My mother is an alcoholic and prescription drugs abuser. She has been an alcoholic for years, too long ago to remember. Me and my dad have offered rehab countless times. I have helped her become sober for so long, but it's becoming too much to handle with school, and the fact that she always starts up again regardless of what I do. I have become extremely angry and frustrated. I don't speak to her anymore and when I do I never say anything nice because she calls me every swear word in the book. She is threatening to kick me out which would jeopardize my entire future. I don't have anywhere to go, I don't have a job because I am at home cleaning and taking care of my younger siblings, and working on my school work because I'm trying to make honour roll. As much as I want to leave, I can't without throwing everything away. I don't have many friends to go to and even if I could, their parents would probably say no and my siblings would be left to fend for themselves. My father is a hard working man and has multiple jobs providing for our family, he can't do what needs to be done at home. If I left everything would fall apart. Can I really be kicked out since I'm 18?
I have read through the posts and am so glad you are safe. Dealing with the situation you were in was next to an impossibility. My Mom was addicted to pain medication (ie: Robaxin etc) after she lost part of her right leg and we were not aware of it until she had passed away and we found the bottles of the medication she had stashed. She was not violent but could get very verbally abusive. We made our peace before she passed away and said our good byes the night before she passed away.
I lost a very dear friend (who was more like a sister to me) to suicide due to addiction. She had tried to get clean but with the insurance, they would not keep her long enough for her to kick her habit. I watched her go from a fun loving wonderful person to a shell of her former self.
You have made the right move...you have to protect, care for and love yourself or you will not be able to help anyone. And where you were at was not safe for you. I have a feeling from experience (my ex) that the physical and verbal violence toward you would have only escalated. Did you have burns from where she threw the hot food on you? If so did you get it treated.
I am like Caroli1, I don't know about employment services in Canada, but check on line to see if there are employment offices in your area (some offer permanent or temp work which would help you get your foot in the door. Do you know what field you eventually want to go into? If you do find something online and they want you to pay to work, go to the next one. The internet is a great resource, but you have to be careful of scams. Are you considering going to a Jr. College or 4 year? Sometimes there are resources there.
Hang in there and please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing.
You got through your exams. YIPPPPPEEEEEE!!
Celebrate a little, you deserve it. All your other stuff going on and you STILL did it. You are stronger than you think.
What about tutoring? Leave your name at the schools, colleges. And the subjects you might be able to help with.
Child minding (baby sitting), cafe - restaurant work, cleaning. Remember these jobs are just to help you get through the next phase of your life. Take away delivery's sometimes have food left at the end of the day. I was friends with the people in our local fish and chip shop. I used to wait outside, in all weathers, until they closed for their 'left-overs'. Sometimes it was cooked chicken carcasses. Pick them clean and make pies for the freezer. Vegetable shop, ask for there wilted stuff for your animals. It is surprising what can still be used for humans. lol That will help with the food a little. It is not easy but not insurmountable. I did it. You can too. You are strong.
No job is too small or too bad, as long as you do each one to the very best of your ability.
UBER GRAZ on your exams. (Big smiley face) and hugs
As others have said -look after yourself. Do what is good for you. Any other way is very unhealthy for you. I am not going to pretend that it is easy, it isn't. There are ties that bind you to your nuclear family that work to pull you back into the sickness. Recognize them, honour that you have ties with your family, but resist being sucked back in.
Obviously you are a strong intelligent young woman. Kudos to you for having stepped away from the abuse. Prayers for blessings and success in your new life. Come back for support any time. You have a good life ahead of you.
You're away from that awful situation. What are your priorities right now: your exams. I hope you're safe with your nana, so take deep breathes, gently stretch your muscles, clear your mind, then study. Once your exams are over, that weight is gone and you can more clearly focus on your next priorities: where to live, a job, and your future, what or if you choose to place a call to child protective services to help your siblings.
