I am not at all clear on the difference between having a "codependent relationship" as the full-time caregiver for my handicapped elderly mother, and just being a reliable, responsible, loving caregiver. Somehow being called codependent feels judgmental and harsh, but if I can learn something from it, I will. So far, though, I am just confused. Is anyone clear on the definition and the difference?
In relation to your mother, for example, if the person who handed you that judgement is assuming she could manage with less help if she tried harder, he or she is an idiot. But if that person is saying help could come from other people, and that while your mother does need a lot of care it doesn't ALL have to be done by you, then there could be something in it. Are you in a situation where your mother will "accept no substitute"?
For those of us who - how does one put this? - tend to get given the pointy end of the stick in life, maybe this will be a helpful motivation to change: the trouble with co-dependency is that it is not only bad for the co-dependant (you or me), it is also detrimental to the wellbeing of the other person. You wouldn't give an alcoholic booze. You wouldn't give a desperate, overweight person cream cakes. It is worth trying to identify things we do that might be reinforcing another's destructive patterns of behaviour.
And I hope you have more success with it than I seem to..!
Here's another...Co-dependency or relationship addiction is a learned behavior that causes people to form emotionally destructive or abusive relationships. This term originally referred to people who were in relationships with chemically dependent partners, but as of 2010 it includes anyone involved in a dysfunctional family or relationship.
When you place the needs of anther person above your needs pretty much sums it up!
So anyway! That's what codependency is to me.
There are many shades of caregiving. Does the label bother you? Is the person who is telling you this coming from a place of love and concern about YOU.?
Good care allows for the caregivee to do anything for themselves they are capable of, provides the necessary supports for what they cannot do for themselves, and does not feel like bondage to either person.
Are you hating your life? Is Mom demanding you do all kinds of things for her that she does not need done? Does she resent reasonable limits on what she can choose to do and ask you for? Do you resent but feel bound to keep doing everything you are currently doing it, necessary or not? Do you ever get a break from each other or is that just out of the question? Try asking these folks exactly what they are thinking makes your relationship co-dependent. Otherwise its hard to tell if they may be right, partly right, or just psychobabbling at you.
Some parents teach their children that they "owe" their parents anything they ask for - like moving in with their adult child, or having their child to give up their job to take care of the parent. Or they push away their child's partner/boyfriend/girlfriend, so that the parent has all of the adult child's time.
If any of this sounds like what you and your mom have, you may have a co-dependent relationship. I'm sure you'll get other good answers with more ideas about what co-dependent means.
Why are others telling you that you have that type of relationship?
Maybe you agree that you are codependent, maybe you do not. If your do agree and / or the person who called you codependent is a bonafide mental health professional, then look at addressing the problem, if the label came from a non-health professional, or you do not believe you fit the definition - forget it.