How can I care for my elderly mother if my husband doesn't want her in our home?

I feel very sorry that your husband chooses to put you in such a difficult predicament especially because it seems to be more about the money than anything else. I think if you have the funds necessary to pay for a nice motel or hotel room for your mother and yourself you should try to do this for a few weeks in a row. This might make your husband even more angry. However he might quietly accept your display of strength; and by taking your mother and yourself away from his angry rantings you will feel less stress and will possibly be able to make it a quality time for your mother, and that would benefit you. It seems you are surrounded by weak (your brother) and/or angry men (your husband and your nephew). You have to look out for your health so you can look after your mother's wellbeing. A few days of quiet and normalcy in a comfortable room at a nice local motel or hotel is the least you deserve and you should move forward on this good idea of yours, and do it sooner rather than later. Good luck to you and God bless.

madeline

The grandson should be taking care of her, period. She supports him and so it's his job. Unless you take a firm stand your husband will ditch you and the whole sorry mess. Do you want that? Sorry to sound harsh, but you need to get some big girl panties and take a long hard look at the situation.

Has your mother and husband ever gotten along with each other?

His saying mean things about her so that she will hear him and want to leave is not right and sounds like he could use some therapy to deal with his anger. Has she been mean to him over the years?

I read your profile and see that your mom has dementia. As this worsens, she is going to find it difficult to handle moving around from one persons house to another for 2 or 3 nights. At some point in her decline, she is going to need 24/7 care which will become beyond what any of you can handle separately or together.

My mother in law has never liked me and for that fact would have not liked any man with any backbone who married her daughter. She doesn't like my brother in law either and he is a passive, needy person.

She has been mean to me, my children and to my wife. After ten years of putting up with this narcissistic, borderline witch, it reached a point where the drama was so bad when she would visit, that I decided for the well being of my family and me that her mother would no longer be allowed to stay in our house. I also told her that I really did not want her visiting her mother with the boys for they appeared to being used as a buffer between her and her mother. If she wanted to go visit the source of all of her own mental health problems fine, but I was tired of such a sicking person wrecking havoc in our family at home and on vacations which at that point she was no longer allowed to come along on because of her drama.

At first my wife agreed with this, but then she backed down by letting her mother stay with us to which I responded by taking the boys away from the house while her mother visited. That got her attention, but then she caved in again. Well, that time the boys and I did not leave which threw her mother for a loop and I was so glad to hear her say in the morning that she was not going to stay with us again.

A bit later on, my wife was visiting in her mother's house with the boys and witnessed her mother being abusive of our children like her mom had abused her and her twin sister. Well, I was not there to fight her battle which her therapist thought was great. My wife took our children and left that visit early. From that point on, she became more pro-active about her mother and set up some needed boundaries. Her mother has calmed down some with age and with knowing she is not going to see her grandchildren if she were to keep abusing them.

I've shared all of this to say that if your mother has been mean like that to your husband, I can understand why he does not want her at home. However, his making mean comments about her so that she can hear him and his nagging you about her are not correct. You need some sort of break from all of this drama. The grandson sounds like a lazy, angry man who is milking grandma for all of the money he can. What does he have to be so angry about for he's got it made and will get the inheritance? For years my wife put up with her mother's abuse and wanted the rest of the family to so that her mother would not leave her out of the will. Then she reached the point where she saw that doing so was not worth all of that money. I'm sorry that you are caught in the middle between an angry husband and your mom's angry grandson. I'm not a therapist, but seeing one might help you deal with this stress before it kills you.

How come the grandson has more say and control over your mother's care than you and your brother do? I think you two need to stand up to him. Anyway, she is your mother, not his.

I wish you the best in working through all of this dysfunction.

If your husband doesn't want your mother in his home, that is his right and you should accept it. If you want to share in caring for your mother, that is your right and you should insist, as kindly as possible, on finding a way to do it. These things can be very difficult to reconcile, but where there's a will there's a way… (no pun intended).

Seriously, put any inheritance out of your mind. I have to say it makes me want to spit when squabbles break out about that. Is that why your family wants to look after your mother? In exchange for a mention in her will? Of course not. Leave it out of the picture and the whole thing becomes much less stinky.

