My BIL whom I hardly know and has been very unkind to me is telling my husband, who is in memory care, that I put him there and I’m the only who can get him out. This agitates my spouse who calls me and demands to come home.
My spouse needs 24-hour awake care and recently went to a geriatric psych unit for med adjustments due to agitation, anger, self-harm.
BIL had no contact with my spouse until his illness progressed and then started making visitation demands and reported false claims to the county about me, which were deemed false by the county. The county recommended I draft a visitation schedule for The BIL and other menacing relatives which I did. They do not honor the schedule and I often have to not visit after arriving as I have no contact with them.
My elder law attorney stated the BIL wanted to get control of our finances/hobby farm. He doesn’t know my spouse doesn’t have any money. Attorney had to trespass a nephew for showing up on our property when he pleased.
My husband had allowed the nephew to store farm equipment in a building and he started taking over... using our possessions and showing up and allowing others on our property.
My spouse has a large family and all of them now dislike me. My family would never interfere in such a way. We got married later in life and his family seems to resent that. What to do?
Later-in-life marriages, when there are adult children from prior marriages, are often fraught with emotional complexities and confusion. They've known your spouse longer than you have, and this fact/feeling/sense of "ownership" never goes away.
Your posted question is about dealing with your one BIL. I would maybe consider meeting with him and another neutral person and explain to him why your spouse needs MC and why you cannot "get him out". You can maybe get a note or dx from your spouse's doctor explaining how BIL's visits are unhelpful to your spouse, how his dementia has robbed him of his reason and logic and his ability to bring himself into a calm state. The BIL needs to come to the awareness that what he says and does in his visits are hurting your spouse and you have the phones calls from your spouse, and the medical and scientific back-up to support this fact. The hope is that BIL will come to the conclusion that he will change his attitude, or not visit. You can "tactfully" inform him that if the unhelpful visits continue, you will be "forced" to pursue a restraining order so that your spouse can be protected, since that is your responsibility and it is merciful to your spouse, whom you love. My philosophy is that you give BIL one chance to be informed and give him the opportunity to choose to change. If not, then Plan B goes into effect, and it will have been BIL's CHOICE if Plan B has to be enacted. It puts the burden on BIL, not you. I wish you success in navigating all of it.
That takes care of the family but not your husband's distress. For this there is no answer but to say "Honey, the BIL is correct. I did get you into care when it was needed and could not be done at home. And I cannot remove you from care as you need this care, and the doctors agree with me that you do. No one is sadder than I am that it has come to this for us, but I love you; I will always be here to visit with you and watch over you". This is the TRUTH and there's no way round it.
The family clearly thinks there is money. Why they would think it would go anywhere but to the wife I cannot imagine. And now they fear that money will get eaten up with fees from a facility. This nefarious group needs the controls of the law. Keep that diary. Keep that attorney. And on you go protecting yourself and your husband as well as you are able.
I am so sorry. What an awful mess to deal with on top of the grief.
It took to respond. It means a lot!
You posted back in January and then thought you may have worked it out. Seems like family is still interfering. I would know have them banned. You were accommodating. Doing what APS suggested and they over stepped your boundries. Time to have a order done that because they upset ur husband, they no longer can visit.
How does Attorney feel about telling them ur DH has no money. That it takes what he has to keep him in Memory care. When its gone it gone.