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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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All I ever hear about are the negatives, are there any advantages to being a caregiver? It would help make my situation (I'm caring for an elderly grandparent) more hopeful and bearable.
It has been challenging and overwhelming taking care of both my in-laws in my home. It's a lot of work as my father in-law has acid reflux and incontinence. I was layed off from my job and this job soon took over! I know I'm doing the right thing but there are days I could use more help. You do need to take care of yourself and as they get older their naps are longer.
I will never regret taking care of my mom, and if I do have a point when the living arrangements changes, I still will be there for her!! I am a nurture at heart, and I am blessed that is part of me, and everyone on the web site! We can care for others, and that is a gift!
I cared for my father for 8 years and he just passed away. I feel good knowing that I did the best that I could, even though there were times that I thought that I needed more help. Now I feel somewhat guilty when I just go shopping or do yard work without taking care of him. There is a true void, but he, for sure is in a better place. He was 95 and a WWII veteran.
Out of the blue my Dad tied in his sleep day before my mom's 79th Birthday. My sister promised my dad she would take care of our mother.(Mom was never asked) She meaning my sister was going to put mom in Adult Daycare. Mom said she didn't want that. My brother, sister, myself and mom were sitting at the kitchen table and when my sister said she was going to put mom in daycare. Mom said NO I don't want that. Me being self employed working from home I said over my dead body is mom going to daycare. So mom moved in with me & my husband. Mom is in the early stages she repeats herself all day long and can't remember what she just said or what her heard. In the first 6 months my sister took mom when I pleated with her & that was a total of 18 days, my brother only 2 days. After 6 months my sister put mom in and Independant care place. Mom hated it.She would tell me I'm lonely on and on. Me being the daughter I am would go and get mom for days (I live 85 miles away) and i would call mom 4-5 times a day to make sure she was alright and was taking her med's. My sister on the other hand would go by every few days to check on the litter box and fill moms perscriptions..During the time mom as living at the Independant place I had taken mom 80 days. Mom & I would always go and do things she wanted. So Mom & I decided it was time for her to moved back home with me & my husband. All along I was always fighting with my siblings about mom.We never agreed on anything & still don't. My feelings were that I have been given the chance to show respect to my mother. She brought me into this world she took care of me and it was my time to take care of her. Now its my turn to be her mother so to speak. My sibling's can't be bothered they tell me they have their life to live. They don't call or come see mom. At first I would send them emails wanting them to be part of mom life and help me once in a while(I'm the youngest). This time around I realize I'm all on my own with mom. That's ok because I know I'm doing what is right and one of these days my siblings are going to be the ones that are sorry not me. Being a caretaker isn't easy. Mom thinks she can do what she wants and that's nothing. I'm always on her lets to this or that. It doesn't matter what does is I have my mom and I love her. I didn't realize how much I loved her until my dad past away.. Love you Mom love Mona.
As difficult as it has been for me, caring and almost giving up my life for my Parents, I'm thankful that I found out early that setting boundaries and making it clear how much of me that I would sacrifice to those who have an "all about me!" and maybe you along the way view of the world.
Once I realized that I had done ALL that I could and was now willing to do knowing that my Parents are well taken care of, needs met and many of their wants, I now can breathe and enjoy the air that God has provided for me as well.
So now I take vacations whenever my dear husband says lets go...baby I'm packing! And I go knowing that every "I" is dotted and "T" is crossed and anything that happens...happened beyond my control.
My friend, If you know you are climbing up a slippery mountain by continuing to attempt to satisfy an unsatisfy-able person, plant your feet on solid ground and take your life back!
I look at the "benefits" of caregiving as paying it forward. At some point, someone will have to care for me. I am using the experiences and knowledge to help others, for this I feel blessed; my journey isn't for nothing.
Take some time to reflect on how you want to live your life while caring for your Mom, then proceed to do so. I once was lost but now I'm found. Thanks to this website I am a better care giver.
I have many negatives like every caregiver. I could go on about that but these days now since mom is last stage Dementia the positives outweighs the negatives. I am thankful that I have been given the chance to show respect to my mother whom I was never close too. She brought me into this world and yes she wasn't the ideal mom. but she is my mom. She took care of me in her own way. And now its my turn to be her mother so to speak. The last 2 1/2 yrs I have grown in many ways. I have learned to appreciate the time we have here on this earth. And the things I valued as important in my life, are they really that important? Yes, I think back about having time to myself, having the income to go shopping or out to eat, having a nice car and a job. But now when I am able to get away I make the most of the short time. I appreciate the little things. I feel that I was destined for this. I have only recently came to terms with that. But between me and my siblings, I am the one who has the caregiver personality. I blame it on middle child syndrome. But I feel it was always me, a higher power chose me for this role and has prepared me for the last 32 years. I would have never thought I would persue a career in home health prior to helping with mom. But that job choice really helped prepare me for this. Being that mom and I wasn't close allowed me to be more objective about caring for mom. Instead of letting my emotions overwhelm the situation. I have given my mother the opportunity to get the best quality of life by allowing her to remain at home. That did come at a price but its not all about me. Its about her!!! I have learned who my real friends and family is now. My closest friends now are some of moms old friends who has stuck by me. I feel like I have gained 3 more mothers.
