I am the only sibling that lives near my mother, who is 86. My brother lives hundreds of miles away. I have been the one looking after mum and sorting out her issues, and have a joint bank account with her since dad died 4 years ago. Now mum has advanced cancer, and due to my brother's personality he seems to think he can send me abusive texts over my so called failings. He is up here at the moment and between him and mum they have decided that she needs to get private caregivers. I wasn’t involved in this and suddenly went from someone that mum phoned numerous times a day to receiving no phone calls. Anyway I’ve been accused of not doing enough for mum, only doing it as I had to, not having any human compassion. As far as he’s concerned I don’t exist, that’s what he put in 4 abusive texts. The final sentence said neither me nor my husband would get an invite to mum's funeral. He’s also got mum to transfer her money to another bank account that I know nothing about and he tells relatives he has POA. I’ve sent his texts to relatives and they are finding it hard to believe that he has acted this way and sent these texts. He did the same when dad died 4 years ago. Abusive texts. This time he also swore at my husband and threatened to assault him. What do I do? He has banned me from dealing with the doctor, the hospital, her prescriptions and phoning the house or going to mum's house. Obviously he can’t do these things but he seems to think this is normal and he has this right. I’ve now blocked him and I am no contact with him. I see mum at the hospital when I know he won’t be there. Mum thinks the sun shines out of him. He is a bully and I don’t know what to do now or going forward when mum dies. I don’t want to be in the same room as him. I have taken mum to her appointments, shopping, got her prescriptions, taken her to the supermarket, everything. Now I’m the devil.
The girl was confused and wondered what she should do.
doozie- can you help this little girl?
They’re usually the same ones that if you don’t go along with what they say they do things out of spite.
If your mum has sound mind she can do whatever she likes with her money.
You need to work with your family and sort this out, and if it is your mom's wishes to rely on your brother graciously accept that, because your mom, by your own statement, said she has advanced cancer. Let her last days be of peace and your two need to get along even if it is a façade. I know this is all about money and inheritance. Well, it's HER money and she can do whatever she likes with it.
WHILE I AGREE whoever does all the care SHOULD be the POA, it is not so unless you have the legal document. That is why it is essential to see an eldercare attorney prior. You can do things like set up a caregiver's contract which you become the paid employee living off her estate...true you have to pay taxes, but your brother cannot take advantage of you. You also need to have POA legal papers drawn up and signed by your mom. Further, a Will needs to be drawn up with regards to the house and who gets what, and who will become trustee. POA is null and void at the moment of death.
Without estate planning and if the house is in her name, you are going to have a legal mess because her estate will go into PROBATE and you will have to deal with attorneys and legal fees. It can take up to two years to go before a judge, especially without a will. It's a real legal mess. If she owns a car and it is just in her name that too will go into probate because of insurance and the ownership will need to be legally transferred.
EVEN IN DEATH, the government and legal system got their greedy tentacles into everything and without estate planning you will have a real royal mess to deal with.
What you are describing is not uncommon and you found out the people who will stab you in the back is your own family. When it comes to money their true colors shine. Estate planning is the only prevention getting the shaft.
That’s what my sibling did and the bank told me it was perfectly legal
She's the one to blame for the situation you're in.
Do not let your brother ruin your peace of mind with threats of any kind. She will need nursing care at the end when organs start failing; it is best to start visiting the cancer center to see a counselor about the process and your grief, if you haven't already. Glad to hear that you blocked him; hope your husband has too.
So now my Dad has dementia and has needed help the last 6 years and because I was the closest and because I actually DO care about my Dad, I've taken care of him. Cleaned his apartment, got him aids, moved him to assisted living and now moved him into a Nursing home. Luckily I'm POA. So I do control his assets and use them for my Dad's care.
But my golden-child brother demands he get all the funds that remain. He says "Dad wanted me to have his money." He even convinced my father when he had dementia to give him the passwords to his account so he could continue to essentially pay himself rent from my Dad's accounts when my Dad no longer had the faculty to say No.
So anyway what I'm trying to say is - I can sympathize with your plight! There are greedy evil people all over this world. I have even agreed to give all the funds left to my greedy brother because I don't want nor NEED my father's money. But yeah - my brother still is complaining that I'm spending too much on my Dad's care - that he doesn't really need it... He's absolutely insane.
