Ok, I am at the end of my rope, what do I do? I am tired of supporting my parents. My husband and I have no retirement.

WHY?! Why are you doing this? Why are you enabling your father's selfish behavior? Why isn't your immediate family and your own needs coming first? Wow! I just do not get this.

I could also ask why your mother has chosen to stay with this narcisstic person all these years. Maybe getting her out of the house is exactly the solution. Get her set up in subsitdized housing. Or help her file for divorce and demand alimony. Or let your parents work out their own marital problems.

But first and foremost, take care of your own children. Take care of your future with your husband. Say "No more" and walk away.

reindeermama, you are right to be tired of it. You can't control what your father does, or what your mother decides, but you can pull yourself out of it. Please save the money for yourself and perhaps your mother if she needs to pull herself out of the situation. The way it sounds now is that you are pouring your money into a bottomless pit. It is much better to save it for something useful.

yes, you can walk away. others here have. you were never meant to take care of your parent's finances at the risk of your own. if your mom wants out, then she needs to say so. but i doubt she does. she has never left him yet. if she does divorce him, she will get a larger share of the social security money.

Thank you all for your answers. I think your answers helped me to see how I am enabling this behavior. I think I had some kind of sense of obligation and probably guilt that I had to help out my parents because they raised me and I am an only child. It helps to know that other people see it as I do. We don't live grandly, and it hurts to scrape, and do without and see someone so careless with money that you work hard to make. I think that I have always been "the fixer" for my parents and have continued on in this roll and you are all right. I don't mean this cruelly, but it is time for them to be mature and take care of their own marriage and situation. I will help my mother get settled if she asks for help, but for my own sake and that of my family I just need to say no.

Cancel the credit cards.. have him declared incompitent if you have too apparently there is something seriously wrong with him to have that much debt and still keep spending. Credit counseling etc. talk to his creditors have a limit put on the one card. 250 a month ? what is he buying ? Cancel the cell phone is it absolutely necessary? You have got to start taking precautions to protect yourself debt transfers back to you. Get direct pay out of their checks so bills stay paid and that's it. What's left is left for them to live on. Roles change kinda like you never spent more than your allowance did you?

I never got an allowance. My mother and I would have to hide the clothes when she bought them for me. He has always been like this. I am going to freeze his credit report so that people will not issue any new credit. I am also sending out letters to his creditors that I will no longer be able to pay his bills, and I am talking to a lawyer about him declaring bankruptcy. He is 87. My husband does not use our credit cards unless it is for an emergency. Running from a hurricane, huge car repair over $1000. etc. We are on a budget. It may be the pits, but I have always assumed everyone has one. He gives political donations, buys sexual enhancement cremes, coins, you name it...he buys it. He has always tried to give
the appearance of being well off. Me and mine, well we just want work, pay our bills, and hopefully be liked for who we are, not what we have. My mother has always been conscious of money also. She worked all of her life, and paid a lot of the bills, including our house payments when I was growing up. I remember having to move into a hotel and live them while my mother worked as manager of it because he had screwed up in some get rich quick scheme. We were being evicted from the apartment and then my mom got this job so we would have a place to live. He has done this all his life. I think part of the problem is Mom and I have always been there to bail him out. I bailed him out when he almost lost his business, and then worked 60 hours a week for $500. a month. This was in the early 1990's. How stupid was I??? He is never going to change. Maybe this is a addiction to power. He feels powerful and in control when he spends???Who knows???? Thanks for the info. I do appreciate it. Some friends were worried about the same things you said.

I never got an allowance either.. My dad always had to have a huge lincoln even when he was a plumber when plumbers didnt make what they do now and with 5 kids, if it wasnt for my mom i dont know what we would of done either. I feel for you, but you have got to protect yourself and your future. Maybe with the bankruptcy issue they will freeze his cards, and make it hard for him to apply for anymore. We can only hope.

I would like to say everyone who has answered my post. Thank you so much!!!!
It means a lot to me that people have taken there time to read and answer.
Again, thank you!!

Reindeermama, some good ideas in the above posts. He has been able to spend as he liked for all his life, no one has reined him in, or forced him to face the consequences of his actions. So by all means, you have NO obligation to pay his bills; he has social security and he and your mother should be able to get by on it. Your mother will have to make her own decisions - hate to be rude, but it is more than high time she did. You should be using your money for the future of your family. Husband and kids first!

