I have FMLA. My mom has Alzheimer's with Vascular Dementia. I am her only caregiver. She lives with me. I have good days and bad days with my mom. She is 69 years old. I am not ready to count her out just yet. My job has given me grief when I use the time to deal with home problems prior to me coming to work or leave early to care for her. I was told that the FMLA was only for doctor appointments and such. I provided my supervisor with another copy of my FMLA packet signed by my Mom's doctor that states daily care and such is to be done as well as doctor's appointments. I feel as though I am not able to take off w/o some backlash. What should I do? How should I handle this professionally?
get them to understand the policy, I will take a leave of absence while contacting a lawyer and suing for this. Oh no, it doesn't have to come to that, I was told. Guess what? I am no longer concerned about what the have to say, because my Mom is my #1 concern and this job is not going to cause me to forget what's important in my life!
First know your right's, your company offers an FMLA and that means they need to honor it, stick by it's written parameters at least. It would be nice and probably better for everyone if your supervisor not only understood the purpose of the FMLA as written but the need and had some understanding of what you are dealing with, he or she obviously does not and doesn't have any interest in trying too. That's unfortunate but probably not unusual, I imagine most people who have never been a caregiver for aging LO or close to an Alzheimer patient want to be caring but in the work environment all they see is you coming and going as you please. It's hard to associate that with what you are doing instead of being at the office and have no conception that most of the time you would much rather be dealing with work and the office than home attending to the current crisis. They have no idea the mental and physical exhaustion, much like someone with a long term illness everyone is attentive and sympathetic at first when things are in the initial "crisis" stage but tend to forget as time goes on and assume "the worst is over", they aren't trying or meaning to be unsupportive or insensitive it's just inexperience I guess. Probably similar in your office so you may need to make the attempt to help them understand without loosing your cool. Putting in the extra effort to make sure your work is done and it isn't as disrupting from the accomplishment perspective of your employer will help too. Funny thing, my son was a high level ski racer and as a sophomore went off to a winter term ski academy, their students followed the home schools curriculum with tutors to teach the information but at his level he traveled so much he was mostly doing the work on his own, he discovered how much wasted time there was in a school day because he was able to achieve honor roll doing the lions share of his work the week before going back to his home school and turning it all in. My point being you may find you learn to budget your time and work smarter both at your employment and at home out of pure necessity and it might be harder for your supervisor to complain if you are still getting all your work done well. But try sharing some of the day to day mini crisis or even gifts (I took Mom out for a drive last night and it really seemed to calm her down, well worth the effort of getting her to the car!) but not in a complaining way. When you come in late or leave early let your supervisor or desk mate know why, give them a glimpse.
If at all possible, I think we have to face the heart rendering solution of a nursing home, or some kind of nursing at home. I do not have answers, there are likely no good answers in our society. I empathize with you, and I wanted to let you now that. I hope it gives you a moment of relief.
If you call in, come in late, leave early for other reasons, is it possible some of the conversations are because of that and not the fmla. Personal leave and fmla have to be tracked separately.
The other thing to consider is coworkers who may be complaining to the supervisor if they have to handle your job when you're out, have to complete assignments for you, handle phone calls that are yours. The correct reply from supervisor should be the matter is between her and you, however in many settings it is discussed in your absence. Do your best to be punctual when you are at work and spend your time with your nose to the grindstone to avoid animosity from coworkers.
What is your plan if you happen to exhaust your fmla? Employer will no longer be required to hold a job open for you. Maybe if you start working on Plan B, you can incorporate that in with your current plan to stretch the fmla and be at work more than you are now.
Your situation is very common. Most employers do not understand the issues of caregivers jobs. You have to educate them Read some of their free blogs. Go to the CareWIse Corner for free materials. Their training courses are very helpful... see them in the Learning Center.
One would also lose the company paid cost of health insurance which is quite expensive and that many tend to forget when figuring up lost wages.
One would lose company sponsored matching for one's 401k. Thus, for every dollar you put into 401k, the company will match that dollar. I realize not all employees offer this.
One would lose paid vacation days, and paid sick days.
One would lose company sponsored profit sharing. I realize not all employees offer this.
One would lose funds being placed in Medicare and Social Security.
One would lose company sponsored life insurance, and workman's comp. And even tuition reimbursements.
