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Mom is 85 years old, she was in the hospital for 11 days, I rescued her and brought her with me. She is getting better, but my blood pressure has gone up, my life has been given fullen to this woman. She feels I owe her for years ago, I am constantly getting her back to health, I am tired. I can't do it anymore.

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Adapting to each other can be tough. Parents are always parents, and we are always kids to them. I don't like the feeling that we somehow owe our parents for the work they did raising us. Responsibility passes down the line. They raise their children; we raise ours. We do owe love and respect to our parents unless they have done something to lose it. I believe a decent person will make sure that their parent is safe and cared for, whether it be in their own home or somewhere else. (It's strange how being decent often falls on one child, while the others go along their merry way.)

Texas is a great state to live in for senior services. If you think that you and she should not be living together, there are several good options in the communities around you. You would still be taking care of her, just not in your own home.

Probably most people in the group know how you feel. Most of us probably never imagined that we would be living with our parents at our age!
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Time to go for mom. You are no help to her if you suffer a stroke or heart attack.
Spend the time to look for a facility and check her in. Or hire an aid for 8hrs and leave the house. The facility will offer companionship, food and health care for the same cost as the 8hr. aid. When looking at the facility check out the caregivers , they are the backbone of the spirit and care. Sit down and have a dinner there and make sure the meals are carefully planned and edible. Take your time so that the move can be her last.
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I feel for you Shila... my mother moved in with me almost 3 years ago.... started out with the best of intentions to look after her after my father past away... but I constantly have to bury my frustrations over what the emotional, physical, psychologic tolls to me..... I cried and cried this past week.... if only because slowly my wonder feelings of my parents (my father's remain intact due to his sudden death) is slowly eroding into frustrations and anger....
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I understand how you feel. I am caring for my husband, though, and I know my feelings should be different, but they aren't. It's just hard being a caregiver no matter who it is we are caring for. I don't have the patience, strength or courage to take care of him. Physically doing for him is one thing, but it's the psychological toll it takes on you. Look for help somewhere before it's too late. Good luck and God bless.
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First of all, congratulations! You have now joined the group of us who are also caregivers, frustrated, confused, tired, at wit's end, etc. But, take a deep, deep breath, and get some exercise. Caregiving is a full-time job, and yes you do "owe" it to your mother to respect her in her old age, and take care of her as she took care of you when you were growing up. So stop whining and just take care of her until she passes. Then you can have yourself all to yourself.
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Wow, ferris1...I'm sorry, but your post is innappropriate. To tell someone to "stop whining" is neither compassionate or helpful. Sometimes peopel just need to vent and feel as though someone else understands.
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Shila - agreed. Time for Mom to go. Start looking into facilities in your area. I moved my parents to live closer to me so I could help care for them. I do everything for them, no help from family. Five major surgeries I've nursed them through. Dementia, addiction, abusive behavior, It's ugly. They live 4 miles down the road and that is too close. Dad declined so, now in a NH, not my home. I could never have my Mom live with me, would destroy my marriage and me! Do you have any family members that can help you make this transition? What are your options financially? Can she live 6 months with you and 6 months with a sibling? I know a few families that do this and while hard, it's better than shouldering the entire responsibility,

Good luck.