Also, I'd like to add, your husband is a saint for putting up with this.
You sound like 2 softies. Dad is 87, your plan to cut off credit and bankruptcy sounds very smart

Oh my! Please follow through on all of the above advice. While not in as dire a situation as you are, I too have a mother ( father passed 15 yrs ago) who has never had to worry about money. My dad worked hard, saved, invested etc. and my mother has always had whatever she wanted. While not completely extravagant, she has always had money. Since dad died, she has went through the 401K that he had put in place. She is now living with us because she says "she is afraid to live alone". The reality is that she has nothing left but her monthly SS and is afraid she won't have enough money to do all the things she wants to do. Suffice it to say, I feel like an idiot after my husband and I moved to where she lives to make her happy. He has a part time job and I cannot find one so now we are going through OUR 401k accts to make ends meet every month. Mom gives us $400 eachnmonthnto help pay bills. The funny thing is is that we are consistently short each month by $600 so we make up the shortfall by dipping into our retirement! In the meantime, she continues to pamper herself by going out to lunch at least 2 times per week, getting her nails done, pedicures and then the ultimate: she booked airline tickets for she and my uncle to fly to NC for 18 days! My husband and I don't even go out for dinner to save money. I am beyond angry and resentful as I watch my retirement going down the drain.....so please, do what you have to do and do it now! I feel so trapped. Did I mention that she is only 77.....with some health issues that obviously are not serious enough to stop her from enjoying herself. I am going to have to put my foot down somehow or we will be living in a studio apartment somewhere living off of canned food......with no one to support us!

I do not mean to be hard on you because you sound like a person who absolutely loves and (misguidedly) is trying to honor your parents. This is DYSFUNCTIONAL. Put on the brakes. Stop. Now. If your parents are totally broke then there are resources to help them. But it could not be more important than it is (than it WAS years ago!) for you to be looking out for the day when you and your husband are old. Otherwise, YOU become someone else's burden. Call 211. In most communities this is a resource for many places funded by county funds to help with seniors' housing and healthcare requirements and how to hook them up with those resources. Also for you. Get someone professional to talk to for yourself. You need to work through whatever guilt has brought you to this place and get on with your life and hopefully a healthier relationship with them.

You have been offered some very good advice. Before you do anything in respect to your father and mother, please go and talk to a bankruptcy lawyer (not just any lawyer). Laws are very strict and confusing now days. If you or your mother have been assigned as "Power of Attorney" on your father's will, you could be held responsible for all his debt. You definitely want to talk to your bankruptcy lawyer about cancelling "all" of your father's credit cards. Your father has an extreme "sickness" in spending as much money as he can. He must of had this problem before marrying your mother. Your mother loves your father with all her heart. Unfortunately, your mother has allowed this problem to continue. Unless your mother is forced to do so, she will "never" leave your father.
Does your father have a friend he could go visit for a few days? If so, this would be a good opportunity to move your mother into either a Senior Community Living Apartment, IL or AL. Unfortunately, it takes a great deal of time to process all the paperwork for your mother to move into an apartment. You need to start making plans for your mother now. NOTE -- until your have spoken with a bankruptcy lawyer, (do not) sign your signature on any forms for your father or mother. Your mother might not want to leave her home. Tell her that your father has gone to visit a friend for a few days. Tell her you don't want her staying by herself and you are taking her to an apartment where she will be safe. Give her plenty of time to adjust to the move. She will want to know why she can't go back home. Just tell her it isn't time for her to return home. In a round about way, this would be classified as a "little white lie". However, at this point you must protecy yourself, your family, and your mother. Your mother may just find that she is very happy with her new environment. If your father doesn't have a friend, your husband could take him shopping for a couple of hours. This would allow you and the movers to move your mother out of her house very quickly. This is sad to say but this is going to be a "push come to shove" situation.
This immediate upset in your father's life might make him realize what he has done to himself and to your mother. Since your father has had this spending problem most of his life, and since he is 87 years of age, I seriously doubt that he will change his ways. When his credit cards are cancelled, and he knows that he no longer has his wife living with him due to his addition, he may become a very abusive and distructive person. If your father becomes completely emotionally "out of control", you may have no other choice but to move him to a safe place such as a Care Home, etc. NOTE: You need to contact a Care Giver Office in your area and talk to them and ask for their advice in this matter.
Above all, it is time for you to take time to regain control of your life. If you are not a well person who loves herself, you can't help anyone else. In my personal opinion, it takes a "real man" for your husband to stand by your side all this time. Even though your parents are your mother and father, you have children and a husband whom you must protect.
I am sorry to have to present myself to you on straight forward basis. I feel I can share my honest opinions with you because I have been through this same situation myself. As it has been said, "I wish I knew then what I know now". It is better to face the truth and not suffer any further consequences. Please note that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

