My brother told me taking care of Mom is my job because I am the daughter. Any advice?

Nolagal, your advice "I would also suggest you get an elder attorney to make you the Executor of the estate and get a POA and a Health Care POA on your mom." needs clarification. The grantor needs to make/approve changes like this. We can't unilaterally make these things happen.

I just thought I'd add this caveat.

Sspiel, I hope your mom already set up Durable POA, Medical POA, and her will. If not you should file for guardianship immediately. With either you will be able to (with doctor's orders) move her to a memory care facility. Mom is already to incapacitated to be making her own decisions--it will be easy for a doctor or judge to see that. As far as brother, let God give him his reward.

Probably the best thing to do is if you don't have guardianship is to get it, move Mom to a safe place (AL or nursing home). Letting brother know before, during, and after the fact could backfire. He could be waiting for your mother to die and get what he can money wise from the estate. I saw this garbage between my two great aunts and grandmother,

First of all, thanks teresa58, hugs back and please take care of yourself. As for all who responded to thus question I can't say enough about having people out there who care & understand & take the time to be there for others especially during difficult times. I am blessed to have found this site and I would just like to say "thank you" for being out there! Your wonderful people!

We have to live with ourselves you are doing what is right your brother doesn't want to face up to his responsibiltes or his life. Please ignore him you are doing what you believe is right (which it is ) continue and try and disregard your brother I continually have Friends ?? telling me to put my wife into a nursing home
I believe these so called friends want Wendy off their train so they can forget what might happen to them. Please be brave and follow your heart you are a wonderful person
Kevin

PjB322, much of the advice given so far is for anyone of us to use, too.

1. What is her financial situation? (rhetorical question)
2. Who has her POA, etc, if anyone? If no one, it might be too late with her "increasing dementia".
3. What options are reasonable for her care? Has she declined beyond the Assisted Living requirements? Is she resistant to moving to a care facility of any kind?

Venting is helpful to a point. Beyond that, I hope you'll find helpful info here & follow up appropriately. If you're no longer able to care for your mother, what happens then? It's better to plan ahead & make arrangements while it's less difficult to do.

Heaven knows what your brothers will choose to do without you.

AA has a saying "no victims, just volunteers". I am not in AA (ha!) but with parents like some of us have, I could certainly see why we'd need it! Your brother is a cretin. What he says doesn't count. If your mother has always let him off the hook getting very elderly with any dementia issues are not going to 'bring her around'. You can continue to sign up for this or not. My commitment to my abusive mother (to me) is the minimal 'find her a dry, safe place to be. My siblings all seem to be either willing to kiss her feet (my two sisters) in order to garner hers and my father's approval. The boys (younger than I am at 53 and 57) do what they want to do too. Parents see them as being the 'financial and mental' giants and the females the 'caregivers'. BS. I was in a male dominated business, sales, all my working, adult life and dealt mostly with male customers. I have a more male mind that female in some respects (I have bee told) meaning that I am more able to set emotion aside for being practical. When you think about it, the bigger, stronger of the sexes should be the more able to lift, move, wash and put into bed a full grown human being. AKA the MEN. Further, all of us, not just the 'men' have college educations and have always held down the jobs of providing as well as mothering. The 'men' are not smarter. Do what you will, but personally, I would not sign up for taking on this entire responsibility. If he will not share this with you, then it is your right to do your 'job' as you best see fit. For me, that would be to have a life and hire it done. God bless you!

My parents do have wealth. Ironically, it is the thing they have tried unsuccessfully with me, not so unsuccessfully with my siblings, to leverage. I live in a different state than three of them do; the 'golden child' (yes, he is and he's 57) is across the country from them. He too receives a pass for everything, so he is not castigated for that fact though I have been. Ah, well. That leaves one brother and two sisters who live within the same neighborhood as my parents. My parents, in their eighties, have a huge home on acreage. One brother, there, has offered to have my dad's leaves blown and chores done by paying for it. Even that doesn't satisfy them. They expect, with a perfectly manicured four acre and heavily wooded lot, that all of their 'kids' come over on weekends to 'help' my dad because HE loves to work in the yard. (Two back surgeries, two hand surgeries, two knee replacements, on and on and he is a type 2 diabetic, so each time complications have almost killed him). NO ONE says NO. They get mad, they argue, they talk behind each other's backs, it never ends, but they continue to cater to them. I had to quit my job in my mid 50's due to severe back issues and spinal instabilities. I have a lot of pain when I travel by car so we have not gone to visit them often and they call it my 'so called back problem'. If you don't play ball with narcissists they really try to make you pay. I have gone what I call 'noodly' on them. I refuse to take the bait, care if they leave me one red cent, and just don't go visit anymore. Since my mother has TOLD me she's told her entire church how awful I am, why would I kill myself to do that? Anyway, what I am saying here is what you may have to do to take care of yourself may not win any kudos or approval and the berating will probably get stepped up. Let it go.