-SS
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Ferris, I really disagree with you.
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Shilaflores, don't let anyone make you feel bad. I understand completely. I've had Mom full time since January 1, and feel my entire life revolves around her. It upsets me a lot. Before that my sister and I shared her "custody" two weeks each. I've lost that help since she started working full time. She also lives 95 miles away so she is no help to me when Mom is here. Mom doesn't have the money to go into AL or she'd be in there right now. I am starting to interview people to come in here and help me. She will have to pay for it with her money, but so far she doesn't want to. She has enough for that a few times a week. I wish she could live somewhere else, but MS is not a place where you want to turn old, believe me. Unless you have the money to private pay, you really don't have a lot of options. It's sad, but it sounds like you might have some. I will have to impress upon her today, when she gets up that I can not be her entire life or else I will have to hurt someone. Lol. Seriously, I know how you feel. You feel stuck, like your entire is being sucked out of you. I try to go somewhere everyday even though when I get back Mom thinks I've been gone forever. Sheesh. I have been walking each morning, too, just the last few days, but I hope I can keep that up. I hope you can come with something. It's a struggle and I really understand.
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I know how you are feeling. I have had my 84 yr old mother living with my family for 3 years now. During that time, I have gone through so many emotional ups and downs. Sometimes the care I give is so sweet and others I am just tired and just do what I have to to get by. I wonder if she would be better off in a assisted living home but she doesn't want to go there and honetly I don't want her to either. It's just hard but one thing I know is that I will not have any regrets when she passes away. It's only me with the help of my husband and kids. My sister moved away 2 days after mama moved in with me. It was not supposed to be permanent, we were just rehabbing and she would then go back home. Our home has become her home, our bed hers. We were displaced to the living room. I still feel I am doing the right thing but when and if I feel the release to house her elsewhere, I will. It is just hard! The children becoming the parent, my bathing her the way she once did me, etc. Today I had to stay home from a field trip with my 12 year old because the gal that I pay to get her up for me daily has not been able to help for a week and a half. Thankfully, my husband was able to go with my daughter. I have come to know that this is just life. I pray that you and I will continue doing what we believe we are supposed to do, whether our moms are in our home or elsewehere. Blessings!
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Ferris 1.........I'm with Lily4! I've read your profile and "hands down"....it's great that you've sacrificed your life to take care of your husband. First of all, not everyone has the schooling and experience that you have!! Care giving may be easy for YOU and for many others, but NOT for all! It makes me wonder if all this compassion you display is sincere or just for others to pat you on the back! Jesse Belle, you need to take care of yourself! Yes, take a deep breath, cry cry , and cry! Then arrange for the help your mother needs. You will end up being so much more helpful to your mom AND you'll appreciate her again, when you visit and take her places in short intervals. I bring my mom home every weekend. We really do have a great time, and I know she appreciates it while she's "In the moment", but minutes later she'll not know who I am, or where she is....etc. You need to go with your gut feelings. If it's not right to keep her at home, then you know what you need to do, and do it. You'll be much happier and so will mom. Good luck!
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Wow ferris1, sounds like you could really use a break ! If you really think we're all whiners rather than people attempting to help and support each other during a very difficult time than you probably really don't belong here....and fyi...if I started to care for my mother the way she cared for others (including my sister and me) she'd be in a nursing home right now not here where I can make sure she's safe and ok....I do not feel I 'owe' her but I do feel she's my responsibility. I feel very sorry for those that will have to take on the task of caring for you...they do not 'owe' you either...having children is a choice made by the parent not the child...I have 4 of my own and know I can count on any of them to be there for me if necessary not because they owe me but because they love me and know I love them!
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Ferris1 is just another "you owe your mother" of growing members joining this website. I am fed up with these members who go around to different posts commenting their cruel negative verbal garbage. This particular one is not even a caregiver to a mother, but her husband. Why would these type members want to signify how ignorant they are is beyond me .
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Ferris1, your answer is unfeeling and inappropriate! Caring for an elderly parent is draining in SOOOOO many ways and many children have to put their own lives(their own kids, job, etc) on hold for MANY years to do so...and if the caregiver is not careful, their life could be in shambles after Mom or dad passes!! This forum is to ALLOW those of us who need to to WHINE and get a little bit of emapthy, advice from others in our shoes! Yes, i do feel we owe it to our parents to do the best we can to help them BUT our first priority is our OWN nuclear family, just as our parent's first priority was raising US. There are SOOO many factors to consider and since I have been caring for my mom for the past year with virtually NO help from my sibling, I now know to NEVER judge anyone in this postition or accuse them of "whining"..