I feel so sorry for you and all you have gone thru. I know that it feels like helping when you do things for your parents but you have really enabled them to continue to not take responsibility for their lives. Unfortunately it is time for your father to grow up and he is not going to go down quietly. You are a wonderful daughter and they are lucky to have you in their lives. Go out and live your own life and start saving for your retirement. Hug your husband and kids and let your parents take care of themselves!
We are ALL thinking of you and we know you will be strong and do what is best!!!

Consider following Dave Ramsey's advice. He has books available with budgets. I'm no expert, but I think he would say your dad needs to cut up the credit cards. With their income there is NO WAY their credit debt will EVER be paid off. Dave Ramsey offers simple math ways to figure out how it works. The first thing to consider is not spending money they don't have. As a daughter, I also want to help my family and I can relate to your desire to be a good family member, but perhaps instead of money, you can help with solid financial information and advice. Sit with your dad and help him get his finances in order. Help him see how he can focus on paying off his debt rather than charging more things. I hope this is helpful. I listen to Dave Ramsey on the radio and always learn something. He helps people understand what is important, what the priorities should be, what should be done first and what not to do. I get the feeling that some people, although it is a struggle at first, find it to be an exciting and positive challenge to get their own finances in order. If your dad could shift from being a (selfish) spender, to being the family expert on finances... then Everyone would want to pay attention to him. ;-)

Well you are the ones who have to make it stop. He certainly isn't going to help you or help himself. If the house is paid for, they have a place to live. Stop giving him money. They will have to re-organize their finances and learn to live within their means. They have a house paid for, they have SS, they have Medicare -- they have more advantages than most of us. There is nothing for you to feel guilty over except that you are robbing your own family and future. A Narc is never going to respect you and they will always cause damage -- they do not know any other way. You have to save yourself, your family, your futures and not feel bad about it. Just stop sending them money and tell them you all need it now. Refer your parents to a financial manager and they have to work out a plan and new habits.

I LOVE that you suggested Dave Ramsey. He is a tough love kind of guy and he is great at helping you realize how you are spending your money. We started following his plans and will be completely debt free when we are 60 (house included) so we are not a financial burden on your boys. These financial issues with our parents have really clarified what our retirement goals should be. Dave also recommends a book that I have read called "Boundaries" which would help you as well!

Great suggestion Sooozi!

Bayoubaby! I was just thinking I need to get moving and shut down my computer, then I read your post... While my finances are in good shape (and always, always need tending), I have been told over and over that I need to learn to establish.... "boundaries" I am delighted that Dave Ramsey has a book by that title. I'm going to run out and get it TODAY! This is .... what's the word? Serendipitous? Thank YOU for the suggestion. I hope everyone on this site has a GREAT day! :-)

One thing I heard you say about your parents is that your dad wants your mother 'out'. Does that mean he wants a divorce? If so, (sorry), then HE can be the one to go. That's another thing to ask the attorney about. If they are separate, she would be entitled to some of his social security proceeds too. And her small income as well, so once you have the lay of the land financially you can assist her in finding suitable housing. If there is a house to sell, that would be split assets as well.
I am not encouraging them to divorce - I just read what was written. If he is abusive and self centered, then she's better off, it would seem, without him. The way you describe him, I would cut him off financially, take care of your mother by helping her figure things out and then let water seek its own level. If the only reason he's been in any way nice to you is that you 'fund' him, then you don't have a relationship really anyway. If your mom wants to stay and let him be abusive and let you take the fall, she is a volunteer and not a victim.

You need to take $1500.00 and file bankruptcy for them. I had to do this when my mother was 78 and still working to keep up with the minimum payments on her cards. The lawyer told us she could of made 10k more and still been eligible to file. This took a lot of pressure off of her and allowed her to retire...finally. It was a fairly easy process compared to watching the creditors eat her alive.

