Am I “betraying” my Mom if I move across the country?
I retired over a year ago from a job (in NC) to help my aging parents, the idea being I would move to an apartment close to my sister's home in OH and our parents would move into this apartment where I would take care of them. (For a couple years before that I was making the 10-hr drive to PA each month to check on them.) Our father was still at home being helped by a neighbor, and mother was in a nursing home 10 miles away. However, by the time we carried out this plan and moved to OH, both parents were past the point where they could adequately be cared for at the apartment. Even outside caregivers said they couldn't care for our father who had gone downhill physically very rapidly during the months before the move, so he ended up in a nursing home along with a couple hospital days, and then passed away this past May at 90 y/o. Our now 89 y/o mother, who has gradually-worsening dementia (probably Alzheimer's) didn't adapt well after the move, and even with signs on the walls giving directions to the bathroom, and notation “UP” and “DOWN” on the control of a rented lift chair, she seemed entirely unable to learn anything new, and my sister and I independently realized we simply couldn't keep her in the apartment (my living there, my sister “camping” there for 3 weeks), so our father soon had a roommate in the nursing home. After both were there I visited them every day for about 4 hours, largely making sure they ate as well as they were able (including spoon feeding). Mother is now bedridden.
After the lease for the apartment expired, I moved in with my sister's family where I have been almost a couple months. From here I still visit our mother the nursing home every day I'm in town (I'm doing some consulting which involves travel), and my sister visits about 3 times a weeks as she has been doing. However, there are some issues in my sister's house that make living there less than appealing and actually rather stressful, but the worst is basically I have my clothes on the floor because there is literally no other space because of all my sister's stuff (and her buying, hoarding, cluttering, and overdecorating irritates her husband and son, too).
I have been planning to move to NM, thinking that I would do this after both parents are gone, and my mother made a comment that suggested she assumes I would stay as long as she is alive. However, I believe my mother could realistically live another year or two. A few weeks ago my BIL mentioned that he wants me to pay rent that he'll put into his son's educational account, and I will pay this although I feel a certain resentment because of the situation described above. I could seek an apartment somewhere nearby so I can keep visiting my mother every day, but I don't really want to remain in the area. I've thought of making my move to NM sometime this fall, with the idea I would come back to visit every couple months or so (I don't mind, and actually enjoy, long-distance driving and, of course, there are airlines). I figure I'd rather spend the rent money to be someplace I want to be. One thing that's keeping me here is that our mother, who is private pay, has assets great enough that unless she lives to 105, my sister and I will have the inheritance she and our father wanted us to have, so I feel somewhat “guilty” if I don't stay around to visit each day as long as she is living in order to “earn” it (not to imply I don't love her and wouldn't want to visit even if she didn't have it, although it does get a bit tedious at times). On the other side, my sister is still her and will visit (and has POA although my BIL feels I should take over), and of course the nursing home cares for her. BTW our mother asks what the NH costs, and I tell her $200/day, and then she asks how we manage that, and we say there's no need to worry about it. I'm 62, and I won't be getting any younger if I stay here.
Sorry for the long story, but I figure I need to give the whole picture. Have others had similar experiences?
Basically, you have to decide what YOU want to do. You might not ever have moved near her . . . many children live a thousand miles away from their folks as they age when there's close family nearby to take up the slack.
Frankly, if I were you, I'd move away. Your sister will probably throw darts at you for moving, feeling put-upon, but secretly delighted to have her house back...your brother-in-law will be delighted...your mom? Probably won't know much of a difference.
Call her every day. Go see her every few months. You're simply "hanging out" at sis's house waiting for mom to pass away. I don't say that in an unkind way, just that you aren't putting down roots -- that's not where you want to live -- and, after a year, it's time to get on with your life.
You've done more than many daughters would have done.