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Does anyone feel they are in a war between their mother and husband? My Mom is 83 and she is obstinate and proud. We've asked her to not feed the one obese cat per the vet's instructions and she refuses. She's hidden food in cabinets for that cat when we go to bed. My husband has found it and here they go again. She also refuses to ask for help and I catch he trying to get her rollator down the back steps and other dangerous things. She runs hot and cold but definitely is jealous and trying to get my attention the minute she starts to feel bored. I've been taking care of he since my father died at 54 and I feel like I've spoiled her in a way and now she's self centered a bit. The stress erupts intermittently with them - especially if I get sick - my husband is frustrated and right yet my heart says put the PERSON first - regardless of what is going on - I cannot put the CORRECT thing above her, however, talk ad nauseum to her practically begging for he to please work WITH us. She will then turn around and do something (usually slipping the cat food) right in front of my husband and he has been doctoring for a year and she gets him so upset, he can't sleep and gets truly upset then I hear it for days. She simply doesn't care and has said so. I have been with her for the past 21 years - married 10 now - and cannot consider putting her in a home or anything cause I know her underneath and she's really a weak person having been rejected by he Dad when she was three and just has so much anxiety - she wouldn't do well 'out in the world'.
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Shila..I know how tiring and frustrating caregiving can be. And when the person you take care of feels like you "owe" them something, that makes it worse. I am in the same situation caring for my mil. And when someone tells you to quit "whining" and that you DO owe them for raising you, DO NOT LISTEN TO THAT!!!!! You are not whining and from experience, it sounds like you are on a "cliff" just ready to topple over the edge. You need a break. And there is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing wrong with saying you are just plain worn out. And FERRIS? Someone needs to jerk a knot in your tail for saying such a horrible thing to this obviously worn out lady. You should be ashamed. Its alright Sila..Weve got your back and you just vent all you want to hun!!!!
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I, for one, am glad to have at least this one outlet. I think it is wrong to put others down for sharing their feelings in this incredibly taxing and challenging process. I find remnants of myself in many of the comments on this site and it is comforting for me. So much of the time we just need to vent and to know we are not alone in our plight. I have felt 'swallowed up' and overwhelmed by my situation at times. I hope all who experience caregiving challenges find their solution and peace. There are some answers to be found but do reach out.
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Are there any family members that could give you a hand? Or maybe invite your mom for a visit so you could have some "me time"? You might be able to find respite care too, depending on where you live. Sometimes getting a break occasionally can help you to see things in an entirely different light. If you have something to look forward to, things dont seem so hopeless.
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We certainly do need to "vent" at times. Taking care of aging family members is very draining physically and mentally. This "you owe them" business is not accurate -- it's a case by case issue. How about this one Ferris -- I've been taking care of a parent for 47 years (first recollections). I'm 53 now. She was very needy from the get-go and every day even as a kid I was planning what I needed to do to "take the burden" off of her. My needs were not met and I do not "owe" her. Still, because I'm an only child the burden falls to me. Tired? Yeah, you bet. As I have aged I am not as resilient. I also have a special needs child and one that is still in school-age years. Thank goodness my spouse is as strong as he is. There are stories behind each of these posts that would go on for pages no doubt. Not all of these stories are "cookie cutter" and happy-ending perfect; that is a mis-represented expectation. Our elders had "helps" when they sent us off to the care of a teacher/coach/Sunday School teacher for a good portion of every week in our school years. This was also the generation who told us when we were 18 we were "grown" and expected to take care of ourselves. Well, they are over 18 years old, why do they think they are allowed to act like toddlers? Do not fall for the idea that any other care besides yours is not acceptable. Look for all the helps available and utilize them. Make it clear that this is how it is supposed to be. And, vent -- with humor, with vigor -- it is not whining.
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Every post I have read of the caregiver wife has been ingragiating and arrogant.
I think it's just another form of venting. Poor thing. She and that other one who has a weird interpretation of honoring one's parents may implode eventually.
Shilaflores, we support you in reclaiming your life. Are you going to place her? What is the next step to resolve this, Dear One? We are listening. xo
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Ferris1... Honey you really need a break and fast. This site is for being compassionate and understanding with others that are in emotional crisis. We are here to help one another and listen and offer our own feelings and helpful advise. We need one another not negative remarks. Myself and others are riding the caregiver train alone. We are not "Whiners". We are only seeking help in terrible situations.
Anksana-Moon
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I have found that people label other's venting as whining because they are trying to make them feel one way or the other. This social tactic is offensive and inappropriate especially since the purpose of this website is to support and not to give advice about what you should or shouldn't express. What this poster feels and does is her own business and anyone who feels the need to label it negatively should indeed leave the site or keep their thoughts to themselves. After all as has been pointed out, these posts are but a glimpse and most are looking for validation and to vent or find some ideas to find help.
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Shilaflores, taking care of an aging parent is tough, it does make one tired, frustrated, and angry. You do not say what is wrong with your mom, but I can tell you my mom says things to me that I know she doesn't mean. My mom has Alzheimer's and just this week, she told the nurse that phooey Alzheimer's, that I just needed to do what she told me to.

