Hi everyone. I came online to do a search because I needed to find someone to talk to that understood. I ended up here.
Please understand that I'm new to this. I'm an only child. My parents live about an hour & 1/2 from me & my hubby. We have no children yet. I am very close to my parents. However, in the last 11 months or so, my feelings have really been thrown in every direction possible. My parents are both in their late 70's. Between the two of them, my mom is the one who's gown downhill the most in the past 2-3 yrs. She's diabetic, has bad arthritis in her back that affects her walking and has congestive heart failure. We were dealing w/that and everything was as well as could be expected. Then, about 2 yrs ago, she started falling. She did that 3 times and the last time was the worst. She got out of the hospital 3 days b4 Christmas last yr. She had meltdown on me when I told her daddy, hubby & I had everything taken care of as far as Christmas dinner. She went into this spill about how I should do everything myself bc they are old & sick. That came out of nowhere! My dad had health probs, but he was able bodied. Plus, HE volunteered to help. I would have never tried to put anything on him if I knew he couldn't do it. She then went on to tell me I don't care about them bc when I visit, I stay a good 2 hrs and leave. REALLY? Since when is arriving at the house @ 10 a.m. and leaving @ 7:00 after cleaning and cooking meals only TWO HOURS?! It really hurt my feelings and I was so upset that I didn't wanna go home for Christmas. I went on though but honestly, that was my very 1st Christmas that I didn't enjoy one bit. My gf said although its hard, just try to ignore it bc that's not her talking...its her illness. That was really hard to swallow. I walked on eggshells for a couple of months after that incident.
Things have been pretty good until recently. Now, my dad's health has gone downhill. He has prostate cancer & is now on a light chemo treatment for 6 wks. The dr. is hoping this will stop the growth. My dad is in really good spirits. He had a few rough days, but overall, he's doing ok. In the last month, my mom has really been giving me the blues. When I was @ home doing things for them 3 wks ago, she mentioned she's gonna have to call someone to come clean bc daddy just isn't able to do it anymore. After she kept falling, he pretty much took over all chores inside & out(except for when I go in to help). I gave her a confused look & told her she didn't need to do that bc I didn't mind coming to do it. Instead of being grateful, I got a snappy reply of, "well, you don't come weekly, so that's why I said we need someone." Okaaaaay. I let that go. Last week, she made another snappy comment about how she would like to have things done & go places but she knew there was no chance of me coming in town before Thanksgiving. So she was out of luck on that note. I calmly reminded her that she can always call me if she needs me and she knows that. I was hurt but I didn't cry w/her on the phone. The 3rd blow came this afternoon when I talked to her & dad. He had his treatment & said the dr. was pleased w/his progress. I get on the phone w/her and it was absolute dread & guilt that washed over me from the moment she said hi. She brought up having to call someone to come clean the house again. I told her I knew the house couldn't be THAT bad bc we just visited them 3 wks ago. I cleaned that day. They are not nasty, sloppy people. She popped off with, "well ALL YOU CLEANED was the bathroom..that's all you ever clean when you come." I felt my heart drop into my stomach & tears instantly formed. I pushed 'em back and told her she knew darn well I'd cleaned the whole kitchen along w/sweeping too bc she said she was appreciative of what I did. Now, all of a sudden, she forgets?!? On top of that, I cooked enough for them to have meals for two weeks. I was so hurt when I hung up w/her. I had already made plans to go home again this week, but honestly I dread it. I told my hubby that I don't understand. Here I am doing the best I can. I feel that I'm a good daughter. I'm sorry that I don't live in town or closer, but there's nothing I can do about that right now. I feel very unappreciated and sad. I have 2 friends who live in the same town and don't even try to do anything for their mothers. Here I am trying to balance taking care of them and my life as well and I feel like my mom can only think what i'm doing is not enough.
What can I do? I already feel guilty about not being able to be there in 20 or 30 min. I don't need any ADDITIONAL help from her. Why doesn't she realize I'm a good daughter? I'm so upset about this & its starting to affect me. I hardly sleep @ night and i've gained 10 pds bc of stress eating. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Does she have any other signs of dementia? Cause this sure sounds like some kind of cognitive impairment.
As for practical steps: You live too far to be her regular house cleaner. Dad can no longer do it. Next time she brings it up offer to help her find someone. Many caregivers on here would be THRILLED if they could talk their parents into accepting some outside help. Even if Mom turns it into a complaint about you, it is basically a sound idea that needs implementing. Yes, they need some homemaking help. Believe me, you'll have more than sufficient opportunity to help them in other ways over the years ahead! Embrace this willingness to bring in outside help with both hands! Don't let your own hurt feelings get in the way of taking this practical step.
