Trying to help my 92 year old grandmother from another state, she's lost both children, husband and is the last of her family except her grand kids (6 of us). My husband and I live in Tx, while she lives in Va. My brother and cousins demand that we quit our jobs, and move to Va. My husband has a great job here, his dream job, we just had our first grandchild ourselves 2 months ago and see him all the time. Even my grandmother's neighbor (elderly herself) has told me I'm the worst granddaughter on earth because I haven't packed up and moved there and tries to convince my grandmother I don't care about her. I am the only one who calls my grandmother, does my best to make sure she has what she needs, listens to her hurtful angry outbursts, been accused of stealing or moving things around (I live 1400 miles away) No one else in the family wants to help me out, either visiting her (they live in Tx and NY, I can't even get my 28 year old daughter to go see her and she lives 2 hours away from Grandmother, she says her work schedule is complicated) I just got back from seeing my grandmother over Christmas and am leaving in the morning to go back to see her with my middle daughter and the new baby. The family is expecting my husband and I to give up our lives while they sit back and do absolutely nothing, not even calling her, or even asking how she's doing, then make me feel bad for not moving to Va fast enough. I'm at my wits end. My grandmother still drives (says she will know when to stop. I think she should have already stopped) My husband is looking for jobs in Va, and while I mind in a way of giving up our lives here (we live at the beach which was a goal when the kids grew up) I am trying to move to be closer to her, But I don't think it should all be thrown on me. The last time my brother saw her was a year ago when my mother (my grandmother's last living child) passed away, and he promised grandmother he would visit her, but now says "I can't take time off work" or "It doesn't fit in with my wife's timeline" I don't know really what my question is, but I just dont know what to do anymore. I'm a ball of stress constantly.
I suggest writing in a letter, so you can hone it and control the tone, rather than risk getting angry talking to her in person or over the phone. Manipulate her, but in an honest, positive way. Her anger at you may be because she isn't getting care and attention from her family, too.
"Thank you so much for your kind care and concern of my grandmother! It's such a blessing to know someone is so close I can count on to help and support grandmother. I love her so much, it hurts me terribly that I can't be there for her all the time. Obviously, I would love to be with her, but it is just impossible. [emphasize everywhere that you want to but *obviously* cannot, it's impossible]
"I would like to move grandma near to us in Texas, but it seems unfair to uproot her when so many of her family (name them and their distances), and good friends like you are so close. [go on a bit about how it's impossible to leave your jobs/homes/new grandchild, etc., but with a tone of regret -- go for a tearjerker].
"It's wonderful to know I can count on you to help Grandma, and help me do what is best for her! Your love and care of her is a blessing that helps me through these difficult times."
Go on from there, as much as you can, always with the positive, thankful tone. You need her help. You're thankful she is such a wonderful woman. You aren't lying. You're just looking at and talking about everything from a different direction. You're trying to diffuse anger and turn it into kindness and helpfulness. Deliver this letter, nicely written with a fancy "thank you" or "bless you" card with it, along with a gift like flowers or a plant (plants last longer - becomes a constant reminder).
Then pick a cousin or sibling who has tried at least a little bit, and repeat. "I'm so glad you're so close... love grandma so much... need help..." Etc. Say what you said on the forum here. You're overwhelmed and need help, but never in an accusatory way. Some "remember when"s of good times help. Talk about the grandchild you are so near to.
Good luck! Hope it goes well for you and yours.
Its more than ridiculous that you of 6 grandkids are the chosen one to step up, pushed by the others.
In what you write in a later comment I do think there is mentally more going on. Agewise not uncommon at that age. I do think she would be better of with some kind of care.
Is there a way to share your concerns with her primary doctor? He can set up some homecare that helps with bathing/ food intake/medication etc When that is not( no longer) enough it will be noticed by her caregivers and other opportunities would be needed. If it comes to the point that she can’t live at home anymore than you could consider her to move to Texas so visits can be done more often, by all of her grandchildren, not only you.
I do think someone needs to step up in your GM’s best interest but it definitely doesn’t need to mean you have to totally give up all you have and care for. There are so to say more ways that lead to Rome.
She is a very active woman, she dosesnt sit still and in good physical health, she isnt a feeble woman. Its her mind thats the main concern. Misplacing things then saying someone stole it, the dementia setting in. Mentally she started going down a year ago when my mother passed away suddenly.
As far as the grandchildren, 3 of us are in Texas, my brother and myself and a cousin, the others are in New York.
I have talked to her Dr, shes not a patient woman to say the least. She gets very snippy with my grandmother when she cant rattle off things fast, and she treats my grandmother like a child. Ive asked her to have some patience with her (seeing how she is a geriatric doctor) but to no avail. Unfortunately, most of the Drs around the area are not great. (small towns)
I am actually up her in Virginia right now, I was here with my husband at Christmas, and came back up with my daughter and her husband and new baby so my grandmother could meet her great great grandchild. And my daughter and I have already talked about coming back soon.
