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There is nothing you can do ! Your not legally his spouse. If he wants to waste his money on some online who knows what then he can d o what he wants ! Its his money .Not yours .. Like the old saying .. There is a fool born every second .. And he is the fool ..
Parental controls on the internet will work - only if Dad is not the one paying the bills. If the cable is in his name, nobody else can choose what Dad watches.
If the money is your concern,I suggest you show him the "free cam's" and other free sex related material. If he's paying for it online or through phone sex lines in this day and age, my guess is he isn't just looking for a quick fix sexually, he's able to forge a virtual relationship with these women.They remember his name,his preferences etc. and they talk with him.It isn't always about the act of sex when men turn to pay sex.It's about their loneliness and inability ( for whatever reason) to forge a relationship in real life.The women who provide these services on the net may sit in front of the cam provocatively but often they spend their time simply talking with the client. Surprised? Why do you think men are willing to pay for their attention? They want no demand on the manhood, no commitments and no hassles. Understanding what you see as a problem may be your first step toward a productive conversation with him over the amount of money he is spending on his "girls". Also have you considered he doesn't intend to leave his children anything? There are many people these days who re coming around to the idea that they worked for their money, so they will spend it instead of doing without and giving it to the kids.
"obviously there are problems here" -- no kidding! :)
I doubt very much that an ex-wife has a lot of clout to get someone declared incompetent and/or to take over his finances. Perhaps one or more of the children could attempt these steps.
TooYoungForThis missed the mark entirely on this thread. I've read other responses from this person on other threads and she (he?) makes sensible comments and gives good answers. This was not one of them. :) No one gives great answers everytime. No shame in that. But, whoa, the assumptions about the original poster's motives and the ex-husband's medical condition were way, way off the mark. Obviously that is my opinion. Your opinion may vary. :)
I'm not sure that "Too Young for This" missed the mark totally. It was a very plain spoken answer. I'm not sure that he's a sex addict, but obviously there are problems here. For God sake get him declared incompetent and take over his finances. The rest will take care of itself. The hookers and tramps don't want an old man who has no money.
Need4Hugs, I agree the OP is owed and apology from Too Young For This, but none will be forthcoming.
This issue needs to be addressed, that is fraud that is going on. The one who had him go to the bank(didn't anyone at the bank question who this woman was?) committed a crime. I would have her tracked down and contact the police.
He is a sex addict, TooYoungForThis? Really? You can diagnose that from a short description of his behavior? I'm impressed -- not.
I believe your loved one has mobility issues. I don't know if you have ever lived with or cared for someone with dementia and/or Parkinson's. I have. Many, many people who post here have. Have a look at emjo23's post in this thread. That is a far more likely explanation than that this man is a "sex addict" and does "what a lonely man does." He has a disease. YooHoo ... this man has a disease. And you know that he is still competent because ... well, just how do you know that?
You who were so quick to conclude that his children only care about their inheritance and that is ex-wife has something to gain by trying to look out for him and now feel qualified to diagnose his problems and his competency kind of make me sad.
I have a ex who I still care about and I would be willing to try to help out children help him if I thought he was in trouble. Heck, I'd even be willing to help out my stepchildren if they were worried about my husband's ex (their mother). My ex's children each make more money themselves than he ever did and have no interest in his money, but I imagine they would be alarmed if he was going through his assets quickly and was likely to run out of money to pay for his assisted living care. Perhaps because I have these facts in my own background I did not immediately assume the worst motives of the original poster. It is sad to me that anyone's background predisposed them to jump to the worse-case-scenario conclusions and then make pronouncements based on that jump.
I think the kids need to get control of the situation with a conservatorship of his money. Obviously he will run out of money and the kids will have to support him if something isn't done soon.
Too Young for This I agree with Irish boy. You've got a dumb answer. You are in such defense of hookahs and online scammers, it makes me think that you are one. I'm sure this desperate, concerned woman looking for help doesn't need to hear your crappy rant. You should apologize! Older folks with Parkinson's or other debilitating diseases usually have impaired cognitive ability , which helps them make bad choices. I can see why his loved ones are concerned for him. Again, YOU should apologize for your post!!
