For many months my husband has been in AL due to dementia, diagnosed by family doctor. He's trying every angle to get out, constantly, constantly lies and covers lies when confronted with more lies, talks about multi-million $ business. He's turned his family against me........I'm the only reason he's there, there's nothing wrong with him, has convinced most of his family there's nothing wrong wtih him; his adult child knows there's something wrong but says he shoul live with me. My doc, other professionals, friends, my family know it would not work for him to live with me. He never stops with scheming to get out. I have durable POA and health care POA, cannot afford guardianship, which maybe would be contested by him and his family. Threatens he's moving out no matter what on April 1. Now, our family doc says he should not go home,has serious concerns about him living on his own in an apt., and driving. Driving test is sched. this week. He's met personally with psychology tech and pscyh. intern at VA who then met with psychologist (without my husband present). Their report says he has mild cognitive decline, not dementia. They also indicated it's stressors - indicating I'm the stressor that's causing his prob and suggested couples therapy. My husband said he doesn't think that's necessary. Now there are 2 different opinions between our family doc and VA mental health....he met with psychiatrist at VA. Psychiatrist at VA called me, said he presents himself very well, but agrees he has grandiose plans for an 81 yr old ==== husband told him about plans for a "multi- million business he's planning, etc.)" Psychiatrist asked how he plans to implement the business, husband said I don't know, but it will cost 1/4 million $$$ for one press to make the tool and he needs 30 presses and plans to make 9.4 million tools. Psychiatrist said after talking with me he feels he should not come home, says he has serious concern with his mental stability, he could be delusional or could be developing a psychosis. He said he need to speak with our family doctor before he completes his report which could be ten more days. In the meantime, we're paying several thousand $$ for AL. I am almost decided to divorce him, I know this sounds desparate, but I AM!!!. My health is now being affected and he's not even living with me. I now have started taking anti-anxiety medication. All my friends and family agree I should divorce him. If I do, all assets & $$ will be split in 1/2, I believe, including house. Don't know how I could survive financially; am willing to make reasonable sacrifices to do this, I'm at my wits end!! However, I feel guilty filing for divorce; then who would be in charge of him, at that time (post divorce) he would have 1/2 of all our assets & $$, but see no other way out. My emotions can no longer deal with all of this stress, in one month it will be 1 year since all of this started. Under these circustances, is it legal for me to divorce him??? If we divorced, would assets & $$ be divided equally, or would he get more since he's ill, if so how would I survive? Any ideas? This is an unbearable mess. Thanks for any ideas.
If you have POA and Health Care Proxy, the doctor can invoke the Health Care Proxy meaning you have control over his care, etc. He cannot leave under any circumstances as he has been deemed unfit. I don't know your financial situation; but do you want to keep him in AL? Do you have the funds? When there are cash flow problems, yet you own a house - you could apply for medicaid and there are ways to work around it for you to stay in the house. And you could visit him and take care of him at AL if they accept medicaid.
If not there, another faciltiy will. This way you don't have to get divorced or lose your house unless you want a divorce.
First, go have a consultation with an elder care lawyer - most will give a one hour consultation for no fee. Good luck and hope things work out.
Only you can decide if divorce is an option, IMO. I would like to say "hey- marriage is for better and worse-sickness and health" but , you know, I am not in your shoes, I do not know what you are really going through and what kind of marriage you have had in the past so I think it would be unfair of me to say that. I wish you peace in whatever you decide.
Also, I really think , if you can, and decide to stay married, you need to get your husband declared incompetent -is that the right term?- you do have some doctor support so that should help. I would definitely start documenting everything that your husband does that is atypical for support in trying to get control over his care and to help his family see his struggles.
Good luck and God bless.
I agree with MishkaM that having him declared incompetent might help. But I kind of think it unlikely that someone with "mild cognitive decline" would be declared incompetent. On the other hand there are doctors saying "delusional" and "psychosis" so who knows?
Can he leave April 1 (or any other date) without your approval? Perhaps he can if he is not incompetent. Where would he go? That is coming up here in a hurry.
It really saddens me to say this, but in your case I think you need to see a family law attorney and get all of your questions about a divorce answered. (I can't remember. Have you already consulted a lawyer about that?) I think that you are the best person to make decisions in your husband's best interest, but you get so much interference from his family that you have a huge burden trying to enforce those decisions. So he is not really fully benefiting from your love and concern. You are suffering and he is not benefiting. Perhaps it really is time to sever this union. That is not generally the advice I would give to people whose spouse has dementia. Yours is not a typical case.
I am very sorry that you are in this spot. My heart goes out to you.
Please let us know how the driving test goes. And keep us updated on how this progresses. We care!
he was diagnosed in 2011. I have been able to deal with the parkinsons but his dementia is driving me crazy...he accuses me of stealing from him and wants sex all the time...really, I want to divorce him after 45 years of marriage, I also care for my 91 year old mother at home and between the both I tired and I am 64 years old and beginning to age rapidly...I wanted to wait to have him placed in a memory care facility once he does not recognize...but every morning he says" I know you, you are the women who thinks I am crazy?
RCO1207
And his family is another problem. Your husband can change his POA's if he is mildly impaired. Give the responsibility to someone in his family. They are causing problems, let them deal with the fallout.
Are you discussing his most irritating symptoms with the doctor who is treating his dementia? As you know, there is no cure, but there are often treatments that help with the symptoms. Please talk to his doctor, if you aren't already!
It may help you to learn more about the kind of dementia he has. It is different from Alzheimer's.
Your husband may live with this disease for many years. You need to learn how to make things better at home or how to select a suitable care center for him. (Unless he wanders -- which isn't typical of this kind of dementia -- he may not need a secure "Memory" unit.) I suppose that divorce would be one option but I don't really see its need here.
What are your mother's infirmities? Taking care of two adults is beyond what most people can do!
If mother were in a care center, would that make it easier to deal with your husband's care?
My heart goes out to you, RCO1207. Give us more details and perhaps we can provide more specific suggestions.