Called it quits today! 😪
After 6 months of a tumultuous living situation with my father, he was moved into his new house on May 1st. He did a complete 180° by suddenly putting his place together & has no signs of dementia or inability to walk. (It's a miracle!🤣) I feel it's because he is a hoarder and is now with his "things" he is suddenly normal again. But now I am getting daily phone calls with "demands".
My dad has guns, which his doctor told us to keep from him, as he admitted he was suicidal. Dad rents storage, and we keep his lawn mower, shovels, rakes & snow blower in our shed, as his rental has no storage space for lawn equipment. The rental storage place doesn't want gas powered tools in the units.
He called yesterday & got very rude. Demanding his guns & yelling at me that these are "his property" & he is "75 years old".... Then said he will also come to get his "tools" (lawn equipment) from our shed. We have told him repeatedly that we fear those things would get stolen off his back porch. I told him we want permission from his doctor before giving him access to his guns.
Dad also interjected that he "hasn't seen a dime" of his money in months. Mind you, he gave me his banking cards to "fix his mess" & I caught him up on being 3 months behind on bills, got him a rental since his credit is ruined, moved him to this town from 3 hrs away, multiple trips with a uhaul to get his belongings, bought washer/dryer, new mattress, dvd player, phone, microwave, since his belongings were covered in filth. Plus he lived with us for free, I only had him buy some groceries 2 of the 6 months he was with us. Drove him to doctors appointments etc...
I don't feel comfortable with what he is now alluding to. So I told him today, once we get his car here, I am going to relieve myself of all bill paying & errand running, as he can do this himself.
We took his guns to the storage & will also take his lawn equipment. He doesn't have a key yet, due to doctor's order & that he has a gun safe in there that we cannot even open. I will wait to see what his doctor says. I am so tired of being treated like garbage. After all we've done for him after finding out my brother abused him. Then he says, "I miss my son." I am tired.
I told him he is going to have to get help from the agencies here. My dad has been demanding things, not even asking nicely.
Am I being too harsh? I just feel so used.
My experience was that nobody really talked about these things, it was all kept in the family, people just accepted someone had their 'quirks'. I still felt that stigma, that protection that I couldn't disclose anything, after being an adult for decades. Even after, I dunno.. 6 councelling sessions. Silly I suppose. I have mentioned it on the forum (our safe space) & only recently mentioned in passing to my Doctor that my Mother had always been.. pause.. "unusual". The look on his face was *interesting*. He gently probed like he wanted to get a feel of the damage under the surface... We parked that convo there as not any immediate threat to anyone's health (but probably wrote "family nuts" on my file or something LOL.
I recently unloaded to my doctor about my daughter's crazy actions. Don't know what he scrawled in my chart, but we had a good conversation about parenting adult children with challenges, boundaries and the like.
I too was the family scapegoat and servant myself for a long time.
I sought out help and went to therapy and highly recommend going to anyone who grew up in a family like mine.
No shame in my game.
I truly believe that people who grew up in abusive homes like we did should not be caregivers to their abusers when they become needy.
Many of us make this mistake because there had been years of abusive conditioning.
It's always a mistake though and the abused child/caregiver is always the one who suffers the most.
I don’t know what your back story is on your relationship with your dad and brother. Every family has their own unique story.
Sometimes, we feel obligated to them just because they are are parents or siblings.
I know that I couldn’t see things clearly for a very long time. I kept thinking that I could somehow change my situation to create harmony within my family. I was wrong. None of us have that kind of power.
I am so happy to see that you are able to emotionally distance yourself from your dad, so that you are able to protect yourself from his abuse. It sounds like you have a great support system with your husband.
It’s a shame that your dad didn’t appreciate all of your efforts. Whether this is due to his being incapable of it, due to mental illness or if he is just plain evil, I couldn’t say because I am not his therapist. Regardless, it’s still hurtful to you. I’m so sorry.
Just know that you are doing the right thing by stepping away to protect yourself.
A long time ago, I said to a friend of mine that I wish I could help my brother see what his behavior was doing to our family. She said to me. “I know that you do. It doesn’t have to be you. Step back and let someone else do it. You’re his sister and he will lash out at you. He is more likely to receive help or respond better to someone else.”
My friend gave me good advice. Sadly, my brother lived his life on a roller coaster of tumultuous ups and downs and didn’t want to listen to anyone else because he thought that he was smarter than everyone else. Some people are like that. It’s sad because they never grow as individuals.
You are growing. We aren’t always stronger because we hold on. It takes a lot of strength to let go. I’m proud of you for surrendering and allowing yourself to live in peace. Good for you!
Rather, the ONLY way you can get this kind of stubborn, unself-aware person the help they need is by allowing them their independence and letting them fail of they aren't up to the task. Propping them up denies them assistance.
There is such a thing as the 'right to rot'. People can live in filthy hoards and basically rot if they want to.
As for the guns. Don't give them back. Bring them to the police department with a letter from his doctor saying he has mental illness and is suicidal and can't have guns.
Do not put other people's lives in danger by giving him back the guns.
We don’t have to “ honor parents” that treat us poorly or put us in danger . We are not servants . We don’t do or give them what they demand . Dementia or no dementia , his actions have consequences that will eventually determine his fate . We can try to get our LO help from a distance . But sometimes we can’t control what happens.
Stay safe Victoria (((Hugs)))
So many posters here end up with mentally unstable/demented elders living in their homes, destroying families and marriages.
The ONLY way to prove that your father isn't capable of caring for himself is to let him have a trial of true independence.