I'm 51 taking care of my 81 y.o. mom by myself. I have one brother who estranged himself from us 11 years ago (before her dementia). He hasn't said as much, since there is no comunication, but I know he believes it is my duty to take care of Mom. Now, Mom has no real memory of him. I'm exhausted, but when she's gone, I won't be the one carrying guilt. It is beyond my comprehension how he justifies this. We were both treated very well as kids and young adults.

Perhaps you could ask your brother to come and stay for a week or two so you could have a vacation because very job comes with some kind of vacation even if it is unpaid. I often wonder what happens to people that don't have children to care for them? What happens to them when they need assistance?

I feel for you, so much. I am 66 and taking care of my mother-in-law. This is not easy stuff that we do, but we need to do it. My wife, who is nine years younger than me, has to be with our fourteen year old daughter in NYC, I am out on the island with her mother. The whole thing is upside down, thank God that I am self-employed and have the luxury of being able to do thins, it is very draining though, on the mind, the body, the soul. Your brother and his family need to come to the plate, as it were. My sister-in-law is absent from any of this, doctor visits, etc. Bonne chance!

Yep, it's the daughter's place to care give. Nope! My mother, who I refer to as Mommie Dearest (ever seen the movie?) would never lift a finger to help her parents She lived around the corner, didn't work and had a big fancy car but she was too busy shopping, getting her hair and nails done, playing with her dogs and planing her next exotic vacation.

To both of you, it's not your job! I would suggest you get the elders into ALF or a nursing home and get on with your lives. 33% of care givers die due to stress related illness before those they care for.

Guillemain you need to tell us a bit more.

1. Why is a 14 year old child living in NYC when she's in high school ... no high schools there?

2. Why do you think you need to do this, alone, when this person isn't even a blood relative Whether she's cared for at home, in an ALF or a nursing home, it is the responsibility of her blood relatives, not your responsibility.

You state your wife is 9 years younger. I sincerely apologize if this sounds really harsh but perhaps your wife is having such a good time "free" in NYC, she has no intention of returning to care for her mother. Why should she?

What kind of human being is your brother. I have one of my own who doesn't lift a finger at all. Your brother is member of the family just as you are. He should help you with something. My mother chose to be in a nursing home and my father entered about a year later. My mother was a lot more needy than my father so I went to the nursing home everyday. My brother lived so close and didn't visit her often at all. It was very difficult to care for my father at his home. He has a moderate case of dementia , so he was eligible to go to the same nursing home. Six months later, my mother passed away. My father had trouble getting used to the way the nursing home does things, especially since my mother passed. At the nursing home he gets twenty-hour care. My brother seems to think that my father would be better at home. He said he would take of my father. That's a laugh because that would mean he would have to live with my father and do everything for him including help him in and out the bathtub. Well I'm 62 and cannot care for him twenty-four hours daily, especially since I'm on disability with back and knee problems. They would kill each other if they lived under the same roof and my father would not want him to come back period. Guess who would be called to help -- that's right, me and my other brother. I asked my other brother to helped me with my father which was a huge help but at night he was on his own at home which worried me because I thought he would wander. He would call me all hours of the night. My life was unpleasant for awhile and it would have been unbearable without my other brother's help. The brother who thinks he should be home, did not even lift one pinky to help the situation, he only caused drama after drama.

I do wish you well and feel your pain. Please take care of yourself.

The solution to this whole situation was being able to get my parents in a nursing home. Since my father is in a nursing home my life is so much better and I can sleep at night and not have to worry about him. It took him a while to get used to everything at the home but I know I made the right decision for my parents and my family. but especially me.