Okay, so now we have more info to go on. Thanks for that. I misunderstood your post, obviously----I thought he was just doing the online thing where you pay to watch a woman strip on the other end of the computer.
He's a sex addict. That's the #1 problem here. Everything else is happening because of that. At 78 years old, are you going to change him now? Probably not.
He is lonely. That is #2, & blatantly obvious. #1 and #2 together is a very dangerous combination. And there are a heck of a lot of people out there----both men & women----who are lonely & get taken to the cleaners by people that know that & manipulate them to give out their money. "You give me money, I'll give you love." He is paying for someone to make him feel like they love him. And women know that men equate sex with love. He is having a heck of a time at 78 years old with women that are 25 years old! They make him feel invigorated, rejuvenated & youthful!!! And for that, he will empty his wallet.
I'm not sure there is any "cure" for this. Sex addiction is like any other addiction----it can bankrupt you, ruin your life & kill you. It is painful for his kids to see him go through this, but there is little they can do. He's not incompetent, and he knows what he's doing----you may not see it that way, but it's the truth. People will pay a high price to beat loneliness. That's what he's doing. Trying to reason with someone that has an addiction is like beating your head up against a brick wall----you're only going to get a headache & nothing else. Unless he can find himself a girlfriend his own age, he's going to continue doing this.
He could also be very depressed----it sounds like he is. Spending money on women so they like you is a classic example of what a lonely man does.
ex wife - we have seen this problem before here with Parkinson's. I looked it up online and Impulse Control Disorder (ICD) can happen with this disease - to quote - "In Parkinson's disease (PD), ICDs most commonly include pathological gambling, excessive spending and hypersexuality " Greg Pontone, MD. It can be related to the meds they are taking and in the one instance that I recall from this site, the dr changed the patient's meds and the problem went away. His doctor needs to be informed about this behaviour as he may have a solution. Good luck to you and your children, It is good of you to try to help. Let us know what happens.
Had some trouble getting back here, I am Ex-wife02. The kids are ours, and he is an elder, 78 years old in later stages of Parkinson's His sexual obsession is much more than normal and since the women make no secret of their professions my statements were not overstated. His latest "lady" is 25, a stripper at a local club and has already taken him to the bank to cash a check and to the mall on a marathon shopping trip. When the kids wanted to meet her, she disappeared. She asked him to marry her on their first date and tried to get a $4000 line of credit at a casino using his name. In my world this sounds a little like a scam. He also has sent money overseas to women he met online. None of these females have made any secret about what they do for a living, but he will not see reason when it comes to understanding their interest in him. In his mind he is in love with them and they love him too. If this is a normal way of filling his empty life it is dangerous and will leave him broke and unable to pay for his remaining years. I thank all of you for the suggestions, I will pass along these to my kids. The judgements are because all the facts are hard to cover in this venue. I was married to this man for many years and have been divorced for 20 plus years. I have no interest other than one human for another and not wanting to see a friend come to harm.
Parkinson's can alter a person's ability to think logically. The Kids should communicate with Dad's doctor and advise that dad is giving money to on line hookers. Get documentation that dad is not competent, and take that to guardianship court.
Also contact APS and see if there is something that can be done. They may be able to pursue individuals exploiting the disabled.
See if you can have someone be a conservator of his money. Put limited money in the account he uses, maybe weekly, and keep the other in a different account to pay his bills etc. Once the ladies get no money, they should stop. Also, see if you can get a record of who he has paid, and send them a notice that they are taking advantage of a disabled person and if they continue, the kids will advise "the authorities" (police? fraud unit? APS?)
I don't know if blocking his internet will work, seems like there are so many ways around this.
