My BF takes care of his 96 yr old dad who has stage 5 or 6 alzheimer's. They live in a small house together. My 13 y.o. daughter and I live in a small house together. My BF and I want to get married and be able to have all of us live together in one home. But, his dad's house is too small for 4 people, and my house is too small, also. My BF has property that he plans on building a house on, but he doesn't have the funds at this time because he has had to cut working down to part time to take care of his dad. He doesn't get paid to take care of his dad, and does it by himself, but pretty-much lives with him for free. His name is on his dad's bank account and he is his dad's POA. He has no siblings, so all of his dad's assets willl go to my BF when his dad passes. Can he legally take money out of his dad's bank account to begin building a house on his property that is big enough to accomodate all 4 of us? His dad has convinced himself that he has no money, although he has plenty. His dad has lost most of his short term memory, and can't make rational decisions. To try and explain to him what we want to do would be pointless. He thinks he has no money to begin with. But to do it without his knowledge or approval seems almost like stealing....
It is wonderful that your BF is caring for his Dad, but there will be a time in the near future where your BF will need to care for his Dad 168 hour a week, quitting work unless he hires professional caregivers to come in to help or he placed his father in a care facility. Paying for 2 or 3 shifts of caregivers can eat through the father's funds rather quickly.
Professional help can be expensive. If I were in your BF's shoes, I would wait to see what this year brings regarding Dad's health. Whatever money his Dad has might be used up for his final years of care.
Then I question having a 13 year old child in the household, as stage 6 of Alzheimer's the patient's personality could change [more the norm than not according to articles I have read], that sweet lovable old guy become combative, sometimes violent... he will forget who you are, and think you are strangers there to hurt him... he will become parodied, thinking everyone is out to get him. He will sleep all day and be up all night trying to get out of the house, etc. Do you want your child to witness that on a daily basis?
Go to the top blue bar near the top of this page... click on SENIOR LIVING... now click on ALZHEIMER'S CARE... now scroll down to the various articles... read through those articles to get a better idea what the family will need to plan ahead.
Because the dad can't make rational decisions you might consider just waiting until the money comes to your boyfriend after his dad passes instead of spending it now while the dad isn't able to have any say so over where his money goes. Spending someone's money when they are mentally unable to give consent sounds wrong. I'm sure your boyfriend's motives are good but I can see your point that it might feel like stealing. At the very best it sounds like taking advantage, at the very worst it sounds like stealing. Like I said, the line is blurry.
Beyond that, I do have an uncomfortable feeling about using the father's funds for a new home that would benefit him perhaps only for a short time but your BF and your family for a much longer time, even if your BF is the sole heir.
The fact that BF's father likely wouldn't understand the plans makes me feel more uncomfortable about the proposal.
Beyond that, there's the issue of building vs buying. To build, your BF would have to have at least enough for a construction loan and then a permanent (a/k/a "takeout") loan, unless he finds a lender to finance both. He'll need a perc test, need to get permits, find an architect and builder, and then there's the almost inevitable unforeseen consequences of building and possible delays. One of those could be an acceleration of the father's mental and physical decline.
Unless this land has very special meaning, the possibility exists for him to sell the land and use the funds for a down payment on a house that could accommodate all of you. It would still be hard on his father, but it would be less protracted than building And if the sale of the lot provides enough money for a down payment on the house, you wouldn't need to dip into the father's funds.
Others more familiar with Medicaid will come along and caution about this kind of use of funds in the even the father might need Medicaid. That's not an area in which I'm as knowledgeable so I'll just leave that to the others here.
When I see these kinds of questions, I ask what I would do in those circumstances and whether I would consider it inappropriate. If it were my situation, I wouldn't feel it inappropriate to do this for my father; however, I would also be very concerned about disrupting what already is likely a chaotic view of life.
FF's advice to study the progress of the disease is excellent; it will help you get a better idea of what to anticipate.
I agree with the previous advice, wait till the money is freed up then build or buy a house. BTW, I've bought homes and I have built homes and in today's market building a new home is far, far more expensive.
The thing that really stuck out to me is that you don't have to live in the same house to be married. I am surprised that you guys are not married already, since he visits you often. I hope that things work out for you guys, but I'm starting to wonder if you put all your eggs in a basket that has a hole in it.
Relationship issues aside, be mindful of possible asset transfer consequences with respect to qualifying for Medicaid if it is required in the future.
In general, an agent operating under a Power of Attorney must be acting in a "fiduciary capacity" for the principal. In other words, acting in the best interest of the person who granted the power. If the document permits the activity you are proposing there should be not problem.
With respect to potential Medicaid benefits, simply using father's money to build a new property that is not titled to him could be an issue as it would be considered an uncompensated transfer and therefore create a penalty period before Medicaid benefits will be available.
The uncompensated transfer issue may be solved by father purchasing what is known as a "life estate" in the new property giving him the right to live there for the rest of his life. He must then live in the property for at least one year for the transfer not to be considered subject to penalty.
Rules vary by state. An appointment with an elder law attorney would be beneficial.
Please understand, I tend to be blunt. Comments above regarding the daughter witnessing all of this is important also.
Besides... if this fellow wanted to marry they would have already done so. He may be just buying time and not want to deal with a new life, new wife, new daughter and be responsible for the caregiving of his dad. It may be just too overwhelming to handle.
Wait and see. Dad may live a lot more years and every penny will be necessary to care for him.
Deep down I know it just isn't possible to be married and be living in the same household together. It just wouldn't work, financially, and also as far as his dad and my daughter are concerned. But, I was determined to try and find a way. I don't think I would want to have to deal with his dad, and that's what I (and my daughter) would end up doing. It would not be a very pleasant situation even if we were able to get a larger house. And, I know that is what my BF is trying to avoid. He doesn't want me to have to deal with his dad. He feels his dad is his responsibility and I shouldn't have to be burdened with it. That's very sweet, but he thinks he can do it alone.....NOT! He has been, for years, but now his dad is most likely in stage 6 and has been getting into more trouble than usual.
He burnt up the microwave last week! Of course, he didn't know what happened and it wasn't him that did it....he can't remember from one minute to the next. So trying to get information about what happened is frustrating, to say the least. His dad has no clue.
His dad forgets to eat and take his medication unless BF is there. Even though BF leaves him a note on dry erase board in huge letters about what he needs to do and when to do it. He still doesn't do it.
His dad has to cath himself twice a day bacause he has prostatitis. He will cath, but doesn't use the anti-bacteria soap he is supposed to use to clean the catheter. He just rinses it out with water. This results in him getting reccurent UTI's.
He can't bathe himself, brush his teeth/partial, comb his hair, shave.
One thing he can still do is walk fairly well. He's very slow, but he can do it. One of the things he's determined about is not using a cane, or anything else to walk. He would rather stay home than go with us and have to be pushed in a wheel chair due to the fact that he is so slow and tires too quickly, which results in us having to always leave an event, prematurely. He knows riding in the wheelchair is a condition of him going with us to events that involve a lot of walking. But, as much as he'd like to go, he will stay home, because he won't agree to the wheel chair. And then he complains because we left him home.....
Sorry, just venting a little, here...
If your BF wanted to marry you, he would find an appropriate facility for his dad, and work full time to fulfill his own life. Then you could have a life together.
I learned my lesson the hard way. Fortunately I don't regret it, as I still have my parents (94 and 88), four loyal chihuahuas, and a job that keeps me busy.