My brother told me taking care of Mom is my job because I am the daughter. Any advice?

I don't know why, but caregiving generally falls on the female sibling.

Men used to really believe that certain things are "women's work" and they shouldn't/can't/don't need to bother their pretty little heads over those sort of things. And - Who am I kidding about "used to"?? OK, maybe he's avoiding bathroom duties semi-legitimately, but there are lots of other things he could be doing.

From what you described, it sounds to me like he's just feeding you a lousy excuse line of BS. I agree with another poster about not letting problematic people come around for holidays or family meals if this is the only time they come around. You're at the point of having to make the choice of putting your foot down hard and setting some boundaries as well as enforcing them. But what you can consider doing is giving the problematic people the choice to either help with your loved one, or they don't get to eat, plain and simple. This brother is no less your moms child than you are. Caregiving is actually supposed to be shared with the whole family, but sadly this is not the case these days.

Wonderful reply, beenthere60... and so true.
BTW what did happen OP. since its been 8mth since you wrote

Nobody has said this so I will. Perhaps your brother is uncomfortable with the "personal" stuff required to take care of Mom?? I am caring for my Aunt. She came to me because my male cousin was uncomfortable for just that reason. She had lived with him and his wife for 3 years. His wife was the primary care giver and suddenly died. Do I think it is a convenient out for him? Yes. Do I think he would be able to care for her? No. Since he brought her and her belongings to my home almost a year ago I have not heard from him or his family once. And now that I have a year under my belt I know he couldn't have done it. I barely can. So I will share something with you that I learned a long time ago. I believe I'm quoting Einstein "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results". You have been caring for Mom all these years, carrying the anger and resentment, doing what you always do and expecting things to change. The fact is, they won't. Take a moment and recognize all the resentment and anger is not hurting your brother at all but it is tearing you apart. Let it go. Take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do to make that happen. That will make you a better daughter for your mother. Don't lose yourself or your life in the process. God Bless!

I would like to understand my brother's reasoning in relation to my time in caring for our mother. He fancies himself as having the most business experience of all siblings in the family. He resents that I am first in line for POA and executrix. The old adage "time is money" doesn't seem to enter into his reasoning regarding my time. I work and have children at home. If I spend time caring for my mother without any paid help from the outside, then the elder care expense is shifted to my husband. If my mother has the means to pay for some caregiving then why shouldn't that expense be hers? Why should my husband bear the expense of my mother's care? I do spend time caring for my mother, but at critical moments, we have had paid care. Yes, this care is very expensive, but my husband should not be required to underwright this expense.

I can't find the post, but someone said they are spending all their parents money on their care thst way the selfish siblings get nothing in the end. All I can say is good for that person. Its usually the ones that don't do become vultures when the parent dies. TG my brothers don't care about an inheritance. Either did my husbands brothers.

My brother in NC works as does his wife. I'm the oldest and retired. I have the POA. My other brother is going thru a divorce. Not really worried about fixing up the house. Would take thousands that none of us has or time. I'm busy enough cleaning out and paying bills. I also have a disabled nephew who will need to be placed somewhere, when the house is sold.

At some point you are going to have to take action and NOT be concerned about your brother's opinion. When he spends 50% of the time doing 50% of the care, his vote might count a little bit more. When he comes to relieve you for some shifts, his opinion might weigh something. It's too bad it's like this, but better to deal with reality and not what we wish was true.

You are probably going to have to go right up against your brother to make a change happen. If you are OK with things staying the way they are now, then just keep doing the same.

Being a good person, a Christian person does NOT mean you are the door mat. You have to stand up to your brother to get what you NEED, which is to stop being full time care for your mother. What was your mother doing at age 70?

Sandwich, yes a lot of people told me to do that. I even went online to find an AL or nursing home near my brother's home in Maryland. Because there is just me here and my brother and his daughters and their families are all there. But he wouldn't do it and i couldn't do it to mom.

Has anyone suggested dropping mom off at brother's house with a little suitcase and a note that says: "Greetings! I'm going on a long cruise that I've deserved for a number of years. It's now your turn. Good luck. Good bye."

Joann29, Mallory is right let the boys fix up the house. I had to take care of fixinf up my mom's house, but when it came time to sell it i gave my brother the realtor's names and info and let him choose which one and let him handle the bids with the realtor on the house so that he couldn't say to me you let the house go too cheap.

I feel for you all. I'm in the thick of it. Have had no help from my selfish siblings who's only investment is in my failure. I've been accused of stealing from her because she gives to me, as I have given my life up for at least 10 years. They had her declared incompetent, and my brother was appointed emergency guardianship, yet, I'm still caring for her 24/7 and have NO remuneration, as all her money is locked up. My siblings say room and board should be enough pay. They have been made aware of what 24/7 in home care costs, but feel I deserve nothing. My mom has dementia, but is lucid enough to know what's going on. I'm exhausted, have gained weight, keep a headache, and am now angry! I've shouldered the responsibility alone for years. How do they think everything gets done? I cant afford a good lawyer, and may end up homeless. Caregivers, care for yourselves. Cut those people out of your life who are causing you pain. There presence didn't make a difference, so neither should their absence.