Finally, let Dad know how much he has spent, and how much he will need in the future. Budgeting is important. Have it written down so he has time to think about it when he isn't feeling foolish or confronted. Then offer to help him with his money.
I wonder if viewing strippers has been a part of this man life since he was young. Or is this something brand new that is happening? Would any of the medications side effect be causing these urges? Or is it his fear of getting old, thus communicating with much younger women makes him feel years younger and it is worth every penny?
I have found this interesting, as rarely if ever does one complain about their wife, mother, or grandmother going on-line to develop *sexual* relationships. Yes, there are many stories about catfishing, where the woman thinks a gentleman wants to marry her and she send him her life savings. But sex isn't on the top of list.
Too young for this, yours has got to be the dumbest reponse I have ever seen on here.
Ever think he is going through all his money and won't be able to pay his bills? You know property taxes, credit card bills, groceries, etc????
How about if HHC workers need to be hired? Or if he has to go into assisted living at $4,000 or more a month? Than what?
I know, contact the strippers and hookers and those good hearted gals will send some money....LOL.
As far as meeting women online goes, he isn't meeting these women to form actual human contact, these are scammers, they're one step away from someone who would be hired to come into the home and steals.
The only thing you got right was that the OP as the ex-wife can't do anything about it, but the adult children certainly should.
Interesting you think their only concern is inheritance, sounds like you're talking about yourself.
I have a friend whose mom has had Parkinsons for several years. She is now at the point where she can't be left alone. My friend takes care of her on weekends and they have two women the rest of the time. It's costing the family $5K a month, that's $60K a year, money doesn't grow on trees.
This issue needs to be addressed by the adult children, and worrying about the inheritance isn't the main reason.
Why should his kids seeks guardianship, put parental controls on his computer & take away his ability to access HIS MONEY? What is he doing, besides spending HIS MONEY on what HE wants to spend it on? Why do "his kids" care what he spends HIS MONEY on? Because that means there's going to be less money for them when he passes away? Even people with chronic diseases have needs, not just healthy people. Don't be so quick to chalk this up to paranoia or a mental breakdown or medications. How do his kids know that he has sent "thousands of dollars" to "strippers & hookers"? Or are they just speculating about this?
To start off, you can't do anything as an ex-wife. You don't say whether "his kids" are your kids too or if they are your ex step-children. No matter what they are, they have no power or control over this part of his life, & forcing themselves into it is rude & entirely inappropriate. He can form relationships with whomever he wants & give his money to whomever he wants. Are "his kids" upset because he is sending his money to these women instead of giving his money to them? Is he able to afford to send money to these women? If he is able to afford it, what do they care? Maybe his paranoia is not as crazy as it seems. If "his kids" are after his money, his paranoia is valid.
Why are his kids "getting desperate to put it to a stop"? Just because they do not approve, or because he is giving away HIS MONEY to people other than his children, is not a reason to "put it to a stop". If he was having online sex that was free, would they be so intent to "put it to a stop", or is it just because he is paying for it that they want to "put it to a stop"? These women are giving him something he needs & wants------SEX. Whether it is online SEX or phone sex, that is what he needs and wants. Who are his kids to tell him to stop doing that? Do "his kids" have alternative ways of providing him with the "services" to take care of his needs? If they don't, then they should remove their noses from where they don't belong. He is not the first man, nor the last man, to pay for online sex services. They can look at it this way: He is far safer having online sex than he would be having a prostitute/call girl go to his house for real sex----he could catch some STD or get robbed or worse.
He not is not being "scammed". He is seeking these relationships online, he knows what he is doing, and nobody is twisting his arm to get him to pay them money-----he is doing it of his own volition. That is not a "scam" at all. Just because "his kids" don't like it doesn't mean it is a "scam" & he has to stop doing it. That is also not a reason to try to get guardianship. Obtaining guardianship is for when someone is unsafe or a danger to themselves or others. Your ex-husband is neither a danger to himself nor a threat to anyone else. Watching women strip on a computer screen isn't dangerous in any way. What "his kids" are threatened by is that he is going to spend all his money on what he likes instead of giving the money to them. That's what this is all about. They should be happy that he is doing something that makes him happy & satisfies his needs. The only "scam" would be his kids getting guardianship & removing him from controlling his own money & not allowing him to use his computer the way he wants. He's not 9 years old----he is a grown man. Why should he be treated like he is 9 years old, with parental controls on his computer? Do you know how many men watch pornography on their computer? Millions & millions & millions & millions & millions......................... What's the big deal?