It is awesome that you cook meals for them to heat up later. Great help! When Mom complains that you don't do anything for her, later in the conversation ask how she liked your such-and-such meal. Try not to take it personally that she doesn't remember or appreciate your efforts. Unless she has been like this all your life, it is the illness talking. Now, how about looking into Meals on Wheels? Not only is that a nutritious meal once a day that they don't even have to heat up, but it is someone coming to the house every day, someone to socialize with for just a few minutes. Your cooking efforts will go farther if they get some other meals provided.
While Mom is receptive to outside help, do either of them need a visiting nurse? Who manages their medications? Do you think they are doing well with that task? Can they still shower unassisted?
Your mother had a meltdown when she first got out of the hospital last year. Suddenly she had to accept that she couldn't do things she took for granted in the past. Maybe on some weird level it made her feel better to claim that you didn't do it right (because she couldn't do it at all). And now she faces another blow. Her husband has cancer. He can no longer do things she counted on him to do. Her life is spinning more out her control. She is frightened. Why she should take that out on you is a huge mystery. But I suspect her behavior has little to do with you and much to do with her fear, and possibly with early stage dementia.
If at all possible, drop the guilt. If you can't fully let go of it, push it way to the background and make decisions without consulting the guilt.
Know that you are a good daughter. Believe it. Talk to your girlfriend about it. Talk to your husband about it. Come here and post so we can tell you that you ARE a good daughter. None of that means as much as hearing your mother say it, but that just may not possible at this time. Whether she acknowledges it or not, you are a good daughter.
Is there any way your folks would move closer to you, into an assisted living facility? My folks lived 3 hours away from me and as I'd get more and more desperate calls about needing help, I finally said, "I can't handle the stress". Thankfully my folks also saw the need from their end, so moved to a facility five minutes from my condo. That was 12 years ago. My dad died 4 years ago, after going from their independent living apartment over to the skilled nursing side for three months after he was coming to the end of his battle with lung cancer. My mom is still able to live in independent living, with a LOT of help from me. They were both happier with my involvement and it cut my stress down by lot. There was/is still stress, but it's more manageable when you can get to your folks in minutes instead of hours.
The other thing is, you have to learn to pace yourself with both your emotions and what you'll do for your folks. So don't get too down over any one thing, because this is a marathon, not a sprint and you have to take care of yourself so that you can manage it.
Your mom doesn't have control of her life anymore. She sees her support system changing (her husband is sick, her daughter lives far away, she has serious health problems.) It is not possible for you to fix all of your parents problems. You are there to assist but not to own the situation.
It is not practical for you to be their house cleaner. We gave my mom a housecleaning service for Christmas for 6 months. After that, she liked it and kept the service going. She could afford it. I don't know what your parents' financial situation is. Make it clear to your mom that you will be there for them (but you must set boundaries and stick to them).
Your Dad sounds like a reasonable person. Maybe you can start planting the seeds to consider assisted living. You can visit places on your own or with your parents. If you start looking now, there is no stress to make decisions. Just see what it's all about. They may like the idea of someday living close by you.
In the meantime, talk to your Dad about your concerns about Mom. Mom's doctor can set up a neurological evaluation. Please don't take your mom's comments as a true reflection of who you are. You are entitled to have your own life with your husband.
Caregiving is exhausting, emotionally, physically, mentally. Your parents need hands on care. Your Mom needs a break. If you can't give it, and they have the money to hire it, what exactly are your concerns with hiring a cleaning woman?
I have been there. It still hurts when mom says something harsh, even though I have known for 7 years it is her dementia...Now to your parents...sit down with them the next time you visit. Try to do it when everyone is relaxed. Get your mom (especially) to sit with you and go over what needs to be done and when at the house. Have her be a part of the decisions about her own home. She is losing so much and much of what she says to you could be chalked up to her frustration. If they need to hire someone to come clean, look into your counties Department of Aging. Many of them have excellent resources for older folks aging in place. Above it all, know that you ARE a good daughter, your parents love you and that it is their ill health that creates the snarky tone.
This makes you crazy, but you are not the crazy one. Your mother is losing control not only over her situation, but over her mind. Even though you are the target, this is just because her mind is not working properly and she is lashing out when you are convenient.
I agree, help her find a housekeeper. Talk to your parents about assisted living, and try to take them on a tour of a couple of places near their home. (Be sure to see them first by yourself.) Get your Mom to a doctor to assess her cognitive functioning. It is a long time, often, from when the family first notices something wrong mentally, until the medical people notice it, but detailing times and incidents for the doctor will help him or her.
Hang in there and keep us posted.
That leaves you to spend quality time with your parents. Who loses? Your mom has taken control in a life in which very little (including the life of her husband) is under her control. You don't have to scrub her toilet, kitchen, or anything else. Win/win.
It doesn't really hurt less when a disease makes them cruel to you, as opposed to their doing it on purpose. I know few people who can compartmentalize that like. But it's a mantra you can repeat to yourself when you reach the end of your rope, a knot to grab onto until your pulse slows and your tears dry. And it might keep you from saying something you cant take back. That makes it worth having in your caregiving arsenal.