Some time soon, have a sit-down with your sister letting her know that you're going to move on. Let your emotions show through. TELL her you feel guilty; remind her that she has her roots there and a hubby/children at her side. And you? You have no one except her and a pile of clothes on the floor of her home. Let her know how much you appreciate everything she's doing for your mom, and are grateful that she's there to help mom when you don't feel you CAN be anymore. Let your brother-in-law know how much you've appreciated their hospitality knowing how much it's inconvenienced them. And ESPECIALLY him.
If you haven't been reciprocating by treating to dinners out, carry-in suppers a few nights a week, steaks for their freezer, etc., now's the time to start. Big time. On your way out the door, make a generous contribution to their children's college fund to reciprocate for them having let you stay in their home.
Continue expressing your gratitude often when you've relocated. When you talk to your sister and hear that mom needs something, jump in and offer it up immediately. Send it to your sister to give to your mom. Once a month, send your sister a restaurant gift card for her and her family -- $50 or so. "Thank you for all you're doing for Mom!!"
If you don't play your cards right, you're going to alienate your sister, in my opinion. It doesn't sound like you want that. She's been very accommodating to you. I wouldn't have let you live with me in MY small house for more than a week.
1) If you are going to stay in the area, get yourself an apartment. You deserve a place to hang your clothes. BIL and Sis deserve a return to some degree of "normal" for them.
2) Drop the resentment about BIL. None of this is his fault. He is trying to make the most of a challenging situation.
3) Unless you are named as the secondary POA, you can't simply "take over" no matter what BIL suggests. Are you secondary?
4) Mother may be very disappointed if you stop visiting daily. (Or she may not notice. Hard to predict with dementia.) But she won't be "betrayed." You could experiment by skipping your visits for several days and see what impact it has on her.
(I haven't visited my mom in NH in over a week, and I was planning to explain that I've been sick. But it was clear that she didn't realize I hadn't been there, so I didn't bring it up.)
5) Do you have to "earn" your future inheritance? I have absolutely no experience with inheritances, so I'll pass on that one.
Best wishes to you all.
The way I look at it, if ones parent(s) were still healthy, mobile and of clear mind and you asked the parent would it be ok if you moved across country for your career or whatever, the parent would probably say *yes*. Now if a parent has memory issues, he/she wouldn't be able to make a sound decision. And your mother's memory is only going to get worst and sadly to a point where she won't even recognize you.
It was gracious that your sister had offered you a bedroom, but it is time to move on to have your own place, it being either in the same town or in New Mexico. You don't want to wait until you are 72 and had wished you had moved ten years ago to New Mexico.
I moved. I am in AZ. and am 60. Mom is 95 and is in IL. She always traveled and lived where she wanted. I will, too.
Some days my mother has said "you don't have to come every day", but then on others the staff tells me she was worried about me all day because I wasn't there (I don't come until about 5 PM, but she doesn't keep track of time well). Thus, I get mixed signals from day to day.
The comments about life not being guaranteed certainly make sense. I lost vision in my dominant eye are few years ago due to a retinal detachment, so I want to enjoy life before anything happens to the other eye (of course I'm hoping it doesn't!).
Thanks again, and all the best to everyone!
Thank you for being so clear. And thank you, too, for being so candid not only with us, but also with yourself. Some of the things you mentioned - the tedium, the moderate resentment - struck particular chords with me; but many people are too embarrassed by these 'unworthy' feelings to acknowledge them.
"Betraying" is a very loaded word, you know. How, betraying? No, you wouldn't be betraying your mother; but that's not to say you might not regret moving to NM at this precise stage.
From your description of your mother's dementia, coming back to see her at reasonable intervals would be a waste of time and money - very rapidly, she would lose all knowledge of who you are and would not benefit from your visits. So: if you want to maintain your mother's benefiting from your care and attention, you'll have to stick around for the duration. Continuity is all. Would she suffer if you vanished over the horizon? No, not really. She is well cared for, you could ensure that remained so when you do visit, she would come to no additional harm. But that's not really the point, is it? You are a good, loving child; your sister ditto; you've been there for your mother because she's your mother. And that hasn't changed.
