they could visit OUTSIDE of my home. So it's not that I wouldn't allow my sister to see my mother, just not in my home. Sorry I sound so angry, but I am.

I wish you would fill me in on your story. it's always good to hear things from the other side of the story.

Good luck. -SS

What is her side of the story? People don't usually get all weird overnight. There has to have been an event(s) in the past that has caused this riff. I myself get a little "funny" when my brothers come to visit (once in a blue moon-or a purple moon for that matter). I think in my head how nice it must be to not have this ball and chain around their ankles and how they can just come in and say wow, mom looks great, great job sis, looks like you are handling things just fine...and so on. Then they get in their car, wave bye bye and go on vacations or even to the beach for the day with their families without the concern of caring for an elderly parent. They have jobs, with an income (income, what's that?). They actually get to sleep through the night. Offer to take your mother for 6 months and see how the relationship may change.

I have an extreme amount of resentment for family not helping with my parents. I'd probably be uncooperative about visits as well if my sister was interested. But, I haven't had to worry about that in years. Maybe your sister would just like a little help? Its tough to feel overwhelmed and put-upon, and disgusted and sick and tired... and then have your freshly showered sister drop in for tea and then leave the cup for you to wash. Maybe you could ask your sister what she needs and tell her what you're able to do, and maybe even tell her that you appreciate what she does. My brother pops in at my parents' house every so often and does yard work. He can't help me during the week, but the sight of trimmed trees, raked leaves and mowed grass makes me smile sometimes on a Monday. This past weekend, he did a pharmacy run for my mother so I didn't have to. I almost cried with gratitude. Maybe I've got your story all wrong, and my apologies if I do. I'm looking through my own warped lenses!

Speaking from my experience, I have one sister who verbally & physically assaulted me without cause in the home my 95-year-old Dad & I share, then on her next visit 6 weeks later barged into a closed room where I was talking with Dad. When I backed up to move her through the door to close it for fear of another assaulted again, then called 911 for help, she had me arrested for harassment. They issued an Order of Protection as part of the process, and I'm slowly navigating through the court process to clear myself. I hope to eventually see her charged with perjury because of FALSE, unnecessary statements she swore to in her statement.

One of the lies she swore to is that I'm telling terrible lies about the family in my efforts to turn Dad against the family. This is the result of her son stealing $8,000 from his grandfather's locked metal box when he was a young teen/pre-teen, and finding instances of fraudulent activity committed by another sibling, one to whom she has a lifetime closeness, when that sibling held my Dad's POA. I now have fiduciary responsibility to Dad. That angers these two female siblings - the youngest in the family.

I have been here as sole/primary caregiver for almost two years now. Dad transferred the house to all seven of us years ago, so he is the "owner" with lifetime use, and our names are on the deed. Mom passed away about 16 months ago, with all her later days spent in this home and in my care.

Anyway, the Order of Protection necessitates my efforts to keep the first sister from visiting Dad here because I also live here. There have been efforts to get me out of the house, but they were unsuccessful as were the efforts to show Dad is not safe in my care.

Dad is still mobile, and is able to visit elsewhere with her. She insists on in home visits or she won't visit from out-of-state. Her expectation is to have maximum visitation time with Dad behind closed doors, time in which she has already coerced him to fill out a POA Revocation the day she had me arrested for harassment. He had no intention of executing it, admitting he filled it out to "calm her down". BTW, the night she assaulted me in my home, she had admitted her son's theft from Dad just hours before.

Sorry for the length of this. I write to indicate to others the severity of some situations where one sibling carries the responsibility for care (willingly), while others have the time & energy to critique yet fail to support or help.

Please consider what you may have done or are doing (or not) to aggravate the situation. Without more content, it is a challenge to understand the situation. It sounds like there is need for family mediation, with references possible through Office of the Aging in your area.

I agree with mommag (Marge) - Why would you sister be acting like this.....could it be that since she is full time care giver, possibly works full time, has her own children and grandchildren she might like to spend more time with, but can't - because she's in charge of Mom's care, appointments and making arrangements for her to stay somewhere since her siblings won't pitch in and help. I know the feeling also - because I care for my 90 year old mother with advanced dementia. Still work full time and Mom goes to adult day care during the day. My husband tag team picking her up and dropping her off. My sister visits at her convenience and my brother never takes the time to visit. Both of them are retired, but are too busy and they both live within a hour to visit. Just a look from the other prespective. I'm sure if my Mom had any money (which she does not) things would be different, but that isn't the case.