{hug} to you. Please let us know how you're doing. Good luck come the exams!
I can't add much more than to say you've taken the first step into a new world, a new life. I hope you understand that you have a whole lifetime ahead of you - grab it and run with it.
If your Nana is so close to your other house ARE YOU SAFE? Remember it is not your home now. Home is where you are.
Your dad is taking your mums side in this but, we all know, deep down he knows the truth, don't we?
Go and speak to someone at the school, explain the situation, see what they can do for you. You may be surprised.
NOW - buckle up. You are on the last stretch of a very bumpy ride.
You have been fantastic, sticking it out as long as you did but you have a little further to go.
Now is your time!! LOOK AFTER YOURSELF. You will want to and feel like just having a bit of a wallow (and you would be well withing bounds to do this) Just keep going forward now, one day at a time and one step at a time.
The next stage of your life has started.
Lift your head up, be proud of yourself (you earned the right)
First though, have a good sleep, then eat a little and have a nice cup of tea. Sit down with Nana and find out what your options are with her.
She sounds lovely.
Each day find one small thing to smile about. Doesnt have to be huge. eg. The smell of new cut grass when you go outside - a petal with a water drop on it - a bird singing etc.
And I send you hugs and loads of good luck.
It is not a losing battle. It is a path, a journey. Something had to happen to enable you to leave. It has happened.
That’s all this is.
NOW you can start your life. Stop and think what is the best course of action.
If you go with your friend, What about your tests? Can you stay with your Nana until you finish your tests? Talk this over with your Nana and with your friend. Hold your ground. Do what’s best for you.
And thank you for sharing your personal life with us. It's hard to get it out there sometimes as we think that many won't understand and will judge us.
I'm truly glad your son is clean. I've seen your posts where your sons come to your house and hang out. Gosh, that's great. THAT'S the life we dreamed of as kids.
I'm waiting for my dream to come true.
Peace ✌🏼️
Thank you, I should have explained this was my experience.
I'm so sorry you have the heroine problem with your son. OMG, how painful!
I went through this with my middle son, but it was crack cocaine. The helpless feeling is heart wrenching. The only thing that saved him was spending 2 years in prison.
It killed me because I called the detectives who were looking for him. He came home and crashed,
(crack kept him up for days)
I took the opportunity to turn him in. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
I pray you get your son back.
I hope you are still reading along. None of this is really about anyone else but you. I'm so sorry if you felt overwhelmed and insulted by my comments. Truly.
Please understand that you've got both sides of the coin here. You, me and Sue, were dealt pretty much the same hand in our early lives. Sue didn't get the addictive personality, and was able to make healthier choices for herself.
I did get the addictive personality and went in the opposite direction.
You and your siblings can go either way. But luckily, you know the odds and can choose not to take chances with drugs and alcohol.
I feel very passionate about your situation because I was you, and I became your Mom. My kids lives were a horror show early on. I didn't understand why I couldn't stop.
The more I drank, the guiltier I felt. When I'd wake up each morning, or afternoon, the things I'd done and said would start to come back to me. I'd be so embarrassed and ashamed, the only thing I could do was drink again. I couldn't deal with it sober. What a cycle.
This was when I was supposed to be raising my boys. I never went to their school functions, met their teachers, nor attended their sporting events.
Before I was married, I went with a lot of seedy guys. I wasn't ugly so I did get attention from nice guys, successful men. However, I felt I'd never measure up to them, once they knew the real me. That feeling wasn't about drinking or drugs. It was that I felt like wasn't good enough for them. I was so emotionally damaged, I had no idea I had even the tiniest bit of worth.
At 19 I met a guy with no teeth, dead end job, from a dirt poor family, in my neighborhood. Yep, that was the guy for me...lol
However at 21, he wasn't done yet. He got his GED, went to college, then became a detective in the warrant squad of our counties sheriff's department. He was also an amazing dad.
