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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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What do you have in mind for an "intervention"? A family meeting? Dropping your parent off at their house and saying "I'll see you next week"? Telling them you'll be out of town for a week next month and asking how they see that Parent is cared for?
There are over 200 articles (in addition to MANY posts) on this site regarding this topic. I suggest you do a search and read some of them for ideas on how to hold family meetings, how to deal with your own resentment, etc. etc.
From what I've seen on the many, many posts on this subject, getting siblings to help when they decide not to is pretty hopeless. If they are just ignorant, if they haven't ever thought about it, if they would help if they only knew what to do, then, yes educating them and inviting them and meeting with them can produce some results.
But if they have decided that they are not going to help? I just don't think you can reverse that. [Maybe the people who have been successful just don't come to sites like this. But the picture painted here is a very low to non-existent success rate.]
You need help. It doesn't have to come from your siblings. If your intervention does not result in the level of help you need, get help elsewhere. If your parent cannot afford help, look into aid programs such as Medicaid.
The critical thing is that your parent has the level of care needed. It would be nice if it could all come from the children, but that isn't essential. Childless people can get the care they need. Your parent is very lucky to have you to see that they get care. That doesn't mean that you have to provide it all personally, even if your siblings will not help.
I was talking to my sister yesterday about my Mom, and I let her know that I physically and emotionally can NOT do this any longer. I told her Mom is in the hospital (again) because she refuses to follow orders & now has a huge blood clot in her leg because she won't get up and walk like she's supposed to - hell she won't even stand for a couple of minutes an hour like they expect her to (yet she tells them she does). My sister said "Well maybe she's depressed - maybe you should take her to a therapist". EXCUSE ME????? maybe YOU should get off your a&& and start HELPING ME with YOUR MOTHER!!!! Oh my gosh I was SOOO UPSET with her for saying that!! But that's the way it is - I do all the work, & they just take that help for granted. I honestly don't know why I even bothered telling them she's in the hospital again - it's not like they're going to call her.
You know your siblings better than anyone - if you think an "intervention" or a family meeting will work, then more power to you and I truly hope it does. In my experience, all I got accomplished was wasting my breath.
Raisin, ask them each once a year if and what they can do to help for the coif year. Maybe brother at a distance can contribute financially for you to go on a vacation and pay for a caregiving service to come in round the clock. It should only cost him $10K. That's right. Local brother should be available for sleepover every weekend from Friday afternoon until Sunday night After dinner. Rich sister--well, what are they ever good for but whining about broken nails and needing another facelift? She could pay for you to have a day of beauty once a month. Bottom line, not including slightly dense local brother: you can't depend on them. They are selfish, thoughtless, shallow, and lacking compassion and loyalty. I dare you to print this and send them each a copy. Hey, blame it on me. Lol xo
I have had many meetings with my family and what I have found is they will make all kinds of promises but not follow through. I am to the point now that, as power of attorney, I will no longer give them regular updates on mom's progress (or lack of). One less job I will have to do. They can visit her and see for themselves.
I feel for you and know many that are in the same boat. Actually I think it's better to rise about them and send occasional updates; just don't expect a response. The other day my mother needed a ride to an appt. (I could not take her) and I sent a message to one of my siblings and never got a response. It's almost unbelievable that one could just ignore a request like that, but somehow they do. If they don't care enough to call you to offer help, visit your mother or call very often, they may simply be relieved when your updates stop coming so frequently.. one less thing for them to worry about. It's still amazing to me how some people go through life like that. I could not.
I agree with everyone here. It has been so difficult getting my brothers and sister to help out. I live the farthest and work the longest hours, yet I too take the most and best care of my mother. There are days it gets me angry and very depressed, but I have to keep telling myself I'm lucky to be able to have the patience and brains to do this for my mother. She took very good care of me when I was young, so I guess it's my turn. I'm not belittling your feelings at all, because believe me, I feel the same quite often! Getting resources to help out is a life and mind saver, so that's the first place to start. This website is another valuable resource!
She is in the hospital. Now, is an excellent time to get her to an AL facility. They can take care of her and she can be around other people. It is easier to do, once they are hospitalized, because her doctor might help you. I would tell him, "I am not a full time nurse. She needs better care." Detach, with love. (I am not saying it is easy.)
Yes everytime I talk to my sister and update her on my mom's health she just starts lecturing me on all the things "I" should do. She is married and has a child so basically her mother doesn't exist in her eyes. I have always been here to care for her and so she assumes I can do it, but then also questions why Im not married. Well that is another discussion for later trying to date, care for my mom and work fulltime LOL She has never had a close relationship with my mom and uses that as another excuse. I tried a couple times to take my mom up to her place just for 2 or 3 days and it took me days to calm my mom down...I am able to have my brother come to our house to watch my mom but he gets bored and needs step by step instruction but at least he tries. Hoping your family meeting goes better than mine. Before my father died he gave up on the others helping because he told me knew the one that would always be there to help was me because they were too selfish...guess he knew his children well.
I have been taking care of both of my parents for years and my siblings always just pretend that nothing was wrong. My father died 5 years ago and now my mom's condition is worsening...over a y ear ago she was recovering in nursing home from broken hip and couldn't get anyone to do anything. I have two brothers and one sister. My sister lives about 4 hours north but since she got married has forgotten how to drive to her hometown even though she has a new car and plenty gas money. I have a brother that lives locally he tries to help but has to have step by step instructions. The other brother is 700 miles away and know nothing is going to happen there. I have tried to get all of them to help to give me a break but it seems everyone is too busy with their own lives to worry about their mother. My sister is always so busy but doesn't work, can't even call her but maybe once a month if my mom is lucky. I give them updates on facebook but usually end up getting more concerned comments from my friends than I do my family. I don't understand how they can just forget about her but it seems so many people can just forget their loved ones when they get older.
An intervention, by its very nature, is confrontational. If you want to enlist their help, try appealing to their sense of compassion; or pour on the guilt, but do it persuasively. Bottom line is that there isn't enough of you to go around and need their help. Last thing you want to do is alienate them.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
There are over 200 articles (in addition to MANY posts) on this site regarding this topic. I suggest you do a search and read some of them for ideas on how to hold family meetings, how to deal with your own resentment, etc. etc.
From what I've seen on the many, many posts on this subject, getting siblings to help when they decide not to is pretty hopeless. If they are just ignorant, if they haven't ever thought about it, if they would help if they only knew what to do, then, yes educating them and inviting them and meeting with them can produce some results.
But if they have decided that they are not going to help? I just don't think you can reverse that. [Maybe the people who have been successful just don't come to sites like this. But the picture painted here is a very low to non-existent success rate.]
You need help. It doesn't have to come from your siblings. If your intervention does not result in the level of help you need, get help elsewhere. If your parent cannot afford help, look into aid programs such as Medicaid.
The critical thing is that your parent has the level of care needed. It would be nice if it could all come from the children, but that isn't essential. Childless people can get the care they need. Your parent is very lucky to have you to see that they get care. That doesn't mean that you have to provide it all personally, even if your siblings will not help.
You know your siblings better than anyone - if you think an "intervention" or a family meeting will work, then more power to you and I truly hope it does. In my experience, all I got accomplished was wasting my breath.
Bottom line, not including slightly dense local brother: you can't depend on them. They are selfish, thoughtless, shallow, and lacking compassion and loyalty.
I dare you to print this and send them each a copy. Hey, blame it on me. Lol xo
One less job I will have to do. They can visit her and see for themselves.
I would tell him, "I am not a full time nurse. She needs better care."
Detach, with love. (I am not saying it is easy.)
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