Where does your mother ordinarily reside? Is the grandson living in what was her permanent family home? How far from you is that?

If it's within reasonable regular travelling distance, perhaps you could go and stay in her/their home for your part of the caring schedule. If your husband kicks up a fuss about your doing that, then at that stage he would be being unreasonable and you would have to be firm about it. I realise that this idea would also involve considerable effort on your part to sort matters out with your nephew beforehand; but from the sound of it you're not his principal bête-noire and it shouldn't be impossible.

If the distance is too far, then could you perhaps offer to provide a week's respite care at - say - two- or three-monthly intervals to whoever looks after her full-time?

Of course, either of these would depend on your not having other commitments, beside your husband, that would prevent you from staying away from home. You might have a job, or children, or pets, or anything else you can't easily leave to take care of itself - but your husband does not fall into this category. Nothing terrible will happen to him if he has to make his own dinner every so often.

The chopping and changing in any case doesn't sound ideal for an Alzheimer's sufferer. Continuity in surroundings is, I think I'm right in saying?, very important in reassuring them and helping them to cope with their confusion. Extremely difficult to achieve when the carers are having trouble co-operating.

This whole thing is very hard on you. I'm not suggesting there's an easy answer, especially not when you've got so many conflicting parties being mad at each other. Can I just add, don't fall in to the classic female trap of trying to please everybody? Maybe sit down with a big piece of paper, mind-map your priorities and see if you can't figure out a way forward. Once you're clear in your own mind about what ranks as most important, next important, less important and so on, perhaps it will be easier to find the right compromises.

Very hard. I'm sorry you're facing all this trouble in addition to the worry you must feel about your mother just on its own. I wish you every success in finding an answer you're comfortable with.

SAY TO YOUR HUSBAND - "I am so sorry that you are troubled every time my mom is here. However, it is difficult for me to tell my brother that I cannot take up the responsibility because my husband does not share a good rapport with my mom. I know it is my fault and my responsibility, but you don't know the support and love she gave to me when I was a kid. Now that she has turned to me and wants to spend some time with me, I can't say no. I know I was hurting you when I took up this responsibility and you never liked it but please understand that she is my mother and I need her as much as she needs me.''

ptg123 - everything you say is right, and reasonable, and fair. But if the husband isn't in the mood to be fair or reasonable..? I'm just anxious about how this would play out. x

Your mother's assets should be used for her care. If that means using it to pay for a hotel room fwo days a week to care for her, why not. Your husband makes a point about how he feels. My mother mentioned to me about moving in with my husband and I so she could preserve an inheritence for her heirs. I do all the work while others sit back and wait for their reward. Even though I am one of the heirs, why should I assume all the responsibilities so all can benefit. As DPOA for her, her assets will be used for her care. The team effort for the care of your mother is commendable, but compromises need to be made.

I think it's your husband who has to man up and do the right thing. Making passive-aggressive comments about your mom hoping she will hear him? How immature is that?? That's your mom. She has dementia. Why doesn't your husband go and stay in a hotel while your mom stays at your place? Why should you have to take your elderly mother with dementia to a hotel to care for her? I can't imagine anything more inconvenient.

I want to thank everyone for the suggestions. They are all very helpful and made me feel a little better. To answer some of the questions, my mother was never mean, but she was controlling. She controlled us by making us feel guilty. I forgive everyone else that has ever done anything to me, so I have to forgive her, she is my mother. Even though she has dementia, I sometimes wonder if she is still controlling us by making us feel guilty. I will never know, so I have to do whatever makes me feel that I am doing the right thing or else I will never be able to live with myself. I just wish everyone one would get along and make it easier on each other. My husband and my nephew are very much alike, with very strong personalities, so everyone does what they say (or makes them believe that) to avoid confrontation with them.
Again, I want to thank everyone. The replies were all a little different, but all of them were helpful. They make me look at things with a different perspective.
Thank you.

Oh, I forgot to mention. I work four jobs, have four children and 3 grandchildren. I am working at least 18 hours a day. I sleep very little, sometimes 4 or 5 hours.

