I have shared in this forum previously about my MIL's issues with ALZ. Today this post is to share about me. I am 45 yrs. old with 11-year-old and 15-year-old kids. My MIL has been in stage 5, moderate for a very long time. She has been living with the disease for at least 9 years now. She is physically quite healthy and active for a 83 yr. old in spite of the uncontrolled diabetes she has had for 40 yrs. (no heart disease, pressure or any diabetes complications). So, she might carry on with ALZ for more years I guess. She spends 5 months each in our house and my husband’s brother. The sons will not put MIL in a nursing home due to cultural reasons. I have shared before with all of you of her cursing me and the other daughter in law 24/7 either for the food we cook or that we are stealing her clothes. We cook everyday dreading what yelling we will encounter. I am used to her calling me devil, who*e and other curse words all the time. Since the sight of me makes her go berserk, I am mostly huddled up in my room or I take my two kids out for activities and escape my house. I never have dinner with family because if I sit at the dinner table it is a nightmare, listening to the abuse about the food we cook. Our family has turned quite dysfunctional, only my husband and MIL eat together. Everybody else eats at their own time. Both me and husband work from home and have very busy jobs. I do most of the cooking and cleaning for the family. However, because my husband fears his mother hurling abuse about food (she thinks all cooked food is 6 months old or tastes bad), he whips up something fresh for her lunch and dinner every day. All she does is curse (swearing and curses that evil things happen to me or that I should get a disease and die, let someone shoot you, something falls on your head, let your kids illtreat you, etc.). Even in her sleep, and in her prayers, I can see her muttering to God to give me the worst suffering (I sometimes think it’s hilarious.). She does not curse her own children, it's only the daughter in-laws and her own mother-in-law, sister in laws etc., I used to be patient with her all the time, right from the beginning of this disease and never retort back, in part because my husband wouldn’t let me, and I wanted to keep family peace. Rarely when it used to get to my nerves, and I would say something he would swing right back at me in support his mother. Since we are both in the same house working from home, he is around all the time and if I say something, it will become an ugly fight between us which I don’t want my kids to endure. But in the last several months, I think something strange has happened to me. Even when my MIL is yelling like crazy onto my face, I don’t feel like saying anything in return. It’s like I have no energy to fight, or I feel frozen. I feel even if she attacks me, I will just stay frozen and not defend back. I was a highly organized, fast, multi-tasking person before. But now, I am noticing my office work is suffering, deadlines are missing, missing kid’s deadlines (like when they are absent at school, I am forgetting to call the school and the school staff is upset and calling me), forgetting about library books, forgetting to cancel extracurricular lessons, and getting non-refunds now, misplacing things in the house. I am turning forgetful, and I cannot multi-task like before. I can only do one thing at a time. I am on the internet countless hours searching non relevant stuff and office work is suffering. I used to take showers everyday but these days I don’t realize that I haven’t showered in like two or three days. I recently got an auto immune disorder Alopecia areata where I am losing hair in patches. I don’t know if it has something to do with my stress. I tried a few counselling sessions, but it didn’t help. I don’t think I am depressed. But something is wrong with me, and I cannot diagnose what and what I should do.
Joann once said that she’s not above a little threat. It will be more effective if sh delivers it. As in any more swearing or insulting or throwing crying fits means she’s going to a home. Or you will leave.
Your current living conditions sound to me like a prisoner under torture. Nothing less than that.
I cannot imagine anyone living like this and maintaining either physical health or sanity.
I do understand the cultural dictate involved. But you seem to be sacrificing both your own mental and physical health to your MIL I wish you well, but this is beyond human indurance, and your venting it to us cannot help you I fear. Please see your medical doctor and your psychologist and show them a copy of what you have written here to us. The dreadful truth is that living in this manner may kill you. And when you are gone, this old world will just keep spinning without you. You MUST act for yourself.