There was an article many years ago in Reuters about how much money one would lose if resigning from work to care for a parent. The amount was between $280k and $350k [amounts from 2013 article] for the years lost with no employment.
Right now mom is either dehydrated or gets UTIs all the time. I go to the Emergency Room monthly...sometimes more often than that just to get her hydrated and start her on antibiotics. Hospices for some odd reason do not do IV fluids for hydration. But remember you DO have the right to take her to the ER as long as you tell hospice first.
If your mom has some financial means you can live off her estate in exchange for full time care. See a eldercare attorney -- for whatever your choice. You will need estate planning regardless of nursing home placement (requiring Medicaid preparation) or you doing all the care. POWER OF ATTORNEY must be established. If she is not cognizant you will need to petition the Court through your lawyer.
Hiring a sitter who does nothing but watch the patient is $20 an hour at an agency. This involves NO hands-on care. If you hire someone off the street you don't know what you are bringing into your home and they can claim to fall in your house and sue your estate. That's why it's best to use a reputable agency that is both licensed AND INSURED for workman's comp so they can't sue you.
It takes nearly an hour to get her bowels to move and she is often dead weight. If that is the life you want then care for her at home.
What needs to be done is to take a few weeks of FMLA and find a full time placement for your mom. Expecting your work to allow you to come and go as you please is not fair to them or your co-workers. I was a manager when I had an employee who had a medical issue that felt she should be able to show up to work when/if she wanted. It was a nightmare for me because I never knew if I was going to have to do my job and her's as well. If I kept up her work and she showed up then she sat around with nothing to do. I wasn't getting paid any more to do her job as well as mine. Heck yes I resented it. It would have been easier if she asked for a leave of a month or two to get her life straightened rather than leaving on an almost daily basis. At least I would know what I was dealing with. It is not fair to your employer to expect them to tolerate you leaving at any given moment.
1. Hire an in home caregiver during the day while you are at work.
2. Look into placing your Mom into an adult day care while you're at work.
3. Ask your boss about working from home.
4. Seek employment opportunities elsewhere. You can also speak with an employment attorney to find out if you have any legal recourse against your employer.
5. Get a written caregiver contact in place where your Mom pays you. This'll replace your lost income from work.
6. If Mom becomes a danger to herself and you cannot help her any further, she may need to be placed in a facility.
Hope this helps.
1. Are you prepared financially to care for your mother, 24/7 at some point?
A. Yes. Hire caregiver
B. No. Do not quit job or jeopardize it. Who is going to help you when you need it? Look into outside sources to help.
2. Does mom have assets that can help?
A. Yes - use them to hire help or find a good care center
B. No - Look into Medicare to help.
Many threads here from readers that resigned, retired etc to help parents. Many regrets and wishes they had done something different that would have benefitted them and the parent. Please read these..
Bottom line - you are avoiding the inevitable and jeopardizing your health and future financial position if you continue to avoid the hard decision. You are also handicapping your employer because they need work done too. Don’t be surprised if something negative happens, it seems that it’s already a problem - and trust me, going to HR would only make it worse for you.
I wish you luck and hugs...nobody prepares us for these difficult times in life. Let us know what you decide to do.
If not you should start now, what your ex is doing to your daughter and her life is selfish and unfair, don't join him by doing it to your son.
Somethings gotta give.
You have options.
*Quit your job so you can care for Mom (difficult option financially as well as emotionally and physically)
*Hire someone to care for Mom while you are at work. (difficult option you work at work then come home and work, where is family time and some "me" time)
*Place Mom in Adult Day Care while you are at work and you can hire someone to help you out when she is at home. (pretty good option if there is day care near you)
*Any of the options above but realize that she will need more care than you can give her and that Memory Care placement might have to be an option.
Your Mom is young and she may have a pretty long journey ahead of her. Can you continue to take FMLA for the next 12 to 15 years? My Husband was diagnosed when he was 65 and "survived" for 12 years. I was lucky he was compliant and I was retired. So he was easy to care for and I had the time to care for him.
There are Geriatric Care Managers that can take her to appointments and do many of the things that you are taking time off work to do. This might cut down on the time you have to take off.
The difficult thing is your Mom WILL continue to decline, your Mom WILL need more and more help this is not "counting her out" this is reality. This is a job that gets more difficult as time goes on.
I commend you for Caring for your Mom in your Home. However, Trying to Hold down this Job is like Having Two jobs Now.....