I know my mom says that because of the disease because my mom was a kind loving woman and wouldn't be that mean under normal conditions.

It is a tough thing to care for an aging person, we all have days we need to vent and cry. Take a deep breathe, vent, and look to see if there are services to help you. Some places have daycare or senior centers where you can have your family member go to give you a break.

Hang in there and vent on her if you need to.
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Shila,
I feel for you. I have been taking care of Mom now for six years, since my Dad passed away. I felt I owed it to Mom as when they both lived with me, I let my own life get in the way. But now I realize I also had to have a life! I am turning 65 and since taking care of them both, have developed my own health problems. Afib possibly related to stress! I have no life of my own anymore, but I won't give up caring for Mom. In answer to someone else here, who's posts I haven't seen. All I can say, is wait till you are in someone elses shoes! My parents put their own parents into nursing homes. This is why I felt the need to keep Mom at home. Sometimes though, it's simply too much for one to bear alone. Hang in there, you have our thoughts and prayers!
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Marlenia123,...Thank you for your most appropriate critique of "Ferris1'!!! You are right , not everyone here has a background in this field, so we are "learning as we go", so to speak! It is a very hard road to hoe for all of us everyday! But then when you have someone who's obviously conceited and needs to have themselves, as you said, "patted on the back" all the time for their "sacrifices".... just plain shameful ! Keep up what you are doing everyone...and remember there are those of us who care no matter what!! We don't need to get our affirmations by blowing our own horns either!! Godbless the TRUE caregivers.....!
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My mom has dementia and has been living with me over 2 years. Sure its tuff but would not have it any other way. We have had to make adjustments in our life but wwe all agree i was worth it. Mom can be a real pain in the neck sometime but I love her and when I get really upset with her I just remember the good times and the good memories I am still making with her every day. My mom is 82 and might not be here much longer but as long as she is my home and heart is always open to her.
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I also had my mom live with me for 6 1/2 years. She came to us with a little dementia that turned in to Alzheimers. My mom passed away on March 6th at home with my family, her sisters, (who are all in their 80's,) surrounding her with love. My husband and I had felt sorry for ourselves and I often complained, was impaitient with her and at times resentful. My husband was at home with her most of the time. One day I realized that this was part of life and my mom's love that she showed for everyone during her life was worth the short time that our life style would be altered. It really got hard to take this past year and a half. I had looked into a nursing home and at one time assisted living, but soon realized my mom did not have much time left. I hired 3 wonderful care givers and paid them from my mom's SSI check. In February she had a fall from a UTI, developed pnemonia and at that time became Hospice qualified. We had Hospice for 1 month before she died. She declined rapidly, but was in the best place ever. Happy in her own surroundings in her own bed with so much love and support. I feel so blessed to have had my mom. She was the best and deserved the best. My only regret is my lack of patience I had with her at times. I realized that came from not totally understand Alzheimers and what that terrible illness does to a person mind. My mom was kind, gentle and loving. I am at peace now when I think of her and cherish that last month of her life. Time is precious. Enjoy every moment with them. They will be gone before you know it.
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Shilaflores, I completely understand your feelings of frustration. It is so difficult sometimes to be the caregiver for an elderly parent. My mom is 83, and I have been sole caregiver for two years now, but I feel like it has been 20 years! I never knew it would completely engulf my life to the point where I feel like I have no life. She can be very good at times, but her dementia is getting worse, and I sometimes think I will just lose my mind. I pay for the groceries, the bills, cook and clean and have a full time job. Her credit had completely gone south before I took over paying her bills because she did not remember to pay them. At least with me living here I am able to keep track of what needs to be paid. She can go from "poodle to pitbull" in about 10 seconds, so I never really know what to expect as far as her behavior. I have hired several different companies to come in and be her companion, however she has found something she does not like about every single one of them. I barely ever leave the house without her because she literally throws a fit when I do. When I do take her with me, she becomes too tired to walk, so I end up bringing her home and then I go back out again to complete necessary errands. I have tried to engage her in social activities, but she again decides she does not like anyone there, so she does not interact with hardly anyone but me. Please make sure you take care of yourself, and do not let anyone make you feel bad...You have very real feelings and you are allowed to vent! I hope you are feeling a little better in knowing that your feelings are valid and shared by many adult children taking care of an older parent.
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Ferris 1 I totally know where u are coming from. You get, I think more emotionally drained then anything else. I have been caring for my mom now going on three years on top of working a graveyard shift full time . My days are non stop and seems like never ending. If I get five hours of sleep a day, I am doing good! I was the type that had everything in place and up to par in the home. Needless to say, not anymore!! I go one day at a time and take many deep breaths. I have no help from anyone, but am trying to find some because moms income is below prouverty level. They just make it soo difficult and time consuming . You really do end up feeling like a prisoner in your own home. My mom has leukemia , Parkinson's , slight dementia, which will only get worse, congestive heart failure and bone grinding against bone on her knee which she can't have surgery because her heart is too weak. She basically can't do anything for herself other then eat. It's hard, I know! I am just hoping The Lord will repay me someday!!
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I feel the same way... and I don't know what to do! I hope knowing that you are not alone helps... (((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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