"Oh, I forgot to mention. I work four jobs, have four children and 3 grandchildren. I am working at least 18 hours a day. I sleep very little, sometimes 4 or 5 hours."

Wow, @hepi22. That's a lot to take on and the situation with your mother and husband definitely makes it worse. I have no suggestions to give that most of the other people haven't said already. I just want to say that I admire how you're able to keep up with all of these and that you are in my prayers.


Gianna

Ah. Just caught hepi22's schedule back there.

Hepi22, what would happen to your husband, your mother, your children and grandchildren and your employers and co-workers if… anything happened to you?

Among that group, somewhere, some heads need knocking together. Who do you confide in? Because someone has got to call a family conference and get the focus on you before you break down. This can't go on. xxx

Has anyone asked mom what she wants to do if one of the 3 caregivers can no longer take their turn or when her conditions worsen? Does mom like this shuffle of living conditions?

Maybe better option is to get nephew some in home help (you and brother contribute) and you and brother arrange visits or your caregiving duties so that nephew gets his break.

How can you take care of your elderly mother if you work 18 hours a day? Do you work these jobs on the days she is with you? Who really takes care of her, then?

One of my jobs is outside the home. That is the reason I can only take care of her 2 days a week. The two days are Sunday, and one of the days that I work from home. I have three jobs that I do from home. therefore, I can take care of her and do my jobs at the same time. I make her three meals per day and if she wants a snack in between I can do that too.
To answer the other questions, the nephew does not want anyone in their home to help him out. Just like he said we could not hire someone to take care of her at my brother's. It's a very difficult situation when someone doesn't want to cooperate. Well, I am trying to do the best I can with what I have. I need my 4 jobs because my husband is disabled, so he doesn't work.
I think someone mentioned something about the money not being important, and of course it is not, but if I was going to get some money in the end, I may be able to quit the job outside my home and take care of her more days. I just can't pay my bills if I don't work and no one is going to help me. As it is, I am always buying her clothes and of course she eats here 2 days a week and it all comes out of my paycheck. No help from anyone. I am fine with not getting anything in the end, I have assumed that already. I just can't help her anymore than what I do, since I have to work.
I'm sorry, I made this a little too long again, but it helps me to write this down and then read it. It's somewhat therapeutic. Thanks for reading and for all the suggestions and comments. I really appreciate it all.

Apartment is the better option i think. Also you should a elder sitter for your mom.

I keep reading and re- reading your post to make sure I have it right!

You are a very busy women my heart goes out to you.

What would happen if you just took your Mom one day a week? Maybe Sunday and got out for a drive and lunch! Or send your husband out for the day? I'm really trying not understand your difficult situation.

Trying "TO" understand your situation.

Your first responsibility is to your husband, not your mother. Even if he seems to be mean or unfair about the situation, he is still your primary responsibility. If caring for your mom extra days is too much for the nephew, then perhaps professions in home care or an assisted living facility should be considered. Good luck. (I don't think my husband could tolerate being around my AD mom for long periods of time either).

Please try to solve one problem at a time. Your husband isn't cooperating or even being reasonable. How does he figure that any inheritance would be his, anyway? If you would be happier in an apartment, do it. The stress will kill you.

Hepi22, I know how you feel about how your husband not getting along with your MOm. It stressed me also when I have been feeling that way as well. I would always do all that I could for my mom and that's they way it is. When she comes to your home, hubby should treat her as her guest. Being respectful. Helping you with your mom is showing respect for you as well. My husband doesn't think highly of my mom either. However, he has been helpful with lifting wheelchair into the car, groceries, driving to appointments on a real snowy day to make it easier to help mom out of the car, changing a lightbulb, picking up meds at the pharmacy. RESPECT helps everybody get along. And everybody must put in an honest effort.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Equinox

The grandson was given all of her inheritance but he sounds like a lazy bum who basically has been supported by grandma correct? Does he live in grandma's house? Do all of you basically share in the care of grandma to be able to keep her home and any monies that she may have in a banking account? Who holds Power of Attorney for your Mom? Is it the grandson?