If it came to the point of her not being able to live at home anymore, I would find a nice place for her where ever I was, but sadly, my brother and cousins would have no interest in visiting her. They cant find 5 minutes to call her just to say hi. I wish they would though.
My mother before she passed away, was the one who took care of my grandmother as she lived one town away. While I always called my grandmother, my mother looked after her. When my mother suddenly died, my brother and I came up and he made a lot of promises to my grandmother that he broke, And boy oh boy she is sharp on that.
After reading the majority of the comments, I too, agree that you and your family should not be uprooted from your lovely home and great jobs in Texas. As we all know especially having gone through a year with the pandemic, it's not easy to find much less get such wonderful jobs even if you are qualified.
The questions that "notgoodenough" asked:
"Right now, you're living in your dream place and your hubby has his dream job...why does anyone expect you to leave your dreams behind and move into a complete nightmare? (OK, so I asked 2 questions)."
It occurred to me that maybe your brother and cousins want to see your lives turned upside down because you seem to have everything going for you and they may be envious of that. Please don't let that happen especially if that is their reason. In the end, it will only hurt you and your family - not them. Plus, you will never, ever get back the amount of time/firsts with your new grandbaby - once it's gone, it's gone and then the regrets will take their place.
And certainly don't let your grandmother's elderly neighbor influence your decision or make you feel "less than" - you don't know that woman from the man on the moon. In these situations, everyone is looking for a "scapegoat" and right now, you're it.
I feel like there are options and the first one would be to look at the care facilities in Virginia!
Her neighbor.. ugh that woman. Ive met her once, but we have spoken on the phone. I dont really let her get to me as far as what she says, i just dont want her in my grandmothers ear.
I know my brother enjoys watching my stress level, and i also know he did not expect my mother to pass away before my grandmother. He thought my mother would be around to take care of him (I am not saying he dosent take care of himself, he does) he just thought my mother would be her to give him more than what my grandmother wanted him to have.
Why does family have to be so hard, I mean, why cant family all come together, if not for each other, then for the sake and well being of our loved one...I just dont understand it.
Tell your family to go pound sand when they try to get you to give up your life to prop hers up. That demand on you is so ridiculous that you should laugh at them.
The best way to help her right now - and quickly - is for you to pay for her to get a consultation with an elder law attorney who can draw up her important paperwork i.e. durable power of attorney, living will, will. Attorneys are used to determining whether or not their client understands the paperwork they are signing. If the attorney says "Nope" then you can go for guardianship, which is expensive but the best way to protect her and for you to be able to make the decisions that will need to be taken if she continues to refuse assistance.
A 92 year old with dementia does not get to run the show. You love her and doing what is best for her may not be what she wants or likes but rather what is necessary for her safety and for your peace of mind while you continue living your best life in Texas.
What does your husband have to say about all of this???
My husband, he loves my grandmother so much. He said he would do anything I wanted to take care of her. That I have his support 100%.
I just got back from my 2nd trip up to Va in a month..every time im there, I hate it. I dont like mountains, I dont like snow and despise the cold.
I would hope my grandmother would live even 5 more years. When I talked to her right before i left this time, she said she didnt fear dying that it was something that came with age "we dont live forever" she said.
She wont go into a facility, and i dont have the power to do it, and honestly right now, I wouldnt have the heart. Shes still able to care for herself and has her routine. She said if she didnt have her cats, she wouldnt want to stay in her house (i think the cats will out live her) , I have said if she couldnt remember anything, it would be a no brainier. But she remembers a lot, so I will just keep going up to see her.
As far as being her family contact person, I will always be that person for her.
And no reason for you to uproot yourselves when you have worked to have a lovely home there near your grand baby.
You could help consider options for grandma's care. All the options, not just the traditional idea of a "woman kisses it and makes it well!" Not any woman's lot in life to clean up everyone else's problems. How about some basic fairness and justice here? They are concerned about Grandma? Fine. But it is up to them to work on the problems as much as you. Keep strong. Don't swallow their bully tactics. Expect they care more about their own comfort, rather than Grandma's best interests.
My brother will call me or text (mostly text) about her, Not really about her care, more so about why im not living there yet. I tell him, You should go see her or hell, even call her. He just says "I cant take off work" or "I call she doesnt answer" well he calls when he knows she is feeding the deer and is outside. But hey, he can say he called.
She will and has been calling one of my cousins for about 5 months, always gets voicemail, and she never calls my grandmother back. My grandmother makes excuses for her saying shes busy with her kids (who are older) I think anyone can take 5 minutes a month just to call and say HI.
Ur daughter, call her and apologize. Tell her family is putting a lot of pressure on you and you have realized you are doing the same to her.
Granny gets a few choices, if she's competent to make them:
1. She gets to stay in her home doing her own thing with hired help
2. She gets to move into assisted living in Virginia
3. She gets to move into assisted living in Texas
If she is not competent to make those decisions, I sure hope someone in the family has power of attorney to make those decisions. If no one does, then your responsibilities are no different than any of the other cousins. If you choose, you can contact an elder care attorney to see what your options are.