It takes time to see the positives of what your doing. For me, I had to let go of resentment from what happened to my personal life. Somedays, that resentment lingers a bit, but I am given the strength to see the good that has come from this. You will too reach that point.
Too soon my mother will leave this earth with me and my husband by her side comforting her. I will have no regrets, knowing that I did my best. I will always cherish this time I had with her. The memories are mine to keep. I hope all of this will teach my children the value of family and unconditional love.
Pat yourself on the back at least once a day! Your doing a great job!!!
I love this question. I benefit every day from caring for my mom -- I know I am doing the very best I can at a job that only I can do. The family benefits financially from my donation of my time and care. The many people who love my mom are grateful that she is well and happy, and most people appreciate the thought and effort I put into care taking. I am able to help and advise other friends and family who are going through the same type of situation. And after the death of my partner a few years ago, I don't think I would be able to make it without the company and love of my mom. I
t's not all roses: it is hard, and challenging, and I'm sure I sometimes make mistakes in caregiving, I think some of my friends don't really respect the choice I've made, I don't have much time for myself, and my work life sometimes suffers. But I am proud to be caring for the person who gave me life, proud to be doing my family duty, and proud to be doing the right thing.
What I see now, is that I have 'bonded' with others in this caregiving role. Right now I'm miserable having gone through the many stages of caregiving. The first stage is sympathy, and feeling bad for the person you are caring for and there are several ups and downs til you get to the "numb" spot. I do feel sorry and sympathy for her, but am now filled with anger, depression, and stress.
During my college years, I didn't see the usefulness of many of the things learned until well after graduation. Then I was so grateful! Now I regret having sold many of those "useless" books.
When I cared for Mom, the b ___ing, moaning and groaning on my part never ended. I didn't have a social life, and even when I had the opportunity to get back to humanity I couldn't figure out how to function outside caregiving. I was literally "useless" to everyone ... including Mom. She was never satisfied -- and still isn't.
Caregiving tested my mettle but it made me a stronger, more resilient man. I evolved into a much more responsible person. I learned the true meaning of selflessness, and discovered how deep and powerful the love for a parent can be. Even when you hate some of the things they do and say, your heart often forgives them. Or you delude yourself into believing you've forgiven them.
Caregiving also exposed my innermost flaws enough for me to see them. Every day I wanted to be a better man, a better person, and a better human being.
That, my friend, is about as close as we'll ever get to sainthood.
It is difficult at times to recognize the benefits of caregiving when stress and frustration are taking over, however it’s important to acknowledge that there are benefits to this role. Taking time to appreciate the benefits during the caregiver experience will help ease some of the strain of caregiving and allow you to appreciate the care recipient more. It can help you develop a deeper relationship with the care recipient as you take the time to talk, go for walks or simply “be” with them. Caregiving can bond siblings when individuals come together to meet their parents needs. Also make sure you identify and utilize respite options whether family, community members or a paid provider. You will need a break in order to provide the best care to your loved one and you don’t have to do it alone.
I have been caring for my mom for 1 1/2 yrs now, with a 4 hr break every 3 months from my brother. The benefits .... watching her reaction as I hand her a warm slice of apple pie with ice cream; listening to her eww and ahhh when I pull out her warm nightgown from the dryer and put it on her; watch her tear up as she watches a girly movie with me; laughing while my husband and her banter back and forth everyday for fun; making her laugh so hard she pees her pants (even worth the changing); knowing her last days on this earth are safe, comfy, and happy; curling her hair every 3 days so she looks and feels pretty. All of these things are mixed in with the gross things, and aggravating things, and frustrating things, and overwhelming things, but I would bet anything when it is all over, it's the good memories that we will carry with us forever. I would bet after time, the difficult memories will be just a shadow of the good memories. Lord help us all to be kind and patient, and when we fail, don't let us be so hard on ourselves.