When I listen to what you have written us I cannot help seeing your own MIL during the time she must have served out her own sentence to a tyrannical MIL. For, as you admit, this is cultural. People once did not live so long as they do now, so perhaps she survived it more easily.
As AlvaDeer urged, see your doctor SOON. Your physical and mental health are in danger.
And I dont respect any culture thay allows blatant abuse to happen. His mother may have dementia but I bet she was always a nasty person even before it got worse.
On the plus side you have a job so you arent relying on him for money. Just find a small 2 bedroom place for you and the kids and get out of there.
What does your sil say? Could the 2 of you confront the brothers together?
What culture is this that allows abuse by elders?
My co-sister goes to office and hides there from early morning until late evening to escape from MIL. However, her husband is much more supportive to her. There is abuse going on at their house too, but I think the brother has a stronger personality than my husband and doesnt let the abuse escalate. And he doesnt yell at his wife.
Reg culture that allows elders to abuse, the issue is I am letting people run over me because I dont want to create unnecessary confrontation in the house and letting my children suffer. Like Alvadeer said, my life is a sacrifice for my children but I dont know how long I can go on like this.
Please see your PCP and get a referral to a psychologist or someone who can guide you out of this nightmare you have been living. You and the kids deserve so much more.
I'm so sorry for your valid struggles and pray you'll do something to change the situation. It's not impossible once you get your self esteem back that's been stripped away from you. God bless
I agree, maybe time to leave and take you kids because I agree, they too are suffering. This is not a good home environment. MIL should not be holding all the cards. And, you are not going to be able to leave her alone much longer and guess who will be expected to give up their job to care for her.
I may see a divorce lawyer just to see what ur options are. I took would find a nice apt you can afford. DH will have to pay support. You need to do this for yourself. You don't have to actually divorce but tell DH you will return when MIL is no longer there.
You won't change your husband, or your MIL so change the situation. At 83 she could live another 10-15 years and the situation won't improve.
Time to get your priorities straight, your children should be #1, either she goes or you go, taking your children with you.
You are burned out and this will not get better as long as you stay in this toxic enviornment.
Ask for a referral to a psychiatrist for evaluation of your depression and PTSD.
Next, you need to see a lawyer.
Find a divorce attorney and get the paperwork started on a legal separation. Your husband will have to leave with his mother.
Your husband pays for the home you are living in and provides financial support for the children.
He also pays for therapy for you and the children.
Your MIL may have have dementia, but it sounds as though there is mental illness in play as well.
Is she getting ANY kind of management of those symptoms?
Does HER doctor know about how abusive she is of you?
"By keeping your mother here abusing me, our children, and family life, you are doing PERMANENT damage to our marriage and family."
Repeat it every single day, because it's true. Tell your sister-in-law to adopt the same technique with her husband.
There are options for her living situation, customs be d*mned. There is no reason why you have to accept her abuse, Alzheimers or not, and your husband is complicit in that abuse if he refuses to do anything about it.
He can care for his loved one by putting her in Memory Care where they know how to handle this behavior, and using the cultural reasons is a cop-out.
Your mother in law DESERVES better medical treatment than she's getting. Your husband's family sound like a bunch of real jerks.
AND you, my poor, patient friend, have all the symptoms of very deep depression. Please get yourself to a psychiatrist, for the sake of your children if you can't see why you should go for yourself.
The damage that living with the loathing of your mother-in-law (and your husband's support of her abuse) is doing to your kids is immeasurable.
It teaches a daughter to expect abuse.
It teaches a son that it's okay to debase your partner.
Well sister you got it in spades!
I think the reaction (or non reaction) you are having now is much like an abused dog would eventually have. They give up the fight and submit.
I would hate to think that is going or is happening to you.
During the 5 months that MIL is "visiting" is there any way you can take the kids and go to a friends house? A relative? Get a short term rental?
The exposure your kids are getting is not healthy mentally for them.
If this is what they know and think is "normal" I can see this happening to them or they are going to subject their spouse to the same thing, Do you want that for another person?
