I'm the sole caregiver for my grandmother, and I'm getting so frustrated by her constant mood swings that I feel like kicking and screaming and throwing things. One minute everything's fine, I'm doing a great job, she's so grateful for my help, and the next minute if I can't stop what I'm doing right that second to drive her across town I'm a terrible person, she's moving out, she's not going to eat or drink or do a single other thing because she's just ready to die. I'll ask her if she wants to microwave something and she'll say if I'm too stupid to figure that out she would rather not eat. I gave her water from a gallon size bottle instead of a half-liter bottle and she went on and on all day about how mistreated she was and that nobody would even treat a dog like that. If I ask her what she wants to eat, she'll tell me she's not going to eat because she needs someone who just knows what she needs.
The paranoia is getting to be a lot too. She's always been a touch paranoid, and I think she probably had some mild mental health issues that were never dealt with. She bursts into my office when I'm on Zoom calls to tell me to stop telling family business to some man on the phone, there will be total silence in the house and she'll start yelling at me to get off the phone and come take care of her, and then say she doesn't need anything, she just doesn't want anyone in this house on the phone. She accuses the neighbors who have been nothing but kind to her for years of saying horrible, racist things about her, and when I try to explain to her that she misheard them she tells me I'm terrible for defending the white people instead of her. She insists I have a male patient in the house that I'm taking care of and that's why I'm too busy to help her, even when I'm just lying in bed. She hears voices in the middle of the night and insists it's people talking about kicking her out of the house. I have to bring her the bottles of medication she's taking over and over again so she can read the labels to be sure I'm giving it to her correctly, and then gets upset that she can't read the small print. I sprained my ankle once jumping out of bed to answer her question because I was so anxious that she was going to start yelling that it took me so long.
The house is becoming filthy because any time I try to clean something she starts to freak out that I'm moving out and she's going to be homeless. Then she'll turn around and start screaming and yelling that she wants to go to a nursing home because she doesn't like it in this house. I ask how I can make her more comfortable and she tells me to stop asking so many questions.
I've had to cancel my own medical appointments because she'll have these meltdowns and I can't leave the house. I had to stop doing virtual therapy to limit the amount of time I spend on the phone to only things that are work related. I can only talk to friends by text for fear of causing a meltdown. I can't even sit in my bedroom and cry for a few minutes because if I have the door closed and she notices she starts ranting and raving about that.
She constantly complains that she's been abandoned by everybody, that nobody cares about her, everyone is up to dirty tricks and out to get her, which is just so upsetting to hear because she is so loved by so many people. She really is a joy to be around when she's not in one of these episodes. She's always been a little mean and impatient when she doesn't get her way, but she is also generous, funny, and exceptionally kind. She would give you the shirt off her back. But the constant anxiety of never knowing when she's going to lose it is getting so draining. I'm always worrying if it's going to happen again when I'm on a work call, or if she's going to run out in the street and start yelling for a taxi, or pick up the phone and call someone and tell them all the hallucinations she's having and have them actually believe her.
I'm just so exhausted. Rant over.
Is grandma diagnosed with dementia?
Does she have any medical conditions that make her need a caregiver?
Are you living with her?
If she is cognizant and does not have any medical conditions that require a 24/7 caregiver then you do not have to stop your life and let her run yours.
If you are not living with her you can set your hours when you will be available to help her do what she needs help doing.
If she is not cognizant then discussing with family that she needs to be placed in Memory Care would be the way to approach this.
And lastly .... Why are you responsible for caring for grandma?
She lives with me, and is cognizant for the most part, but she is on a walker, and at 92 cooking, housekeeping, even sometimes bathing are more than she can handle on her own.
I am the last of the Mohicans in my family. I am an only child, and my mother and her other child are deceased.
Is she financial able to go to a nursing home? If you can find a placement for her, even if she says she hates you, at least she won't be with you 24/7.
Don't feel guilty about placing her in Memory Care. And Don't feel like you've failed. You aren't guilty and you haven't failed. She simply needs more than you can provide.
I am about to have a week's respite care. I am hoping and praying my hubby will decide he wants to stay there. In point of fact, I am going to ask the staff to actively encourage him to stay. Sending you a great big comforting hug.
Enjoy your break - you deserve it! I've been trying to plan a respite break for myself, but as you can imagine, it's very hard to find a sitter that my grandmother isn't equally as demanding with. On my last vacation, they walked off the shift and I had to come home early.
Your grandmother obviously has some mental decline issues, along with mental issues, and is getting to be too much for you to handle on your own. She needs to be placed in the appropriate facility, where she will receive the care she requires. If it's her house you're living in, then you do need to make plans to move out soon, and if it's your house, she's living in, then you must work on getting her out, and in a facility.
You deserve so much better than having to live like you're living. It sounds like you're living with a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. That has to be extremely difficult to say the least, and as I'm sure you already know, she will only continue to get worse. So please start today in taking the appropriate steps in changing your situation, as you are the only one that can.
Thanks for the suggestion.
Just my opinion; your grandmother needs a full medical work-up. You need to know what health issues she is dealing with in her present state. Her current doctor might not be the best doctor for her. Is there a Senior Health Center you can take her to? Dealing with med professionals whose central focus is on health issues of the elderly was a game-changer for me. They were also quick to refer to specialists(a neurologist, a psychiatrist) also focused on seniors. So much better than a GP or Family Med. Dr.
Your situation is very stressful. Are there people who can help you - spend time with grandma - so you can have a break? It sounds like you could use some time off to think about your situation and your options. There are senior resource hotlines in most counties. I've used these and other senior agencies - they have knowledge and access to resources and are very useful.
Wishing all the best for you.
If your grandmother doesn’t have any legitimate medical reasons for her behavior, then I feel that she is being a bit selfish and controlling.
You deserve to be able to speak on the phone. You say that your grandmother has these ‘meltdowns and a mean streak’ if she doesn’t get her way. What a shame for each of you.
I am sure that it makes you sad that she isn’t completely at peace in her life. Why does she have a need to dictate what you can and cannot do, such as speaking on the phone or leaving the house for your doctor appointments? What about grocery shopping? Hair appointments, a social life, and so on? You can’t stay with her 24/7. All caregivers need some free time for themselves. People aren’t machines. Actually, even machines require maintenance.
I can see how much you care about your grandmother and state that many others do too. I am sure that she has many lovely traits. Let’s face it though, people often have a different side at home, behind closed doors. You have to live with the unpleasant side of her, which is extremely frustrating for you.
Don’t be manipulated by her antics of wishing to rule the roost. If her behavior becomes too much to handle, it may be time to consider speaking to her about hiring someone to help, or finding a nearby facility for her to live in. You can help by being her advocate. Call Council on Aging or a social worker for guidance.
Keep us posted. We care.