Keep the Mom - tell Dad if someone has to leave the house it's going to have to be him. If they own the house, sounds like their combined income should see them through. Maybe Dad has vices he hasn't told you about e.g. gambling & drinking, etc.Think of where your hard-earned money may be spent! Best get your Mom some legal aid to find out what her rights might be, but she should not budge from that house (unless she is not safe there, in which case I think you could apply for a court order to remove him). Possibly your Dad will even wind up having to pay support to your Mom which would serve him right, because it looks as though he has never had to shoulder this responsibility. Also your Mom may qualify for financial assistance. How did you ever get into the ridiculous spot of supporting your Dad? Certainly sounds like he never did deserve your kindness, but maybe he has conditioned you to feel responsible for his mismanagement of finances and his life in general seeing as now he is asking you to rid him of a now inconvenient marriage to your Mom. Seems like this guy never had to grow up and I would bet that along the way you weren't the only ones who took on responsibilities that belonged to him. You and your Mom are victims of an aging adolescent. Time to make him stand on his own feet. Start now. Don't wait.

WARNING, hopefully your name is not on his credit cards. He could have put you on without your permission. If so, you might be held accountable for his debts. If they do not have your name, perfect. Otherwise you need to follow-up immediately and have your name removed. Praying for you all.

I have dealt with a similar thing, but with just one parent. In some states, folks on fixed incomes can file bankruptcy for hundreds of dollars less than working people. I looked into this for my mother. And, I know you've heard this from others, but stop, please. My mother used to demand that I give her "hundreds of dollars" every time I got paid and I would ask "why?" She never got it, so she stopped asking. She would get money from me in other ways--overdrawing bank account and so forth. If you stop, he will be forced to do something. When I stopped paying for all of my mother's bounced checks, she started being more careful. We show others how to treat us. Sadly, for some of us, that includes our parents, whom we trust and love. When we are too nice, our demanding parents take advantage.

I can only say to all of you thank you so much for your care and answers. I think I have been conditioned to always take care of his messes. But it is time to stop. Thank you all so much for all of your suggestions. I am trying to make sure I cover all the bases. And that is because of everyone's good advice. I am going to live my life and take care of my family. I never want to do this to my children. My husband is truly wonderful.

If it were me (and I'm kind of in the same situation - but in a much smaller way), I'd demand his cards and, if he doesn't relinquish them, report them as stolen. You're on the right track with his credit report. Ideally, you want to destroy his credit - that's the only thing that will reign him in at all. He should stop paying the credit card bills immediately! It's unsecured debt. The issuers of the cards had an opportunity to look at your father's ability to pay. If they decided to give him a card anyway, that's a risk they chose to take. I had my dad stop paying on his 15+ credit cards (you heard me right!). The credit card companies (actually the companies that buy up the debt at pennies on the dollar) harass non-stop (change his phone number), but they eventually give up or sue. I've gone to court with a couple of my dad's creditors who took it that far. The tangled web they've woven of buying and reselling debt just ticks off judges. The debt has changed hands so many times they can't prove they have a right to collect. I've learned more about the insane debt fall-out of the Bush years than I ever cared to know. These companies made money whether the people they lent money to could pay them back or not! That's a recipe for the desperate situation so many people find themselves in now.

While it's not something I'd ever advise for a younger person (without compulsive buying habits) and certainly not something I'd do myself, the best option is just to stop using and stop paying. At his age, your dad really has no pressing need for good credit and he won't likely live long enough for them to catch up with him.

Your dad will not likely be able to reform his ways. My friend put her dad (see, you're not alone!) on a strict budget and stuck to her commitment to supplement him with $200 a month and no more. Every month, he runs through his money, her contribution, and then starts borrowing from others! She's had to suffer the embarrassment of telling friends and family that she already helps out her dad financially, that she cannot be expected to pay back any of his debts and that she advises no one to lend him money.

Do everything you can to protect your family and your mom from him. Find out as much detail as you can about your parents' finances (names on the deed, names on the debt, etc), then invest the money you would have given him this month in a visit with an elder law attorney. Money well spent.

p.s. I'd love to be able to sit over coffee (better yet, wine) with you and commiserate! I feel your pain : )

reindeermama,

It sounds like your family has some deeply embedded, dysfunctional behaviors.
Dad sounds like he has some serious impulse control issues,
and control issues /abusive/neglectful behaviors from long ago.

SINCE he has not gotten help or diagnosis all his life,
he has NO right to expect you,
or anyone else,
to keep bailing him out.
Anyone doing that, is bailing a continually sinking boat, and guaranteed, the bailer WILL go down with the boat, too!!

IF you are independently wealthy, maybe you can afford that.
But if you are struggling in any way,
you are continuing that behavior in your own home.
You have a special needs child.
Even though he has ASD, he can also pick up on that stuff,
unless he is very closed into himself.
Our child with ASD did....we did the best we could to teach him to be the best he could, yet he picked up some of our bad family issues, as well.
NOT good.