I agree with the consensus that there is no sense in continuing to live at your sister's house. The nephew's college fund is a worthy cause, but the discomfort and inconvenience are more than you should be expected to contribute to it. Have you looked at reasonably priced short to medium term lets, locally? Is there nothing available? Your sister's hoarding… love us and save us. If you feel inclined to tackle it, good for you, and good luck with it, but that's a hiding to nothing if ever there was one. There is certainly no reason why you should have to live among it.
Your BIL's idea that you take over the POA - unless you are named as deputy within the existing documentation - is a non-starter.
Why New Mexico, out of pure nosiness? The weather? The scenery? The ready availability of your preferred consulting work?
As regards the inheritance, the feeling that you ought to stick around to earn it - I would say deserve, rather than earn - is probably coming from you, as a sort of inverted gratitude, because you are a nice child with an appropriate sense of filial duty. But your parents made their arrangements in good time, long ago. There is no residual obligation to fulfil.
I suppose my feeling is that if you move before your mother passes away you risk spoiling the ship for a ha'p'orth of tar. No one would get hurt, but I suspect you might feel a sense of lasting dissatisfaction with yourself. Treading water is tedious and irksome (tell me about it); but you sound like the sort of person who is more than capable of using your time spent in limbo well. Why jump the gun?
I think youre a marvellous son AND lucky that you have your sister nearby to your mums home and yes you can come home when your sister needs a break!
Life is short and its getting shorter by the day GO live your life because if had my sister here or nearby i would be living my dream and i cant yet? so do it for you and do it for us here who just cant move where wed like to! My neighbours dad has had ALz for 12years hes in great health hes 86yrs old and is still doing well? SO we never know how long this could last?
Yes if your sister wasnt there it would be harder so be a supportive brother when you can but move to where you will be happy and best of luck to you!
My reasons for wanting to go to New Mexico are several but include the following: drier, warmer climate but not as hot as lowland Arizona; variety of natural regions within a day's drive (access to two distinct desert regions, various mountain ranges, Great Plains to the east, etc.), which is valuable to a field biologist; a medium-sized city having a state university with natural history museums (NMSU in Las Cruces, where I plan to go); relative freedom from natural disasters (no earthquakes, too little vegetation to support fires, too far west for tornadoes, little frozen winter precipitation); and a reasonable cost of living, including apartments and gasoline prices.
I'm going to “compromise” by waiting a little while before doing anything. Although my sister has POA (she said I'm listed as a backup for her), I can gently prod her to make sure the important things get done on a timely basis. Once all the assets are in our mother's name (instead of our father's name or held jointly), things should be simpler. Most of my consulting work will be done for the year quite soon (it is essentially seasonal and on a national basis, but very little if any is expected during the winter), so I can concentrate on working with my sister to get these things accomplished. If it gets too frustrating at the house, I may look for a small apartment locally. I'll admit I hate having to spend another winter in the eastern part of the country, especially if it is like last year's!
When I arrived back here yesterday and went straight to the nursing home, my mother was glad to see me but didn't realize I had been away over a week. My sister and her husband were away on vacation so I didn't want our mother not to have someone visiting any longer than necessary. By the way, I was invited to the condo where my sister was, and went for a couple day, and I had to explain to my BIL that the reason I wasn't staying longer was that I wanted to get back to see our mother. I gave my BIL some money, and he wondered why I felt the need to do that. I'm back in the house with my nephew, and I realize his pet dog and cat are a sizable part of my frustration because one has to take so many precautions to keep them from getting into everything! If I move out, I can explain that I'm simply not an “animal person” so they don't feel offended.
For one thing, there's no need for a grown man to apologise for preferring his own space, behind his own front door; and for another while it's lovely to have house guests, it's also lovely when they go… so those family members, while they'd hardly be so rude as to cheer loudly when you tell them you're moving on, won't necessarily be heartbroken if you want to get your own place.
Wasn't there something about a college fund for the nephew? - it sounds as if there's plenty of time to worry about that later, though. Why not just get comfortable while you wait.