sosad2, sounds like you are going through caregiver burnout and really need a break. A walk or talk with a spiritual advisor could help and not cost any money. What is your Mom's condition and how much help does she need, is it 24 hrs a day or once a day. You can search in the phone book or online for some help depending on your financials and your Mom's. Some county agencies have services for free or small fee, my family used those before my Dad with Alzheimers had to go to an Alzheimers facilty and my Mom to Assisted Living and they were a big help. This website has been an enormous relief for me, just knowing that others are going through the same and hearing how they handle themselves and the ones they care for provides comfort to me. It is also a good place to vent to people who know what you are going through. Your feelings are normal, we all have them and they should not make you feel guilty. It is a huge change in your life, but also in your Mom's. My Dad is happy where he is because of his condition, but my Mom is lonely and almost blind so it is hard for her. I call her every other day, visit once a week, take here to all her appts because I am the only sibling that doesn't work. But she is very annoying, doesn't trust anything I do, at 92 she is set in her ways. When I visit, I can't tolerate more than 30 minutes. But when I think about seeing her, it makes me feel good, that I did something very helpful for someone else. . The best thing us kids and Mom and Dad did about 15 years ago was to consult with an elder care attorney and have all their assets put in a trust in the kids name. That way, the state can't take anything and we use that money to pay their expenses. If you are a religious person, ask God for help. Sort out you day so that you have some time with your husband and children, and for yourself. The depressed feelings don't last forever.
I have to preface this by saying that I am helping Dad take care of Mom. It's not all on me, so that is no doubt a huge difference between my situation and some of the other posters. For me, the benefits are many, as Mom is still able to enjoy things, still cracks jokes, is still able to say I love you. She does not do all those things all the time. She doesn't always know me or Dad. There are sad moments, exasperating moments, scary moments. But when I kissed her goodnight Monday and said, "We sure had a great time seeing the kids dressed up for Halloween tonight, didn't we?" Mom smiled and said, "We sure did. I'm really tired, but I'm glad we went to see them." Now 30 seconds later, she didn't remember we had gone and wanted to go home. But for fleeting moments, she has great joy, and those moments are tremendous benefits I would not witness nearly as often if I did not live with her and Dad and help out. I'm blessed to be able to help, as I am not married and do not have kids, so again, I do not have the divided responsibilities that many have. So I don't want to sound Polyannaish, but those joyful moments really are worthwhile for me. Having time away from home is important, and I have gotten better in the last 18 mos. at creating time and space away. I hear the pain in sosad2's words and send prayers and wishes for finding help from somewhere in some form to take some of the load.
sosad2, I don't know why someone would delete your response. It may be a downer, but it is a realistic answer from someone who is there. Seeing my mom in the condition she is now in for me is heartbreaking. You have to make time for yourself even if it is to sit down and read a book or get your nails done or even take a walk.
I love my mother and have been there for her my whole life -- but right now I'm not seeing any benefit at all. I'm looking at having to quit my job, my relationship with my siblings have been strained and moving towards non-existance, my marriage is strained and my parenting has been undermined. I'm stressed beyond belief and cannot even keep a dr. appointment for myself. My social life is greatly impacted as I can no longer bear to be around non-caregiving friends as their life seems so free. The brass ring that i had believe would be there as my teens graduate is gone. My opinion on life has changed the person I am. I cannot be around my mother for long periods of time as my tolerance level is gone. Financially, it can be devastating although it is not right now, but once I lose my job, it will be. I no longer go to lunch or even have lunch hours as the time I'm gone from the office, I have to make up somehow. The one benefit I'm seeing at this point, is that I am making new friends in similar situations which has changed everything around me. Sorry to be such a downer, and this can be deleted if someone doesn't feel it's appropriate.
To me the benefit is to be able to give my mom the same loving care that she gave me growing up. Caring for her has brought my oldest brother and I closer together than we have ever been. Although it definitely has it's ups and downs, what I can give her is from the heart, not because I feel it's my responsibility.
The benefits are there, if you don't let caregiving become your whole life. Because we're human, we often don't see the benefits until it's over. Then we look back and think, "I'm glad I did what I could." The key is to avoid becoming resentful, and that means setting some boundaries. Decide how much you can give long-term. Get help where you need it - hired or other family members. Understand that you have limits, but that you want to make their lives easier, and that you want them to know you love them. Making another person feel loved comes back to you. Remember that you can still be a caregiver, even if you get outside help or they eventually go to a nursing home. They will still need an advocate and loving family members. So, the benefits are there, but they are often elusive during the hard times. Try to get time away to appreciate from a distance all that you are doing. Good luck. You sound like a good person. Carol
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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My sibling's can't be bothered they tell me they have their life to live. They don't call or come see mom. At first I would send them emails wanting them to be part of mom life and help me once in a while(I'm the youngest). This time around I realize I'm all on my own with mom. That's ok because I know I'm doing what is right and one of these days my siblings are going to be the ones that are sorry not me. Being a caretaker isn't easy. Mom thinks she can do what she wants and that's nothing. I'm always on her lets to this or that. It doesn't matter what does is I have my mom and I love her. I didn't realize how much I loved her until my dad past away..
Love you Mom love Mona.
