As I reported before, Mom was placed in a NH hundreds of miles away from me. I am disabled, poor, and so is my husband. He has a touch of dementia. Mom recently had a turn for the worse and wasn't eating or drinking liquids. They got her to eat a bit and drink a little. She was sleeping most of the time and has grown quite weak. She is going downhill. I am able to make it there about once a month, but its a stretch. We have perfectly good NHs in my town but the POA says no to them. So my cousin just lost her mother. So she says stuff to make me feel guilty about not going to see my mother. She doesn't say this to be mean, just says it b/c she, like me, knows the end is near or not too far away. But Mom could hang on for another year or so. Physically she is healthier than me. About how often should I go see Mom? POA is wealthy, healthy, and young. She goes there quite often but won't take me with her. Right now I am feeling like I "should" go there. But its a long drive, I am in pain all the time, have an older car, there is no public transportation, like busses out here in the boondocks, the wilderness. The traffic is bad where she is and I am not a city driver and neither is my husband. The highway to get there is narrow but lots of traffic. I am just overwhelmed with all this. I am afraid she will die before I get there again. She was a very good mother. I was really blessed to have such good parents. If I press the POA for a ride, she says no. If I press POA to bring Mom closer to our city, she says no. So far I have not been able to find anyone who going to that city so that I could catch a ride. So to sum it up, I feel badly about not seeing Mom very often. What should I do?
I can tell by your write up you have such a dear and kind heart. Go when you can. Do what you can. God knows our intentions and our hearts.
This will let your mom know you are thinking of her often, and that you do want to visit but just can't often. A couple hours once a week and for very little money (use bits of nature, a variety of stamps bought off ebay second hand, color pencils and your imagination) you could have 4 cute handmade cards (check the internet for crafty ideas) and notes ready to go for the whole week.
It will be work, but it should also help alleviate the guilt you're feeling and also put smiles on your mom's face between visits. Maybe not at first, but surely as more and more cure cards arrive and people at the NH begin to notice and comment. How special do you think that's going to make your mom feel?
Remember though, if you start this, you'll be committed to keeping it up as long as she is in her right mind mentally. But what a wonderful way to say, hey, mom...I'm far away, I can't be with you, but I sure do love you. And what price feeling guilt free about not being able to visit as often as you'd like. Then, those times when actually do go to visit will be all the more special for not having to be filled with your guilt about not being able to visit so often. After all, through your special cards, you're visiting several times a week!
So is the POA a relative of yours? The way you write about her, it sounds like she isn't. Can you talk to your mom on the phone? Contact someone at the facility where she is to see if they have some way you could send a video via cellphone. Find a young relative or friend with a cell phone and have them tape you talking to your mom. Send that to a staff member at the facility who can show it to your mom. Those are just the first thoughts that come to my mind. If I think of more, I'll let you know. The most important thing is to let your mom know you love her and she was a good mom. If you can't do that in person, find another way to get that message to her. A stamp is less than 50 cents. Good luck and keep us posted!
As for your sister, remember, she has it easy being right there. It's no effort at all for her to visit with mom. Regardless how many times she visits, this isn't a competition. This is life and you are entitled to yours, guilt free. You'd only be doing what your mom would want I'd bet... and that's living your life as happily as you can.
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