I have recently noticed that my mom is acting out, like a teenager but her actions are affecting business, financials, and relationships. She's a pretty strong headed woman and when we ask questions, she says she feels like a little girl. She may have back pain from a bad surgery, and she says her meds are mixed up which her doctor is working on. Ok but i feel like we aren't suppose to say anything to her. We are supposed to just go with it and let her do what she wants, say what she wants and her kids, grandkids and husband are to say nothing to her.
Her marriage isn't great and she is fed up with my dad. He wears diapers and has diabetes, so he has lost part of his leg. She says she is in pain, tired of wiping his but, putting on his shoes and she needs to not be accountable to anyone for her actions or words. Just the other night she decided to leave a family visit at midnight because she forgot she wrote a 125k check that would overdraft her account and I must of had her write this check for something or someone has broken into her house and stole her checkbook. She drove a dark mountain road for 3 hours because she needed to be at home.
Later she realized she wrote the check, she just wanted to be at home and so she left. She left my dad without a car, without help as they were staying in their own condo and she had no remorse for it. She acted like nothing had happened and she was glad to be home and sleep in her bed.
We tried to talk with her about it and it angered her that we said we were affected by her actions. She did apologize but hasn't returned, instead she asked her friend to bring my dad home. Her grandson is here and offered to take him home and pack up the stuff from the condo. There was no fight between them, it was just what she wanted to do, so she did it, in the middle of the night.
She continues to repeat herself and her stories. This is something we all have noticed and we just go with it. This last incident says more to me than just repeating herself. I don't know what to do. Can anyone relate?
I would start by *trying* to get an accurate diagnosis. You choose to do this not just for her sake, but for your dad's sake, as he is unwittingly along for the ride if she's his main caregiver. You/sibling may need to provide discrete assistance until she gets a diagnosis.
It's possible your mom senses something is wrong and the idea that she is losing control is terrifying. I think the way to approach her so that she cooperates with medical appointments is to have a calm family meeting where only one is the agreed "spokesperson" and outlines how they've all witnessed uncharacteristic behavior and decisions being made by her and it's causing great concern because she is well loved and her family wants to help her get answers. Convince her, don't try to coerce her.
She will need great assurances from everyone. Don't make too many changes or start yanking responsibilities away as this will just heighten her anxiety and she may withdraw. Tell her you did some research (or spoke to "your doctor") and found out that there can be many medical reasons for what's happening to her: an untreated UTI, thyroid problems, high blood pressure, vitamin deficiency, diabetes, dehydration, over- or under-medicacting herself with prescription meds - and the good news is that all of these are treatable IF she gets an accurate diagnosis. What you do not tell her is that there is no lab test for certain dementias so it needs to be the process of elimination. Your mom's pretty young so it is possible she has one of these other medical issues.
Then offer for one of her daughters to go with her to appointments (the same one all the time) for support and advocacy (and because she cannot be trusted to remember information -- but you don't say this to her). Hopefully she will feel relieved. Don't go into any mention of dementia at this point, the doctor needs to guide her into this diagnosis, if true. She really shouldn't be given a cognitive test until all other medical illnesses are discounted. The "worst case" diagnosis would be a brain tumor. Again, don't mention this.
Try not to allow her to stall seeing her doctor. Use concern for her safety and independence and your dad's care responsibility as the reasons why. At this point the family is going to have to step up and provide a lot of support and follow-up in a peaceful and organized way. Her family advocate needs to be the one sitting with her on the phone making the appointments. "Phase 1" is only about getting her an accurate diagnosis. If she's accepting of the help and going to appointments, then a discussion about the both of them having their legal protections in place really needs to happen: DPoA, Advance Healthcare Directives (leave any talk of Wills or inheritances completely out of the picture as an attorney will broach this with her).
My 68-yr old cousin who was always lively and fit began acting confused and losing her memory and an alarming amount of weight. It turns out she was on thyroid meds and was developing ALZ. She was no longer taking her meds properly, which caused her to lose weight and because the meds dosage was based on weight, she was radically over-medicating herself by accident, which caused her to lose weight, which caused her to be constantly over-medicated. Once corrected, she regained a lot of her old self (although she does have ALZ which diagnoses shortly after) but it took a lot of effort and investigating to help her because she didn't believe (or didn't want to believe) that anything was wrong plus she couldn't remember what she was doing or what any doctor told her.