I also think it is unfair to MIL to not be getting proper care, not that you and you husband are not caring for her but someone that has that much anxiety, fear, anger should be properly medicated to relieve some of that fear, anxiety for their own mental health.
If you have not talked to a therapist you should although...if you can not do anything to change the situation talking is just talking.
You are basically in an abusive relationship with your husband if he permits this. Next time she's over, leave and stay at a hotel. If you maintain inaction you have no one but yourself to blame.
Cultural issues be dam*ed. The abuse may be directed at you but it is also having a serious negative impact on your children, and in any case there is no culture that says it's absolutely fine for elders to treat daughters-in-law abominably and husbands need do nothing about it.
You can look up caregivers' resources on your state's or county's website, and you could also look up local special interest groups related to your MIL's heritage and see what they have to offer.
There are two choices here. The first one is MIL goes to live with her other children.
The other is she gets put into a nursing home/memory care.
If your husband is unwilling to choose his wife and children over his mother, you talk to a divorce lawyer and have him served.
Your account of abuse here is horrific to read. If this were my MIL I would drop her off at a hospital ER with a note pinned to her jacket and drive away.
You deserve better than to be treated with such abuse by your MIL and such neglect by your husband. Your children do not deserve to have their homelife and childhoods ruined by a mean, nasty, demented, abusive monster living in their home who torments their mother day and night.
You lay down the law with your husband today. Your man needs to be made to understand that by continuing to have his mother in your home, he is creating the perfect conditions for elder abuse to happen.
You show him this post. It's coming from someone who was in-home caregiver for 25 years. I've been in every kind of caregiving situation there is.
I have known many good DIL's who got physical with their elderly MIL or FIL because their husbands ignored a dangerous situation.
I worked for a miserable elderly woman. Her DIL became a good friend of mine. She was stuck with her 24/7 because she didn't work outside the home.
Her MIL was such a monster that being her caregiver drove her to a nervous breakdown. I showed up for work and that poor woman was in the garage with car running.
She was okay, her husband made other arrangements for his mother though.
You make your husband understand that either he chooses you and his kids over his mother, or he gets a second job. He's going to need it with all the alimony and child support he will have to pay.
If you have any family or friends you and your kids can stay with, you should go for a while. Make your husband deal with his mother. She is not your responsibility and you do not have to share your home with her.
She is his responsibility and his siblings.
I especially liked the part about dropping MIL off at the ER with a note pinned on her jacket, and then driving away.
Geeeeeez, I feel your pain.
It’s awful that you are in this situation. I bet that you would like to kick your MIL out or run away and never return to see her again. She really should be in a facility.
I certainly hope that you will not have to endure this situation for much longer.
It’s funny how you said that your MIL prays and curses simultaneously. I actually know someone who does this too. When you said that you sometimes laugh at her because. I can relate to that because it is absolutely ridiculous, yet sad at the same time.
The woman that I know, will be deep in prayer, then stops suddenly praying to curse her family out. It’s nuts!
Put up a camera and send the information to her doctor, and to yours.
Take control of your world within your skin. Provide for your MIL's visits, if that is your duty and custom, with a clean place, food, tea, but not your ears or eyes. The heck with her health. That's her son's worry.
If she screams in your face, use your feet. Turn your back. Walk away. You maybe in mental chains (for now) but you are not in physical chains. Go about your business and pretend she is not there. Take power silently.
You're are taking your first step to becoming someone you haven't recognized in a while, and that is someone to be admired, if only to yourself because you are wise and with a good heart but terribly abused and unappreciated. Your kids will be proud of you.
This is part of what people mean when they say to caregivers, "make sure you take care of yourself too".
I also developed an autoimmune disease from tremendous stress. You have a basic human right to self-protect.
Get headphones for your kids too. You and they can learn sign language and have fun.
Get strong within your prison. Be clever and look like you have realized something deep and personal. Practice that presence. You're dealing with insects. They are stuck in a very repetitive and limited scope of behavior.