I feel for you, and send you a BIG HUG! It should be the duty of ALL the children to care for the parent. I feel your pain. I'm trying to find anyone who's been in my situation. I live in the house with my mom and have been her sole caregiver foe more than a decade. She's in her late '80's and has dementia. I have looked after her every need and have given up my own life in the process. My siblings have accused me of living off mom, since I'm in my '50's and we live in the house I grew up in. Though they know how much the care she receives would cost, they begrudge Mom giving me a dime. We read you could gift a family caregiver $13 grand without tax consequences to either party. They were angry and jealous and refuse to participate in any of the activities or read any of the materials I have put together about slowing her symptoms. They never ask about her health--only her money. A couple weeks ago under the guise of taking her to lunch, they took her to a doctor, not her own, had her declared incompetent and my brother was named guardian. I now find myself accused of senior exploitation and will have to defend myself in court. Like you, I never want to see them again. I didn't see what was coming because I'm so exhausted. I just got over a breast cancer scare and a cervical cancer scare and my emotions are all over the place. Because I've been accused, all the bank accounts have been closed, including our joint account, leaving me with no resources to hire legal help. My mom is devastated. I know I need to fight this because I've done nothing wrong, but I'm tired. And, even though accusations have been leveled, Mom is still here with me and I'm expected to care for her as before. I'm confused and angry and I know it's affecting Mom. Has anyone gone through this?

Realdottir, call local legal aid for the elderly, explain situation. You do need legal help.

Realdottir, that's one of the worst stories I have ever read on here, and I hope you have good documentation of what has been done with funds, and I hope you nail their sorry asses.

I was raised as a Christian and understand your feelings of guilt. I have lots of siblings. All of them are quite happy to leave the elder care to me; however, one sister did provide me some respite. I have thought often that I want nothing to do with them after my mother dies (except for the aforementioned sister) Don't beat yourself up; we are all human.

Realdottir My brother wanted to take over my mother's finances, but continue to let me take care of her. I was able to stay one step ahead in my brother's attempt to gain POA and seize control of her finances; however, I am healthy! During this time period, I was depressed and distracted. I hope you can find legal advice and support.

Realdottir I am so sorry to hear of the troubles your siblings have brought to your life. It is so awful. You do need legal help, and also try to get your documentations organized-- I hope it is going to turn out well for you. Take Care.

I want to thank everyone so much for your responses. After reading them, I don't feel so alone. Again, thank you all.

My husband passed away 8 yrs ago and 3 months later my mom had a stroke, and I became her caregiver with the help of a wonderful neighbor of my mom's. I live 25 miles from my mom and my brother lives 3 hrs away, I was retired and he is still working I am younger by 7 yrs at that time I was 52. The first year was very hard on me I had 2 operations myself and mom broke her hip and needed surgery, I had to get her into a rehab so I could have my surgery. No help at all from my brother or his daughters who are old enough. The rehab told me mom had to have a live-in to help care for her and of course mm fought me on it, but I had a live-in for her for 4 months and she would fight with them and I'd get calls in the middle of the night or the live-in left and never came back. I was in a living H*ll. I did all my mom's groceryshopping and my own and delivered it to her. Nothing was ever good enough for her. I finally gave in and let mom have an aide that came 3 days a week until she became to ill and ended up in the hospital. The Dr told me she was in grave condition and I should call my brother, when he showed up 5 hrs later mom was talking to him and fine like normal and I had a friend with me as a witness she was in grave condition when I called my brother. Mom would call me in the middle of the night because of dementia also. All I got was you're not working, you can do it. In 2009 I was diagnosed with uterine cancer and thank God all I needed was a histerectomy and needed no treatments. I have also become disabled due to needing a hip replacement and both knees replaced. I am a stress eater and because of the stress of caring for mom I gained back 60 lbs I had lost when my husband died because I could not eat. I can't get my hip and knees replaced until I lose that weight again. My passed away in 2012 after being in a nursing home near me. I had to clean out her home myself with the help of my friends an my mom's friends. My brother and wife came one weekend to clean out some things and just called a dumpster and was throwing everything out. I hired someone to do an estate sale that didn't go well. But with the grace of God I got mom's house emptied out in a month and sold. Then there was mom's will of which I was the executor and I dealt with mom's lawyer (oh by the way my brother is a lawyer), the realtor and accountant meanwhile I am disabled and on Social Security disability since 2008. Mom's lawyer recommended that I take the executor fee from the will and my brother was upset that I did take that money because that meant he got less money from the house, and assets. There was also a step-son involved and he didn't ask for anything and was not in the will, but I made sure that the money that his father left to my mom went back to him which my brother would not give up his share of stock which should have gone to the step-son. My brother hung up on me when I told him I was taking the executor fee of mom's will and I have not spoken to him since. It hurts because when we were young we were close. At mom's funeral my brother thanked everyone in the room in a speech except me. That really hurt.