You/siblings aren't obligated to become their caregivers, but it's merciful to at least help her figure out an accurate diagnosis. If not you/your siblings, then who would do it? Help get her to a point where she can make decisions.
I should see if you can source a couple of weeks' respite care for him and see if that unwinds her a bit. It could be that she is exhibiting signs of ill health on her own part, but it could also be, or partly be, that her rope has snapped.
I am caring for my mother Donna, who is 74 years old, living at home with age-related decline and alzheimer's / dementia.
About Me: I am struggling with my mom's recent actions and words that show a decline in mental stability, awareness and reactions. I am at a loss and feel like I don't know what to do. She's a very smart woman and so maybe I just don't understand her situation.
Sabrina, I don't know if your mother has been formally diagnosed with dementia, or if you're just putting that down as her condition b/c you feel like she's got dementia? In any event, your mother is exhibiting SERIOUS signs of dementia/Alz. and needs to get a full evaluation from a neurologist or her PCP asap. You can't keep 'going along' with what she's doing b/c she's going to wind up killing herself, God forbid! Driving the dark mountain roads of Breckenridge at night for ME (I live here too) would be hair-raising, and I do not have dementia or cognitive decline of any kind! Driving in general, for a person with dementia, is a very bad idea.
And who writes checks for $125K???? And then leaves her husband and goes home, stranding him w/o a car? She's showing unhinged behavior w/o remorse, and a lack of judgment, reason, and logic, which is classic dementia behavior. "Intelligence and being smart" has nothing to do with a condition like dementia or Alzheimer's. Some of the most brilliant people on earth have dementia, trust me on that.
Being in denial about having a cognitive impairment also goes with the territory sometimes. My mother had advanced dementia, and lived in a Memory Care Assisted Living home here in Littleton for nearly 3 years, and insisted she was there by mistake b/c there was 'nothing wrong with her at all.' That's known as anosognosia. Repeating herself & her stories all the time is also a classic sign of dementia. She doesn't even realize she's doing it, and if you tell her, she'll look at you like you have 3 heads.
Being argumentative and obstinate is also classic dementia signs. They're confused and addled, so they tend to go back & forth with what they say. If I told my mother white, she'd say black; if I agreed it was black, she'd insist it was pink. And so it would go, back & forth like lunatics.
Who has medical and financial POA for mom? Writing huge checks is a big problem, obviously, and she needs to go to the doctor for a full medical work up. Your dad can use a fiblet and tell her Medicare is now requiring ALL patients to have an annual physical in order to keep their coverage. Period. Hopefully he has POA. Credit cards should be monitored closely b/c she can start charging up huge sums in purchases w/o even seeing it to be a problem. We had one gal here saying her mother was charging up thousands of $$ of things and then throwing the items in the TRASH when they arrived at her home! Dementia is the most horrible condition on earth, in my opinion.
Get dad on board to force her to the doctor for a cognitive evaluation, and go from there. Once you know where she's at (mentally) as a baseline, decisions can be made moving forward. Starting on this journey is nerve wracking for the entire family, and dad will have to start thinking about all sorts of things now.
Have a look at this 33 page booklet which is a free download with excellent info about dementia:
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Wishing you the very best of luck getting mom a diagnosis and then coming up with a plan of action to get her the right care and help she needs. Sending you a hug, too.
I'm so sorry that your mom is exhibiting such disturbing behavior. I agree that she has something serious going on. Could be "just" dementia, could be something else. She really. needs a full evaluation. Might take some smooth talking to get her to go along, but it's sounding pretty necessary.
I'm worried about your dad. I don't know if he's safe and if his needs are being met with your mom being his caretaker.
Seriously, a check for $125K? Was that legit or just something she "thought" happened?
Could she have a UTI? Find some way to get her to her PCP ASAP. Did she start or stop any meds recently? Some people use a little fib like "your insurance says you need to see your doctor for them to be able to pay for your meds" or something like that. Call her PCP in the morning and ask for their advice. Maybe they can call her and tell her that they need to see her for whatever reason they come up with.