You might consider letting his doctor know that you're cutting the cord and that dad is on his own. Giving the suicidal ideation, the doctor is almost certain to report dad to APS to get him on their radar as a vulnerable adult.
At some point, dad will end up in the hospital and will get placed. Do not take him into your home again.
Step way back. Let him fail . As the social worker told me to do about my mother .
The last thing you want is for him to hurt someone else. You could even have some liability for his actions with guns, since you know that he shouldn't have them. Be really careful about this.
I have, in the past, hidden a relative's guns in my attic for a long time after his doctor ordered them to be kept from him. There was no way the relative could get into the attic, so they were safe there until we could make other arrangements. You could secure the guns away from your dad in a similar way.
Good luck, and again, cheers for the way you've handled this sad situation.
Enough to hand someone a $20 or more for helping him get his house arranged without telling you he may have had help.
Replenish on a regular basis.
And ask Dad, do you need some cash?
You are not being too harsh Victoria.
1. No guns "the doctor said no guns, dad. Call the doctor. Here's the number".
2. Is dad paying for the storage unit? If yes, give him the key. Let him figure out how to get the stuff.
3. Call Adult Protective Services and get him on their radar as a vulnerable adult.
4. Get him an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist.
5. If dad calls in a lather, ranting, hang up and call 911. Tell them you fear your dad is having a stroke. Do this EVERY time he acts out, threatens suicide, violence, that you've stolen stuff.
Put delays on things that Dad does not need to live with. You are busy, you have a life, tell him you will need to do this later.
Get an assessment (a social worker) to determine if Dad can live alone.
Otherwise, give him what he wants, a list of resources in your area and stop answering his calls. Tell him you have had enough. You are no longer jumping at his demands. You are his adult daughter, not his slave. You will answer one call a day and he better be nice or you are hanging up. Give back what he gives. Respect goes both ways. He hasn't earned urs.
Your father is only 75 and very capable of caring for himself. My husband is 76 and needs no help from me.
What you are doing is very hard. Your dad has been abused, is elderly and demented, he is in need of oversight, just not by you.
Call APS to check on him and make sure the local police know his story. He will probably be blaming you for everything that goes wrong, so knowing the resources available could make a difference in the days ahead when it falls apart.
Read the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.
Wishing you lots of luck.
It is sad that he was abused too .
Give him his lawnmower and his tools, but make sure you document this by video or having a third party present when you deliver his equipment. If you don’t document this, he will blame you later down the road for stealing his stuff when his equipment gets stolen. Your father is at the point where he wants a scapegoat to shift HIS screwups on, and you are his scapegoat.
DO NOT allow him to emotionally and psychologically abuse you and blame you for HIS mistakes. Give him two choices of him paying his bills on his own or you can help to set up electronic bill payments for him. If he chooses to pay his bills on his own and he misses payments then so be it. He will be evicted from his house and it will be a learning lesson for him. You need to do this ASAP before you end up having a mental breakdown and before the situation gets out of hand and he reports you to the police for theft.
You need to put your father in an assisted-living apartment when his lease on the house expires in one year and visit him once in a while. Try your best to avoid the toxicity that he emits.
Praying that you find a solution to this problem soon.
I would never let him move back in with you ever! Get a notebook and itemize where his $$ went in the event he is calm enough to talk to.
Leave him alone and let him miss you. Do not take his calls. He can leave a msg in case of an emergency. Most likely @ 75 & unwell he is not going to change. Getting guns back is an absolute no due to his unstable behavior.
You can pay his bills electronically and set up auto pay. Set up an email for him for you to access and have all bills changed to paperless otherwise he will end up in the same mess with his $$.
Maybe groceries can be delivered?
Why is he 3 hours away? Just curious but you deserve some peace even if its small bits at a time. Care from a distance.
Not if he has suicidal ideation, either now or in the past.
Not if he resumes or continues driving, if (as your comments seem to indicate) he experiences swings in mood, activity level, and cognitive management.
Not if he has access of any kind to firearms.
Not if he is currently unable to accept rational, factual comments and suggestions from people who love him, and act on them in his own best interests.
These are painful and uncomfortable truths that many of us experience(d) early in “the journey”.
For yourself and for him, please don’t allow yourself to accept his “normal” without questioning it as objectively as you possibly can.
I hate the fact that you “feel used”, mostly because I remember that feeling all too well.
If you believe that this trial of independence is in his best interests, stay watchful in spite of your “walk away”, and be prepared with alternatives when, not if, he falters again.
Hard stuff for all of us, and not ever easy. We’re here for you.
If you give dad free reign to screw things up again, which you know he will. Are you really prepared to be done and not bail him out again?
If you are then yes turn everything back over to him with the exception of his guns.
If you know you will be his safety net again then dig in and don't give him free reign in his money etc.
If he lives in a rental that does all the yard care there is no reason for him to have those tools and equipment at his place.
He will be evicted if he starts hoarding this place. What will you do then? Will you let him move back in with you or be strong and tell him he needs to go to a facility?
Your dad will never change so it is up to you to change. He doesn't get to make the rules anymore. He lost that privilege when he destroyed his home and you had to bail him out.
When he calls demanding this or that and his guns you can and should hang up the phone.
I hope you really are done and will stop being manipulated by him. Good luck.
Is there a chance he is developing dementia? It's not mentioned in your profile but much of this behaviour is similar to the early stages of dementia. It often first shows with an inability to manage money properly, Is him being demanding new behaviour or has he always been like that?
By all means keep his guns away from him. ((((((hugs)))) to you,
Suggest you take at least 3 days without any contact, even phone.
Try that.
For you, and for your Dad to regain his composure.