Start building a fund for your child; he will need it.
The best we could do, is get ours onto SSDI.
IT's not gonna be good enuf, as time goes by, but it is better than nothing.
We had nowhere near the income you describe, though.
YOU have a chance to build a good fund to help care for your child, and to build a good retirement fund for yourself, with what you describe.
VERY, VERY important.
But you cannot do that, if you allow historically irresponsible elders to suck you dry.

People have given VERY, very good advice here.

Dad needs a closely governed allowance
--better yet, a care program that controls his funds, so he only has a fraction of cash to play with, and no credit cards.
Whoever does governance,
must also be in charge of his ability to get credit cards
---to stop him from getting more
---ruin his credit if possible, so they stop sending applications.
He needs debt counseling [if possible][kinda late in game].
Mom will not likely leave, as she is Co-dependent.

****YOU need to get yourself OFF any document that could leave you personally liable for Dad's or Mom's debts--and fast!

You have a big heart, and it is clear you care deeply
--you have been taught to be a "very good Co-dependent person"
--an enabler, from childhood--that's what we do.
And, it was very successful--you have been doing just that.

PLEASE get help to get off that spinning wheel of dysfunction!
For instance,
All the AA programs have co-dependent programs as well
--those do deal with alcohol and/or drugs,
BUT, the rules are the same for the Behaviors that prop those up
--they can teach you the basics....it's online, too.

Counseling can be helpful, too.
Find one that works for you--keep looking if the 1st one is not an optimal match by the end of a few sessions.

When these behaviors are in a family, it is not just you and your generation
--it goes back many generations,
and will keep going forward in those who fail to get help stopping it..

I sure pray you are able to put things into better condition for you,
and very soon! {{{hugs!}}}

Great advice from posters, Reindeermama. Dad is an elderly adolescent (when he is not being a tot in a tantrum). Mom is a co-dependent - it will be very hard for your to help - do what you want to and are able to without compromising yourself and your family's health and financial future. She probably will have to hit bottom, before being willing to listen. Be extremely careful of doing anything that would make your responsible for his (or their) debts and of any attempts to guilt you by manipulating Mom. Hopefully you can then put the money you are now shelling out to credit card companies into your future and that of your family. And don't feel bad about the credit card companies! (I know, we are all laughing, but I did have a friend who was manuevered into paying parents' debts. I've worked around those people and believe me they know exactly what they are doing when they give credit cards out like candy on halloween to people who clearly cannot pay. Please don't encourage them. Telling anyone else who might be talked into lending money to your Dad that you will not be paying his debts may save you a lot of grief - that way they will know what they are getting into if they choose to go ahead. You might want to read up on what debt collecters are allowed and NOT ALLOWED to do! They will try to threaten, trick, guilt you - knowledge may save you lots of grief. I found that knowing something about these laws can be very useful protection. By the way, if the debt collectors harrass your Dad - well, he made his own bed, didn't he?

Reindeermama:

I'd like to add a couple of things.

First, even if you have POA for your father or mother, that does not make you responsible for bills and debts that they have incurred

Second, I think one of the reasons you are in this mess is because you have learned to do it as a result of your relationship with your mother. She was always tying to clean up after your dad and you learned to be close to her by doing the same when you were a child and it has continued into your adulthood.

Third: You will never have the power to stop your dad from getting his hands on a credit card(s). These companies give them to anybody. It doesn't matter if they have terrible credit or declared bankruptcy. There are still credit card companies that will give them a card, it will just be at a very high interest rate.

Fourth: You might want to go to a title company in your dad's county and have them do a property search on their home. If don't know if you are under the impression that their home is paid off, but regardless, you should check to see if their are any new loans against the property, any liens against the property from previous creditors or any back taxes that are not current.

You can file bankruptcy for your parents, but it will not stop your dad from finding a way to run up new credit cards. A person has to want to live within their means and your father does not. I'm not sure it's worth your time and more of your hard earned money to take this step.

I agree that credit cards are unsecured debt, but I'm not sure that a credit card company could not go to court, and obtain the right to file a lien against your parents house. That's a question for an attorney and the answer would tell you if filing bankruptcy, from a cost perspective, makes sense.