He didn't get on me about my drinking. He never wanted me to leave him. He gave me everything to make me happy. He even bought me a gorgeous beauty salon. I was a hairdresser, but couldn't keep a job. Nor run this beauty salon, even though it was my dream.
The longer he enabled my drinking, the worse it got and the more our sons suffered. They too became damaged. As I had, due to our alcoholic upbringing. Even with one sober, responsible parent. Them, their father. Me, my Mom.
My husband should have took his kids and ran! This sh* t show of a life only got worse.
This is where I feel selfishness comes in. My husband's "motive", as to why he chosed to stay and keep the kids living in this madness, was he loved me and didn't want to divorce.
(I think he has an issue there)
So by putting his desires first, regardless of what it was doing to the kids, comes down to *selfishness*. Someone is doing something for their own benefit. Getting what THEY want in the end.
*Selflessness* would be doing something for the benefit of others, regardless of what it does to you, in the end.
See how parallel our stories are? I can not go back and change my kids lives, but I can, in the very least, try to save someone else's kids. I just may have gone about it wrong and with a heavy hand. 😔
It's like watching someone about to walk off a cliff, but they don't hear your screams.
Our lives got so much worse, then finally better. In 2003 I went to detox, rehab, then a recovery house. This totaled One year in treatment and out of my families lives. It was done in a different state.
I continued therapy and AA since then. I've been clean and sober almost 15 yrs. Funny thing is, the drinking and drugs we're not the problem, they were my solution., Which didn't work then took over. Twisted right? Recovery is an inside job. The damage starts in us long before there's any signs of a problem. Some of us are programmed wrong starting out.
But there certainly is hope! Don't give up. I hope this help Sweetheart. 💖
I welcome your response, as I now have a much better understanding of what you were infering.
To answer your question, I'm not yelling. I was capitalizing all the letters to emphasize to Sprinkles that your scenario doesn't have to be hers.
I just don't see where anyone (but the mother) is being SELFISH (your capitals). As we both know, it's a screwed up life in the house of an addict and everyone usually wants to keep the addict "happy" by not upsetting them. The emotion, as I see it, is more scared or anxious than selfish.
It's fine that we disagree. I can't imagine that either one of us would agree with everything that we read here.
Since all this really happened to you, IMHO, it would have been good to SAY it happened to you. It sounded (maybe just to me) that it was more of a scenario of what 'could happen' than what your real life experiences were. I think telling her that that's the torture you endured would have been more helpful.
I am truly sorry for you that these horrible things happened. I'm not being sarcastic. No one deserves to be treated that way. I'm sorry for me and my childhood too. Two alcoholic parents and a narcissistic mother wasn't easy to navigate being an only child.
I'm happy to hear that my life may be inspiring. That's what I was shooting for. That's what I wanted Sprinkles to know. That, even though things are crappy at home, you still have control over what you want to do with your life. I was trying to show her a positive side. I didn't see any hope in your message.
I certainly never said I was better than you. You are inferring that. I had a different experience than you. Maybe not quite as horrible but none the less rough for a kid. No one is any better or worse than anyone else. All of our experiences are valuable. I'm glad I made the choices I made....by the grace of God, certainly not my "smarts".
You posted your opinion publicly. I disagreed with your opinion publicly. Would you have preferred that I 'private message' you? I stated that I was angry about your post but I'm not out to "shoot you down". Why do you think I'd want to belittle you just because I disagreed with you? I don't think only my opinion matters but it is my opinion and I'm entitled to it, as you are to yours. Please don't be insulted and defensive that I disagree with you.
I disagreed with your assessment of everyone (except mom) being selfish. I also didn't like the analogy (or, what we've found out in your post above, were your real life experiences) being the only help you gave her. Usually, I've found, offering positive suggestions works better...just my experiences. I wanted her to be hopeful for a better life ahead.