Whoever holds the POA (hopefully NOT grandson) needs to step up and start making some decisions to care for your mother on an ongoing basis. If nothing else either you or your brother need to file for guardianship if necessary. With dementia your mother will very soon not be able to handle changing homes every couple of days, they need stability and they need for everything to basically be the same routine every day, it is very upsetting to them.

Your husband is demanding and resentful of his past treatment by your mother and you are afraid to cross him on this point. If you weren't you would be standing up to him telling him........
"Look I understand that you and Mom have been at odds for years and for that I am sorry. This however is MY MOTHER who is old and now mentally ill and she needs my help. This entire situation is extremely stressful and quite honestly I do not need you making it any worse than it is. If this was YOUR mother I am sure you would want me to respect her and her illness, I therefore need you to show Me and MY Mother the same respect, my mother is ill and maybe some of the problems you two had in the past was this illness coming on, but I need to show my mother all the love and respect that I can show her through this illness, after all she did give birth to me. I would therefore appreciate you giving me a break, knock off the disrespectful remarks and attitude, I understand where you are coming from but I need you to understand that you are not just hurting her, you are hurting me as well, so please be the bigger person in all of this and if you cannot say something nice, please just keep it to yourself. When my mother dies, I do not want to spend the rest of my life agonizing or thinking about how my mother was mistreated in her last days, this is going to make my life miserable."

You have to take the inheritance totally out of the equation, what if your Mom was flat broke, how would you and your brother care for her? If your Mom cannot be taken care of by splitting time between the 3 of you then why not put her into assisted living where she will get to know the home and people and be in the same environment, day in and day out, then you can all go see her and spend time with her.

Your nephew may not wind up with any inheritance to speak of, her money may have to be used to pay for assisted living or a nursing home. All of her money that she currently has is suppose to be used on HER and HER healthcare, NOT ON HER GRANDSON!! Who is in charge of her money???? If she becomes ill enough she will need to go into a nursing home and they are expensive, most people anymore wind up having to go on Medicaid to help pay the expense of it. Medicaid does a 5 year look back on every cent that was spent of hers and if it was not going towards HER CARE it becomes a penalty of sorts and they will not pay for her care for a period of time to make up for squandered funds. If she owns a home it too may wind up having to be sold or it may be taken by Medicaid after her death to repay them. These are all things you MUST think about NOW!!!

Bottom line is your husband may have a right to feel the way he does or he just may be acting like a jerk and putting more pressure on you and making a difficult situation into an impossible one. You sound like you are afraid of him so you are going to have to make a call on what you do, personally if it was my husband I would tell him what I wrote above....basically backoff!

The grandson may have the inheritance but you can always gain guardianship of her which trumps POA. Make sure HER needs are met and that grandson is not throwing away her money and then there be a huge problem when your Mom needs medical help and you find there is no money or home left.

I am very sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. Caring for a person with dementia/Alzheimer's gets more difficult as their condition becomes worse, it is the most difficult thing I have ever done and it can ruin a marriage and disrupt your household.

God Bless You!

As the dementia progresses, rotating homes will be imparctical. She will
need more routine and things such as safety rails. Awesome that you can rotate the companionship duties, if she were in a home you guys can take turns visiting and being companions, rather than frayed caregivers, and each go home at night to your spouse. Of course, assets should go to paying for this, meaning grandson will see his inheritance diminish.

A NH or ALF is sometimes a necessity and really is not that bad if the family visits often. The sad part of a facility some residents are dropped of and seldom visited by their families. You can visit mom and take her out to dinner or ice cream or for a walk in the park. You may actually enjoy your time together more.....kind of like being the fun Sunday dad as opposed to the do-your-homework mom.

You mentioned your husband and mom have not gotten along in a while and that she had made some mistakes. It would be wonderful if he could forgive and not put you in such a difficult position, but he is not inclined to do so. Without knowing he cause or death of the rift I wil not judge. I personally do not believe age, frailty or illness buy you automatic forgiveness. Actions have consequences, if she had a bad relationship with her SIL, you cannot blame him for not wanting to take on the huge responsibility of caring for her.

Money - and probably possession or ownership of the house - IS in the equation here.