Oh how I can relate to this !!! Besides having the stress from caregiving, I am full of resentment and at times angered with my male siblings. I am the only daughter .. after caring for Mom for six years, with no help from my siblings, I had little choice but to get full-time, live-in help as I was becoming weaker and weaker and more and more depressed. My husband, bless his heart, convinced me (but not easily) to do this. I'll never forget his words, "If you don't get yourself some help for your Mom real soon, you are going to end up passing before her." Those words kept repeating and repeating in my head .. it took a long time before I conceded, but finally I made it happen. My family is fortunate that we are able to take on this expense. For the last three years to the present date, I am now dealing with the stress of having incompetent caregivers in my home. It was a BIG adjustment for all, but in my opinion, it beats the alternative. My mother means the world to me and I could never, ever put her in a nursing home!! I've had many experiences with other family members being in a facility and the care level I feel is more than inadequate. There's a saying that keeps popping in my head and I just can't get past it, it goes like this, "A mother can take care of five children, but five children can't take care of one mother". End of story ... end of my brothers !! I am constantly on an emotional roller coaster! With every beat of my heart, I hate this Alzheimer M O N S T E R !!!!! It not only destroys the patient, it destroys families!
My feelings of guilt are subsiding little by little, as I know that I am not Superwoman and cannot do it all. First, it was not being a good wife and mother when I was giving so much of my time to Mom, and then it became not being a strong enough daughter. I talk to myself each night and I also pray to God for the strength to carry on this very difficult task. Each day it feels like a piece of my heart gets torn off watching this disease eat away at my loving mother. She can no longer talk and it is very frustrating for the both of us. I thank the dear Lord that Mom is still the happy person she always was. Aggression never set in so I am truly blessed in that way. We laugh and smile and I try to make the best of it, but oh, how I miss the old Mom! I am so afraid of what is still to come. This "LONG GOODBYE" is killing me!

I am "only" 61 and came to the conclusion after six months that I could not do this by myself. What would happen if I became sick or seriously injured? It's unrealistic for anyone, male or female, to be caregivers 24/7. My mother is now in a facility that can give her the care she really needs. I suggest you do the same. Tell your mom that you are ill. That's not a lie. And so what if it is. You are shortening your own life. How is that going to help her? Family can just deal with it. You have to get tough with everyone for your own sake. Remember what flight attendants tell passengers about putting on their face masks first? You can't help someone else until you've helped yourself!!! Please listen to my advice!

I haven't read the other answers yet, but you touched a nerve. I never want to see my siblings again either after Dad is gone. I am also the daughter, single, and have given up the last 10 years of my life (and income) to give Dad a safety net. I do it for him and for my deceased mother who were always there for me. But I have three siblings who are happy to let me do it all. One who lives in an adjacent state tries to visit overnight a couple of times a year, but the other two don't visit him, though he lives alone and they live within an hour's drive. One of the two will host holiday dinners to which Dad is invited as the guest of honor, but they assume I will be his chauffeur. When I ask them to do more, one ignores me and the other responds viciously. Of course, they are happy to let Dad pay if they go out to eat with him and, of course, the vicious one always eats expensively. So, I have hired someone to help me out 20 hours/week and those two days off are mine. Additionally, I am visiting assisted living places and I will put Dad on the reserve list for an expensive place where I know he will get the cheerful, loving help he needs in the event I am unable to continue. I probably will spend down their inheritance in the process.

Danamovedon, your story reflects mine EXACTLY! I tried to give my Mom some good experiences and spent down money taking her places she said she always wanted to go. Now I'm being accused of stealing her money. No good deed goes unpunished, eh? I've been Mom's sole caregiver for more than 10 years. I've given up everything and my 3 siblings have done nothing. They call and visit sporadically, and they're just bad people. I never want to see them or talk to them again. Everyone I know, including her friends have said I need to save my own life. Perhaps it's time to let them take over. All they care about is money, and they're nor so much worried about there being enough money for Mom, they're worried about how much will be left for them. I'm so tired, when I finally get a day off, I fall asleep in the movies or restaurant. Just hope its not too late for me.