I have not had a "pearly white" adulthood but you are on the defensive, so I can understand your comment. I've worked hard for what I have and haven't relied on anyone for anything. I spent years in therapy trying to sort out the cr*p from my childhood. Dealing with a son who is a heroin addict and a 95 year old mother with stage 6 Alzheimers also stains my pearly white adulthood.
I've never said that anyone's experiences AREN'T valid. You didn't SAY they were YOUR experiences.....I wish you would have. It would have meant more. This is what you offered her;
"Do you want your little sister to hook up with some monster, just to get out of the house? How would you feel then, when she comes to you after being gang raped? All because she chose a druggie boyfriend with out of control junkie friends, cause she didn't have enough self esteem to think she deserved better. Or your brother killed in a car crash at 18 because he was drinking and driving."
Would that have helped you in your childhood or young adult years? I felt she was traumatized enough and needed to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We just handled it differently.
Everyone on this board is an equal, regardless what experiences they've had.
Sue,
First of all, who are you yelling at?
Secondly, it doesn't matter if you agree with me or not. We're ALL a product of our experiences. And that's what we offer here, our personal experiences.
Because yours does not match mine, doesn't automatically make you right and me wrong.
I never futuristically predicted her sister and brother WERE going to be in those situations. I said, "how would you feel if "....
So if you're going to jump on the soap box ....bring notes.
I too grew up with an alcoholic, ( & paranoid schizophrenic) father. My childhood was HELL! And let me add,
*I am living proof that it DOES happen!*
All of what I said did happen to me.
It took 3 years to have my face reconstructed and forget about the price and pain to have those pearly white implants and gum grafts done. Yeah car crash. Didnt die, but came close. The other horror happened....more then once.
I'm not one who powders butts. I can only give what I've got, my truth. Your life and the choices you made are very inspiring. But it doesn't make you better then me. And yes, calling me out, openly, to shoot me down, looks ( to me) like you think only your opinion, on what should be said, matters.
I can't share your pearly white adulthood. Mine was ugly, but it's valid and valuable just the same.
From the ninth step promises of AA.....
**No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we'll see how our experience can benefit others**
I know the desperation of wanting everything to go back to "normal" (whatever that IS).
I also know what it's like to anger the alcoholic. You would do "anything" not to infuriate them or you will pay for it dearly. Had I not escaped out the door, I would have had an 1/8" hole in my head from a lead crystal ashtray thrown by my drunk father for "angering" him. I know you want to keep the peace.
So, I'm going to (angrily) go against Pepsee's post that everyone is being SELFISH. Bull poop! You are trying not to "awaken the monster" 'cause your neck will be in the noose. No one understands that unless you've lived through it.
I also don't like her futuristic predictions that your sister will end up with druggies and be gang raped and your brother will die in a car accident from being too drunk!
Yes, there is a greater chance that "we" (the children of alcoholics or drug addicts) will either pick up the habit or marry one who has a habit but coming from 2 alcoholic parents I AM LIVING PROOF IT DOESN'T ALWAYS HAPPEN!!
My nasty father told me I'd probably wind up barefoot and pregnant! I became a nurse just to spite him. At my nursing graduation I was class valedictorian. He told me he'd buy me a present when I got my doctorate!
Never good enough.
You are one smart kid and so are your siblings (as you told us). You all can be anything you WANT to be.. It's NOT genetic, you're not doomed to repeat what your mother did.
I've always kept a watch on how much I drink (about 2 glasses of wine a week, FYI) so I don't repeat my family history. I don't have an "addictive personality" and I'm sure you don't either.
Here's what I'd like to see happen;
*Get mom out of your living situation.
*Go to AlAnon meetings. (They are in the same situation as you are.)
*Realize you may have to monitor yourself in stressful situations to not cope the "familiar" way shown by your mother.
*Finish a higher education, get an awesome job and be content with your great life.
God bless you from someone who has been there.
When will you graduate from high school? What are your plans after that?
How old are your siblings?
