My BF takes care of his 96 yr old dad who has stage 5 or 6 alzheimer's. They live in a small house together. My 13 y.o. daughter and I live in a small house together. My BF and I want to get married and be able to have all of us live together in one home. But, his dad's house is too small for 4 people, and my house is too small, also. My BF has property that he plans on building a house on, but he doesn't have the funds at this time because he has had to cut working down to part time to take care of his dad. He doesn't get paid to take care of his dad, and does it by himself, but pretty-much lives with him for free. His name is on his dad's bank account and he is his dad's POA. He has no siblings, so all of his dad's assets willl go to my BF when his dad passes. Can he legally take money out of his dad's bank account to begin building a house on his property that is big enough to accomodate all 4 of us? His dad has convinced himself that he has no money, although he has plenty. His dad has lost most of his short term memory, and can't make rational decisions. To try and explain to him what we want to do would be pointless. He thinks he has no money to begin with. But to do it without his knowledge or approval seems almost like stealing....
The thing that really stuck out to me is that you don't have to live in the same house to be married. I am surprised that you guys are not married already, since he visits you often. I hope that things work out for you guys, but I'm starting to wonder if you put all your eggs in a basket that has a hole in it.
I agree with the previous advice, wait till the money is freed up then build or buy a house. BTW, I've bought homes and I have built homes and in today's market building a new home is far, far more expensive.
Beyond that, I do have an uncomfortable feeling about using the father's funds for a new home that would benefit him perhaps only for a short time but your BF and your family for a much longer time, even if your BF is the sole heir.
The fact that BF's father likely wouldn't understand the plans makes me feel more uncomfortable about the proposal.
Beyond that, there's the issue of building vs buying. To build, your BF would have to have at least enough for a construction loan and then a permanent (a/k/a "takeout") loan, unless he finds a lender to finance both. He'll need a perc test, need to get permits, find an architect and builder, and then there's the almost inevitable unforeseen consequences of building and possible delays. One of those could be an acceleration of the father's mental and physical decline.
Unless this land has very special meaning, the possibility exists for him to sell the land and use the funds for a down payment on a house that could accommodate all of you. It would still be hard on his father, but it would be less protracted than building And if the sale of the lot provides enough money for a down payment on the house, you wouldn't need to dip into the father's funds.
Others more familiar with Medicaid will come along and caution about this kind of use of funds in the even the father might need Medicaid. That's not an area in which I'm as knowledgeable so I'll just leave that to the others here.
When I see these kinds of questions, I ask what I would do in those circumstances and whether I would consider it inappropriate. If it were my situation, I wouldn't feel it inappropriate to do this for my father; however, I would also be very concerned about disrupting what already is likely a chaotic view of life.
FF's advice to study the progress of the disease is excellent; it will help you get a better idea of what to anticipate.
Because the dad can't make rational decisions you might consider just waiting until the money comes to your boyfriend after his dad passes instead of spending it now while the dad isn't able to have any say so over where his money goes. Spending someone's money when they are mentally unable to give consent sounds wrong. I'm sure your boyfriend's motives are good but I can see your point that it might feel like stealing. At the very best it sounds like taking advantage, at the very worst it sounds like stealing. Like I said, the line is blurry.
It is wonderful that your BF is caring for his Dad, but there will be a time in the near future where your BF will need to care for his Dad 168 hour a week, quitting work unless he hires professional caregivers to come in to help or he placed his father in a care facility. Paying for 2 or 3 shifts of caregivers can eat through the father's funds rather quickly.
Professional help can be expensive. If I were in your BF's shoes, I would wait to see what this year brings regarding Dad's health. Whatever money his Dad has might be used up for his final years of care.
Then I question having a 13 year old child in the household, as stage 6 of Alzheimer's the patient's personality could change [more the norm than not according to articles I have read], that sweet lovable old guy become combative, sometimes violent... he will forget who you are, and think you are strangers there to hurt him... he will become parodied, thinking everyone is out to get him. He will sleep all day and be up all night trying to get out of the house, etc. Do you want your child to witness that on a daily basis?
Go to the top blue bar near the top of this page... click on SENIOR LIVING... now click on ALZHEIMER'S CARE... now scroll down to the various articles... read through those articles to get a better idea what the family will need to plan ahead.