To help you out, I see you are in Baltimore - Here's a link to the Adult Day Care centers in Baltimore: https://www.maads.org/services/families
Hugs
My mom doesn’t live with me, but besides that you and I are the same! I’m an only child, work FT, single homeowner, and on a daily basis I’m struggling to give my employer what’s due. I have someone go to Mom every morning and some nights, I go some nights and weekend mornings. I got daily help at my house for my pets to lighten the load all round (best move I’ve made). I have a monthly cleaning lady and hope you do too. Fellows to do the lawn, etc. Please stop being a one-woman show, no one gets what they need including you.
Get advice and names of agencies to call from any of the caseworkers in your life. And contact the area agency on aging, as someone else suggested. Care agencies will send someone for 3 hours (typical minimum) at roughly $24/hour. *Good investment in keeping your income and independence.* Then see about someone coming 4-6 pm some weekdays so you can stay behind at work to make up anything as needed.
You’ll need to spend some of your income (well, and hers if she has it) to keep your income coming - smart financially, and for your sanity and peace. Good luck, I know how very hard this is. 💐
Is any of your work something that could be done from home? Is that a possibility? Do you want to keep this job/need to? You may want to reach out to Legal Aid for some guidance, to share with the employer on the ins and outs of FMLA. There are employment law specialists, but I fear the expense may be great. Or maybe help may be via an elder law attorney who is willing to do it for a flat rate. It may be as simple as a letter explaining, or just the fact that it is an attorney getting in the mix that will help the supervisor see the light. Of course you have to weigh that against any nasty backlash, but you seem to know what your priorities are.
I've also mentioned before the resource of your local Area Agency on Aging. They may have some caregiving resources you could use.
From the way you describe how you are using your FMLA it is not compliant with the actual rules. Scheduled time and emergencies are more what it covers, not daily unknown situations.
Coming in late, leaving early, you can't be counted on and that makes it very hard on your employer. I know that that sounds hard, but usually there is a job available because there is a need. Having an employee that you don't know when or if they are going to show up or when they will suddenly leave is not a sustainable way to run a business.
Your mom is only going to get worse, so you should start looking for a caregiver now, unless you plan on being her 24/7 caregiver.
My suggestion is to really look at your pattern of usage - you know when there are doctor's appointment so you can give your employer plenty of notice but it's the late arrival/early departure issues that are likely problematic. If you can get some help for your early mornings so you can get out of the house, or late afternoons so you don't suddenly have to jump out of your chair and rush home, your employer is going to be much more sympathetic to an occasional emergency. Or maybe you know that you will be two hours late everyday because you need to settle your mom for the day. HOWEVER, you will eventually run out of FMLA and then you are in serious trouble because you have no protections when you need time off. It is in your best interest to work with your employer on this issue because FMLA doesn't protect you from any performance issue so if your work is not up to standard FMLA doesn't protect you.
And yes, become familiar with what your employer’s guidelines are. It sounds like you use intermittent leave which is fine but realize you have to cooperate and work within your employer’s rules as well.
People take FMLA all the time. I never felt my employer treated me any differently because I took leave. And since I work with predominantly women of child bearing age, we all adjust & work carries on...
But realize too that once your 90 day FMLA is over you have to wait one entire year from the end date of your prior leave to be eligible for another FMLA.
So as others suggested, maybe schedule 2-3 MD appts for one day.
What your peers & bosses won’t appreciate is poor communication on your end where everyone is thrown to chaos due to lack of communication.
FMLA is a really good law, imo. It’s worked for me and many of my peers.
Work with your employer and things should work out.
Focus on getting a caregiver for your mother or think of AL,or NH as that may be in your mother’s future.
Your mother is 69 years old, and has Alzheimer's and vascular dementia (rough!). And you are working full time. And your mother lives with you, and you are her only caregiver.
Well! - you know you're going to have to make some radical decisions anyway, right, regardless of how sympathetic (or not) your employer is being in the short term? Your mother will not be able to be left alone. What then?
So, no time like the present, really. What options have you looked at?
This is unpaid leave, unless your company has Aflac type insurance where you can get part of your pay while out on FMLA.
Thus FMLA is just a band-aid for temporary medical issues. FMLA helps make sure that your job, or a similar job, is there waiting for you when you came back.