If your sister has a durable power of attorney for your mom, she is allowed to decide who your mom sees, but if she is a good care giver she would at least give your mom the decision on who she wants to see. We have durable power of attorney for my hubby's grandfather, but we would never say he could not see someone he wanted to. Last summer he did not want to see is brother, they have had problems in the past. We honored his decision and the brother called the police. The police would not let him in, so he called social services, that is when we found out it was our choice and the durable power of attorney gave it to us. but she is you mom and i would think there would be something you could dp.

I would really like to hear back from Pateacher on her thoughts about the causes of the rift. I'm dealing with a brother who has declared he will do nothing and doesn't even want to hear the details, so I'm also feeling the resentment others mention here.

does your sister have power of attorney? If she does, like I do then yes she can not allow you into her home, If your mother is able to leave the home then you could take her out for dinner or to your home for a visit

Do you live local? Or is it possible that you are rarely able to be there and making judgements based on what you wish your mom's health to be? I am not meaning to attack. Just asking the question. If you have truly been involved and live locally and feel that you pull your share, then you need to contact a lawyer. But BEWARE. The court system can just as easily appoint a county guardian for your mom who is not related if the two of you are not able to agree on her best care.

Good luck with seeing your Mom Pateacher, sorry to say If they have a POE it is tough getting by to nursing homes, hospitals and ect. I Know... my sister has done this to our family too. It has been over a yr. since I have talked to my Mom:I found my Mom by accident ..but was told before I made the 5 hr. trip to see her was told I wouldn't be able too because I didn't have "the code". Without our knowledge my sister sold our parent's home, took out a $52,000. college loan (my mow is 89yrs.) do not know where my parents belongings went from their home(my Dad past away in 1996)And now we get a call from Payday Loans(4 days ago) that they are looking for my sister....and mom.. she again used Mom's SS# to borrow. I make too much$$$ to get help from a Gov. agency too find herand I do not have $$$ other wise. Ready for this ... my mom's brother just called ( he is 78yrs.in PA. we r in TX.) he is so mad... was told she was no longer at this Nursing Hm.... and Because we do not have "THE CODE" they will not tell anyone what is going on or where she is???
So all I am finding out is..... the POE Laws is not bring used as it was plan. OH I forgot she has cut EVERYONE off on any info has block calls, blocked face book, returns mail... and even has not ans. her door to police... try to ask her to contact us. So I am back on the hunt again. God Bless You and Good Luck.

As I read all of the replies, tears began to well up in my eyes. I don't know if it's from seeing that so many others have similar experiences or it's just sad how our parents did all that they knew to do for their children only to suffer without the ability to defend themselves.

I had the same question recently, but never got a chance to ask it. Thanks pateacher for posting this question. I am not the only one going through this and I would like to share my experience although it is quite lengthy.

My mom is almost 88. In 2007, I realized that both siblings have full time jobs, so making sure that Mom took her med's, ate, went to appts, etc. was a challenge. I discussed some sort of home care with Mom. She has always been an active and independent person, so to have someone care for her wasn't what she thought she needed. Day after day when I visited Mom, I watched her struggle to keep her home clean, couldn't remember if she ate nor what she ate, become frustrated because she misplaced something that she said she would remember once she found it and go from a size 18 to a 12. I knew I had to convince Mom that she needed some help at home. She agreed to part-time home care. I'm fortunate that I could pay for it for her. Mom had someone to escort her to her appts, do laundry, grocery, hair salon, house clean & prepare meals. My Mom was comfortable in her familiar surroundings in her 1-bdrm apartment.