Sorry didn't mean to make this about me but I did. Yeah - I mean all I can say is just keep doing what you're doing I guess. Without that POA you don't have a lot of legal recourse. You can just try and see your Mom when he's not there like you're doing. I suppose you could talk to a lawyer if you're not sure your brother has POA and if he doesn't, you could get POA. Also you can report people for elder abuse if you feel your brother is not doing his duty in caring for your mom - you'll need evidence of this.
Good luck - hang in there.
It seems as if your brother is the golden child in mom’s eyes and this happens so often nowadays.
My brother did the same thing to me & even went so far as to take my mom to a lawyer to amend her trust 100% to him. I now have a lawyer trying to fight him using undue influence over my mom with dementia.
Let this be a lesson to everyone……do not do any caretaking unless you have medical & financial POA.
My sibling has forever ruined the relationship we once had. Best wishes to you.
What bank account? How much was in it? Do you think he's transferred it to his personal account? What does her will state -- were any assets supposed to be split equally between the two of you?
Besides the anticipatory grief for you of your mother dying, it's a slap in the face to also be facing the death of the relationship with your brother.
I am glad that you are still able to visit your mother in the hospital.
His own grief ( which includes anger, denial, guilt among other emotions) may be driving some of his inappropriate behavior; there could be a myriad of reasons that are only his problems that he now chooses to cope with by projecting blame and shame onto you.
Please speak with the case manager for your mother for some intervention with your brother's behaviors. The case manager ( usually a social worker or an RN) can schedule meetings both 1:1 with each of you and, more importantly a family meeting to begin to defuse and, support each of you and the family as a whole at this time that your mother obviously needs both of you.
Also, please speak with your faith leader ( if you practice a faith) for their support ; and/or please speak with the chaplain in pastoral care services at the hospital where your mother is. The chaplain should definitely be a part of the care that you are receiving, even if you do not practice a specific religion ; and they can support you whatever your faith or religion of choice is.
And, just because your brother says he has POA, may or may not be true; if there is a way to confirm this , please do. Sadly, illness and pending death or death itself often brings out the worst in human and family behaviors; namely control and greed or need for self affirmation to account for past remisses. None of this or all of this or some of this may be true in this sad picture.
It is often sadly also the case that the care giver ( you !) who is there or has been there day in and day out, is the recipient of either or both the patient's or other family members anger, blame, and grief ( which by the way most do not realize this is what they are feeling). And, then when a new or different family member strolls in ( like a long lost brother who has not been directly involved) or sometimes any "different" or " new person" the patient views them as the "savior" and, begins to place accolades of praise on them.
You, your mother, your brother and other family are all in a state of past , present and anticipatory grief which carries with it a range of human emotions affected by many different risk factors. A qualified chaplain and /or social worker or both can help you through this storm.
Either way, do not allow yourself to be the punching bag of your brother's nor anyone elses bullying, control issues, verbal abuse or other inappropriate behaviors.
Please consider speaking with the professionals I have suggested above to further assist you toward some peaceful resolutions and, reality checks for your brother.
Blessings
Visit when you can and stay safe. Protect your peace.
All the power issues-let it go. Be content in your love and your integrity.
Don’t involve yourself in your brother’s game.
Funeral invite? So what.
Arrange your own memorial/funeral/Mass for your mom with your own faith community/loved ones.
Don’t let him control your feelings.
-hugs-
Your brother sounds super controlling and dangerous. Since you don't have legal say--you will have to do something to prove brother is unhinged. I think GA made some great comments and I'd follow through.
This post serves as a warning to the rest of us to make sure our families know what we WANT, who we WANT to be our mouthpiece when/if the time comes.
Family is great until it isn't. Sadly, what you are going through is very, very common.
From one 'devil' to another.
In my area, the local county has a department which handles these emergency type restrictive orders. A judge signs, based on the petitions, (and in our case) w/o a hearing. The Sheriff or other LEO serves the order on the defendant.
This will at least keep him away from you.
You could also ask about getting the same kind of legal restraints on behalf of your mother, or ask the LEOs how to get this accomplished. I don't know whether a TRO could prevent him from reassigning and meddling with her assets; ask that of the LEO you see.
These kinds of threats suggest someone with mental impairment, anger issues, and danger to family.
Why did you not have Mom assign you POA while you were caring for her? She seems of sound mind. I think you need to step back and take advantage of not being called on 24/7. This is how it is sometimes. The one doing all the work, usually the girl, gets no recognition of the work she does. Why...its expected. Women's lives and jobs seem indispensable. Not a boys. They do nothing but always the Golden ones. TG my parents appreciated me. My Dad even thanked me for doing for my Mom what my brothers never seemed important.