If he had unknown women coming into his home, that would be a much different story. However, there are plenty of reputable "call out" companies out there that employ clean, nice, pretty women that wouldn't rob him or beat him up. Would his kids feel better if he did that?
The topic that nobody talks about with respect to their Parkinson's affected loved ones, or anyone with a chronic disease, is the fact that they have basic human needs, just like people without Parkinson's or other chronic diseases. Those needs must be met somehow. Is it a horrible thing that he wants to meet his needs by meeting women online? I don't think so. What do his kids want him to do? Sit in a chair with his hands folded in his lap, watching cartoons like a child?
"His kids" should butt out. This is nothing more than "his kids" not wanting him to spend any of the money that they would get after his death. It is greed, pure & simple.
This is a subject nobody seems to want to discuss when talking about their Parkinson's afflicted loved ones. My ex-husband has had Parkinson's for a number of years and in the last year either because of medication of mental breakdown he has become paranoid about his kids and spends all his time online developing relationships with strippers and hookers, who have been scamming him. He has sent thousands of dollars to them. The situation is becoming dire and the kids are getting desperate to put it to a stop.
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If he's paying for it online or through phone sex lines in this day and age, my guess is he isn't just looking for a quick fix sexually, he's able to forge a virtual relationship with these women.They remember his name,his preferences etc. and they talk with him.It isn't always about the act of sex when men turn to pay sex.It's about their loneliness and inability ( for whatever reason) to forge a relationship in real life.The women who provide these services on the net may sit in front of the cam provocatively but often they spend their time simply talking with the client.
Surprised? Why do you think men are willing to pay for their attention? They want no demand on the manhood, no commitments and no hassles.
Understanding what you see as a problem may be your first step toward a productive conversation with him over the amount of money he is spending on his "girls".
Also have you considered he doesn't intend to leave his children anything?
There are many people these days who re coming around to the idea that they worked for their money, so they will spend it instead of doing without and giving it to the kids.
I doubt very much that an ex-wife has a lot of clout to get someone declared incompetent and/or to take over his finances. Perhaps one or more of the children could attempt these steps.
TooYoungForThis missed the mark entirely on this thread. I've read other responses from this person on other threads and she (he?) makes sensible comments and gives good answers. This was not one of them. :) No one gives great answers everytime. No shame in that. But, whoa, the assumptions about the original poster's motives and the ex-husband's medical condition were way, way off the mark. Obviously that is my opinion. Your opinion may vary. :)
This issue needs to be addressed, that is fraud that is going on. The one who had him go to the bank(didn't anyone at the bank question who this woman was?) committed a crime. I would have her tracked down and contact the police.
I believe your loved one has mobility issues. I don't know if you have ever lived with or cared for someone with dementia and/or Parkinson's. I have. Many, many people who post here have. Have a look at emjo23's post in this thread. That is a far more likely explanation than that this man is a "sex addict" and does "what a lonely man does." He has a disease. YooHoo ... this man has a disease. And you know that he is still competent because ... well, just how do you know that?
You who were so quick to conclude that his children only care about their inheritance and that is ex-wife has something to gain by trying to look out for him and now feel qualified to diagnose his problems and his competency kind of make me sad.