In 2008, I noticed that Mom was acting different. As the oldest of 2 siblings, I contacted my sister so together we could find out what was wrong with Mom; however my sister didn't feel anything was wrong with her. I knew that I needed a label so that I could understand what was happening to Mom. I scheduled an appt. with a geriatrician not the PCP. Mom was diagnosed with AZ & dementia & placed on meds immediately. Mom & I have always been close because I was an only child for over 7 years. Mom has depended on me throughout her life. Parents always know which child they can honestly feel will be there (come hell or high water). Mom had my name on her accounts for more than 30 years. I was Mom's DPOA from 2008-late 2009 and SS rep payee from Oct 15, 2009 to Oct 30, 2009. My sister visited Mom 2x weekly (if she was feeling up to it). One late Oct. 2009 day, Mom called the private aide to reschedule her work day because she had some "business" to take care of & didn't want her to work on her regular day. I had a gut feeling that something was about to happen. It turned out that my sister, her daughter & a trusted friend took Mom to the bank to remove my name from the accounts, SS to remove me as SS rep payee & remove me as one of the life insurance beneficiaries. My sister got Mom to sign a new POA and told me to revoke mine. I didn't do it. I still have my DPOA. SS decided that Mom was capable to be her own SS rep payee in NOv. 2009 but then decided that Mom needed an SS rep payee in Dec. 2009. My sister became the new SS rep payee. My sister place codes on everything (SS and banking).

Now with all these changes taking place for Mom, Mom continued to call me because she needed money from the bank. I tried explaining to Mom that she has signed everything over to my sister and she now is in charge of her money & etc. As this disease would have it, Mom doesn't remember going to the bank much less signing anything over. Each time she asked for something, I reminded her that she had to contact my sister. Mom said that she would but didn't follow through. I still purchased whatever Mom needed. In 2010, I was sent a stinging letter from my sister, accusing me of applying for Mom's SS check in Oct. 2009 but that she stopped it. My sister said that I was thinking only of myself and not what is best for Mom, being narcissistic, etc. In early 2011, I was served with a petition for an Order of Protection on my job. My sister wanted me to surrender my set of keys to Mom's apartment (I live 1 mile from Mom & work 4 blocks from her). My sister claimed that Mom feared for her safety but I was the only one driving Mom where she needed to go. Mom loved introducing me to everyone -- so where is the fear? The family court judge threw it out. One summer day, Mom & I attended a special ocassion. I'm always careful to escort Mom because I know she lacks excercise. My biggest fear was of Mom falling. Mom's new full time home attendant doesn't take her out for walks to strengthen her circulation. Mom gets home care for 8 hours 5 days a week. I ran into brick walls trying to find out if my sister's POA is legal since it was obtained 1 year after the AZ diagnosis. It seems no one wants to challenge these things. I felt that Mom needed longer home care days & hours. I couldn't get her care plan changed because "I don't have POA." A few hours after returning home, Mom slipped and fell. Fortunately Mom had the life alert, which called for medical assistance on her behalf. When I called Mom to say goodnight, I couldn't get through. I immediately went to her rescue. EMS & Police were already there. Those keys that I didn't surrender came in handy. My sister was nowhere to be found. However, I got blamed for Mom's fall because I took her out and Mom doesn't go out. I used to take her to the mall for exercise, to restaurants to make sure she ate and church for the socialization. I took Mom in with me to care for her. My sister called the police and had Mom removed from my home because she is in charge. She put Mom right back in her apartment when she shouldn't have been left alone.Then Mom had a 2nd fall 3 weeks later. This time I was away, the life alert didn't detect the fall. I learned of Mom's fall when I called her to let her know that I arrived at my destination safely. My sister wasn't available again. I had to troubleshoot another rescue from long distance. I was blamed for Mom's fall again because I leaned on a friend to rush over.

My sister took out another Order of Protection petition against me and again it was dismissed. Mom has been staying my sister, who lives 10 miles away, in a 1-bdrom apartment with a medium sized dog and adult grandchild since the summer to present. She also gave up Mom's apartment by Mom's signature
and put her furniture on the trash/gave some away. Once again, I came to Mom's rescue by keeping up the rent. Most of Mom's friends don't know where she is or what happened to her. My sister cut off everything. I am not allowed to visit my mother because my sister doesn't want me in her house. I have called and texted my sister asking to visit with mom in a neutral place. She doesn't not return phone calls or texts. She has instructed Mom's doctor's not to give me any information because I do not need to know anything. When I had POA, I never denied her any type of access to OUR mother. My sister and I haven't been on speaking terms since 2006, but our rift shouldn't involve
Mom. Mom wants this rift to heal before she passes. We've had several mediations (clergy, friends, Dept of Aging) all to no avail. She's made it clear that she doesn't want to work with me. Since this past winter, my daily phone calls to Mom go to the answering machine. We are now in Supreme court and hopefully a decision will be made on Mom's behalf. It's not the route of choice but there is little to choose from when it comes to our elderly. This should never happen in families, period!

