My 88 yo mother has become difficult. When I was growing up she was really sweet. For the last 20 years she has become more and more difficult. Yesterday at the senior center she berated me during the entire meal with all kinds of criticisms.
My digestion shut down. Then I got a migraine headache which I still have. I am 63 yo. Mother is very cranky. She repeats herself over and over again none stop. She lives by herself in a lovely home. Caregivers are there 40 hrs per week.
She has plenty of money. Yet she dresses very poorly. Her clothes are stained and dirty. Sister is in charge and there isn't anything I can do about a thing. Yet I am expected to take Mom places. Yesterday was the last straw. Being berated none stop while I ate. Mom has dementia.
Also my husband has dementia. So my life is difficult. He blurts out things in a mean way. Says I haven't earned the right to use his last name that I will have to use my maiden name. Etc. things like that.
Please tell me what to do about these things.
Another deep breath and tell yourself that it is not your mother's fault, and it is not your husband's fault. They would never have chosen dementia if they had the right of refusal. While my husband was in the nasty phase of dementia my mantra became "That is not my husband speaking. It is the dementia." It is true, and saying that and believing it was at least a little comforting.
I knew before you told us that your mother had dementia, just from your description of her behavior. Believe me, other people know it, too. If they are compassionate they will not be judgmental of your mother's behavior or of how you are handling it. If they are not compassionate people, I think you can safely disregard their opinions.
Two aspects of this situation shut your digestion off and give you a headache (I'm betting). One is "How can my own mother say such things?" We know the answer to that. She has dementia. See my mantra, above. The other is "What must other people think?" Mostly they think your mother has dementia and you are in a very tough spot. And it doesn't really matter what they think.
Sometimes it is possible to determine what triggers these outbursts. Fatigue? Over-stimulation? Not enough attention? Pain? I think it can be very hard to determine sometimes, but if you can discover some of the triggers you may be able to minimize the outbursts.
Some people in my support group have business-size cards printed up that say "My mother has dementia. Thank you for your patience." They keep them in a pocket when out in public with their loved one and hand them out as needed.
What kind of dementia do your mother and your husband have? Are you familiar with the nature of those diseases and what behavior is typical? I find it extremely useful to understand my husband's dementia (Lewy Body Dementia). It helps me realize I am not at fault and he is not at fault. The disease is our common emeny.
Are both of your loved ones being treated by experts in their diseases? Sometimes some symptoms can be managed by medications. There is no cure for dementia but there are treatments that can help improve quality of life.
A double dose of dementia is more than most of us caregivers can stand. I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with the sister in charge. Be sure you tell her (often) how much you appreciate that she has stepped up and taken on this difficult task. Explain that for you own health you need a break from taking Mom out in public, perhaps for a month. At that time you'll re-evaluate how you are doing with caregiving for your husband. Ask if she has suggestions for other ways you can help with Mother that might be less stressful for you.
Example:
mamma said;
"Look at how fat and ugly you have become, no one will want you now!" ( I stopped dating a long time ago...no time as a single mom and caregiver)
I said, "All the more to keep you company my dear"
mamma said:
"Your kids never come to visit me, when it's your time, you will die alone and unappreciated" (which is partially true)
I said: "That's ok, you can visit me then"
It lessens the blow and keeps the atmosphere light...sometimes she even laughs with me and not at me. Those are good moments.
Pack a bag and move, every city has refuges for abused people they will take you in and teach you how to stop being abused. If your abusers have problems they can get help too, refusing to change is not an option for them because you will change! Be nice pills are available!(usually vitamin B + one a day vitamins and exercise class) if they refuse training. But focus on your problem which is BEING ABUSED and you have to love yourself enough to solve your problem FIRST!
Been there done it! God will be with you every step and He will bless you for loving His children(you,your husband and mother enough to change!
(((((((hugs))))))
Joan
I really admire how TILDA lets hurtful comments roll off her back and turns them to humor when she can.
And it is not possible or ethical or humane to simply pack your bags and walk away from a vulnerable adult who depends on you. Yes, it is possible to arrange other care situations for them, as Joan suggests. But this is NOT punishment for bad behavior. It is part of the loving care wives and daughters want to provide.
Ociesev, I'm commenting on your message because I think it inadvertently adds more stress in brandywine's situation. Of course she doesn't deserve this treatment. And her mother and her husband don't deserve dementia. Life is not fair. Your advice -- warn them twice and then pack up and leave them if they don't shape up -- may be very applicable in many situations. You message is valid and kind. It just doesn't fit here.