We have to expect c*** from people like this your brother will never accept any responsibility That is his way of handling an awkward situation.
please be brave believe in yourself You helped your mother and have done the right thing God Bless YouKeep Positive.
m
My example is people say I should put my Wife Wendy in a nursing home but I can afford to have carers in and Wendy is peaceful I know one day Nursing home may happen although I think she will pass on peacefully at home.
Others do not know and don't want to know the pain you went through
If your not on same train as your brother he will ignore you
Bless You I am not religious but the more We go down this journey it helps
Best Wishes Kevin

Sspiel, I would like to share my story with you in hopes you will see that you must get some help. Mom has dementia. My sister, my aunts, Dad and I took care of her 24/7. We were finally able to get in home help through a Medicaid waiver. We had caretakers through the day and Dad took care of her at night. My sister and I did weekends. One of my aunts goes to Florida for the winter and the other is 75 and couldn’t drive on the bad snowy PA roads this winter. Over a month ago, Mom got a UTI. Anyone caring for a person with dementia knows how devastating a UTI is for a person with dementia. She was out of control. She became violent. She swung at my Dad and at me. She hit my sister. It broke my sister’s heart and I think her spirit. Dad couldn’t take anymore and he became very ill. He was rushed to the hospital via ambulance and we did not think he would survive. With not enough care for Mom we had to put her in a nursing home, temporarily. Dad is now in the rehab unit of the nursing home where Mom is. He is fighting so hard to get better so he can go home to die. Mom is fine. She is thriving. The first week in the home was awful but she adapted. We found a good nursing home. You have to look for them because a lot of them are not good. We tried to keep her home too long. The nursing home is her home now. Two weeks ago, my 52 year old sister, died. She had a heart condition no one was aware of and she passed in her sleep. The stress from taking care of Mom and then possibly losing Dad, and then worrying about taking care of him if he did come home, was too much. It cost her, her life. YOU MUST GET HELP. Call you local Agency on Aging. There are so many programs that can help. Adult Day Care, nursing home respite, memory support assisted living. Do not try to do this alone, if will cost you dearly. Your mother is only going to get worse. There will come a time when you will have no choice but to put her in a home. Don’t let that choice come at the cost of your life.

I agree with PA caretaker. You got into a situation where the decision ended up making itself. You MUST take care of yourself. I have been my Mom's sole caregiver for more than ten years, and I'm exhausted! My health has taken a dive, and I'm trying to regain it. Other arrangements need to be made for Mom sooner rather than later. My 3 siblings do NOTHING for Mom, not even call or visit regularly. It will all work out the way it's supposed to. It's a horrible ride, and I only wish you the very best of luck. Be strong. You will make it through.

After my father's stroke, he had to spend a month in a rehab facility (nursing home) and didn't mind it at all. The place was comfortable, the food was OK, and the staff was competent and caring. He was very confused and didn't quite understand why he was there - at times he thought it was now his permanent residence - but I think he felt safe and the small world of people making decisions for him gave him a chance to focus on his recovery. Fortunately, we met a wonderful "inmate" there who is now a good friend. Dad eventually went back to his apt. His 90 year old neighbor just moved into an assisted living apt in the neighborhood in which he used to live and seems to be doing very well. Says he doesn't miss all the space he had before and the food is great! I guess you just need to get the right fit and visit enough before you move in to make it familiar.

We have a special brother like that! My brother distanced himself years ago from the family, shortly after he got married. My Mother remarried 33 years ago and our stepfather was not a nice man to my sister and I! My Mother has dementia and my stepfather never had an patience with her! My sister and I have going over to my mom's for years taking care of them and his family have not been appreciative for all our work! We've had to get help coming in, because we couldn't do it any more! But my sister and I would go 3 or 4 times a week to make there dinners etc,,,,My stepfather fell and then got sick so his kids picked him up and brought hi up North to live and now my Mother is staying with my sister until she gets into a home. My brother is slandering us and making us feel about everything and think that its our duty, and in the meantime he hasn't taken no responsibilty! He calls my mother and upsets her and my stepfather does the same and blames my sister and I for this situation! We've had to go to a lawyer to protect us from my brother! He is very mean and petty and won't speak to us or have a family meeting! He is fighting us on everything and yet he won't help us! What do we do?