I am my mother’s primary and only caregiver, aside from people I get to help me when I can. I moved her next door to me and I am in and out all throughout the day. From getting her changed in the morning, to getting her changed and tucked in at night. Although I’m there a lot throughout the day, I have to keep each visit brief. I’m always kind and don’t let on that I feel this way at all, but being around her drives me nuts! The same questions over and over and over, the thanking me over and over (I know, it’s nice). We have nothing to talk about… it’s just the same f’n thing on rotation and it’s maddening! She also stares at me. How do you guys stand this? And the people that are actually in the same house? You must be saints. I want to try to make my visits longer but I end up feeling like, “I’ve got to get out of here!”
Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver and that's ok, but you have to know when to say enough is enough and do what's best for your mother and for yourself.
Best wishes in finding the right facility for your mother.
It sounds like your mother could use some socialization, like funkygrandma said, which would be found in a Memory Care AL, along with entertainment and caregivers who genuinely enjoy caring for elders with dementia. My mother truly loved her 'girls' as she called them, and they brightened her life on a daily basis. The parade of caregivers in and out of her room during the last week of her life was a testament to that. While my patience would have worn out in a few hours, theirs was unlimited since they all worked in shifts to accomplish what we'd be trying to do alone.
Think it over. It may be best for both of you.
Wishing you the best of luck.
She still lives independently, an hour away. When enough guilt builds up, say every couple of weeks, I drive over for lunch or a (short) visit, and from the minute I walk in the door, I feel like a caged animal desperate to flee. First, I have to turn OFF the blasting TV, otherwise I’d go deaf myself from the top volume. Then I start in with the usual banalities, which I have to practically SCREAM, and even then, she says, “What??” every other sentence. We “converse” (if you can call it that) about the exact same boring things we’ve been covering for the past couple of decades. It’s exhausting, maddening, and frustrating for us both.
I put a few things in her freezer that I’ve brought. I ask if she needs anything from the grocery store (she still drives, but going to the store would give me an excuse to take a break from the screaming). Then we run out of things to say/scream, and I say goodbye. Utterly wrung out, headachy, and grumpy.
It would almost be easier if she DID have dementia. Then we could sell her house, put her somewhere that accepts Medicaid, and spend down until that kicked in. But she is capable of ADLs, so—what? Even if she could remotely afford it, how long would she last, realistically, in IL, before needing AL, then…? Other than her hearing, she’s apparently made of hickory, and could well make it past 100, hemorrhaging $$$!
I have a sister who is MUCH closer to her, much fonder of her, and I keep hoping sister will invite her to move in, should things degenerate, as they are bound to do one day. But sister’s husband would put the kibosh on that scheme, no doubt, and who could blame him? Oh, dear.
These visits would be more bearable if I could have a couple of drinks beforehand, or better yet, while I am there. But the hour’s drive home…maybe next time I’ll hire an Uber, and stop by Le Wine Shoppe on the way…
I felt bad for my mom that I didn't want to spend more time with her. Caregivers are the solution to this. They come and doted on her for the hours they were here, as well as doing the chores and things for her that needed doing. It was so good for her. Try to line someone up at least twice a week for a couple hours. That will help your guilt and be good for your mom.
Conversations almost always go someplace miserable and I’m afraid I will say something I will regret so I leave.
I moved her into a memory care. Every time I visit, it's almost the same...she's visiting with her lady friends, having the same conversation they were the last time I visited, as if they are living in a real life "Groundhog Day" movie. At least she's getting socialization instead of telling store clerks and strangers in the store line that she's a widow and lives alone now, attending activities and art classes and doing fun things...easily confirmed because I see her in photos on their Facebook page, smiling and participating. And no more paying money and gift cards to scammers. I couldn't get her to stop. And now I'm having to clean up the financial mess and angry at the money that was wasted over the years (because I also found out this started when my dad was alive - he passed away almost 3 years ago - and the money paid to scammers makes me want to cry).
Do what you need for your own mental and emotional health. I limit my visits to twice a week max. More than that is just too much and too depressing, especially when she gets on her kick of "I hate it here, there isn't enough to do, I miss my house, I was doing OK at my house" (and no, she wasn't, but she doesn't understand that what was going on was dangerous). I live less than 10 minutes away and could easily visit daily, but I don't. It isn't good for me, and I can't properly take care of her business if I am not in the right frame of mind. I'm learning to just let her yammer on about whatever and simply interject an Ok or "that's interesting" every once in a while, or occasionally ask a question if there's something I need to know. Protect yourself. That's the only way you will be able to protect her.