Once I realized that I had done ALL that I could and was now willing to do knowing that my Parents are well taken care of, needs met and many of their wants, I now can breathe and enjoy the air that God has provided for me as well.
So now I take vacations whenever my dear husband says lets go...baby I'm packing! And I go knowing that every "I" is dotted and "T" is crossed and anything that happens...happened beyond my control.
My friend, If you know you are climbing up a slippery mountain by continuing to attempt to satisfy an unsatisfy-able person, plant your feet on solid ground and take your life back!
I look at the "benefits" of caregiving as paying it forward. At some point, someone will have to care for me. I am using the experiences and knowledge to help others, for this I feel blessed; my journey isn't for nothing.
Take some time to reflect on how you want to live your life while caring for your Mom, then proceed to do so. I once was lost but now I'm found. Thanks to this website I am a better care giver.
I wish you wellness and a meaning filled life.
It takes time to see the positives of what your doing. For me, I had to let go of resentment from what happened to my personal life. Somedays, that resentment lingers a bit, but I am given the strength to see the good that has come from this. You will too reach that point.
Too soon my mother will leave this earth with me and my husband by her side comforting her. I will have no regrets, knowing that I did my best. I will always cherish this time I had with her. The memories are mine to keep. I hope all of this will teach my children the value of family and unconditional love.
Pat yourself on the back at least once a day! Your doing a great job!!!
t's not all roses: it is hard, and challenging, and I'm sure I sometimes make mistakes in caregiving, I think some of my friends don't really respect the choice I've made, I don't have much time for myself, and my work life sometimes suffers. But I am proud to be caring for the person who gave me life, proud to be doing my family duty, and proud to be doing the right thing.
What I see now, is that I have 'bonded' with others in this caregiving role. Right now I'm miserable having gone through the many stages of caregiving. The first stage is sympathy, and feeling bad for the person you are caring for and there are several ups and downs til you get to the "numb" spot. I do feel sorry and sympathy for her, but am now filled with anger, depression, and stress.
During my college years, I didn't see the usefulness of many of the things learned until well after graduation. Then I was so grateful! Now I regret having sold many of those "useless" books.
When I cared for Mom, the b ___ing, moaning and groaning on my part never ended. I didn't have a social life, and even when I had the opportunity to get back to humanity I couldn't figure out how to function outside caregiving. I was literally "useless" to everyone ... including Mom. She was never satisfied -- and still isn't.
Caregiving tested my mettle but it made me a stronger, more resilient man. I evolved into a much more responsible person. I learned the true meaning of selflessness, and discovered how deep and powerful the love for a parent can be. Even when you hate some of the things they do and say, your heart often forgives them. Or you delude yourself into believing you've forgiven them.
Caregiving also exposed my innermost flaws enough for me to see them. Every day I wanted to be a better man, a better person, and a better human being.
That, my friend, is about as close as we'll ever get to sainthood.
Sincerely,
Jill
What is your Mom's condition and how much help does she need, is it 24 hrs a day or once a day. You can search in the phone book or online for some help depending on your financials and your Mom's. Some county agencies have services for free or small fee, my family used those before my Dad with Alzheimers had to go to an Alzheimers facilty and my Mom to Assisted Living and they were a big help. This website has been an enormous relief for me, just knowing that others are going through the same and hearing how they handle themselves and the ones they care for provides comfort to me. It is also a good place to vent to people who know what you are going through.
Your feelings are normal, we all have them and they should not make you feel guilty. It is a huge change in your life, but also in your Mom's.
My Dad is happy where he is because of his condition, but my Mom is lonely and almost blind so it is hard for her. I call her every other day, visit once a week, take here to all her appts because I am the only sibling that doesn't work. But she is very annoying, doesn't trust anything I do, at 92 she is set in her ways. When I visit, I can't tolerate more than 30 minutes. But when I think about seeing her, it makes me feel good, that I did something very helpful for someone else. . The best thing us kids and Mom and Dad did about 15 years ago was to consult with an elder care attorney and have all their assets put in a trust in the kids name. That way, the state can't take anything and we use that money to pay their expenses.
If you are a religious person, ask God for help. Sort out you day so that you have some time with your husband and children, and for yourself. The depressed feelings don't last forever.
The key is to avoid becoming resentful, and that means setting some boundaries. Decide how much you can give long-term. Get help where you need it - hired or other family members. Understand that you have limits, but that you want to make their lives easier, and that you want them to know you love them. Making another person feel loved comes back to you. Remember that you can still be a caregiver, even if you get outside help or they eventually go to a nursing home. They will still need an advocate and loving family members. So, the benefits are there, but they are often elusive during the hard times. Try to get time away to appreciate from a distance all that you are doing.
Good luck. You sound like a good person.
Carol