I understand that your brother needs to step up. However, one of the biggest factors that allows the elderly to stay in their homes and avoid a nursing home is the number of daughters they have. Daughter in laws also postpone nursing home placements. If a person has no children or only sons, they will likely be placed in a nursing home as soon as they need some help living in their homes.

This is not to say some sons haven't (acted like devoted daughters) but they are in the minority of families.

I would not knock myself out to cook big dinners for them. Prepare enough for yourself and mom. Suggest they come for cake and coffee at most. You don't have time to cater to them, they are not relatives just occasional visitors.

Hang in there, if you need to place your mother, just try to get a decent nursing home. It will eat up any inheritance your brother gets, which might sadly grab his attention, although it will be way too late.

joann29, you are so lucky, I am so jealous! I would love love love to have siblings with an attitude "do what u think best" it would make my job so much easier.

JoAnn29 that's where your brothers can help. Let them take over getting the house fixed up, bids etc. surely they can manage that.

I'm it too. But I think my brothers will go along withbwhat I decide. The youngest is easy going. His attitude is do what u think best. The older I keep in the loop. He lives 7 hrs away. My problem is selling Moms house. It wasn't kept up and sale of houses i very bad here. I would like to get Mom in an AL but it all depends on the sale of the house.

what you may have to do is have her over to your house or better yet, let her go visit your brother. While she's there, her things are moved out and moved into a ALF and then when you pick her up, she goes there and that's that. She may be mad, but she will get over it. When they refuse to move, that's the hardest...but tough choices must be made.

you know you have the right to be just as stubborn as your mother. Since when does she get to call all the shots? If your brother is too selfish and inconsiderate to be concerned and has abandoned you as a sibling and her as a son, then what are your choices? Do you feel as though you don't have any? Perhaps you are too tired, stressed and overwhelmed to feel that you do. I agree with others that your health is a main priority. Nowhere is it written that we must put our lives on hold and kill ourself for our parent. Do you feel responsible for her? If so you aren't....you are responsible to her. Big difference. This isn't meant to sound harsh but to help you question your choices. I agree that you must get either help or get her in assisted living. It's better she move now than later. Does she have to agree..no she doesn't. As to your brother...give him assignments. If you wait for him to come forth and offer, he never will. Some people just can't get their head around that they are part of the equation. Him telling you that sons don't need to do anything is bogus. I've seen plenty of sons helping their parents. Set boundaries with him...he and your mother are walking all over you. I hope you can get some support in some of the ways suggested. You need to talk with someone who is a professional who can help you sort this out. Best to you.

Oh my goodness, captain that is a good one. I too will store that away for later use. You make me smile....often

Your brother is just not a nice guy. He has to know you have done all of the work and obviously doesn't care.

I recently spent a month with my mother who was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She was disrespectful to me and I found out she had signed over all of her assets to my brother. My brother told her he was giving me half no matter what and took her to the bank and made her add me to the accounts. I gave her a month of kindness and care. She just about drove me crazy. At the end, I left with hired help coming in, my brother taking a week off and a sister of her's coming to stay. If I didn't have these people to call on I would have placed her in a nursing home.

You need a way out of this dilemma. No one should have to take care of a parent, by themselves for as long as you have. Your brother is very selfish.

captain, I am going to use that one over and over. Here is another one - "I have my head in the freezer and my a__ in the oven, and on average I am doing pretty good". On subject, I do not have contact with my family anymore. The dynamic is too weird and nuts. When families are grossly dysfunctional, they do not get better with age. I seem to be the only one with a pragmatic approach. I wonder sometimes if I am not even related to these people. I am positive they all have jumped on the bandwagon that the problem is me, not them and they feel they have 'the numbers on their side'. My two sisters are nurses; one thinks she is a doctor. Ha! She is a hospice nurse and obviously sees death daily. But she smokes, seems to be addicted to pain meds and drinks like a fish. She is sort of a hoarder and a definite drama queen. One of those people who keeps people talking about each other to other people; my mother is the same way. Lots of whining. Can't seem to get her 20 and 24 year old kids out of any kind of program to educate them and out of the house; I think she needs to be needed so her kids are actually crippled. My other sister has a Masters in nursing; teaches and manages an ER. So distracted by her work and getting away from her bad marriage that her daughter who is a Sr. in high school has been running wild and has moved out of the house. Saw her mugshot on the internet! These are the 'experts' my parents 'trust' because I am not a nurse! Basically they have not cut the apron strings and kowtow to my partially demented, NPD mother and co dependent father (80 and 84). There are two brothers in the mix too. Just as bad. I live in a different state. Intentionally. For a while they were driving me crazy about possibly moving near us. That would have been a mess but had they done it, my husband and I would have stepped up to help them, but not be walked on by them. Ultimately, my mother became enraged at me because I will not participate in gossip about family members and we no longer speak. What a relief. One sister tried to get us back on speaking terms; I told her that for me, it's easier to love them if I don't have anything to do with them. I am not angry, just protecting my own sanity! My sister used my mother's 'dementia', which no one will address with a doctor because they really, truth be told, don't want to deal with a diagnosis (that would be reality), as an excuse for her nastiness. And then, in the next breath, told me a 'cute' little anecdote about how my dad bought this woman a new car and she couldn't figure out how to make it start because of the push button starter. We are talking, over and over again for several months. I asked my sister "If she is so bad, cannot figure out how to start her car of even find her way back home THEN WHY DID DAD BUY HER A NEW CAR??? She could kill someone!". Of course there was no reasonable answer for that and I haven't heard back from my sister. As I have said over and over, I would make sure my parents were safe, dry and warm if this were to fall to me. But I would NOT allow the inmates to run the asylum which is what is going on right now.