Your father is failing in his responsibility to his children. While it is most important to get yourself out of this situation, I understand your concern for your siblings. And even if they don't show signs of being affected now, that doesn't mean this situation won't cause them long-term damage with possible devastating consequences.
I think they call them studio flats now? But it was a small room in a house - About 9 feet x 9 feet.. Had a bed, table and chair and a cooking ring. Use of the bathroom (paid with coins in a machine)
But it was a roof. :)
What is a bed-sit? Maybe I know it by another name.
My dad was an alcoholic most of his life but we had breaks (while he was at sea) It was hell on earth when he was home on leave for all of us. He did not hit my mum but psychologically and verbally - all the time.
There were only 3 of us kids and I was the youngest. My Sister got out first, then my brother. (it was more complicated than that) but that is the short version.
My mum got a 'live-in' job and I ended up in a bedsit.
When my dad came back he came to me. He didnt understand why we had all left. I was the one that had to tell him. It wasnt nice. Nothing about it was nice.
BUT as he was now 'not at sea' it was going to get worse, so we all pre empted it.
You have had some great advice given here USE IT.
The question seems to me, to be.
Do we carry on covering up for mum and JUST HOPE it wont get worse?
Or - do we protect the younger siblings, yourself and your dad?
Why not speak to your siblings and ask them? I am sure they know and understand more than you think. I know I did at the age of 6. I did not know it was drink but I knew dad was 'a bit odd and smelled funny'
I wish you good luck. It my opinion it seems as though you are both using delaying tactics, in the hope it does not happen again. eg. If she starts again THEN you will do something about it.
It does NOT mean you do not love them. It fact, I think it is the opposite. It is BECAUSE you love them you need to do it.
Remember once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. Even if she has a good rehab and comes out sober. She will always be one, just in recovery. Which would be brilliant.
Not everyone that has great pain or a rough life becomes a crook or a drinker.
You are free to chose. There is not in between. Do it, or not do it.
I wish you ALL great luck.
I’m not sure how old you are. If you are 18, in most states you can can be kicked out of your home. You might want to check the rules in your home state. In a few states with extenuating circumstances you can be kicked out earlier.
This situation is already ugly. You covering it up really isn’t helping. As suggested by others, call APS or CPS. Talk to your school counselor or the school nurse. Both are very capable of helping you. By you and your dad not speaking up, you are enabling her alcoholism. Go to AlaTeen or Alanon to get some help for yourself.
Your mother is holding you hostage with threats of eviction. Unless your dad agrees (and I'm sure he won't), she can't kick you out. You have a right to live in your own home.
You mother needs help (even she knows that) but, like my son, doesn't want any. The drugs and booze have killed any conscience she would have had. She's mad at you because you bring up her addictions and her shortcomings. None of the addicts want to see themselves for who they are. They know you are right and better than they are so they lash out in anger.
It's sweet of you to take the brunt of your mom's anger to shelter your siblings but none of you should have to live this way.
Its too bad your dad was traumatized by trying to get help for his dad but that can't make any difference in providing for the safety of his children. "Feelings" have no place in this.
She needs to get her act together (rehab) or leave the house. If she refuses, then your dad needs to move with all the kids to a different location.
Your mother is an adult and does not have dementia. Therefore, she is allowed to make all the bad/stupid decisions she wants. But, she is supposed to be a responsible mother, not a checked out alcoholic. Unless she leaves the house OR your dad takes all the kids and moves somewhere else, the social workers will remove the minors from the home and put them in foster care. That's why I'm telling you that he needs to get her out or ya'll need to move without taking her.
Your mom needs to see that she will no longer have her family if she continues with her addictions. Yes, the poop will hit the fan. But you all need a better environment to grow up in. HER feelings don't matter now. She is endangering all her children. God knows how traumatized kids can be with an addict and their irrational behavior. I don't care HOW nasty she gets. She needs to be responsible for her actions.
Either you or he need to make a change.