First, though, your husband is being a passive aggressive child, putting you through unnecessary agony to get you to do what he wants you to do. You don't specify his age or disability, perhaps it has something to do with that (AND btw, isn't there some kind of at home work your husband could do to bring in a few extra dollars? I can't remember the exact amount but I believe disabled people are allowed to earn a certain amount without losing all their benefits). But he should LOVE YOU enough not to continue bashing you about this as you try to work it out. AND you should LOVE HIM enough to put some effort into doing that. I can see his side of this too because you are (a) working yourself to death, and (b) FOLLOWING ORDERS FROM S TYRANNICAL NEPHEW!

Why aren't you and your brother, the nephew's father, presenting a united front with the "young man" (or HOW OLD IS HE?). Which is to say, why doesn't your brother see the writing on the wall, have your back (not to mention his mother's), and the two of you stand together and refused to take mom out of her home. You can offer to give him respite in her home, without the trauma and drama of moving her.

Give him, say, a month's notice, effective blah blah day, that you will no longer be transporting mom do either of your houses. I believe you can already make a pretty good case that nephew is not properly caring for mom, and that he may in fact be inappropriately living off of funds that he shouldn't be using. Go together with your brother and have a sit down pow wow with nephew, at the same time informing him of the fiduciary responsibility he has with your moms money and that if he does not agree to cooperating, you and your brother will be filing in court for guardianship. If the two of you don't do anything before, the time you're going to find out about ill spent money is when your mom has to be put in an institution that's paid for by Medicaid and they do the five-year look back. When they disallowed payment for the nursing home, and all of moms money is gone, are you and your brother going to come up with the monthly payment?

I don't think you can. It sounds like you're working way over time just to make ends meet right now. Talk to your brother first. It would be 1000's of times easier to do this together. Otherwise, and here's the hard part, you may have to back out of the caregiving arrangement and just go to court.

Hi Equinox. It sounds like your husband is being helpful and you should be thankful for that. Mine will never be helpful. As a matter of fact he has already told me so. I wish it could be that simple.
As for Holycow, your suggestions were the best ones, but I have tried talking to my husband and it just doesn't work. He has never had that much respect for me either. I just have taken it for 39 years, and I am a very positive person (just like my dad), so I try to make the best of everything. My children are great and I am so thankful for that. I just don't think it's fair to involve them in the care of grandma, since she is leaving everything to her other grandson only. One of them who lives closeby, and his wife, do take care of her for a few hours once in a while and they are very loving to her. They just have their own life and children and I don't think they should do what I have done all my life (which is think only of the others and not of myself).
A few months before my mom had the stroke which left her with the dementia, I asked her to go to an attorney and sign a Power of Attorney that would let my brother and I have a say in her care, etc. She did not want to do that and said, no because she wanted everything to go to her grandson and period. I did not want to insist. Now, of course, yes, her grandson is on all of her accounts and on the deed of the house, so I have no say in her money at all. My brother says he will have to pay out of pocket if she ever need the care. I just can't imagine not being able to talk to your own son about these important matters, but that is how things are. Of course I can't talk, because I can't talk to my husband about important matters either. Both my husband and nephew have very strong personalities and do not give an inch, so why try?
I take care of all the important matters in my household (health, financial, care, etc.). I have always done so. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but my husband is a dialysis patient and needs care to. This makes things much harder for me because I have to choose between making both him and my mom have a better life. Having her at home also makes him unhappy and it is his home. I understand everyone's point of view, but I am in the middle of it all and I just don't know what to do. I have had many trials in my life and have had to deal with them, sometimes not wanting to go on with my life. I am not brave enough to end it myself, but I am really not scared to die, to me it is just part of life. Don't worry about that, I will not do anything drastic. I love my children too much to put them through that.
Thanks for all your suggestions. You may not think so, but they help me temendously. You have all become my friends through this website. Thank you.

Why is your mother favoring this specific grandson? Why you and your brother remain loyal to your mother, even when her loyalties are only for the grandson is perplexing. Your mother is getting all this care from different people, but only chooses one to reap all the benefits. If you and your brother decided not to care for your mother, what would the Golden Grandson do? How do your own children feel about this favortism to the one grandchild? What do you want for yourself?