Were you a caring daughter to your mother? Were you a good friend to your sister who has taken on this indescribable burden--why don't you break the ice by offering your sister help....like a day off. I am caring for my 93yo mother, and my sister who lived 2 miles down the road never came to see here in 15 years...not a call...not a birthday or christmas card, NATA......not a word in all those years. I had to drive a 72 mile round trip to look after her, grocery shop, pay her bills; turn on her furnace when she would switch it off in10 degree winter days many, many. many, times -- and with her dementia she would forget how to turn it on. I was the one who kept her in her house for four years longer than she could have stayed on her own--because she begged me to do that. Sometimes she would get so sad and say to me, "how would you feel if you had a daughter down the street who could walk here, and never calls or comes or sends a card in all these years?" And, my mother was a good mother to both of us.

Then, when my sister got word (somehow) that our mother's dementia was worsening, she is banging on her front door to get in; she foolishing even told my son she deserves her share of the estate. No guilt, no apology, just "give me the money". Even if she tried calling me to come and see her, which she hasn't in over a year now that my mother is living in my house, am I really supposed to believe she cares about her? I don't think so!! So if you have been a good daughter like your sister is, and like I was to my mother, I think you have a right to see her--if you were not, do not add any more stress to your sister's life at this "very" trying time in her life..

to bags and shoes, if your mom already had dementia, legally she cannot change poa so in your case, I would take it to court and the judge will rule in your favor and you can get your mom and her belongings back and take your sister out of the picture, lots of prayers coming your way

This is common. I am the caregiver for my Mother (RN in the family). I gave up a really good job because my Father asked me to do it. My sister is a very controlling, domineering individual who took all of my mother's assets. I had to get POA to fix a leaky roof. She still has the majority of my Mother's funds in HER name and stole gold from the house. What do you think about that situation? Very common for siblings not to want to talk to each other. Especially when one person is doing all of the work and the other one tries to control. I have taken care of my Mother for six years now (with great sacrifice) and my sister still does not tell me about the finances or tell me what she did with my Mom's gold. Families really are quite disgraceful!

I am caring for my Mom, 88 y/o, with Alzheimer disease. My sister and I have now lived here at Mom's home for almost a year now. The house is in all our names, children. We have an older sister who always starts trouble when she "visits" Mom. Can I get an exparte to keep her from verbally abusing me on these visits?

I have a similar situation, but fewer years. I also have the fiduciary responsibilities which the "control" sister in this case is trying to have removed because I uncovered fraud/embezzlement she committed. She has four of my other 5 siblings sympathetic to her because of longstanding emotional bonds and other shared motives. Yes, families can be quite disgraceful.

pateacher, I see you never responded to these posts? Sorry if it was not what you wanted to hear. Sounds to me like everyone on this thread has a common issue of selfish siblings. It can destroy a family. I would say in destroyed ours except that my parents are very grateful for my help. So we are the new family. They recognize I'm the only one who stepped even though they will defend the other two to their death. I get that. I'm a parent too. My sister has "visited" three times in three years and done some horribly explicable things while here. I wish she would stay away and stop causing trouble. My brother, hasn't been here since 2010. The rest of the story, is everyone else's.

I don't know your situation but my heart goes out to you. We are going through same situation. We live out of state. My sister in law has has my mother in law for 5 years and is a housewife with 20 year old and 15 year old sons My sister in law suffers from depression and anxiety. Reason we have not been able to physically help by taking my mother in law with us is my husband in that time frame has had four surgeries; *neck, back and two hip surgeries) my mom was living with us with dementia and had two surgeries and stroke;then put in assisted living and later passed away. I was working full time through during this time. We also lost our home and had to move into apartment because my husband had to wait to be put on SS Disability and not enough money was coming in. We've always called and lots of times no one answers phone or even returns our phone calls. We tried to go there couple of times and excuse why we cant. We've offered moral support and suggestions; like Visiting Angels coming in or for mom to maybe go to a Senior Day Care but my sister in law refused to get the help. We told her a few months ago since I retired and my husband was done with all his surgeries, we could take mom but she claimed we should have offered sooner knowing what we have dealt with. Sad situation and my sister in law and I have been close for over 31 years. My mother in law is 91 and is mentally sharp. Not sure how we are going to handle this but need to soon.

