He has included caregiving to be his obligation. My other siblings and I have discovered abuse on his and his wife's part. We are going to confront him. But we know how arrogant he can be, because he has said this before to us; "I have POA for health." Please, please help. I'm so disturbed by his and his wife's action. They continually say Mom doesn't know better because of Alzheimer's. Mom is not in the advance stages yet. Thank you.
I as a caregiver know it's hard but abuse is not at all on the plate, STOP it now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No matter who it is to you.
Is it financial? Physical? Are they neglecting her to the point that it is affecting her health? You said that you and your siblings have discovered this, but you don't say what 'this' is. I'm no fan of abuser's, and if he is truly doing something that is wrong, then your first task will be to contact Adult Protective Services and have them launch an investigation. Then, you and your siblings need to sit down and who is going to take over POA(healthcare) and regular POA. Will one of you move in with your mother, will she move in with you? Do you plan to place her in assisted living or a nursing home? These are all things your family needs to sort out in advance because if APS does find a problem, they will be the first things they want to know. My final word of advice is simply to make sure that this IS abuse. While it's heartbreaking to think of someone harming and elderly parent, more so when they are mentally less than what they used to be, it can also be just as frustrating to the care-givers to constantly have APS or local law enforcement called every five minutes because of a well meaning or busy-body neighbor. What may appear odd or yes, even abusive to a person who is not a caregiver may be perfectly normal depending on the person they are taking care of. ( We've had the police called three separate times because of Grandmother screaming at the top of her lungs "Ow, Ow, Stop! Your hurting me! All this because we committed the terrible crime of changing her soiled diaper.) So get your proof if you don't have it already, talk with your siblings about what happens next, and then make your call. Sorry this got so long and best of luck with whatever happens.
I think you need an elder lawyer to advise you on either situation but the physical or verbal abuse needs to be ended --then investigated.
I think you need to get a real handle on her health too. However, if she can
mentally report what is happening, she would be able to request a different POA arrangement and different person to assist with her medical care decisions. She is not locked into any one person in these positions for the rest of her life if she isn't happy with it.
As mentioned above, you and the rest of the family need to develop a Plan B if the current living arrangements are not to continue. If she is living in her home, how to continue to care for her there if she wants to "age in place". Is there funds for paid home health aides? Will some of the children/family members provide hands on care ---not just the happy visitors. Will she need to consider or move to a nursing home or assisted living facility? If so, can she pay for it from her funds, LTC insurance or will she have to spend down her money and get on Medicaid to pay for her years in a nursing home? If the current couple take her to her medical appts, medical testing etc--- who will step up to cover
arranging these appointments, managing her drugs (ordering , paying, administering daily).
There is a lot to consider but definitely stop any physical/ verbal abuse and/or financial mismanagement. Your mother needs to keep good control of her money so she can provide for the remainder of her life which needing high amounts of paid care will be huge.
Good luck.