The reason for her favoring him is that he did not have a mom and she raised him. Therefore, he is like her youngest son. My children have mentioned it a few times, but we have all assumed it and that's the way it is. There is no changing her mind. We wouldn't really try anyways. It is her money and her will. I will never do that myself, I will be fair and divide it equally. I may ask my children to pay whoever takes care of me when I'm older, whether it is one of my children or a caretaker, but that is it.

Hepi, I agree, it is her money - and while she lives it should be spent on her care. If her grandson is POA and acting in that capacity, he has a legal duty to ensure that her money is spent only for her benefit. I am beginning not to like the sound of this at all.

I am glad that your children behave lovingly to their grandmother without regard to the content of her will. That is as it should be. I also respect your reluctance to burden them with more involvement than is fair; but do give them a chance to say what they think is fair, too.

Quite apart from your mother's care, and the worries associated with it, you need more support. Since your brother, your nephew, your mother, your husband and your children all seem to revolve around you, they need to be got together for head-banging purposes before they lose the centre of their world. Don't you think your children might be able, and would want, to help with that?

It explains your mother's preference. This round robin team of caregiving is working in your mother's favor so far. Eventually your mother is going to need stability in a one place caregiving situation. Then what?

hepi22: I feel sorry for you; you are basically in a no win situation. Your overall situation bothers me at this point as it seems that you live a life trying to just "lay low and stay out of everyone's way." This is a horrible life to live but it seems that you have lived this way with your mother and your husband as well. I honestly cannot imagine that you are not depressed at least periodically. The treatment you received from your husband is verbally and mentally abusive, this may have been the same treatment you received from your mother during your childhood as well...I do not know, but I do feel sorry for you.

hepi, you have to ask yourself if you can really handle taking care of your Mom and do you really WANT TO? If your answer is "No I do not really want to and this has become a burden for me," then you need to tell your brother and nephew that you will not longer be able to care for her. Be honest with them, that due to your husband's illness and strong unforgiving attitude you just can no longer care for your Mom, even though you wish you could. Just make sure that you will be able to live with your choices, because once you tell this grandson, he may try to cut you out of her life entirely. If you could perhaps you could go over and care for her during the day at his home so he could still leave and run errands but you would be in his home. If you cannot do it this way and have to just back out completely then do what you must. Grandson may have to hire an in home health care worker to care for your Mom at home on the days he wants off. My worry would be, if he might abuse your Mom, because they become very difficult to handle.

Your mother basically wrote her own fate and you cannot be held responsible for what SHE has chosen. I do not know your family dynamic but I do not understand anyone who leaves everything in their life to one grandson, passing up her own children and additional grandchildren. She refused to assign you or your brother her power of attorney so she sealed her fate.... The ONLY thing you can do is file for guardianship if you still feel compunction to protect your mother and provide for her and make sure she is not being robbed by the grandson. This act does take a bit of work, an attorney is needed and doctors will need to sign letters for you. This is the only way you or your brother will ever have a say in your Mom's care from now on.

Your brother does not have POA for your mother, is what it sounds like you are saying. If this is the case and his name is on nothing for healthcare then you and your brother should have a say so in what goes on, at least as much if not more than the grandson. The grandson has his name on her bank accounts so as far as the bank is concerned he owns 1/2 of the assets. In the eyes of Medicaid, your Mom owns it all and if he is spending any of her money on himself, he is going to be in a world of hurt when he tries to seek care for her.

I do not know if getting a social worker or Adult Protective Services involved would do anything to help or not. It is like you need someone to walk in and tell grandson, to haul out his records and prove that he is not squandering her funds.

Telling someone not to feel guilty is really a stupid thing to say because we all feel some amount of guilt no matter what we do, but your Mom had many chances to make things right and yet she chose to leave her life in the hands of her grandson and by pass you and your brother entirely. Therefore if you find that you must walk away, try to do so without guilt, these were your mother's wishes and now she must live with them.

Please seek psychiatric therapy for yourself. I see someone every single week and it really makes a difference to talk things out with someone not involved and it and helps you obtain a clearer prospective of the entire situation, including your husband.

Good Luck and God Bless!