There is absolutely no consideration of you uprooting your life and moving to help someone who -- let's be honest -- won't be around all that long. You help within the parameters that do not include you moving.
The members of my family actually do think I should up root, telling me and my daughters im being selfish. My brother has said many times i should have already left my husband here and moved to Va until he (husband) can find a job. When I asked him why he doesnt move, he said his wife wont go with him. My 28 year old daughter who lives 2 hours away and I had an argument that it wouldnt kill her to go see her great grandmother once a month, and now shes not speaking to me, because how dare i expect her to give up a day off. The neighbor is a woman who is nasty and spends time with my grandmother a fair amount of time with her, and tells her I dont have her best interest at heart who became nasty to me because I wouldnt give her my grandmothers financial info, and went as far as telling my youngest daughter to drop out of college and move back to Va "If she cared". As far as assisting living, I always said if my grandmother was in a mental state that she didnt understand anything, i would totally put her in one. But she is still in her right mind so to speak and active as far as doing things around her house, she keeps her house clean, feeds the deer (has for 23 years), etc. Ive tried talking to her about having someone come and take her places and just generally keep her company (i.e. watch out for her without her knowing thats what it is) But she doesnt trust anyone. She says sometimes she sees people walking in her house at night, that my deceased mothers portrait is speaking to her, my deceased grandfather talks her through finances (which i do have the ability to look at to make sure shes ok). I know when she gets nasty even though it hurts, its not really her talking and i change the subject. Over Christmas, she kept calling me by my mothers name. Over the last year, she has said "Dont you dare up root your life for me, I would be so upset with you" But this time when i left, she asked if i really had to leave and were we moving back near her. I would do anything for my grandmother, I love her with all my heart. I guess I just get upset that Im the one expected to do everything. I think out of the 6 grandkids of hers, im the only one who is NOT expecting something when her time comes. My other daughters *mainly youngest* do call her and check on her. Ive asked my grandmother to come live with us, but at 92 she wont budge and I dont think it would be good for her to try to get use to new surroundings here in Tx. The biggest thing that gets my heart to say no im not moving is my grandson, hes our first grandchild and the only great great grandchild to my grandmother.
But I do get what you all have said, and it seriously has given me a new perspective on things. Thank you all so very much. <3 Much love for all your kind words and support.
I mean full stop. Stop arguing with all of them. Stop listening to them. And if a bunch of folk in VA think you are not a very nice person? Just how does that impact your good lives in Texas.
Stay put. Let them work it out. Tell them you wish them all the luck in the world but that being in Texas there is honestly nothing you can do for them In VA. Take a leaf out of your bro's book; he's the smart one. Say, "So sorry. Can't take time off. Just doesn't fit with our job's timeline".
Your grandmother is 92. I hope she has had a splendid life with lots of living and lots of loving. She may now need to go into some placement, and she will have her memories, and form friendships there, and be cared for while you go on to live a life, remembering the life lessons you learned from her.
I would contribute funds, if I had them, but IMNHO, ESPECIALLY considering the family dynamic among the rest of your siblings, I’d be HAPPY to have 1/6 of the responsibilities EQUALLY SHARED AMONG THE 6 GRANDCHILDREN (but factually THIS NEVER HAPPENS, because SOMEBODY or SOMEBODIES ALWAYS absent themselves for VERY (HAHAHA) GOOD REASONS), and if one or more sibs bject, they may pick up your 6th share themselves.
You visit, presumably communicate socially, and are willing to “HELP” however you can, but that does NOT mean dragging yourself away from that GRANDBABY.
However you got saddled with this and your “dear Sibs” got the pass, you need to do your best with learning to ignore. If you don’t, you’re going to wind up becoming Grandma’s workhorse, and getting to know that baby by ZOOM and missing out on first smiles, first time being called “GaGa” (or equivalent) and changing poopy diapers (a thrill RESERVED for grandmas).
DON’T BROOD, DON’T STRESS, DON‘T GO!!!!!!
Next, get yourself to a psychologist to help you deal with this totally disfunctional family situaton.
Good luck!
Why, out of 6 grandchildren, are you the one expected to dismantle your ENTIRE life to move to another place to take care of granny? What makes you the "fortunate" one?
Right now, you're living in your dream place and your hubby has his dream job...why does anyone expect you to leave your dreams behind and move into a complete nightmare? (OK, so I asked 2 questions).
I think you're letting your heart dictate your moves here...I really think you need to listen to what your head is telling you and stay put.
If you can't bring yourself to abandon granny, and she is unable to live alone, then you can offer to ***HELP*** her either 1) find at home care to hire or 2)find a facility that will meet her needs. But make *** very certain *** you explain to any and all persons who feel they have a say in this that it will be granny's money that will pay for this.
You know deep inside that uprooting yourself from your life to take care of this person will lead to nothing but heartache. You have the ability right now to put a stop to this thinking and say NO. It doesn't make you a bad person; it doesn't do dishonor to your deceased parents. DON'T let anyone try and guilt you into that train-wreck of a thought process. Please, for the sake of you, your husband, your marriage, your kids and your grandkids, don't move to take care of grandma!