I was married to my husband 7 years ago. He is 78 and I am 66. I knew him from church for many years before he asked me out and in church he was always a nice guy with good manners. After being married a year he admitted that he married me for my "mind" and my "money" and didn't ask me out sooner because of my "weight issue." Over the years he has been verbally and emotionally abusive with a little physical abuse thrown in (pushing/shoving). He wanted to sell his house and use that money to build a house "we" could move to in the southwest (we live in the Northeast). He did sell his house, moved into mine, refused to contribute a penny to household costs and built the house he wanted. Now he wants me to set up this new place and move him there where he will live alone. Well, he has been evaluated to need an assisted living level of care and cannot be left alone because of his Alzheimer's. I have been a reluctant caregiver but make sure he is comfortable and well cared for. His physician wants him in assisted living for his good and in many ways for mine. I am having some major health issues. We can afford AL - being very fortunate in that he has two long term care policies. However, he absolutely refuses to go and when I try to discuss it with him he gets irritable, agitated and starts to plot ways to get to his new house by himself. His license was revoked months ago after a road test and he cannot drive but says he will anyway to get there. I have POA and I am his Health Proxy. Is there any way he can be forced to go into assisted living?
Lean on them as a team...tell your friends that he has become obstinate and abusive at times. People with dementia can up and change their personality and character! You don't have to worry that your friends would think less of you or him. The man is sick and getting worse. He needs The Team to work together to get him where he will have the best possible treatment/care.
You need The Team to help support you. Let them know you really are asking them to be a member of The Team and let them know what you need them to do.
When I married my husband 28 years ago he had an 18 year old son with signifcant developmental disabilities. There were some really rough spots along the way for us all. and I mean very tough times!
My new best friend was his case manager! What a world of relief it was for me to have the professionals understand my problems and his.
I really learned to say "Son needs professional help. I am NOT a professional" That really helped my husband get over thinking I was able to take care of his son's mental issues. Some people may say you are throwing in the towel, but you aren't You are just saying your husband has progressed to a place where you need professional help!
If your Team would support you, then they can bring down the gaunlet for at least the respite care. Have your husband tell the Team that he won't go...I bet he would not say no to them.
An old piece of advice...Keep a volunteer between you and a mistake...If you can get your volunteer Team to help in this area, he can't blame you or take it out on you. Let him blame the Pastor, Doctor, Lawyer and dear friends...as a unit! And if he refuses Professional help...divorce him and kick him out of your house.
Good luck. Not sure I'm saying anything that can help you but I sure do care about your situation. Bonnie
I'd be bitterly honest with the attorney. You want to take copies of all your assets to the meeting too. Your hubby is big on controlling, so you want to give him something, someplace that you are needing to go to. Dental work is always good as it takes hours of time, and he is not going to want to be there and if you have a dental school that can be the perfect place as you can't ever call to a specific DDS office even if you really wanted to if it's a dental school and then the DDS change depending on who is in a residency program that visit. This is not my idea but from a friend who is a pittbull divorce lawyer.
What is your social security situation? In order for you to collect via his SS, you have to be married 10 years. You want to see what financially would be better, getting SS on his or if you divorced his butt and the SS based on yours. 3 years could be a good long-term investment if you can deal with him another 3 years and it would make a big difference in your retirement. Something to discuss with the attorney. Also can you just use his LTC policy on your own? If you can and the house is yours, you can put it up for sale and then move into the AL on the LTC policy if you wanted to. The attorney should be able to structure the proceeds from the sale of your home into a trust that is Medicaid compliant so that years from now, if and when the LTC policy has met it's maximum and you need skilled nursing in a NH, you can get on Medicaid. He then can either choose to move into the IL with you or not. But this might have it where you do what is best for you and your health.
Has he done stuff like this to other women? Or do you think his behavior is really related to his dementia?
As others have said, consulting an elder law attorney seems a prudent move at this time, both to find out how to get your husband into a care center and also how to protect your assets. Believe me, having a spouse with dementia under any conditions is No Fun. But I cannot begin to imagine caregiving for a spouse when the marriage was on shaky ground and he was abusive. Oh my!
Also have another conference with the doctor. You agree with his assessment that your husband needs to be in Assisted Living (probably a "memory care" unit) and you'd like to know if he/she has any ideas on how to bring that about.
Good luck! Let us know how this goes. We learn from each other.
His physician is a family care physician and also a geriatric physician. I think maybe the way to go might be to give him a call and hope that I can talk to him privately about my husband's refusal to go to a care facility. He may be able to tell me what to do. I guess if his physician can declare him incompetent (he would) then that means some kind of furtive way to get my husband to AL. Like do I get everything in place with a care facility and then lie to him about where he is going and just take him there? Time to call his doctor. Thank you much for your help. Also, we live in the foothills of the Adirondacks, very rural, and there are no resources here like day care. I can put him in respite care if he will go.
As DPOA I made my mom go into IL, she wasn't happy about it but I knew she would go along with it & be fine with the move, once there. Also she did a
"Guardian in Case of Incapacity" done ages before naming me as guardian - this done because the estate attorney made her do it and thankgoodness because she did the whole I'm gonna change my poa routine. I think they as dementia increases think the POA is a whole conspiracy against them. Anyways, the "Guardianship in case" really gives you a trump card to use when they go this route. For my mom this was IL so she gave up no freedoms. But Bluebird's hubby is not a compliant elderly lady like my mom and this is AL and not an IL. He comes across as a 78 year old bully & very savvy, controlling and has been abusive.
If he wants to fight this, he can. he can revoke his POA. This site has many posts of family who has had a parent in a total fit of pique or anger do that. If he takes that approach, then Bluebird is faced with either having to seek guardianship of him to force the move (guardianship really needs legal and has alot more expense than just doing a DPOA) or sweet talk/cajole him into they both move into AL or move on with her life and divorce him. Whatever the case, it's complicated just from what we know so far....property in more than one state, prior before marriage property ownership, license revoked but he drives anyways, emotional & physical abuse. This has "attorney needed" all over it. I really feel for Bluebird as she is probably as very-caring genuine person who is probably very genteel. My hope is that if he gets into a memory care unit, as Jeanne suggested, that once he is on the proper meds, the man with the "good manners" will return.
sounds to me that all of the folks I've been talking about are ready, willing and able to step in and help you with this problem. You just need to ask them and give them permission. It would be super wonderful if you could get them together to map out a plan of action. The lawyer will know the legal end, the doctor would cover the medical issues, the Pastor and friends are their for both of you spiritually and in practical terms and may be able to help with the emotional support you need.
People who care about you want to help. Just let them!
You don't want to end up like that Jodi Airisa who is in more than deep trouble for killing her boyfriend from frustration!
hugs,Bonnie
I think that is part of what this blog is all about. Helping one another.
Thanks for your kind words. bonnie
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