It's sad in a way, because no matter how old we are, we want to be the child of our parents. But dementia robs us of that role when we become caregivers. I found that the strategy of treating my mother like a best friend helped both of us in the long run.
If your mom told her best friend that she was going to hire help, the friend would congratulate her and tell her it was a smart move. She wouldn't cry and think "oh, you don't love me any more!" Try shifting into the best-friend mode when you are with your mother.
There are resources available for seniors to hire home helpers to do errands, light housekeeping, and laundry. Having someone else do this so that you and your mom could do enjoyable things together could help you stop dreading visits with your mom.
Go out to lunch with her or go shopping - whatever the two of you enjoy doing together. Tell her she looks great, compliment her, let her know that you care.
If she starts complaining about something you've done/not done, try to stay calm and react as a friend would do: "I'm sorry you feel that way. I'll try to do better." Then change the subject. If she continues, you can just calmly say that it seems like this might not be a good time to visit and you'll come back another time. Then leave.
Also, find a support group near you and see your doctor for a complete checkup. You sound like you may already be suffering from depression and caregiver burnout. Take care of yourself first, or your health will be compromised.
Keep us posted. We all know what you are going through. And you definitely are a good daughter!
but she complains nothing is being done????Fairies don't come and clean the house mom.....This is me after 6 months of dealing with mom's depression on meds......and I am only there 4 hours at a time...My brother lives full time and is finally reached his limit.....This illness is a bitch.....
Add in a history of emotional/mental illness that had its impact when my brother and I were very young, and the stew is thick indeed.
Time now to protect your health and sanity, do your best for your parents remembering as others have suggested that pushing your emotional buttons is how she continues to get her way with you and that you will never, ever, ever be able to do the thing that she wants most: to restore her old life of health, happiness, and control. A while back I started picturing a frightened, caged animal when I was taking a verbal lashing. It helped somewhat in recognizing her fear; but the unfortunate best news is that when I get pushed to the limit and lash back (not something I'm proud of), progression of dementia means they ultimately don't remember 2 minutes ago, regardless of what happened.
In sum: 1) guard your health and mental/emotional well-being; 2)protect your relationship with your husband--he's more your family now; 3)continue to do the best you can for your parents without expectations of appreciation or even understanding from them--it sounds like you are going about it the right way to investigate the possibilities and seek advice from others; 4)create those boundaries suggested by others (--angry elders, just like children in a tantrum, CAN have their behavior modified when it isn't tolerated and that refusal to tolerate is quietly and gently repeated); 5)don't be afraid to use those other resources (like housecleaners even knowing that neither will it be the perfect or final solution, just a stop-gap); 6)don't put too much confidence in the medical community--I, too, have found that to be the weakest link; 7)keep a sense of humor!!!!; and 8)press on with others' support, advice and prayers! You are not alone.
p.s. A book, Elder Rage, is a true account of a daughter's extreme experience with her parents but also provides some good insight and suggestions for many of us. If nothing else, it makes one appreciate when their situation isn't so dramatic!
I live with her, but am usually in my TV room because I can't handle her negativity. Love your parents, but set boundaries. If she doesn't respect them, tell her you won't visit as often. She will then try to make you feel worse. If she does, turn around and walk out the door. You have to stick to what you say or she will not respect you & she will continue being abusive. I would also suggest not talking to her for a couple of weeks, so you can breathe -- and come up with a plan.
You are a good daughter. YOU KNOW that. Don't let her make you feel otherwise. I swear your Mom sounds so much like mine, but mine has Alzheimer's Dementia.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
YOU are doing what you can do. Put yourself first.
I gave what I thought was support. Get ready, get prepared, more effort is needed. These are lessons I wish someone had told me when I first started taking care of my Dad.
I am leaving the forum. I come here for advice not support. I try to give the same. I can see my actions are hurtful and unneeded. My stress levels are already soaring, I will find a group that allows all personality types.
Her getting in a cleaner is a good idea, not a criticism of you. She is certainly phrasing it like a criticism, but it's actually an excuse. She can blame you or her own declining health for things having slipped a bit round the place - oh! and guess which she picked?! Why she feels she needs an excuse to get help in when she and your father are ill and need a hand, who can say; but it doesn't matter. It'll do them good, you'll have more time to laugh and look at pictures when you visit instead of spending hours cleaning and getting less than zero thanks for it, and the shiny clean house (hm. Hope she knows some good cleaners) will be a lift to her spirits.
Also she's ill, afraid and probably in pain; she's probably terrified about your father as well. Not good for anyone's temper. Tell her when what she says is hurtful and makes you sad, but if it doesn't get you anywhere don't waste time fighting about it. You know why she's doing it; try to separate it from the real her and then maybe, I hope, it will hurt less.
Don't you dare feel guilty. If you didn't care, her attitude couldn't hurt you, could it? You have nothing to feel guilty about. xxx