Family can be as bad as strangers. Strangers are kinder. I am experiencing this myself. Personally, I have detached and removed myself. I will not take their crap anymore. I am better off on my own. At times it is almost like them against me. And I think that is exactly what is is like, they gang up on me and stick together. My moms in a home, she is my only concern now. They even try to interfere with that. Very scary, I feel alone, but I have to protect myself.

my mom has been gone for almost 2 years and it seems that with her death the sibling rivalry between my sisters and i has disappeared -- but -- ive discovered that i still dont particulary like them . one has three eyes and the other is a cyclops so when theyre together they think theyre normal . well , they arent . they are freaks ..

OK, guys, anyone else ever hear of "King Tut Syndrome"?

Haha, the last time America was in good shape I heard this term bantered about. I hear that the "boy kings" that were produced in that time period are not fairing so well in reality as Dads and Husbands.

"King Tut Syndrome" was the spoiled boys from the late 50's early 60's, who sat about while Mom, Dad, and Little Sister did all the work. They flopped as grown men, since they, are like, ...not grown anything. They were the little spoiled brats who did nothing, not mow, not work, not vacuum, not rake, not study, not wash dishes, during America's "boom time". They all flunked real life later, due to their, ...Um, shall we say, lack of realty. A very failed experiment.

It is not anyone's duty to caregive, or anything else for that matter, simply because of their gender. Now your brother would like it to be so because he benefits from it. My parents were financially very generous to my brother (mother's golden child) and when they got sick, we girls said to brother, "OK, they gave you all that money, so now you get to earn it! You want to be head of the family...fine, roll up your sleeves. None of this executive vs worker bee stuff."

My local Office of the Aging (Adult & Long Term Care) has great Caregiver Discussion groups & wonderful facilitator. I hope you have the same. This has been a "lifesaver" to me.

I want to thank everyone again for your outreach. What a shame you get more support from strangers than your own family. Oh well....................
Contacting Council on Aging today to see what, who, when, where. Hope to get started on a path to somewhere (else).

As far as your brother, accept that you will truly never see him again after this, and if people ask you how many siblings you have, your answer will omit him as if he never existed. I believe if you do that, you will be less upset with the work you have to do right now, because your anger at him is possibly coming out at your Mother or yourself or something in your day. This is what I've done.

90 Years old. She can't live alone. I am posting 3 times, sorry. My friend put her mom in my mother's room, at 90. We call them 6 packs: 6 residents, 2 cazretakers 24/7 ... Basically we are renting a room in a one story house for 2 people to take care of 5-6 seniors. It has worked for us so far. It's not a nursing home or retirement home, they are too big...community way. My aunt is in one as well, as I am the only one for her too. It's okay, I know she is not alone and she gets 3 meals a day, and washed, and changed, and taken to the restroom, and CARED FOR 24/7....I visit, take her to doctors, and dentists, and treats too. I get more quality time, than trying to take care of her. I get to visit and talk, and listen, and the caretakers allow me that because they are doing the daily stuff that they are paid to do. IT'S OKAY....I don't call my brother anymore. If he really wants to know what is goiing on, then he can call and sound concerned about me and Mom...He can call and ask: ;HOW IS MOM TODAY? No worries, he never does.

My brothers were actually shocked when I took care of mom. Took my dad's funds that I got, bought mom ahouse, and low and behold, 15 years later, I needed to sell it so she could live in a 6 pack....NO need to ask for help from anyone.... I did it....My husband helped a bit.. but I am it. Take cudos and all the pats on the back,,,, you deserve it... Take it and be proud. You are strong... Not him.. You are, and be proud....Show him,.. and know you are there for MOM not him.