I have a ex who I still care about and I would be willing to try to help out children help him if I thought he was in trouble. Heck, I'd even be willing to help out my stepchildren if they were worried about my husband's ex (their mother). My ex's children each make more money themselves than he ever did and have no interest in his money, but I imagine they would be alarmed if he was going through his assets quickly and was likely to run out of money to pay for his assisted living care. Perhaps because I have these facts in my own background I did not immediately assume the worst motives of the original poster. It is sad to me that anyone's background predisposed them to jump to the worse-case-scenario conclusions and then make pronouncements based on that jump.
I agree with Irish boy. You've got a dumb answer. You are in such defense of hookahs and online scammers, it makes me think that you are one. I'm sure this desperate, concerned woman looking for help doesn't need to hear your crappy rant. You should apologize!
Older folks with Parkinson's or other debilitating diseases usually have impaired cognitive ability , which helps them make bad choices. I can see why his loved ones are concerned for him.
Again, YOU should apologize for your post!!
He's a sex addict. That's the #1 problem here. Everything else is happening because of that. At 78 years old, are you going to change him now? Probably not.
He is lonely. That is #2, & blatantly obvious. #1 and #2 together is a very dangerous combination. And there are a heck of a lot of people out there----both men & women----who are lonely & get taken to the cleaners by people that know that & manipulate them to give out their money. "You give me money, I'll give you love." He is paying for someone to make him feel like they love him. And women know that men equate sex with love. He is having a heck of a time at 78 years old with women that are 25 years old! They make him feel invigorated, rejuvenated & youthful!!! And for that, he will empty his wallet.
I'm not sure there is any "cure" for this. Sex addiction is like any other addiction----it can bankrupt you, ruin your life & kill you. It is painful for his kids to see him go through this, but there is little they can do. He's not incompetent, and he knows what he's doing----you may not see it that way, but it's the truth. People will pay a high price to beat loneliness. That's what he's doing. Trying to reason with someone that has an addiction is like beating your head up against a brick wall----you're only going to get a headache & nothing else. Unless he can find himself a girlfriend his own age, he's going to continue doing this.
He could also be very depressed----it sounds like he is. Spending money on women so they like you is a classic example of what a lonely man does.
His doctor needs to be informed about this behaviour as he may have a solution.
Good luck to you and your children, It is good of you to try to help. Let us know what happens.
His latest "lady" is 25, a stripper at a local club and has already taken him to the bank to cash a check and to the mall on a marathon shopping trip. When the kids wanted to meet her, she disappeared. She asked him to marry her on their first date and tried to get a $4000 line of credit at a casino using his name. In my world this sounds a little like a scam.
He also has sent money overseas to women he met online. None of these females have made any secret about what they do for a living, but he will not see reason when it comes to understanding their interest in him. In his mind he is in love with them and they love him too. If this is a normal way of filling his empty life it is dangerous and will leave him broke and unable to pay for his remaining years.
I thank all of you for the suggestions, I will pass along these to my kids. The judgements are because all the facts are hard to cover in this venue.
I was married to this man for many years and have been divorced for 20 plus years. I have no interest other than one human for another and not wanting to see a friend come to harm.
Also contact APS and see if there is something that can be done. They may be able to pursue individuals exploiting the disabled.
See if you can have someone be a conservator of his money. Put limited money in the account he uses, maybe weekly, and keep the other in a different account to pay his bills etc. Once the ladies get no money, they should stop. Also, see if you can get a record of who he has paid, and send them a notice that they are taking advantage of a disabled person and if they continue, the kids will advise "the authorities" (police? fraud unit? APS?)
I don't know if blocking his internet will work, seems like there are so many ways around this.
Finally, let Dad know how much he has spent, and how much he will need in the future. Budgeting is important. Have it written down so he has time to think about it when he isn't feeling foolish or confronted. Then offer to help him with his money.
Good luck.
I have found this interesting, as rarely if ever does one complain about their wife, mother, or grandmother going on-line to develop *sexual* relationships. Yes, there are many stories about catfishing, where the woman thinks a gentleman wants to marry her and she send him her life savings. But sex isn't on the top of list.