As for your parents marriage, your mom needs to make a decision if she would be happier living on her own or not. If not, there is nothing you can do. If she truly wants out, then the best decision would be to sell the house and split the assets and follow through with a divorce so her income is elevated. However, your mom has been in a certain role all her life with your dad and I don't think she is going to rock the boat now.

The only thing you can do is check out the possibility of additional liens, unpaid taxes, etc. against the house; explain it to your mom (if there is anything to explain), get some simple questions answered from an attorney and then decide what really makes the best sense. Don't just do more for the sake of doing it.

Get excited about your life and your families future. Read some of those books that have been mentioned and don't do it for your parents. Do it with you and your family in mind.

Best wishes, Cattails

You all are so great. My behavior as being the "fixer" has been ingrained my whole life. But it is time for me to stop being the "fixer". I am not saying that I am not having trouble stepping out of my age old roll, but he will never change. It has been extremely hard on my family financially. I find I resent all the money I feel that I have poured down the hole, and the whole time he lied and promised to file bankruptcy and stop using the credit cards. He just stopped using the ones I knew about, not all the ones I didn't. The lawyer had told us that he needed to stop using the credit cards for a year before filing so the Judge would not look askew at it. Well, he did, the ones I was paying, I didn't know about him charging up the one we had paid off, or the other ones he had gotten. And I was going through his mail and throwing offers out. He also, I only found out because he accidentally gave them my address, tried to mortgage another ladies property in town(like a reverse mortgage). I really do love my Mom, and I had taken on the role as her protector. It is hard to stop being the protector, but I have a family. My husband has not allowed my son to be around my father for several years now because of his behavior. I hope we can stop this now. I am really trying to get help. I love my husband and children. It is disgusting when because of my financial help that my Dad was living on a bigger budget then our family was with three children. My dad has 12 credit cards, and at least $70,000. still in debt. He is just sick...I am not going to continue...I will not! Thank you all so much for all your help and suggestions!!! I do appreciate it!!

Dear Reindeermama, and all,

Isn't there is supposed to be some sort of "flag" notice, that can be placed on credit reports, that wards off potential C/C vendors, I thot---anyone know?

I do know that towards the end of the 1990's or so, bankruptcy laws changed substantially, making it tougher to bankrupt.

Also, that if someone "rolls balances together" in a "consolidation loan" of any kind, that has usually prevented anyone bankrupting on that--they then must pay that off--even if at reduced rates.

ALSO, once a person has filed bankruptcy, after one year, credit card companies, car dealers, etc. FLOCK to that person making offers of lines of credit, because they know that person cannot file bankruptcy again for something like 7 to 10 years--they HAVE to make payments, and, the loans will be at hugely higher % rates.

With a POA, I wonder if you can do anything to protect property they [[own??]], by transferring it into some kind of protective instrument?
Not sure what those are, but I believe people have done things like that.
IF someone has not YET taken out more mortgages on their property, it seems like a good move to do something to prevent them doing that, by changing the paperwork so someone else, or a Trust, or something, owns it, not Dad.

Geez---he tried to reverse mortgage someone else's property???
THAT is totally illegal! Like, isn't that a prison offense?

I knew a guy who collected and used credit cards -and used them to commit what really boiled down to theft and fraud. He had so many, they rivaled a deck of cards.
He charged up many thousands of dollars in goods, then stole a small tractor, stole a rental trailer to haul it all out of State.
He lived off that for some years, then disappeared...but then, he had a very long rap sheet--most of which he had managed to wiggle out of legally, somehow--despite using aliases, etc.---his list of things was terribly long and ugly. He figured, all those big businesses he stole from, could afford insurance to reimburse losses--he was an absolute Sociopath--totally believed people "owed him", even though he knew what he was doing was wrong; was quite a "Svengali". I was lucky to get away from his influence with my life and kids mostly intact.

So many big-hearted people get hoodwinked into helping, into trying all they can to help the sick ones "get better"
--but when we try to do that at the expense of our own health and welfare
---especially as you describe,
it is totally past-time to get help, get out of that kind of relationship, to save yourself and your own little family.
Many good women/mothers have lost good husbands, while trying to do what you have been doing.
That is waaaayyy toooo high a price to pay!!

I am so glad you are getting some help:
it is hard at first, but once you get going on it, things start working out better, as one learns better, one can do far better!
Keep up the good work!
We are anxious to hear how/what you do!
Whatever we learn by going thru what we do, and living to tell the tale,
we can share with others in the same shoes as we were, to hopefully help them learn faster and better than we did!

{{{hugs!}}}