I am interested and concerned to note that no one who answered this question tried to anticipate the needs and interests of the elder persons involved. I those elders want relationships with their children - then those relationships should be facilitated. A care-giver who isn't facilitating relationship, is not providing adequate care. Care-giving is brutally hard - and if you need help with it - unfortunately most of the time you need to ask and find the time to get the support you need.

Although your post was not written recently, if this is still the situation please give us more details. If it is the case where your sister was doing all of the caregiving, and you did not help her any if you live in the area, then I agree with your sister.

I am one of three children. I have cared for BOTH my parents for the last five years. Asked for help from the other two, they both disappeared into their own selfish lives. One calls from time to time. The other accuses me of stealing their money (not to my face of course), of which they have none, Dad now in a facility, on Medicaid and hospice. Oh yeah, I did the whole Medicaid filing too, with the help of an elder care attorney. I have some cousins who keep in touch with me. They care more about me and Mom and Dad than my own siblings. But back to the question at hand, I got tired of being the reporting agency early on, so I stopped communicating with them. I've kept great records so they can get 40 lawyers, they will never find any misuse of funds. In fact, I subsidize Mom's rent and buy her stuff all the time as she is living off Social Security. But they don't know that. If they want to know what is going on, they can get in their car and get the h*ll over here!! But do they? No. I feel sorry for them now. I will have no regrets when this is over.

luv to all in the strange life we called Caregiving,

-SS

Geez, you people read into things too much. I would think it would be of course common sense that an abusive person should be kept from "anyone," not just an elderly parent. The lady just asked, if her sister could keep her Mom from her. NO the sister can not. She may, "resent, hate, whatever her reasoning is her sister, but short of abuse, she has no right to keep a daughter from talking or seeing her Mom. Can't make arrangements to see the Mom if the caregiver doesn't respond to attempted communication. Noticed allot of martyrs on this site. My advice, I would attempt and document all those attempts, then I would contact the police, then a lawyer. Her Mom might be in trouble. You don't know anything about the situation. What makes you assume, just because the Mom is living with one family member all is well. Talk to a lawyer at the free aid society or call the police, after calling emailing and writing a letter.

When a visitor is abusive toward a parent, some measures are needed to ensure the parent's safety.

In our case, my Dad had told one offender to not bother coming back.

In all cases, they were asked to provide a courtesy notice, then LISTEN to what Dad says is when he will be available. One of the benefits in staying in your own home is that you should have the right to say No or "not now" to on-demand visitors.

Sometimes simple courtesy, when requested, is the LAST thing some visitors want to respect.

As a resident of an assisted facility, patient in a hospital, etc,. those courtesies fail to be observed. To hear a sibling say "I've seen it all" in response to a parent's request for notice tells me the parent has lower priority to a narcissistic "child" of any age.

Mom, 88 with dementia. My sister has sold mom's house, bought an RV, and now they are traveling full time. Sis won't let me speak with mom. I think my sister is taking advantage of mom's condition to further her own financial gain. My local Adult Protective services says I would need their location in order to contact the local authorities for a site visit to determine if my mom is being treated fairly. They won't give me their exact location, which makes this hard for me. My sister is telling mom she's mad at me - mom doesn't know anything besides what's told to her. She's extremely vulnerable and gulllible. I just want ot know that she's ok, and not being taken advantage of - and also, the occassional phone call. Mom is angry at me (for what, exactly , I don't know - it's alwasy been so), so that's the reason given for not wanting to talk to me. If it's even true! She has no short-term memory, so she propably doesn't remember she's mad anymore - until my sister reminds her. I would like to be involved in the management of her care, but my sister will not relinquish total control of Mom, because that's her only income. She has no other job.

that's often the case

Sparky, is there any person such as a friend or family member you could ask to mediate? You want someone to speak to your sister and explain that

a) you want to know that your mother is all right;
b) your mother has a right to contact with her daughter, and she, your sister, ought to facilitate that as part of her responsibilities.

And that's as far as I go. For the rest of it, you say your sister is determined to maintain total control of your mother in order to support herself. The other side of that coin is that when one cares full-time for a dementia sufferer one is necessarily prevented from supporting oneself. Try it some time. As a get rich quick scheme, believe me, it's a non-starter.