Ever think he is going through all his money and won't be able to pay his bills? You know property taxes, credit card bills, groceries, etc????
How about if HHC workers need to be hired? Or if he has to go into assisted living at $4,000 or more a month? Than what?
I know, contact the strippers and hookers and those good hearted gals will send some money....LOL.
As far as meeting women online goes, he isn't meeting these women to form actual human contact, these are scammers, they're one step away from someone who would be hired to come into the home and steals.
The only thing you got right was that the OP as the ex-wife can't do anything about it, but the adult children certainly should.
Interesting you think their only concern is inheritance, sounds like you're talking about yourself.
I have a friend whose mom has had Parkinsons for several years. She is now at the point where she can't be left alone. My friend takes care of her on weekends and they have two women the rest of the time. It's costing the family $5K a month, that's $60K a year, money doesn't grow on trees.
This issue needs to be addressed by the adult children, and worrying about the inheritance isn't the main reason.
To start off, you can't do anything as an ex-wife. You don't say whether "his kids" are your kids too or if they are your ex step-children. No matter what they are, they have no power or control over this part of his life, & forcing themselves into it is rude & entirely inappropriate. He can form relationships with whomever he wants & give his money to whomever he wants. Are "his kids" upset because he is sending his money to these women instead of giving his money to them? Is he able to afford to send money to these women? If he is able to afford it, what do they care? Maybe his paranoia is not as crazy as it seems. If "his kids" are after his money, his paranoia is valid.
Why are his kids "getting desperate to put it to a stop"? Just because they do not approve, or because he is giving away HIS MONEY to people other than his children, is not a reason to "put it to a stop". If he was having online sex that was free, would they be so intent to "put it to a stop", or is it just because he is paying for it that they want to "put it to a stop"? These women are giving him something he needs & wants------SEX. Whether it is online SEX or phone sex, that is what he needs and wants. Who are his kids to tell him to stop doing that? Do "his kids" have alternative ways of providing him with the "services" to take care of his needs? If they don't, then they should remove their noses from where they don't belong. He is not the first man, nor the last man, to pay for online sex services. They can look at it this way: He is far safer having online sex than he would be having a prostitute/call girl go to his house for real sex----he could catch some STD or get robbed or worse.
He not is not being "scammed". He is seeking these relationships online, he knows what he is doing, and nobody is twisting his arm to get him to pay them money-----he is doing it of his own volition. That is not a "scam" at all. Just because "his kids" don't like it doesn't mean it is a "scam" & he has to stop doing it. That is also not a reason to try to get guardianship. Obtaining guardianship is for when someone is unsafe or a danger to themselves or others. Your ex-husband is neither a danger to himself nor a threat to anyone else. Watching women strip on a computer screen isn't dangerous in any way. What "his kids" are threatened by is that he is going to spend all his money on what he likes instead of giving the money to them. That's what this is all about. They should be happy that he is doing something that makes him happy & satisfies his needs. The only "scam" would be his kids getting guardianship & removing him from controlling his own money & not allowing him to use his computer the way he wants. He's not 9 years old----he is a grown man. Why should he be treated like he is 9 years old, with parental controls on his computer? Do you know how many men watch pornography on their computer? Millions & millions & millions & millions & millions......................... What's the big deal?
If he had unknown women coming into his home, that would be a much different story. However, there are plenty of reputable "call out" companies out there that employ clean, nice, pretty women that wouldn't rob him or beat him up. Would his kids feel better if he did that?
The topic that nobody talks about with respect to their Parkinson's affected loved ones, or anyone with a chronic disease, is the fact that they have basic human needs, just like people without Parkinson's or other chronic diseases. Those needs must be met somehow. Is it a horrible thing that he wants to meet his needs by meeting women online? I don't think so. What do his kids want him to do? Sit in a chair with his hands folded in his lap, watching cartoons like a child?
"His kids" should butt out. This is nothing more than "his kids" not wanting him to spend any of the money that they would get after his death. It is greed, pure & simple.