Get quiet. Pray, not pitifully asking for help but rather seeking a serene oasis. I found guided meditation YouTubes. Very unlike me but I initially did this to be polite to a friend and I found it to be genuinely mind quieting and healthful.
With time if you act like you've realized a new persona and put on a relaxed wisdom-fascade, (simply - a you guys can act the fool without me face) it will become you. Detach from the snake pit of crazies in your family. Practice a confident and self-assured matriarchal peace. You may be in the land of loud and unkind savages but you know reason, and what is not to be tolerated, and your vote on all things will be known by your lack of reaction.
What would you advise your child in similar straits, heaven forbid.
I wish you strength and happiness with your creativity.
I would not stay with an abusive, bullying husband and MIL.
You hand down to your children deeply ingrained traditions. Dishing out and eating poop will become one of these traditions. Where did you learn it?
You must be a ground breaker. Seek help. Do the hardwork for your children's future mental health, happiness and to not repeat a life of tortured sadness.
As time goes on though, your daughter will witness more and more chaos.
I know that you don’t want her to see things that she will wish she had never seen before.
If the situation becomes so disturbing, trust me, she will wish that you and her father were divorced so she can live in peace.
I have known people who prayed every night as a child for their parents to get a divorce.
What are you teaching her by staying? Don’t show her that she should do the same thing. Break this ugly cycle now before it becomes even worse.
These situations are never forgotten by children and will often require quite a bit of therapy later in life to heal.
Consider leaving, getting extended therapy for each of you and move forward in your lives. A couple of sessions aren’t enough to tackle a problem like this.
Once you and your children are away from the mayhem, you’ll start to see it for the disastrous situation that it truly is.
Best wishes to you and your family.
is Dr NICOLE EDMONDS. She has completely changed my mindset and my attitude In caregiving for my husband.
You need to take care yourself and your family before you can take care of your loved one’s suffering..
Wishing you all the best.
Lately with my husband's dementia I have been wondering if I too were developing dementia -- I forget words (even ones I have SAID an hour earlier) -- and like you I feel frozen around my husband.
The sad thing in many cases like this is that the demented person is not just killing the caregiver -- he or she is also destroying the family. Your kids have the right to grow up without hearing their mother called obscenities. I would think their personalities and views of the world are suffering greatly. I have a friend whose son and his family went to "visit grandpa." Well, grandpa bit the youngest one on the arm so hard that he had to go to the hospital for many stitches. He still hasn't gotten over that one. It really altered his feeling of safety around adults and family members.
It's really sad that your husband won't stick up for you. You must feel completely isolated on this island of cruelty. All the solutions that occur to me are on the order of "leave," "get a divorce," " threaten a divorce unless BIL relaxes his cultural attitudes OR takes mom on for the entire year" -- and all of these would be extremely hard to put in place since even your husband seems to be against you.
The Alopecia is absolutely evidence of the stress you are under. This woman is killing you and nobody helps you?
This is very helpful - as, sadly, often only a professional opinion may be heard by many. I hope this woman heeds your advice / comments.
Unfortunately, there is no magic wand. We have to take the steps , one at a time. . . Once the decision is made.
You don't need to be a caregiver for this viper. No way. Your children are seeing how you're allowing yourself to be treated by their own father and his mother. This will really damage them if it continues. This is your marital home, shame on your husband. I would be out of there. I'm sorry you're being subjected to this by your husband. Simply awful of him.
Sadly, as long as this woman allows it, it will continue.
She needs to develop some self-worth / self-esteem to make a needed, obvious, decision. "GET OUT" and allow yourself and your children to heal.
Hopefully, if she tries counseling again that the person will be able to support this woman to make decisions in her and her children's best interest. However, she has to do the work and make these decisions.
And, I believe that she knows what she needs to do. It is finding the courage to do it - before she - and her children are further emotionally and psychologically traumatized.
You are damaging yourself and your children by continuing to stay in this situation. It will only change when you force the change.